Friends husband a miserable git

[Lovegoingout]

We recently went on holiday with friends we have known for 30 years. 5 men and 5 women. 9 of us had a great time. My friends husband was miserable the whole time, never took his long trousers and long sleeved shirt off. It was 30C, kept himself separate from everyone else and never engaged.

Had a long face at every meal out. Lost his temper with a waiter about nothing.

I am done with him as in 30 years he has never asked us about us, our children or anything we have done. We have talked to him, asked him about his hobbies but he makes it plain with one word answers that he is not interested. When we go out as a foursome, he puts my friend down in front of us.

We have put up with it for 30 years but no longer. How do I extract from going out as a 4 some without upsetting my friend, who is lovely.?

i will still go out with the larger group of 10 but won’t sit next to him.

i love my friend and feel sorry for her being downtrodden by him. All the other 8 in the group feel the same but are frightened to upset and break up the group and won’t say anything to him so we continue going out with 1 miserable git spoiling the evening.

he is also very arrogant and knows it all

Constantly belittling his wife in front of others is the mark of a twat, it doesn't go hand in hand with ND. DD2 is ND, 15 years old and behaves better than the DH. Too many men are just allowed to get away with appalling behaviour

I agree- its pretty offensive to suggest that rudeness must always = ND.
Putting others down in public isnt an ND trait, its more a trait of an abusive relationship dynamic.

It must be awful for her. Maybe when you next see her say ‘was DH ok, he didn’t seem to enjoy the holiday’ and see what she says.

My best friend’s husband is difficult. He is frequently vile and belittling to her. He dominates the conversation, talks over everyone, won’t let his teenagers talk with interrupting them and has no awareness of social cues. Lots of food issues. He definitely has a type of autism but mostly he is a boring twat. She won’t talk about it, let alone leave him so I stopped talking to her about it decades ago. We love her so we put up with him, I also don’t want to see her become isolated.

I don't know whether he is ND but the description OP gives, especially of the weird behaviour with his clothes, all point to some mental health issue being involved.

As regards him belittling his wife infront of her friends, which the OP says has been going on for 30 years: why does his wife want to include him in social events with her friends if his behaviour towards her at these social events is so bad? Are you implying she is incapable of socialising with her friends without him being there or are you implying he won't let her not go alone? Surely if she found this behaviour towards her in front of them so awful she would leave him at home when she met her friends or even not go along to group events. Yet OP says her friend is busy trying to arrange other social events including him.

This is yet another thread where we are being invited to judge another couples relationship at third hand. If the friend herself was posting on here about her relationship and how her DH treats her in front of her friends then that would be totally different. But no, we are getting a report from OP, who is not unbiased because she can't stand the man anyway, of her friends marriage as she sees it in public. She has no idea what goes on between the couple in private.

OP has every right not to want to socialise with her friend' s DH. She can still maintain the friendship without seeing him. But her account of the DH and his behaviour smack of judgement and assumptions and the tone of this thread where someone's behaviour is quite weird is just a reminder of how people with mental health difficulties are still treated in society.

I have a friend whose DH is a bit like this - he no longer comes along to anything. Could your lovely friend just say to him, look you never enjoy it so why don't you just stay home?

There are a number of things which sound like traits of Asperger's- the dressing inappropriately for the occasion, the dislike of changes in routine (going on holiday) and the difficulty with small talk and social/communication issues. I have a number of relatives with somewhat similar behaviours and diagnoses in the family.
However although a neurodiversity might explain the root of his behaviour I wouldn't say it's an excuse, because other people have boundaries of acceptable behaviour and certainly overstepping those to the extent of abusive behaviour is not ok.
It seems as if your friend doesn't challenge him or push back which has exacerbated the situation, I would suggest that you simply encourage her to tell him not to go with you all.

Next time you male plans an she assumes he is coming, id go a bit overboard to say

"are you sure? He doesn't have to come if he doesn't want to. He doesn't seem to enjoy our company much as he doesn't speak to us or gives one word answers. I'm not saying he can't come but he just seems really unhappput be out with us and tbh I left the last catch-up feeling uncomfortable and like I'd upset him And I don't really want to do that again."

Then leave a lot of space to let her talk or offer up a solution.

Brilliant for you but you do realise not everyone is you and may behave differently to how you did !!!
My social anxiety makes me extremely snippey and yes sometimes rude or abrupt

For goodness sake. Put your big pants on and tell them you don't it can't go!

Your friend continuously trying to do foursomes when she knows well how rude and poorly behaved he is, would piss me off.

She may choose to be with this awful twat that speaks badly to her in public but why should others have to tolerate it?

She is clearly determined to foist him on others to suit herself.
There is no way I would do that to my husband on a precious holiday OR a night out.
Life is too short.

You’ve all put up with him for 30 years 🤔

Ugh, this reminds me of the relationship between 2 colleagues in my second workplace where I had gone for promotion - sadly they got married and I felt sorry for the wife. She and I were senior staff and her husband (several years younger) was one of the junior staff. We seniors were all churchgoers of different denominations and he was also a churchgoer which probably brought them together Unfortunately he was a manchild and she ended up mothering him...for years. I lost all respect for him at the leaving do for a pregnant colleague when I heard him making rude comments under his breath about pregnant women - fortunately our colleague was unaware. At the time I was also pregnant, and I made damn sure that my leaving do would be held on the day when the prat was at college so he wouldnt get a chance to insult me!

I thought he was wearing those clothes because he was uncomfortable with his own body and didn't want to expose it to others

Yea. Some of us have a skin disease that we don't want comments on from ignorant people, so we cover up. Even at the height of summer at 30 degrees..... 😚

I'm another one who doesn't get why the friend's husband's clothing choices means he has mental health issues.

If he always dresses like this, then he does. The 30 degrees is irrelevant. I'm in Australia and see plenty of people who stay covered up.

The fur-lined slippers do seem rather statement-y

I'd just go for his being an arsehole due to his separation from the group, grumpiness, being horrible to his wife and rude to a waiter.