Met his ex now I'm really sad

[elencam]

Hi,

I'm not too sure why I'm posting or what I'm hoping to get from this but I guess I want to untwine my thoughts and get advice.

I'm in my mid-20s, I've been with my boyfriend for 11 months. I recently found out that I'm 6 weeks pregnant, not planned and I haven't told him yet, not really sure why; maybe because I'm not sure what I want to do yet and need time to figure that out alone before I tell him and allow his opinion to sway me into something I maybe don't want.

Either way, he's a great guy, not perfect but who is at the end of the day. I'd say our biggest issue is he isn't very in tune with his emotions and it can feel like he doesn't even know how he feels let alone explain those feelings to me. But he is funny, caring and I believe he loves me. Im not an objectively attractive girl, by that I mean, I know I'm not a universally attractive person, I don't necessarily fit the societal standard but sure some people find me attractive. I'd say my boyfriend however is an objectively attractive man, most would agree he is attractive even if not their type. This has been a sore point for me, it's made me feel insecure and as though he would do better. I've made a real effort to not compare myself to others, part of this has been I don't or at least didn't know what his exes look like. I felt this was safest as I wouldn't compare myself. He promised he doesn't have a type so it wouldn't matter anyway but for my sake. I had asked about previous relationship before and very early asked "tell me about the best sex you've ever had". I ask this to get to know about what he likes. I didn't ask who it was with but he unintentionally told me the name of the girl, his ex from last year. He also at another point told me this same girl was who he believed was his "one who got away", again I had asked.

On Saturday we went to his work friends wedding, by chance we ran into his last ex, they broke up last April never worked together but did meet through the work friend and were together for about 8 months so not long. She was drop dead gorgeous, not in a subjective "you'll be someone's type way", but rather a has modelled in the past, stunning figure, gorgeous features. Of course she is also the girl he said he had the best sex of his life with. She was funny, well spoken and just generally seemed lovely, had a new partner of her own. The conversation was short, we moved on quickly.

Since then though I have felt so sad. I asked him why did they break up and he told me more or less it was that their lifestyles were quite different. She is from a wealthy family, privately educated and has a trust fund, he lives in a house share for example. He told me that as much as she was lovely and down to earth, it was hard being in a relationship where the income was so different and he felt like a charity case as she paid for most things. I asked if he loved her and he said "I don't know, I think so but it was a while ago". The convo continued and I asked about why he said she was the best sex he ever had though I got it as she was bloody stunning. He told me that they had sexual chemistry that was just on another level and he never expects to find again. We have discussed this before as sexual chemistry is definitely something we lack, he's more adventurous and kinky than I am. I asked if he still felt she was the one who got away and he said sort of but he's happy now with me and they wouldn't have worked.

Since then I've been so sad, we were meant to spend the night together but I've come home. I don't think I can compete with this stunning, interesting, well educated, funny girl who he had great sexual chemistry with. I worry I'm cheating us both out of something better and being pregnant is such a spanner in the works as I don't want to go ahead with the pregnancy unless I'm sure he's who I want. And while he is who I want I don't know if I'm who he wants or if he's just with me as I really preserved and after breaking up with someone so extraordinary, someone like me who's more plain and simple might be a nice change.

Now I don't know what to do,
I should probably have an abortion but that makes me sad too, then again I don't want to bring a baby into a relationship if I could predict it wouldn't last, that seems selfish and I don't really want to do it alone. I don't know if I can deal with the insecurity and jealousy of how incredible his ex was.

AIBU to feel this way? How do I handle this? I feel so overwhelmed and sad and just inferior.

Sorry this post is so long - thanks for reading if you got to here! Xx

Aw, you're beautiful for you, and she isn't perfect.

Please bear in mind pregnancy can make you feel vulnerable. Can you have a cuddle day (just curl up by yourself) to think about the pregnancy etc with no interruptions?

I had asked about previous relationship before and very early asked "tell me about the best sex you've ever had". I ask this to get to know about what he likes.

Asking questions like that are a lose/lose proposition. His past sexual experiences are none of your business, and any answer he gives is going to make you feel less than.

Anyway, you really need to think about what you want for your future, because it has barely begun. Your relationship with him isn't great, regardless that he's seemingly a decent person. You don't have a good emotional connection, nor do you have very good sexual chemistry. That does not bode well, at all.

If you decide to continue this pregnancy, you have to be resigned to the fact that you will probably end up being a single mother.

