AIBU for making wedding planning "unromantic"?

[Lotus3]

Context: I (31F) have been with partner (48M) 10yrs in July, 1 x 9yr old together. Engaged since last July. Partner has been married before ~15yrs ago (in a very lavish 100k+ ceremony); this is my 1st wedding.

Now, we are very fortunate to have been gifted 15k towards our wedding from his family. Immediately after engagement, partner says he wants to wait until we have moved house, changed jobs and paid down debts. Logical, I guess. But none of these things (barring occasional job changes) are things I see as needing to be done "pre-marriage".

I got very excited initially, creating a spreadsheet for planning, arranging 15 venue viewings, planning rings and dress, guest list, etc. Discovered very quickly that 15k doesn't get you very far when even a pub charges a minimum 12k for a wedding package. So I looked into our local parish church (which is truly beautiful) and they are happy to marry us there for 500 quid. I asked partner about dates and we agreed 15th Nov 24 was a fine date. Everything from that point planning-wise has kind of ground to a halt.

I am starting to feel like Sheldon Cooper in Big Bang Theory; everyone is telling me I am ripping the fun and romance out of wedding planning and I truly dont get it. I want an all-black wedding, no bridesmaids, am not deeply bothered about the food, cake or flowers (he wants all of the above at a high level), and am happy with 50-60 guests (he wants 150 split across day and night). I'm an introvert, so am not interested in forcing people to pay tons of cash to attend and be forced to sit where I tell them and talk to strangers (he thinks that seating plans etc are part and parcel of a wedding). I think that, the above factors considered, 4 months to plan the wedding isn't too much of an issue. We can get- under my plan- food, venue, ceremony, catering and drinks for around 8k. My close friends and family have been tipped off about the date already and asked to keep it free.

Partner and friends however say I don't get it. I "won't be the centre of attention" if everyone is in black, I am not "making the most of the process", I would regret going ahead with it in this way, etc etc. Partner got grumpy last night and said if I want to "just do it", we may as well wear our t-shirts to the reg office (which I have at no stage said I want).

So, AIBU to want to go ahead with a small, simple, not overplanned plan, on a short time frame, despite partner seemingly wanting something more lavish/romantic/traditional (but being unable to actually put into words his specific wants, and budget withstanding)? Or do I really not understand the concept of weddings and should put the date back, make more effort to do something more considered, etc?

Why "all black"?

We didn't want a big wedding. 5 close family member, 6 friends and us. A rather dreary register office. We've just celebrated our Golden Wedding Anniversary. It's the marriage that's important, not the wedding itself. Do what YOU want, not what others are telling you you should do and feel. To be honest, if I were getting married now, I wouldn't want all the hassle of a big wedding. Organising it would be a nightmare.
Good luck and keep it simple.

The date isn't the problem OP. Your lack of combined vision with your partner is.
You don't HAVE to spend loads to have a nice, romantic in the 'traditional' sense wedding.

The key is to choose something common. Then you can buy loads secondhand. All-black is ridiculous if you claim to not care about cakes/flowers etc because it'll cost you more money and effort.

I got married in a historic venue with 30 guests last year. Cost under 5K. For 60, I could have done it for 8K. We had everything me in white dress, decorations, even a pianist and a lovely afternoon tea lunch. I bought everything secondhand from Vinted and FB marketplace.

To be fair, you are coming across as very ‘this is how I want it so that’s how it will be’.

Neither of your visions for what you what is wrong. But it’s completely different. Surely there’s a compromise?

A wedding involves 2 people. Listen to your partner and maybe go for a registry office wedding. You say you're an introvert, so a simple ceremony for close family and friends sounds ideal.

Also OP - if your partner refuses to take any part in planning, but says you're doing it wrong , that can be frustrating. Just agree on something generic then and get him to pick stuff.

Btw dictating that people wear black, also indicates that you're not as low key as you're trying to make yourself out to be. Why can't they just wear what they want?

It also does put people inimd of a funeral. Even Christina in selling sunset had a black themed wedding but it wsd for her, not the rest of the guest!

Themes are unnecessary. Seriously

Why not? It's a gorgeous aesthetic.

The logic of all-black was:

• I love black, I wear black every day.
• Basically everyone owns something black, so people don't have to pay extra for clothes to attend in.
• I think it would look dramatic and alternative.

There's nothing wrong with having a small, non-traditional wedding, but you need to both be on board. You have a plan for it but it sounds like your partner would choose something different? Can you sit down together and find something that works for both of you, even if it costs a little more (can you add to the money yourselves)?

