AIBU for making wedding planning "unromantic"?

[Lotus3]

Context: I (31F) have been with partner (48M) 10yrs in July, 1 x 9yr old together. Engaged since last July. Partner has been married before ~15yrs ago (in a very lavish 100k+ ceremony); this is my 1st wedding.

Now, we are very fortunate to have been gifted 15k towards our wedding from his family. Immediately after engagement, partner says he wants to wait until we have moved house, changed jobs and paid down debts. Logical, I guess. But none of these things (barring occasional job changes) are things I see as needing to be done "pre-marriage".

I got very excited initially, creating a spreadsheet for planning, arranging 15 venue viewings, planning rings and dress, guest list, etc. Discovered very quickly that 15k doesn't get you very far when even a pub charges a minimum 12k for a wedding package. So I looked into our local parish church (which is truly beautiful) and they are happy to marry us there for 500 quid. I asked partner about dates and we agreed 15th Nov 24 was a fine date. Everything from that point planning-wise has kind of ground to a halt.

I am starting to feel like Sheldon Cooper in Big Bang Theory; everyone is telling me I am ripping the fun and romance out of wedding planning and I truly dont get it. I want an all-black wedding, no bridesmaids, am not deeply bothered about the food, cake or flowers (he wants all of the above at a high level), and am happy with 50-60 guests (he wants 150 split across day and night). I'm an introvert, so am not interested in forcing people to pay tons of cash to attend and be forced to sit where I tell them and talk to strangers (he thinks that seating plans etc are part and parcel of a wedding). I think that, the above factors considered, 4 months to plan the wedding isn't too much of an issue. We can get- under my plan- food, venue, ceremony, catering and drinks for around 8k. My close friends and family have been tipped off about the date already and asked to keep it free.

Partner and friends however say I don't get it. I "won't be the centre of attention" if everyone is in black, I am not "making the most of the process", I would regret going ahead with it in this way, etc etc. Partner got grumpy last night and said if I want to "just do it", we may as well wear our t-shirts to the reg office (which I have at no stage said I want).

So, AIBU to want to go ahead with a small, simple, not overplanned plan, on a short time frame, despite partner seemingly wanting something more lavish/romantic/traditional (but being unable to actually put into words his specific wants, and budget withstanding)? Or do I really not understand the concept of weddings and should put the date back, make more effort to do something more considered, etc?

Good call. You can always have a black theme for the bridal party, and even decorations etc if you want.

Black done well, thoroughly thought through is beautiful and very edgy, but that's when it's all done properly by design with hotel on board and with a table dressing company etc. Black done in the cheap will have kitchen Halloween party vibes that time in the year, coming right after it. The photos will look awful as actually, not everybody DOES have black to wear for a wedding. The only black items I own are gym wear. So you will have all sorts of shades of gray, navy, black etc and it won't be at all cohesive. It will just look cheap.

Let people wear what they want. Choose a colour scheme for your dress /suits /bridesmaids and table designs but don't insist on anybody else wearing it. Only the bridal party. That will give you the cohesive look you want. Black, Forrest green and bronze or rose gold would be glorious at that time of the year. A black waterfall skirt and green corset could be beautiful if you want to stay dark.

I don't blame you for wanting it to be done on the cheap.

You totally can do a lovely wedding for your budget and not being too sentimental will help! Have a dress code like smart casual and tell people not go mad.
Do your outfit and theme in black if you want.

What is your partner actually wanting to plan himself? If he is willing to sort the food and flowers, for example, then get him to show you some options by the end of the month to discuss together.
Don't budge on the date or you'll just have more wedding stress for longer.
My partner and I got married in less than 4 months with 120 guests. It's definitely doable. He sorted florist, invites, photographer, and did the communication with the venue around food.
I think if you're partner wants a big say he needs to be providing actual options for your date and budget.
I'd also agree with the others about the colour scheme. A black dress is great for you but let guests wear what they want.

Where is the reception and what food have you gone for?

Is there a friend or family member that could make a big cake?

And my family members did their own flowers and table decorations - all the women get together a couple of nights before and make them over a bottle a wine. It’s lovely.

No one wants to attend a wedding in their work gear.

Re the black theme, we had black for ours but didn't make that the dress code. We did it using decorations - black table runners, black seat pads on the chairs, black ties round the bouquets, that kind of thing. My bridesmaids also both wore black and I wore my black Dr Martens!

Black definitely can be done but I do think it's quite restrictive to make that the dress code. As pp have said, a lot of people might own black stuff but it probably wouldn't be the kind of thing they'd wear to a wedding unless they bought it specifically

It sounds like you are maybe from quite different backgrounds if your fiancé has previously had a 100k wedding and you’re happy with what you can put together for 8k? Perhaps it’s because he’s older, but it seems like some of his views might be from the type of traditional weddings he has experienced and his family/friends would expect to attend.

