Met his ex now I'm really sad

[elencam]

Hi,

I'm not too sure why I'm posting or what I'm hoping to get from this but I guess I want to untwine my thoughts and get advice.

I'm in my mid-20s, I've been with my boyfriend for 11 months. I recently found out that I'm 6 weeks pregnant, not planned and I haven't told him yet, not really sure why; maybe because I'm not sure what I want to do yet and need time to figure that out alone before I tell him and allow his opinion to sway me into something I maybe don't want.

Either way, he's a great guy, not perfect but who is at the end of the day. I'd say our biggest issue is he isn't very in tune with his emotions and it can feel like he doesn't even know how he feels let alone explain those feelings to me. But he is funny, caring and I believe he loves me. Im not an objectively attractive girl, by that I mean, I know I'm not a universally attractive person, I don't necessarily fit the societal standard but sure some people find me attractive. I'd say my boyfriend however is an objectively attractive man, most would agree he is attractive even if not their type. This has been a sore point for me, it's made me feel insecure and as though he would do better. I've made a real effort to not compare myself to others, part of this has been I don't or at least didn't know what his exes look like. I felt this was safest as I wouldn't compare myself. He promised he doesn't have a type so it wouldn't matter anyway but for my sake. I had asked about previous relationship before and very early asked "tell me about the best sex you've ever had". I ask this to get to know about what he likes. I didn't ask who it was with but he unintentionally told me the name of the girl, his ex from last year. He also at another point told me this same girl was who he believed was his "one who got away", again I had asked.

On Saturday we went to his work friends wedding, by chance we ran into his last ex, they broke up last April never worked together but did meet through the work friend and were together for about 8 months so not long. She was drop dead gorgeous, not in a subjective "you'll be someone's type way", but rather a has modelled in the past, stunning figure, gorgeous features. Of course she is also the girl he said he had the best sex of his life with. She was funny, well spoken and just generally seemed lovely, had a new partner of her own. The conversation was short, we moved on quickly.

Since then though I have felt so sad. I asked him why did they break up and he told me more or less it was that their lifestyles were quite different. She is from a wealthy family, privately educated and has a trust fund, he lives in a house share for example. He told me that as much as she was lovely and down to earth, it was hard being in a relationship where the income was so different and he felt like a charity case as she paid for most things. I asked if he loved her and he said "I don't know, I think so but it was a while ago". The convo continued and I asked about why he said she was the best sex he ever had though I got it as she was bloody stunning. He told me that they had sexual chemistry that was just on another level and he never expects to find again. We have discussed this before as sexual chemistry is definitely something we lack, he's more adventurous and kinky than I am. I asked if he still felt she was the one who got away and he said sort of but he's happy now with me and they wouldn't have worked.

Since then I've been so sad, we were meant to spend the night together but I've come home. I don't think I can compete with this stunning, interesting, well educated, funny girl who he had great sexual chemistry with. I worry I'm cheating us both out of something better and being pregnant is such a spanner in the works as I don't want to go ahead with the pregnancy unless I'm sure he's who I want. And while he is who I want I don't know if I'm who he wants or if he's just with me as I really preserved and after breaking up with someone so extraordinary, someone like me who's more plain and simple might be a nice change.

Now I don't know what to do,
I should probably have an abortion but that makes me sad too, then again I don't want to bring a baby into a relationship if I could predict it wouldn't last, that seems selfish and I don't really want to do it alone. I don't know if I can deal with the insecurity and jealousy of how incredible his ex was.

AIBU to feel this way? How do I handle this? I feel so overwhelmed and sad and just inferior.

Sorry this post is so long - thanks for reading if you got to here! Xx

Don't have a baby in this situation. You aren't happy or head over heels
Or even close to that. You have been together not even a year.
If it were me id split from
Him and wait to meet a man who was crazy about me and that would be a wonderful father

This.

Don’t have the baby unless you are prepared to raise it alone.

I think this relationship is draining the positivity and confidence you will need in bucket loads to bring a new baby into the world. You ideally need a partner you fully trust and who you can rely on 100%, to continue your pregnancy. And you need to be emotionally and financially secure as a couple at the very least.

Why not confide in your family and get a bit of support while you figure this all out. I’m sorry you feel so sad at what should be an exciting time for you.

He sounds like a tricky man to have a relationship with, let alone a baby …

I agree that you need to separate the pregnancy from the other issues and decide that first. It's not at all clear from your post how you feel about such a life-changing event at this point in your life.