You sound like you have low self esteem and are a bit insecure, why do you keep asking him about his past relationships? Does he make you fell good about yourself?

He sounds immature and insensitive,or he may be fed up with you asking these sorts of questions. Either way, you are beautiful and worthy, he should be telling you this rather than his past loves and you should have more belief in yourself.

I think you need to spend a few days alone, try to relax and think about what you want to do. Pregnancy hormones will be making you feel a lot worse so you need to try and clear your head as much as you can.

I do however think that the relationship won’t last. There’s too many insecurities and he seems quite emotionally shut off.

He will probably still be thinking this girl is the one who got away years down the line to make himself feel better for any future failed relationships.

If you’re lacking sexual chemistry now, that also won’t get better. You should still be in the honeymoon period and not be able to keep your hands off each other.

Given he’s also house sharing he probably isn’t ready to be a parent. Again, I could be wrong but what really matters is what you want to do. It’s likely if you go ahead with the pregnancy you’re going to end up a single parent. You need to consider that scenario and if you still want to go ahead then you should have the baby. I definitely agree with you waiting to tell him until you’re sure what you want to do first.

I really feel for you. I had low self esteem in my younger days and pregnancy hormones won't help.

I agree with a pp though, it doesn't sound like you're compatible, not emotionly nor sexually. Now you're feeling insecure and jealous too, it won't bode well for your relationship and it sounds unlikely you're going to end up together in the long run.

I think you need to take the boyfriend out of the equation when thinking about whether you want to have this baby.

Do you have supportive family/friends that can help you work through how you're going to proceed?

I would love to give you a big hug, you sound so sad. Don't make any hasty decisions. Can you go away for a few days for some thinking time?

This is very sad. Pregnancy brain is real (I’m not saying your emotions aren’t) but pregnancy mucks with your brain from the start.

you are beautiful I’m sure. He likes you for you. Tell him and take it from there, take her out of the conversation and talk to him. Good luck.

He sounds pretty spiteful tbh

Oh the sex was so good, etc

Whatever. He didn't need to rave on and on about that, how else are you supposed to feel now??

We have discussed this before as sexual chemistry is definitely something we lack, he's more adventurous and kinky than I am.

^

Here we go again

I too want to hug you. Bear in mind pregnancy hormones can definitely magnify sadness. Give yourself time to think. Whatever you chose will be the right choice. But truly this should be the honey moon period. Chemistry is there or it's not. And I am sure you are beautiful!

You are very young and you have been with this man for LESS THAN A YEAR. You don’t have great sex, he likes stuff you don’t, he doesn’t make you feel special? You should throw him back and keep looking. The right person is out there for you but you won’t find him if you try to hang on to someone who is this wrong for you. The right person will be mad about you and your looks. I look like a bag of old potatoes at this point, 33 years into my relationship, snd my husband still finds me massively attractive (yes, Im puzzled by it myself).

The point Im trying to make is that you shouldn’t be feeling this insecure in a relationship.

Honestly? It doesn't sound like the relationship is the best. Nothing to do with how objectively attractive you are but you don't have great chemistry, you haven't been together long and it doesn't sound like you are each other's great love. Would you agree? Would you feel you were settling for him or being settled for?

It’s hard to get a perspective of your relationship from what you’ve said, as it’s all from the perspective of your fixation on his ex.

Take her out of the equation, focus on whether you want a relationship with this man based on how you feel together and how good he is as a partner.

You poor thing. Low self esteem is horrible. I have had it all my life, but the older I get the less it rules my life, you'll find that as well.

Just remember, you are NOT competing with her. They have both moved on. He is with you. He WANTS to be with you. Please don't push him away. Stop asking questions about the past, you'll only twist yourself in knots about it.

I don’t know if he is the right guy for you or not, but whatever the case this ex is irrelevant. There is a reason she is an ex and I don’t think the things he says about her mean much at all, who knows what he is really thinking and what he thinks sounds good. Seriously wouldn’t give her a second thought.

You’ve got an important decision to make. Don’t be so focused on whether he really likes you or will be happy with you, that you lose sight of whether you really like him or will be happy with him. That’s the bit you really need to work out and leave his feelings up to him. If there is no chemistry and you feel insecure why are you so sure he’s right for you anyway? You should be with someone who makes you feel loved and safe.

How he reacts to the pregnancy will tell you most of what you need to know.

Forget thinking about the ex, put it in the fuck it bucket. Your baby needs to take priority here, focus on thinking about that for a few days cos the later it gets the more traumatic it will be.

