AIBU for making wedding planning "unromantic"?

[Lotus3]

Context: I (31F) have been with partner (48M) 10yrs in July, 1 x 9yr old together. Engaged since last July. Partner has been married before ~15yrs ago (in a very lavish 100k+ ceremony); this is my 1st wedding.

Now, we are very fortunate to have been gifted 15k towards our wedding from his family. Immediately after engagement, partner says he wants to wait until we have moved house, changed jobs and paid down debts. Logical, I guess. But none of these things (barring occasional job changes) are things I see as needing to be done "pre-marriage".

I got very excited initially, creating a spreadsheet for planning, arranging 15 venue viewings, planning rings and dress, guest list, etc. Discovered very quickly that 15k doesn't get you very far when even a pub charges a minimum 12k for a wedding package. So I looked into our local parish church (which is truly beautiful) and they are happy to marry us there for 500 quid. I asked partner about dates and we agreed 15th Nov 24 was a fine date. Everything from that point planning-wise has kind of ground to a halt.

I am starting to feel like Sheldon Cooper in Big Bang Theory; everyone is telling me I am ripping the fun and romance out of wedding planning and I truly dont get it. I want an all-black wedding, no bridesmaids, am not deeply bothered about the food, cake or flowers (he wants all of the above at a high level), and am happy with 50-60 guests (he wants 150 split across day and night). I'm an introvert, so am not interested in forcing people to pay tons of cash to attend and be forced to sit where I tell them and talk to strangers (he thinks that seating plans etc are part and parcel of a wedding). I think that, the above factors considered, 4 months to plan the wedding isn't too much of an issue. We can get- under my plan- food, venue, ceremony, catering and drinks for around 8k. My close friends and family have been tipped off about the date already and asked to keep it free.

Partner and friends however say I don't get it. I "won't be the centre of attention" if everyone is in black, I am not "making the most of the process", I would regret going ahead with it in this way, etc etc. Partner got grumpy last night and said if I want to "just do it", we may as well wear our t-shirts to the reg office (which I have at no stage said I want).

So, AIBU to want to go ahead with a small, simple, not overplanned plan, on a short time frame, despite partner seemingly wanting something more lavish/romantic/traditional (but being unable to actually put into words his specific wants, and budget withstanding)? Or do I really not understand the concept of weddings and should put the date back, make more effort to do something more considered, etc?

I'd be tempted to tell him that you realise you haven't been taking his views into account enough and so you're handing over the rest of the planning to him to redress the balance

People go a bit crazy over wedding planning, OP, and you may or may not be one of those people, but tbh I have a lot of sympathy. Planning a big event is stressful for most people - most of us aren't events planners in our everyday lives and weddings/funerals are the biggest things we'll have to plan. It is infuriating when people criticise your plans, however bonkers, but do nothing constructive to help.

All my black clothes are work dresses. Which I wouldn’t also want to attend a wedding in.

It’s definitely something you have picked based on only yourself. You wear mainly black, so have outfits for different occasions in black. Many people don’t.

Have the wedding that YOU want. Not everyone wants to be the centre of attention. We don’t all want to be Disney princesses. If DP and I ever get married I’m absolutely going to be wearing black. It’s my favourite colour. And the wedding would be a city register office followed by lunch in a nice restaurant with only parents and siblings present. Possibly not even that - might just be me and DP.

I wouldn't attend a wedding with a dictated dress code, and being blunt, it will look like a funeral. Sorry OP but you've come across very controlling. It's both your wedding, you need to agree on what happens. It sounds like you've just done ahead and sorted it on your own. I hope you're both committed Christians to be marrying in a church. Your partner has a very sensible idea to pay debt before spending thousands on a wedding.

I wouldn't go all black either, I'm afraid. Black is a tad funereal. If you want a theme, there are plenty of more interesting, alternative ones about that might express your personality better, likes parrots, board game-themed or newspaper-themed.

We had quite a relaxed wedding...and had quite different thoughts as well. It was also his second after his more traditional first wedding. I'm also quite introverted.

Anyway

The bride wearing white/cream is quite helpful for members of 'his' side who may not know you very well.

Seating plans - we didn't have one, sit down meal for 100, in retrospect I think we should have had one as it meant people who wanted to sit together had to go in and nab places early. It's actually easier and better for people to tell them where to sit but turn a blind eye to any name card changing going on.

All black will look like a funeral. I'd have rolled my eyes at an 'all black' request.

My DH didn't really get involved as his first wife loves stuff like this and would have planned everything....

The most important things are lots of food and drink - treat it like a party.

Edited to add - ours wasn't very expensive and was planned in about 4 months.

All black in a church will look like a funeral. It will look awful. Post the pics when it’s done, I wanna see 👀 🤣

Please don't prescribe what your guests should wear. How can that possibly enhance anyone's day.

I never, ever wear black, even went with navy for my own husband's funeral, I'm not spending £££ on something for your wedding that will make me look awful and I'll never wear again

The all black theme makes you seem really uptight. No decent bride or groom tells guests what to wear! It’s a really rude thing to do. Apart from that it’s all fine.