I'm sure you know being ready to be a mother isn't just about whether you're with the right- or any- man. Do you have a good sense of how you'd make it work with your job and your longer-term life ambitions? And, as another poster asked, whether you'd get the support you'd need from outside your relationship if that didn't work out.

On him, I think you must know you're asking questions about his past that don't lead anywhere good and it does feel like something you need to mature out of. And so is thinking attractiveness levels are what ultimately keeps a relationship together- most people in the world aren't models and that's not what leads to real connection (or great sex), thank goodness.

Equally, his answers sound a bit thoughtless and as though he has some maturing to do too.

Please don't get stuck in a life you're not ready for because you're insecure and scared to be alone- you deserve better than that, and so does any child you bring into the world. Take some time to make the right decisions for you, and don't put some guy you haven't known for that long at the centre of them.

What you want matters- good luck.

You said you don’t want to bring a baby into your relationship and you don’t want to do it alone, I think you have your answer there.

Unless you tell him, but you have to prepare yourself for his opinion and it might not be what you want to hear. You’re making it his decision though still - hopefully you can separate this from your relationship. I’ve had an abortion when I was mid 20’s, it was definitely the right decision for me. But I chose what I wanted and left my partner at the time and moved on with my life.

Thats just my experience, just saying you can move on if that’s what you choose

I agree with this.

He sounds so complicated and I honestly wouldn't want any ties to him. If you choose not to continue this pregnancy, I'd have a clean break with him.

OP, I also had a termination in my early 20s because I knew it wasn't the relationship I wanted to bring a child into and I didn't want to be a single parent at that stage.

I did end up a single mother a few years later (best laid plans and all that!), but I don't regret the termination and never have.

I'd never ask anyone any of those questions because I don't want to know the answers. But I assume that if someone asks meanyquestion its because they want an honest answer and not to be fobbed off or lied to for the purpose of soothing their ego. So I am honest.
👏👏👏
Yes, this.

Stop asking questions that you won’t like the answer to. He’s being honest with you and you’re making yourself insecure.

Thanks everyone for the really sweet replies it means a lot.

My boyfriend is a good guy and I don't think he was intentionally malicious in his answers. I asked (more than once) and he gave honest answers. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking about someone's best sexual experience, for me it's a good way to get to know what they are into. Same for asking if they feel they have a one who got away - I do too and I don't expect to be their first love.

I guess it comes to feeling like I can't compete with her which he hasn't said, I don't think he still loves her or that he's not over her yet. So it doesn't worry me in that way.

As for the pregnancy, I'm not sure what I want and can't really articulate it any better than that right now. I need to think some more and straighten out my thoughts.

You sound insecure and jealous

And I think that stems from this guy not being right for you.

A guy who cares about you deeply would never say or do things which play into aspects of yourself you are unhappy about.

You've not been together very long. This is the honeymoon period, the best it will ever get. Can you honestly say this guy brings out the best in you?

…the only place you are competing with her is in your head.

She’s an ex for good reasons, they weren’t compatible. If he was in it for the looks, he might still be in it, but he wasn’t, he wanted something different.

There will always be people around who are thinner, taller, funnier, richer etc .. it doesn’t make them better people, or more worthy of love.

You should be your own cheerleader.

Love, you are young and have so much ahead of you. Don't tie yourself to someone less than ideal due to an accident.
This pregnancy is major. Babies are EXPENSIVE and very, very, very hard work. Your life won't be the same again.
Sounds like you will quickly become a single mother and that is SO HARD.
No more spontaneous... Anything really for the next many years.
Make sure you really REALLY want this (if you even do ... Sounds like not). Even in a loving relationship where the pregnancy is planned it is enough to almost break you.
Take care and think of what you want from your life x

This.

You don’t do this. My partner (we are much older on our 50s) he has no idea how many people I have slept with - I believe although I would not ask that he has only slept with one - his wife who died 3 years ago they were together from age 18.

I’ve been around the block multiple times. I love sex as does he, but we agreed early on not to discuss what we had done with other people. He has talked about his wife and he loved her beyond anything.

Regarding this pregnancy are you prepared to go it alone?

Firstly, I'm really sorry you feel this way OP, it sounds very tough and adding an unexpected pregnancy into the mix is very difficult.

What jumps out for me from your post is the impact that your low self esteem and unhelpful thinking styles are having on you. You are seeing the situation entirely through your faulty lens, if that makes sense, which is leading to you making upsetting assumptions about what is going on in this guy's head.

