Met his ex now I'm really sad

[elencam]

Hi,

I'm not too sure why I'm posting or what I'm hoping to get from this but I guess I want to untwine my thoughts and get advice.

I'm in my mid-20s, I've been with my boyfriend for 11 months. I recently found out that I'm 6 weeks pregnant, not planned and I haven't told him yet, not really sure why; maybe because I'm not sure what I want to do yet and need time to figure that out alone before I tell him and allow his opinion to sway me into something I maybe don't want.

Either way, he's a great guy, not perfect but who is at the end of the day. I'd say our biggest issue is he isn't very in tune with his emotions and it can feel like he doesn't even know how he feels let alone explain those feelings to me. But he is funny, caring and I believe he loves me. Im not an objectively attractive girl, by that I mean, I know I'm not a universally attractive person, I don't necessarily fit the societal standard but sure some people find me attractive. I'd say my boyfriend however is an objectively attractive man, most would agree he is attractive even if not their type. This has been a sore point for me, it's made me feel insecure and as though he would do better. I've made a real effort to not compare myself to others, part of this has been I don't or at least didn't know what his exes look like. I felt this was safest as I wouldn't compare myself. He promised he doesn't have a type so it wouldn't matter anyway but for my sake. I had asked about previous relationship before and very early asked "tell me about the best sex you've ever had". I ask this to get to know about what he likes. I didn't ask who it was with but he unintentionally told me the name of the girl, his ex from last year. He also at another point told me this same girl was who he believed was his "one who got away", again I had asked.

On Saturday we went to his work friends wedding, by chance we ran into his last ex, they broke up last April never worked together but did meet through the work friend and were together for about 8 months so not long. She was drop dead gorgeous, not in a subjective "you'll be someone's type way", but rather a has modelled in the past, stunning figure, gorgeous features. Of course she is also the girl he said he had the best sex of his life with. She was funny, well spoken and just generally seemed lovely, had a new partner of her own. The conversation was short, we moved on quickly.

Since then though I have felt so sad. I asked him why did they break up and he told me more or less it was that their lifestyles were quite different. She is from a wealthy family, privately educated and has a trust fund, he lives in a house share for example. He told me that as much as she was lovely and down to earth, it was hard being in a relationship where the income was so different and he felt like a charity case as she paid for most things. I asked if he loved her and he said "I don't know, I think so but it was a while ago". The convo continued and I asked about why he said she was the best sex he ever had though I got it as she was bloody stunning. He told me that they had sexual chemistry that was just on another level and he never expects to find again. We have discussed this before as sexual chemistry is definitely something we lack, he's more adventurous and kinky than I am. I asked if he still felt she was the one who got away and he said sort of but he's happy now with me and they wouldn't have worked.

Since then I've been so sad, we were meant to spend the night together but I've come home. I don't think I can compete with this stunning, interesting, well educated, funny girl who he had great sexual chemistry with. I worry I'm cheating us both out of something better and being pregnant is such a spanner in the works as I don't want to go ahead with the pregnancy unless I'm sure he's who I want. And while he is who I want I don't know if I'm who he wants or if he's just with me as I really preserved and after breaking up with someone so extraordinary, someone like me who's more plain and simple might be a nice change.

Now I don't know what to do,
I should probably have an abortion but that makes me sad too, then again I don't want to bring a baby into a relationship if I could predict it wouldn't last, that seems selfish and I don't really want to do it alone. I don't know if I can deal with the insecurity and jealousy of how incredible his ex was.

AIBU to feel this way? How do I handle this? I feel so overwhelmed and sad and just inferior.

Sorry this post is so long - thanks for reading if you got to here! Xx

I'm exactly the same as this

Ps just seen you're in your kid 20s you have another 15 years to have a baby in circumstances where you feel happier and more secure.
I really suggest a pregnancy counselling from Marie stopes to help you decide what to do

Hopefully this will be a lesson to both of you that discussions around exes and ones that got away have no value when building a relationship. I've been with my wife 12 years and we've never talked about each others "magic numbers" and very little chat about previous relationships in general

Sexual chemistry is created in the bedroom through ongoing communication in a respectful way, not with a checklist of what he/she liked from other people

Her background and model looks are red herrings, to be honest. Even if she had warts all over her face and 3 breasts, you'd still be jealous of her being his best sex ever and the one that got away

Well first of all he answered wrong, you should be the best he's had point blank.

Sounds very insensitive no wonder you feel the way you do with or without being pregnant.

All of us feel insecure from time to time. But I always remind myself that if they are an ex couldn't of been that great no matter what they look like, or how funny they seem. You don't really know the real character (my ex was funny when he was my friend but moody and tempermental when i was in a relationship)
You've said it yourself you don't think he has any feelings for her.

Does he ever show you affection or compliment you. Sorry if youve said and I missed it.

But op, you don’t need to compete with her, you’re absolutely not in competition with her, she is not after your partner. He is not after her. There is no competition. No competing. It is just in your head.

Hey OP. I've been in a slightly similar situation and understand how you'd feel like that. Think its soo unhealthy to ask about past partners like you did though.

Have you made sure you know about when you need to decide re baby? I know it can take longer than expected and you don't want to be caught off guard and lose your ability to decide for yourself. Even if this relationship was blissful, 6 months is a too short I think to know. My friend started a family with someone she'd known for that long, and I think she regrets it, it's totally changed and determined her life and she is trapped with few options now. You deserve to have a baby with someone with whom you are in a very committed and very SECURE relationship with. Doesn't sound like the right time so protect yourself.

On the looks thing, it's so hard not to compare. So hard. We are sooo conditioned to think beauty is the be all and end all. Takes years to unlearn but there are ways to.

