Met his ex now I'm really sad

[elencam]

Hi,

I'm not too sure why I'm posting or what I'm hoping to get from this but I guess I want to untwine my thoughts and get advice.

I'm in my mid-20s, I've been with my boyfriend for 11 months. I recently found out that I'm 6 weeks pregnant, not planned and I haven't told him yet, not really sure why; maybe because I'm not sure what I want to do yet and need time to figure that out alone before I tell him and allow his opinion to sway me into something I maybe don't want.

Either way, he's a great guy, not perfect but who is at the end of the day. I'd say our biggest issue is he isn't very in tune with his emotions and it can feel like he doesn't even know how he feels let alone explain those feelings to me. But he is funny, caring and I believe he loves me. Im not an objectively attractive girl, by that I mean, I know I'm not a universally attractive person, I don't necessarily fit the societal standard but sure some people find me attractive. I'd say my boyfriend however is an objectively attractive man, most would agree he is attractive even if not their type. This has been a sore point for me, it's made me feel insecure and as though he would do better. I've made a real effort to not compare myself to others, part of this has been I don't or at least didn't know what his exes look like. I felt this was safest as I wouldn't compare myself. He promised he doesn't have a type so it wouldn't matter anyway but for my sake. I had asked about previous relationship before and very early asked "tell me about the best sex you've ever had". I ask this to get to know about what he likes. I didn't ask who it was with but he unintentionally told me the name of the girl, his ex from last year. He also at another point told me this same girl was who he believed was his "one who got away", again I had asked.

On Saturday we went to his work friends wedding, by chance we ran into his last ex, they broke up last April never worked together but did meet through the work friend and were together for about 8 months so not long. She was drop dead gorgeous, not in a subjective "you'll be someone's type way", but rather a has modelled in the past, stunning figure, gorgeous features. Of course she is also the girl he said he had the best sex of his life with. She was funny, well spoken and just generally seemed lovely, had a new partner of her own. The conversation was short, we moved on quickly.

Since then though I have felt so sad. I asked him why did they break up and he told me more or less it was that their lifestyles were quite different. She is from a wealthy family, privately educated and has a trust fund, he lives in a house share for example. He told me that as much as she was lovely and down to earth, it was hard being in a relationship where the income was so different and he felt like a charity case as she paid for most things. I asked if he loved her and he said "I don't know, I think so but it was a while ago". The convo continued and I asked about why he said she was the best sex he ever had though I got it as she was bloody stunning. He told me that they had sexual chemistry that was just on another level and he never expects to find again. We have discussed this before as sexual chemistry is definitely something we lack, he's more adventurous and kinky than I am. I asked if he still felt she was the one who got away and he said sort of but he's happy now with me and they wouldn't have worked.

Since then I've been so sad, we were meant to spend the night together but I've come home. I don't think I can compete with this stunning, interesting, well educated, funny girl who he had great sexual chemistry with. I worry I'm cheating us both out of something better and being pregnant is such a spanner in the works as I don't want to go ahead with the pregnancy unless I'm sure he's who I want. And while he is who I want I don't know if I'm who he wants or if he's just with me as I really preserved and after breaking up with someone so extraordinary, someone like me who's more plain and simple might be a nice change.

Now I don't know what to do,
I should probably have an abortion but that makes me sad too, then again I don't want to bring a baby into a relationship if I could predict it wouldn't last, that seems selfish and I don't really want to do it alone. I don't know if I can deal with the insecurity and jealousy of how incredible his ex was.

AIBU to feel this way? How do I handle this? I feel so overwhelmed and sad and just inferior.

Sorry this post is so long - thanks for reading if you got to here! Xx

Why not just ask him what he likes in bed? Why would you ask about 'the best sex he's ever had' it seems immature to me. Also asking if they feel there's 'one who got away' - that's a very odd thing to ask if you already a bit insecure - especially if you then end up meeting them. It's adds nothing to your relationship. Ask about their other relationships but 'the one that got away' is more that that - someone they still hold a torch for and wish things could have been different with.

I don't think either of you are in the right place or with the right person to have a baby. It's not something that's even been discussed between you. He lives in a house share, you've never lived together, where do you live? Do you have supportive family and friends to help you if you end up going it alone? Please don't underestimate how difficult and isolating having a baby can be.