You say that he is poor at understanding and communication his own emotions. Is he really? Or is his communication style just different to yours? Perhaps he is very comfortable in his own skin and in his relationship with you, and doesn't feel the need to (over) analyse everything.

You've forced him into disclosures that he didn't feel the need to make, and then you're attributing to them the importance that you think they have. You're making huge leaps about what he thinks and feels, and joining up dots based on your own beliefs.

"The one that got away" and all this dwelling on the best sex ever is language you've imposed on him. So what if his ex was a great shag? Nothing you've said in your post makes it sound like he's the one stuck in the past. Doesn't he deserve to move on and have a new, enjoyable and rewarding relationship? Did he make a big deal about missing the sexual chemistry he enjoyed with his ex, or are you projecting your insecurities on to him?

(Incidentally, the chemistry was far more likely to be down to the frisson of the "worlds colliding" situation you describe, rather than exclusively down to her physical attractiveness).

Very, very gently, OP, you don't sound that you are in a good place to be in this, or any, relationship right now. I think you need to work on your self esteem and fix your brooding, black and white, catastrophic thinking styles.

Obviously the decision regarding the pregnancy is extremely personal and not something that strangers on the internet can advise you on. Best wishes with whatever you decide.

Ask yourself this: would you rather he lied?

It strikes me that many guys would've stuck with the previous GF and ridden the gravy train along with sex life and surface-level looks. He didn't...which begs the obvious question: why?

The obvious answer, of course, is "because he's not looking for that", and - given that you're out of the initial "get to know each other" phase of the relationship and he still appears to be completely honest with you about potentially damaging stuff - he's probably in for the long-haul.

And he's still chosen you, despite what you see as all your negative qualities relative to her. Taking your assessment of him, he's obviously got many choices, and...say it with me now...he's still with you.

It's quite telling how so many folk on here are saying "ditch him" when this is actually the kind of behaviour that builds long-term relationships - he trusts you enough to be able to tell you these things without it becoming a catastrophic relationship-ender. Binning him off at the first sign of difficulty is precisely how you become one of the many bitter people on here in their 30s and 40s bemoaning the fact that there are no good men around.

The adult thing to do is to respond to his honesty with honesty of your own instead of asking a bunch of women you've never met what you should do with your relationship (and pregnancy).

No, it’s not just admirable honesty that he told you he had sexual chemistry with another woman he ‘never expects to find again’. That’s cruel and pointless.

This is not a good relationship OP and anyone would feel insecure in it - nothing to do with his ex, but to do with how he has expressed himself to you.

I’ve had another level sexual chemistry with a guy that seemed like everything - handsome, athletic, intelligent, talented, funny, compassionate and kind and very good at communicating his emotions too.

Even him said it was magical. Honestly when we were together it seemed like the time stopped. We were in a world of our own. During sex, our bodies were just perfect together.

BUT our lifestyle and what we were looking for from a relationship was completely different and things between us would never have worked out long term. And I’m sure after having maybe a few more months of hot sex the cracks would show up as we were imcompatible in many ways.

Honestly I don’t expect to find that kind of chemistry with anybody else because it never happened before him nor after. It would be lovely if it did and the person was also the right package.

TBH, I wish I have never met him. We parted on good terms but we don’t talk because there is nothing there apart from some memories that are fading and the sense that it was too unique.
If we met at a party, I’d be civel but glad it didn’t work out as I know the sex would not make a relationship with him sustainable.

OP, it is highly likely you are walking into single motherhood, is that what you really want?
It is not easy at all.
This relationship is not going to last, your lack of chemistry tells you that.

Focus on the things you can control, working on your low self esteem, sorting out decent contraception and not resigning yourself to single motherhood after a casual relationship.
He is hardly going to welcome this news.
Think of your future and what you want for it.

You sound like you have a lot of work on yourself to do, you don’t sound like you’re ready for a relationship. I won’t mention the pregnancy, only you can know whether or not you’d make a good parent.

This is not a man you want to be biologically tied to, to the rest of your life.

Google Rebbeca syndrome and Retroactive Jealousy.

Dont degrade yourself OP.
He is either actively trying to make you insecure at worst , or it doesn't particularly bother him at best.

His ex didnt like him much, and hes deliberately making sure you know you're second best. You don't even feel excited or confident having sex with him. Nor would I tbh.
How fucking dare he. What a loser. Im not surprised someone with more confidence than you saw straight through him.

Single motherhood is very hard, yes, but so is having an abortion you don’t want to have.
Maybe pregnancy hormones messing with your head right now.

Take it easy, OP, is there anyone you can reach out to IRL for support and advice? x