Asking what the best sex he had is not a way of finding out what he likes. Asking him what he likes is the best way. Otherwise you are setting yourself to compare, you can not replicate what he had. Would you have felt better if she had been plain? I don’t think so because you would still be comparing.

I have had some great sex in the past that could not be replicated because it was of a time and place. He has been honest with you and it’s self destructive to ask questions that you may not like the answer to. It’s not as if he has offered this himself and is comparing you. You are doing that by yourself.

Try to work on your own self worth and have confidence in yourself, you are worth it.

You're too insecure.

If you want to ask someone what they like sexually, you don't ask about past partners. That's private. I doubt that you'd like be discussed in that way by an Ex, with their new love.

You don't have any business asking him that and if you continue like this, he'll get fed up of this type of questions.

His reason for their break up is valid Large income gaps can be difficult.

You need to understand he's with you for a reason and that's because he wants to be. There will always be people better or not as good looking as any one of us.

Be confident, that you are uniquely you and that he's not being held hostage in a relationship with you. It's his choice to be with you.

You were very stupid to ask all those very personal questions and he was very stupid to lack the tact to lie!

You are still so very young and you’ve not even been with him a year.

You have all the time in the world to meet someone you feel perfect with and have a lovely family. Imagine being with someone who you connect with extremely well both in bed and out of it. Imagine getting pregnant and bursting at the seems with excitement to tell them. You could have all of this in your future. Don’t settle for less.

I got pregnant in my mid twenties in the early part of a relationship during a very chaotic phase of life. I had an abortion and have never regretted it.

but, 20 years later I’m still in that relationship. I don’t know if I would be if we’d put a baby in the mix, but I am. I think you need to think about what you want to do about the baby first and foremost. And I agree with pp that you need to tell him and that will tell you a lot about where the relationship is at and where it’s headed. It did for me!

I think you are way more beautiful than you think. Why else would he go for a "drop dead gorgeous girl" to someone who isn't similiar? I think you are over thinking a lot (understandably)

Remember men generally prefer the feeling of being respected and understood. Bring peace to a man's life and they generally are happy.

My husband's first love/ only ex is clearly more attractive than me. I once asked "do you wish it worked out with her" he said "no, you bring me peace and happiness, she brought nothing but drama and I could foresee my future" looks were not even mentioned. You are fishing for replies that realistically he can't win regardless. When you ask about the best sex he ever had? It sounds like you are asking about the PAST. Take it at face value.

It doesn't sound like you are ready for a baby but it's a big decision to make. Don't obsess over the ex.

You don’t really sound ready for a relationship if I’m being honest. You sound like you have some really bad self esteem issues, which is sad because I’m sure you’re great. You seem considerate and are probably quiet attractive (men don’t tend to date and sleep with women they are not attracted to).
First of all you need to learn to not ask questions you are not ready to hear the answer to! We all have to learn this, normally the hard way.
Second of all, if you have this baby (or any baby ever) you need to sort this negative self talk out. My mum was very insecure about her looks and used to speak negatively about herself when she was younger. This primarily impacted my older sister, as by the time I was born she had really worked hard on it. It really really has a profound impact on how you see yourself as a woman (can’t say for men, but I’m sure it has similar impacts on them too).
You seem to think because your partner is “better looking” than you he is better than you and you don’t deserve him… this kind of mind set will only set you up for being taken advantage of and possibly abused. I am not saying your partner is abusive at all, but insecure people are easy pickings for predators of all kinds.
Finally, and this is just an observation I’ve had - I cannot think of one couple I know where the man is the better looking one. When I walk down the street, if I see a couple where the man is more attractive than the woman, it’s an anomaly to the point I have to actively not gawk at them. The chance you are actually punching is slim.

You say I don't think there is anything wrong with asking about someone's best sexual experience, for me it's a good way to get to know what they are into. Same for asking if they feel they have a one who got away - I do too and I don't expect to be their first love.

But there is something wrong with asking that. You set both of yourselves up for failure because he is going to answer and tell you about good sex he had with someone who isn't you, and you're going to move on from that worrying that you're not going to out-do them and get to the top of his list.

If you want to know what someone is into sexually, ask them. In fact, that's a conversation you should be having if you want a good sexual relationship anyway. Don't ask it in a roundabout way that is just going to make you feel bad.

And as for asking if he has 'one who got away' (in other words, is there someone you'd prefer to be with if you could?')... you're also just going to add to your insecurities and low self esteem even further with questions like that. You obviously do know how to look after yourself mentally as you said you were avoiding looking up his exes. So why do you need/want to know?

So he got together with you very soon after her.

"sexual chemistry is definitely something we lack, he's more adventurous and kinky than I am"
You mean he has demands and expectations that you aren't comfortable with, would that be right?

You can get crisis pregnancy counselling if you are unsure what to do regarding the pregnancy.

But you have doubts about this relationship, and from what you say I would too.

He sounds a bit thick if he can't read the room when he's telling you stuff about his past.
It shows that he might be treating you more like a friend then a girlfriend because he's happy to tell you all his innermost thoughts without realising he's speaking to his partner not a 'pal'.

"our biggest issue is he isn't very in tune with his emotions and it can feel like he doesn't even know how he feels let alone explain those feelings to me. But he is funny, caring and I believe he loves me"
Do you not feel loved then or wanted by him?

He seems well able to put his feelings into words some of the time, when he's telling you about his past.

I'd be very wary that you might be dismissing any worries or faults that he may have because your own self esteem is so low you might feel that any man is better than no man.
That's a dangerous place to be in. Because you'll just keep making excuses for him and dismissing any gut feelings you have.