In other words - you don't need to listen to friends or family saying you're "doing it wrong". But you do need to listen to your partner. Also, if you accepted money from his family, I think they have a say as well.

Couldn’t agree more. This latest thing of telling guests what to wear is tedious.

Does your partner love black? And want everyone in all black?

OP, everyone owns a black t shirt or trousers at least yes, but they're not necessarily dressy. Unless you're going to tell people to come in their band t-shirts and jeans. You are being far more restrictive than a loose formal/semi-formal etc dress code.

Also , the 'dramatic and alternative' look comes with the decoration! You don't care about 'cakes or flowers' or anything like that so how exactly did you think it was going to turn out?

Unfortunately it's just going to end up looking like a funeral if it's just a sea of black. Different if you've already planned the entire aesthetic with decorations etc.

In which case, your guests do not need to wear black, the venue will look dramatic enough without using them as props.

I get that; I am probably guilty of it. I just can't square off spending a ton of money on something I would perceive attending as a nightmare 😅. I think if he was contributing more ideas around what he wants, I wouldn't be doubling down so much.

He says he has no issues with all black.

Why "all black"?

Why not? It's a gorgeous aesthetic

Or a bit “look at me, I’m so alternative” which is an interesting stance for someone who claims to want “no-big-deal”.

The first thing to do is agree your budget. You have some debts, so I would personally stick with the £15k gifted to you. If your partner wants a more lavish wedding and budget, he needs a debt payment plan and savings plan to make up the shortfall in the budget.

Once you’ve agreed your budget, you write your top 3 priorities and he writes his top 3 priorities. Yours can be an all-black aesthetic. His can be flowers. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. If your top don’t conflict with each other, work the wedding around those 6 things. If there’s a conflict say you want small and intimate and he wants 150 people, you need to compromise. You spend your money on the priorities, everything else falls into place around them. When you run out of money, that’s it. Or if you reach the end of the priorities and have £6K left you decide to either save it or spend it on fluff for the wedding.

The main things about a wedding is not the romance (and flowers and fluff aren’t romance) it’s having your nearest and dearest around you to celebrate with you. Otherwise you’d just elope.

@Lotus3 I don't really wear black apart from shabby loungewear trousers 😂
Seriously.....
I'd just go to a registrar office (in your goth clothes).
You, husband to be, 2 witnesses and your daughter.
You've been together for a decade and have a child. You don't need a big dramatic ceremony (I say "dramatic" because anyone that insists on a colour dress code is dramatic in my view 😂)

I totally get not wanting to be the centre of attention or have a massive wedding with loads of fuss, I didn’t either - but you need to find a compromise on what your DP wants too, and then split out some of the planning.

I’d be really irritated he was complaining it wasn’t to his liking unused he’s getting involved in organising it.

I voted YABU because of the dress code.
I wouldn't dictate what people wore. It comes across as demanding. Whereas you say one of the reasons you chose black is that everyone has something already that is black so I think your reason may have been to save people trouble and expense.
I am an adult and would much prefer to wear what I choose.

Hah, I am a little bit showy, I'm not denying that; that doesn't change that I get socially nervous and drained around people I'm not close to, though.

I am definitely rethinking making it a "black theme" for others based on some of the commentary.

Having re-read the OP
They can also just book a restaurant for the other people.
Don't get a 'wedding package' just book it all out and have a set menu per head. Much cheaper!

That way everyone gets what they want, provide wine with the meal but a paid bar for everything else.

Or, the evening guests don't need a full meal, just drinks and something like a pizza van or buffet

Lots of.options outside 'weddings' provided you are upfront and state you don't want anything extra

OP, in a large wedding like that, nobody will notice if you and your groom or close friends go off somewhere by yourself for some peace and quiet at the evening reception. People will just be talking among themselves

Nearly everyone owns something black, yes. But I wouldn't assume everyone has something black that's wedding suitable. You very likely are going to oblige some people to buy something they wouldn't otherwise.

@Lotus3 why would you invite people you aren't "close to" to your wedding?

I don’t own any black clothes. I am (cringe alert but best way to describe it) an ‘autumn’ colour palette and I look absolutely dreadful in black.

I would definitely shy away from a) telling your guests what to wear because it’ll make you look like a wanker and b) choosing black. There is absolutely nothing worse than ‘mixing’ different tones/hues of black. Plus you know Sharon from the office will wear navy because ‘nobody will be looking at me any way’. It only works in TV shows where everyone is dressed by the same stylist and the budget is huge.
Your photos are going to be a mess.