Please don't pretend you are doing guests a favour by having a dress code. You are not.

It's your wedding, if you want a dress code, your prerogative but at least own it.

You are not coming across as you think you are. It's not "alternative".

I've seen this script too many times before - he doesn't want to marry you op, hence the procrastination.

the only thing I have in black, is my funeral dress and my work t-shirt and trousers - I'd hate an all-black wedding

Is he helping you plan, as in doing the actual gruntwork, or is he just telling you what he wants?

He has attended the viewings I booked, talked through some of the ideas, etc. But no, he hasn't "done" anything of his own volition. (Yes I'm salty 😂)

I’d hate a black theme, trying to find something to wear to a funeral is bad enough. Everyone will go out buying nice black dresses. It will be a pain in the arse

You need a seating plan. Or it’s awkward when the family of 6 want to sit together but all the tables have no more than 4 free seats remaining and they have to split up. There’s a good reason why almost every wedding has a table plan.

Bit odd, why is he expecting you to do everything and just do as he directs you then?
Also weird that he wants you to move house, jobs and pay off debts over paying for a wedding but then wants a lavish wedding when you've been together so long... sort of feels like that's a bit of an excuse to hold things up.

You need to have a Proper conversation.

He can’t just not involved and complain. However, as it’s causing issues between you it could be that he just doesn’t feel he can, then gets annoyed and says something,

You can tell him, it’s annoying that isn’t doing anything but then complaining. But you also need to agree that if he gets involved you won’t keep shutting things down because it’s not how you want it.

I am happy to drop the all-black thing for guests as it seems contentious, which totally goes against my thoughts of making it easier. Very much appreciating the advice so far!

So he's much older, you got together and had a child while you were very young, and he's procrastinating and obstructing any move towards a wedding.

I hope you have a decent job OP.

On the practical front, don't make a dress code for the guests. Adults do not appreciate being told how to dress themselves. By all means choose the colours for decorations and what you and the wedding party wear, but leave the guests to their own devices.

I don’t think either of you are wrong but, whatever you choose, it won’t be romantic if you can’t compromise and reach a shared vision. Romance is a personal concept, for some people a small basic wedding is romantic because it’s intimate.

You need to find a middle ground between what you both want, it shouldn’t be one person gets everything they want and the other doesn’t. How do you approach other issues you don’t agree on? Do you normally accommodate each other’s wants and needs?

All black coming out of a church, I’d be respectfully slowing down my car waiting for a coffin and if I saw you in a venue wondering why you all looked so happy when clearly someone has just died. Not very celebratory. I’m another person who only has black leggings and black work wear. I’d have to buy something new. And themes that impact guests at weddings are just silly.

why can you do black accessories or have bridal party in black tie. Is your wedding dress going to be black? Aren’t you worried it’ll look like you’re wearing a Halloween costume in a black satin or lace dress?

you could pick a theme which is "not bright" - ie dark colours, and not summary/light stuff.

would work in November, without dictating what people wear.

If you’re having a sit down meal you do need a seating plan really, it’s much easier than everyone piling in and then trying to get seated, anyone who has allergies/specific meal requirements is then easily identified to serving staff & if you are catering for 50 people with meals the kitchen needs to know where everyone is sitting to bring the meals out.

Get a black dress for yourself if you want to but don’t tell your guests what to wear.

Also, speak to your husband to be. It’s BOTH of your day and so you do both need to be happy.

Does your partner really want to get married OP? (Not suggesting he doesn't want to be with you, just for some reason doesn't want to get married again). It sounds like you got engaged a year ago and in that time he has done nothing towards practical planning, but now with 4 months to go he's saying he's not happy with what you're planning. Plus it sounds like he's concerned about budget (very sensible as you've got DC and debts to pay) but is insisting it must be a huge event with all the trimmings. It also sounds like from the start he was coming up with reasons to out off the actual wedding. Is it possible that he wants to be with you but does not want to be married again and that the gift of money towards the wedding has forced his hand (as now you do have a budget that can't be used on anything else so arguments around waiting until you can afford it won't work)?

Or is it possible that he feels a big fancy wedding is expected, particularly if his family have given you money towards it? I find it hard to believe that he is actually personally that set on a big wedding/enjoying the planning if he has not done anything to come up with plans for what he wants in the last 12 months.

So your friends and family will know you are a bit showy, nothing wrong with that. But sounds like your friends are just expressing that it doesn’t seem like it’s going to be very ‘you’.

I am sure they know you well and know you don’t want to disappear into the background.

Getting socially nervous and drained around people you are not close to doesn’t also mean disappearing into the back ground.

It does sound a little like you are that desperate to be married you are just jumping at what you think are the easiest options to sort quickly.