Friends husband a miserable git

[Lovegoingout]

We recently went on holiday with friends we have known for 30 years. 5 men and 5 women. 9 of us had a great time. My friends husband was miserable the whole time, never took his long trousers and long sleeved shirt off. It was 30C, kept himself separate from everyone else and never engaged.

Had a long face at every meal out. Lost his temper with a waiter about nothing.

I am done with him as in 30 years he has never asked us about us, our children or anything we have done. We have talked to him, asked him about his hobbies but he makes it plain with one word answers that he is not interested. When we go out as a foursome, he puts my friend down in front of us.

We have put up with it for 30 years but no longer. How do I extract from going out as a 4 some without upsetting my friend, who is lovely.?

i will still go out with the larger group of 10 but won’t sit next to him.

i love my friend and feel sorry for her being downtrodden by him. All the other 8 in the group feel the same but are frightened to upset and break up the group and won’t say anything to him so we continue going out with 1 miserable git spoiling the evening.

he is also very arrogant and knows it all

If she doesn't get to go, so be it. There is no way I would inflict a holiday like this on my husband.
Bad enough for a night out, absolutely ridiculous to have then gone on holiday with him.

I’m finding it hard to understand why your female friend wants to keep making couple / group plans when her husband acts the way he does. It just seems strange that she assumes everybody is happy to have him there behaving like that.

Ignore him, cant be that hard seen as he also ignores you.

My husband uncle was a bit like this. He kept on seeking me out at every family gathering to criticise dhs dad. I wish I'd said to him the very first time 'what the fuck do you think this has to do with me?' But it evolved to avoiding him, then not going to places he would be.

I know someone else like it now and it's OK to not engage with them. Don't sit next to him.

I think it's very important that you don't abandon your beloved friend. She will need and value your support.

I'd try and think of ways to see her alone. Maybe even a white lie - something like your OH is busy with family / has a lot going on these next few weeks, how about catch up just the two of you? Or suggest an activity you both like, for example a show, with dinner or drinks. You might find that with time alone she opens up about her situation more.

His name isn't Gerry McCann is it?

Is that what's causing your anxiety?

What are you doing about your behaviour?

But if she knows she's imposing her husband on all of you when you could see her on her own

That's not fair or reasonable

You didn't enjoy his company but it seems he didn't enjoy yours either. Does it matter what he wears on his holiday? Hes probably miserable because his wife and her friend have engineered a holiday where he doesn't want to be.

Just keep your friendship seperate

All these people making excuses for mardy poor behaviour....

Just meet her for lunch.

I think your friends husband has ground her down over the years. Although you and your other friends don't want to upset the apple cart; what your in fact doing is normalising his behaviour and making it acceptable. Maybe your friend might need to hear his behaviour is unacceptable and that people are bothered about the way he treats her?

I also think how close a friendship can it be with no honesty. Closeness depends on honesty and being able to negotiate that even when it's uncomfortable. Me and my friend (33 year friendship) had a not dissimilar situation recently. We holidayed as families last year. Her family don't want to spend time anymore. Her kids are older than mine (girls) and tbh her family isn't very social. My kids are young boys and tbh bloody crazy 🙈 She told me & it was uncomfortable, but I said to her it's always been our friendship and I think we should see each other alone...I don't need 'family days' and 'joint holidays'; just our friendship. I also said I look forward to my kids getting older & then we will ditch our families and holiday together just us; like when we were young. To carry on and force our families together would of caused unhappiness and also dishonesty. Excuses would have eroded our friendship. We carry on in honesty just the two of us 👍

I think you tell your friend sensitively how your feeling; respecting your friendship. But also how you feel about her treatment from her husband. I would encourage the group to invite her alone next year. He doesn't enjoy it. Nobody enjoys him...stop living a lie 🤷

Feel like maybe the men on the holiday should have spoken up, had a lads night and found out what his problem is, and yous as her mates should do the same with her but not in a ganging up and why this and why that way but a "hey we've noticed so and so seems really distant lately, is there something any of us has done"... also maybe he's antisocial and being dragged to these things because his wife's wants to come and doesnt want to be the odd one out, so if he's been brow beaten to mix with a bunch of people he's not that interested in then it's a tough one, maybe he would get alot of grief at home no one knows what relationships are like behind closed doors and maybe he loves her enough to go for her sake but just isn't interested in any of you. I'm a 35 yr old woman and honestly cannot be bothered to socialise whatsoever anymore but if my partner wanted me to go with him somewhere so he didn't miss out I'd do it for his sake but wouldnt be fake and false to people I don't want to engage with

Ask your mate if he was ok and say he didn't seem to enjoy himself. Then tell your mate that it's okay if her DH doesn't want to come on things in the future, and that she isn't going to be left out. Give him permission not to be there and he won't come. Job done.