I agree with this, to say 'he never expects to find again' was bloody awful. I'd give him his freedom to go and find that because if he was happy with your sex life, he wouldn't have said that

I'd talk to him explain seeing his ex and knowing she's the one that got away and beautiful has left you feeling insecure. Ask him if he's serious about you and if he sees a future. Then try to work things out from there

I think OP you have bigger issues here, like the fact that the father of your future child lives in a house share. How will that work?

Also your comment about competing with her, you don't have to compete with her. Nowhere is that competition happening other than your head.

Oof his answers about best sex and the one that got away etc are very tricky for you to hear...it's hard when you have low self esteem.

I just wanted to message and say I have a friend who feels like you - she doesn't fit all the 'conventionally physically attractive' boxes and has low self esteem as a result.

She is chatted up more than ANYONE I know because her personality is fun - she IS incredibly attractive, because attraction is not just based on the shape of your nose or your eyes, it's based on your whole soul. And the same friend has just passed her 15 year anniversary with her boyfriend - the same boyfriend whose ex girlfriend was stunningly beautiful, proper head turner, and who she felt was out of her league initially.

It's really hard, but, he's with you because he wants to be. Try and let him choose you, if that's what he wants to do.

If it were me, I'd seriously consider if I were ready for parenthood.

I'd think I was young and I could have a baby once I was more settled and ready for that stage in my life emotionally and financially.

You'd benefit from counselling to help you decide how to proceed and also counselling for your low esteem.

Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. For example we are told that models are beautiful and for decades magazines have pushed us into aspiring to be like them.

Some of the things they have I find quite the opposite to attractive. A big gap between the front teeth, knobbly bones in the chest and back prominent, no chest to speak of, no bum to speak of. I don't find any of those things attractive.

I also think we all know someone who thinks they are ugly but they are so not ugly at all. Or a couple and ones a four and the other a nine. And they are quite happy together because they see things through their eyes.

I’m sorry you’re having a shit time. You sound like you are very insecure and have major self esteem issues.

Why do you keep asking this man questions about his ex? The best sex he’s ever had? Questions like these are just lose lose because you likely won’t like the answer. If he was honest and said his ex, you’d be upset. If he lied and said you, you wouldn’t believe him anyway!

On another note, he seems like a bit of a twat. There’s no way I’d be with a man if he referred to his ex as the one that got away and the best sex of his life. How insensitive and tone deaf. You deserve to be with someone who thinks the sun shines out your backside!

If she was the one for him they would still be together. Remember that.

Also a word of advice I’ve picked up over the years.

Don’t ask your partner questions that you may not want to hear the answer to. She may be the best sex of his life but you really didn’t need to know that.

OP I think you’re in a tender place at the moment there’s a lot of complex emotion going on.

I will say that you asked ‘what’s the best sex you ever had’ rather than asking him more directly what he likes in bed. To me this signals that you have a slightly masochistic urge to compare yourself to other people. This is compounded by the way you even compare your perceived attractiveness to his. It seems like you are insecure about how others perceive him, and you. You’re the only person who can know what to do about the pregnancy, but it seems like there’s a great amount of self esteem work that would benefit you.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work tbh. Rather then reassuring you and making you feel special he’s told one girl was the one that got away (which would be a deal breaker for me) and then girl from the wedding, he’s done nothing to make you feel like the most special thing to him.

An abortion is a temporary sadness that will pass, you’ll look back in a year or twos time and be glad you done it. I don’t think I’d choose to live life as a single mum or spend my life with someone who made me feel shit, just because I was pregnant. I also wouldn’t want to make him feel like he had to be with me just because I was pregnant, I’d want someone to be with me for me - not a baby.

This is what I would do, and is in no way me pushing for you to do the same.

I would end the relationship, end the pregnancy and seek to work on my self esteem.

You’re very, very insecure. His honesty has hurt you and you’re trying to compete, and failing, with your perception of his objectively perfect ex. No one is perfect. But at the root of this is an insecure and unhappy woman, which will never lead to a successful relationship.

You’re young, you’ve time to work on how you feel about yourself, make a success of yourself, and once you’re happy and value yourself, a relationship will be rewarding.