The first trimester can make you feel incredibly vulnerable and self conscious so this will definitely be exacerbated by that!

I'm not sure if your boyfriend is a innocent idiot or picking at your insecurities - you'll have to gage that.

I don't think I could be with someone I don't have chemistry with - is that what you want long term? Would you be happy to have a baby and co-parent with this man for life even if you aren't together? Are your core values aligned?

Has he shown you that he is an honourable and responsible man in all aspects of his life? Does he ever show spite? You will tied together forever.

I think you should be thinking about whether this relationship is right for you and whether you want this baby (with or without him) - and not so much what he thinks and wants.

I would also add that pregnancy can put a great deal of strain on a relationship before you even get to the newborn stage. My second pregnancy put strain on mine and we'd been very happily married for ten years.

You might feel like rubbish, no energy, sick as a dog. Men don't understand how bad pregnancy can be, even in a relatively good one you can still have days where you feel like utter rubbish and are completely exhausted from doing nothing. You really need a loving supportive partner.

He told me that they had sexual chemistry that was just on another level and he never expects to find again.

Why do you know this? Why did you ask? And then why on EARTH did you stay with him after he said it.

In all honesty you're only 11 months in to knowing this man, I'd consider leaving if I were you.

Has he said he is in love with you?
Are you in love with him?

I imagine he feels emotionally unavailable and that is adding to your insecurity op.

After nearly a year if you are not in love, and nor is he, you are unlikely to be. I would move on. Choose a man that adores you and then start a family.

I have had amazing sexual chemistry in my life and never married them, or considered doing so. It’s like a firework and no basis for a life time together or a marriage. It’s exciting until it isn’t. A long term loving marriage needs to be based on more than a pretty face and fireworks in the bedroom.

Asking to be told about the best sex he ever had is never going to make you feel great , it's in the past leave it there. You seem to be pressing for lots of information about his previous relationships when there is no need.

This. Unfortunately I think he’s made it crystal clear you’re second best and he’s not over her, is that really the sort of man you want to be the father of your child? It will grind your self esteem further and further into the ground.

I’m sure you’re absolutely lovely and you have plenty of time to find a man who thinks you’re the bees knees and second to none to start a family with. Obviously it’s up to you but in your shoes I’d have a termination and move on to someone more worth your energy.

I have a slightly different take on him being immature. You asked the question. Some people ask about and share sexual history and are OK with that. Some people discuss who they fancy with their partner and are ok with that and vice versa. Some people know which celebrity their partner would cheat on them with and are OK with that and vice versa.

Some people don't.

Some people ask because they are genuinely curious, secure in who they are, find it (bizarrely) brings them closer together in a relationship.

If he is one of those people (you've already said he's more sexually confident and outgoing than you), he won't see anything wrong with having answered you honestly.

However, some people (you for example) ask almost as a form of self harm - they ask because they feel insecure and lack self esteem. If you asked in the early days, he wasn't to know you were one of those people and so answered honestly.

I'd never ask anyone any of those questions because I don't want to know the answers. But I assume that if someone asks me any question its because they want an honest answer and not to be fobbed off or lied to for the purpose of soothing their ego. So I am honest.

So.

His ex is actually irrelevant to a degree. Who she is, what she looks like, what she has etc all of that is irrelevant. You are a different person with your own unique set of qualities and you shouldn't be comparing yourself to her in any way. All of that is irrelevant.

What isn't irrelevant is how he feels.

I don't know if I'm who he wants or if he's just with me as I really preserved and after breaking up with someone so extraordinary, someone like me who's more plain and simple might be a nice change.

The only person who does know that is him.

11 months into a relationship is very soon to be pregnant. There are women who post on here who became pregnant early into a new relationship and are still together 20+ years later. I would imagine, though, that they are women whose relationship didn't feature such high levels of insecurity and low self esteem at this stage.

Your own insecurity is going to guarantee this relationship isn't going to last the distance. Neither of you can know after 11 months if you are really the person the other wants to spend the rest of their life with or raise a family with.

I agree with the poster who said that, if you go ahead with the pregnancy, it should be with the understanding that you are likely to end up a single mother and proceed with that in mind. Babies add extra pressure to relationships that are well established and strong. Let alone ones that are new and vulnerable.

This is not a good relationship, or one in which to have a child. I would end things, have a termination, and stay single for a while, while working on your self-esteem.