Whats him wearing trousers and long sleeve shirts got to do with it? Random

For small group outings you could say something along the lines of, "Our social occasions never seem comfortable for (insert name), so let's give him a break and do something else.
If she insists he's fine you could then go into more detail of why it's really not.
For your large group holidays, all carry on as normal and just work around him, not giving any extra attention to his sulkiness. There's enough of you to do that.

Group holiday probably his idea of hell.

@ZenNudist Probably. It would’ve been much better if he’d said this to his wife and stayed at home, instead of sitting there like a wet weekend. I’ve declined to go on trips with DH and vice versa. You don’t have to do everything together!

He probably has issues OP. MH issues perhaps. This is not normal behaviour.
I think sometimes people don't see that there are actual problems at play unless they've experienced something similar in their own family.
It must be very difficult for your friend. I would be there for her if you can.

What strange behaviour with the clothes, maybe he's got Chickenpox 😂

I agree it's really rude and unfriendly, youre not being unreasonable. Equally, I do think sometimes people get dragged into couples socialising when it really doesn't work. He clearly just didn't want to be there and possibly suffers from some kind of MH/social anxiety type of situation (no excuse to show it/make others feel uncomfortable) but I do wonder if the dynamic is that she begs him to go because its clearly a couples holiday, he doesn't want to be there, resents the cost, resents the use of his annual leave, wouldn't have chosen a hot destination (clearly clothing wise it didnt work for him) and wouldn't choose your company. Maybe he has his own friends he'd rather go on a golfing holiday to Scotland with, or a solo trip to Iceland and instead he's been pushed into this with people he doesn't like. I'm not excusing the behaviour but if it was "we are celebrating with an 8 person holiday" then he probably felt manipulated into going. I hate it when new friends are like "let's get together the 4 of us" why!?! You are my personal friend, its nice to have friends just for yourself and there's no reason why you have to drag your OH into it. Its sometimes good to keep things separate.

I think people are right, see your friend alone (you can do girls holidays as well as just lunch/shopping). I have a few friends where, for whatever reason, we just don't gel as couple friends, we dont need to discuss it we just know, the husbands dont get on or we dont gel. So we hang out the two of us, go on holidays the two of us, have dinner out the two of us. It works better and maybe she needs space to talk about him too as it sounds hard work living with him. I think you also have a duty to check in with her, and see how she's coping with him/if he's struggling and find a way to socialise without involving the husbands (is there something just you two would enjoy, a spa, or a film, or a trip that's clearly just somewhere you'd both want to go). Once you've changed the pattern it'll be easier to just stick to the new way of hanging out.

I’d be honest with your friend and say it’s pretty obvious her husband doesn’t enjoy your group activities and ask whether he would prefer not to come. No reason she can’t come without him or do something separate with you

My DH come across as an AH in front of my friends as he feels the need to try to fit in and it just across really badly. If he'd just be himself it would be better.

Just be friends with your friend and offer to meet up without her DH. She/he might be grateful.

This. I'd be concerned about your friend first and foremost, OP. If he puts her down in public then I wonder what he's like in private and if she is OK.

Constantly belittling his wife in front of others is the mark of a twat, it doesn't go hand in hand with ND. DD2 is ND, 15 years old and behaves better than the DH. Too many men are just allowed to get away with appalling behaviour.

I’d be mostly concerned for my friend. It must be awful for her, especially in a group where all the rest of you have (presumably) nice, sociable husbands.

I agree the obvious solution is to see her one on one and try to (gently) talk to her about it. But if you can’t make that happen, I think you just have to still see her with him occasionally. Just ignore him.