For the future, I don't think those are good questions to get to know what someone likes. Why are you trying to compete or recreate the best sex he's had with someone else, in a relationship that didn't last? Instead you could ask something like what his fantasy sex would look like, or what he would like to try with you, or even simply what it is that he enjoys the most interesting bed. That way you're not bringing exes into it at all, you're not comparing yourself to anyone, and you're setting him up thinking about what he can share with you. Same with the "one who got away" that really implies that he still wants to be with this person. Instead why not ask if he's ever been in love before, or experienced heartbreak or a painful end to a relationship.

In your position I wouldn't keep the man or the baby. You're so young and have not been together long.

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking about someone's best sexual experience, for me it's a good way to get to know what they are into. Same for asking if they feel they have a one who got away - I do too and I don't expect to be their first love.

There is plenty wrong with asking if it becomes a stick with which to beat him and/or yourself with.
It’s a bad way of finding out what they are into- because each couple is unique, and it looks to close down the possibilities that are open only to you and him.

One who got away- also a terrible question: it just means “flog me with a name so I feel awful”

You poor thing, it doesn’t sound like this is the perfect relationship or time in your life to be bringing in a new baby.

You’re still young. IMHO you would do well to discontinue the pregnancy, build your self esteem, find your life partner for whom YOU should be the one they always wanted (and are not second best / settling for) and vice versa. He is out there and you will feel totally different when you are with him.

Don’t ruin your life and settle into young single motherhood to a man who doesn’t love and adore you.

Oh my, you are so young. He does not sound like your forever guy, he is the ‘right now’ guy. If you want to keep the baby, do it because you really want a child not because you want to keep your boyfriend. I feel its likely you would end up a single mum.

Regarding your issues about his ex, very normal to feel like that. I am also, not a universally attractive person but I found the jealousy over exs gets better as you age.

Do you actually want to be linked to this man for life? You have years ahead of you for men and babies. Make the right choice OP.

"The one that got away ". I had this used against me for years . It turned out he never even had a relationship with her just went on a few coffee dates , she wasn't interested in him . I believe " The one that got away" was just a stick to beat me with and Neg me .

Just want to give you a virtual hug OP! Early pregnancy is tough and I think many women have gone through the insecurities you're experiencing.
My advice would be to 1- stop the questions about his ex and past sex life. He's with you now and you have a baby coming. Everyone has a past.
2- spend some time if you can doing some pampering, self care. A short trip, a spa day, anything to help you get a bit of a lift.

Tbh what she looks like isn't so important - I've definitely gone for the neanderthal looking bloke over the standard pretty boys a lot. Different things are attractive to different people.

What does really bother me about your post is how he says they had sexual chemistry he never expected to have again, and she was the one that got away. That's a bloody horrible thing to say to a new girlfriend if you ask me. You are noone's second choice and those comments will make you feel that way. He sounds like a negative twat to me.

If you want to keep the baby, that is totally your choice.

You are so young. Are you thinking in a couple of months he’ll move out of his house sharing and you’ll moving somewhere together?
You’ve been together less than a year, and you don’t have a sexual spark as you call it, he tells you the best sex was with somebody else because you’re pregnant doesn’t change the way you relate to each other. Second put the pregnancy aside and consider whether you want to continue with the relationship I would be dropping out

Then consider whether you want to continue this unplanned pregnancy.
Good luck

A lot 0f posters are missing that he didn't colunteer this information to try to make her feel insecure. She repeatedly asked and is now torturing herself with the answers.

He’s been honest she’s good enough for a girlfriend, but that’s it.

I would walk away from this. It doesn’t sound like he’s over her - she was the one who got away and he never expects to have that chemistry again. This would set off alarm bells for me and they aren’t nice things to say to your new partner. He doesn’t even know if he loved her (emotionally unavailable) and they broke up because of different incomes. I’m sure he is a nice and funny guy but it doesn’t sound like he can put his whole heart into the relationship with you. If you felt he was the one I don’t think your gut would be telling you to feel unsure/insecure. I’m so sorry OP

Honestly you need to find a way to ask this that isn’t asking ‘tell me about when you had amazing sex with someone else’ , and if you can’t then don’t ask it. Ditto for is there a ‘one that got away’ for you? Tell me about her. No good can come of that.

Call Marie stopes and ask to be referred to a counsellor to help you work out what to do about the pregnancy.

Then deal with your feelings about the ex but anyone would be insecure if their boyfriend's ex looked like a model and is also rich clever and pretty! So don't feel bad that you feel insecure about that.