Well he needs to be doing the grunt work too. DH tried the “I’ve never planned a wedding before” to which I replied “neither have I”, although your partner doesn’t even have that excuse. We did Wedding Wednesdays, we’d open a bottle of wine, have something nice for tea, do wedding admin together and then finish our wine. The wedding wasn’t spoken about unless something urgent came up or just a general can’t wait comment outside of wedding Wednesdays. If we had no admin to do, we just drank the wine.

The only things I have in black are a dress and shoes I wore to a funeral, I look awful in black and avoid it all costs.

Funeral chic!
Your partner doesn’t want to get wed - hence putting obstacles/goals/planning disagreements in the way.

1. Don't listen to family or friends: it's you and your DP's choice. It's none of their business - how dare they criticise your preferences!
2. You must find a compromise with your DP. His wishes count as much as yours. My DH had been married before, very traditional wedding, and I felt I wanted something different for us. Explain that to him but you also need to listen to him.
3. Don't tell the guests what to wear.

Could you not just compromise? How about an amazing black dress for you but an 'anything goes' dress code if you don't want people to buy new outfits? A lot of people love opportunities to buy a new outfit or accessory btw, it can be part of the fun and excitement in a wedding.
How about 100 guests absolute max? Meet each other in the middle?

I suggest sitting down with your partner and checking out Offbeat Wed for some ideas for a fun/interesting/cool alternative wedding. He can get some more concrete ideas of how a wedding doesn’t have to be expensive and huge to have traditional aspects and be a celebration of love. Especially since you already have a child together and this is his second marriage. A giant wedding with a big white meringue dress at huge expense would be inappropriate and you clearly don’t want it anyway.

I don't actually own a lot of black that would be appropriate to wear to a wedding, unless leggings and a t-shirt is ok? I'd much rather wear something else I already own.

Also, little children in black looks very odd at a wedding, so maybe bear that in mind if you're having child guests. I wouldn't mind wearing black but I'd struggle to dress a toddler and primary age child completely in black.

I wore purple, it was floor length and had long draping sleeves so I think it was obvious I was the bride! I bought a pattern and my DM found a dressmaker, I wasn't supposed to pick purple, but fell in love with the fabric.

We also didn't really have a seating plan, but it was a buffet so didn't really matter where people sat.

Glad you've decided to drop it. Bit why would you think in the first place that demanding everyone wear a certain colour was ever going to make it easier for everyone? Totally illogical.

I hated wedding planning. Luckily mil stepped up and sorted church, venue and cake. We got married in 6 months

Only issue with black at winter wedding is that people will wear coats and may look more funeral than wedding

Friends and families views are completely irrelevant, it's literally nothing to do with them so I'd try and grey rock them and not be drawn into the details (if they ask any questions, tell them you're all weddinged out after sorting stuff all week and then ask them about something they've got going on). If they have contributed specifically to the wedding fund then I'd see if you can manage without this money as it may make people feel they get a say.

Your partner however is allowed to have views and the type of day should be a compromise...if he gets involved in the planning. From what you've said so far, it sounds like he isn't doing the grunt work (researching, booking visits etc), he is merely turning up, and then criticising your choices, and also making unrealistic demands vs budget. For example if he wants to invite 100 people, you're going to have to cut corners in other areas (buffet instead of a sit down meal for example).

I think you sit down and agree a budget and then talk about what is realistic for that budget, think about each item (like number of guests, dress code etc), write down each of your ideals (realistic within the budget), and then compromise in each area

Basically, I'm saying if he wants seating plans and you don't, then you say that's absolutely fine, I can see its important to you, let me know what plan you come up with, please can I ask that you keep a and b separate or whatever, thanks

Also wedding planning is not at all romantic.

I bet not many people regret having a small and simple wedding but a lot of people regret spending a lot of time and money on matching chair bows to bridesmaid dresses, favours that get forgotten on the table, etc etc

You can definitely have a wedding that is no fuss and simple.

My wedding was not tight budget but kept to a strict budget. I just worked with the decorations at the venue rather than do my own, had M&S cake not a special wedding one, had paid bar after dinner etc
I've also been to several registry office based ones where again couple kept it simple. One was just family and close friends and we went for a nice meal in a nearby restaurant afterwards. The other was all go to a cocktail bar for small plates and cocktails afterwards. I was home in bed before 10pm! Perfect.

People kind of expect weddings to be a bit jolly and dressy up. Not everyone will have a black outfit and they may find it a bit constraining actually if they don't want to wear, say, office wear.

As the bride, if you want to wear black. Go ahead but don't force your guests into it.

The main issue is that you and DP are not on the same page on what you want. Is there ways for you to meet in the middle. What is important to him vs you?

I never wear black (it washes me out) So I'd have to buy something new. If you really don't want people to have to spend money you would have no dress code.

Guests will find it much easier if there is no colour dress code - they will either already have something in their wardrobe or can buy a new outfit that they know will work for another event. Many years ago I went to a wedding with a black dress theme - it was awful felt more like a funeral and the bride later admitted it was a big mistake ! A black theme for the decorations / highlights on the cake etc. can look good if done carefully.

Would suggest you should have at least one bridesmaid - they can take your bouquet , you won’t be left holding it at the altar and wondering what to do with it, can run an errand if you suddenly need something , help round up the right guests for the right photo etc.