Friends husband a miserable git

[Lovegoingout]

We recently went on holiday with friends we have known for 30 years. 5 men and 5 women. 9 of us had a great time. My friends husband was miserable the whole time, never took his long trousers and long sleeved shirt off. It was 30C, kept himself separate from everyone else and never engaged.

Had a long face at every meal out. Lost his temper with a waiter about nothing.

I am done with him as in 30 years he has never asked us about us, our children or anything we have done. We have talked to him, asked him about his hobbies but he makes it plain with one word answers that he is not interested. When we go out as a foursome, he puts my friend down in front of us.

We have put up with it for 30 years but no longer. How do I extract from going out as a 4 some without upsetting my friend, who is lovely.?

i will still go out with the larger group of 10 but won’t sit next to him.

i love my friend and feel sorry for her being downtrodden by him. All the other 8 in the group feel the same but are frightened to upset and break up the group and won’t say anything to him so we continue going out with 1 miserable git spoiling the evening.

he is also very arrogant and knows it all

Why doesn’t his wife advise him to stay home as he doesn’t enjoy these group uoutings. Does she not want to come on her own so she is the problem, or does he not let her go on her own , so he is the problem?

@blablausername That may well be the case and so it’s far better that the OP says to her friend that X really doesn’t need to participate in their group activities. Her friend can holiday solo with them next time if she wishes and they meet up solo as well.

Please don't make assumptions based on clothing (other things if you want!). I am 44 and my mother still goes on about how I ruined a family holiday decades ago by not stripping off at the pool.

I was an incredibly self-conscious teen who also didn't see the point of a suntan. I didn't mind reading by the pool but I was happy to stay clothed doing so. The assumption that I was doing it to be difficult really winds me up now 30 years later! (Went to see her three weeks ago and she brought it up then...)

I’d be very concerned for your friend- he sounds abusive. Putting her down constantly and having a temper, harassing waiters etc

Id be having a quiet word and checking she’s ok. I wonder if her insistence to meet up as a group is due to him not letting her go alone or her feeling safer in a group.

Maybe ask her if SHE likes him? If SHE is happy - because he bloody isn’t. Attention-seeking twat.

My friend's DH is like this. She's planning to leave him when finances allow.

There's a few of these aren't there!

This plus if he has been like this for ages he won change now

Your friend must like him, op, half of what you written is irrelevant I am sure everyone knows you don't like him

See her alone. You really dont have to put up with his behaviour.

My friend's husband behaves exactly like this- he's an absolute arse, has become really controlling and miserly over time, short fuse, critical of her etc and she is so unhappy, her self esteem is on the floor. She wants to leave him and will probably do so as soon as she can afford it. I feel for your friend, sounds like he has got worse and worse over time.

This seems to be a particularly masculine trait. Only ever come across men behaving like this to the wife’s friends never the other way round. Then if she goes first he will complain he is “lonely”.

An old friends Dh was like this to us. He’d never met us so it must have been him getting at her by being so rude when we stayed. They are currently going through a bitter contested divorce.

Agreed. If I was made to use my annual leave in some clique army of 10 arranged through my spouse.. I’m pretty sure I’d be the grumpy one wishing I were elsewhere 😂

I would be more concerned about her welfare than him. If he behaves like this openly what is happening behind closed doors?
Meet up with her alone, if she can ?, and have an upfront conversation.. tell her you are worried about her after his behaviour on holiday. Tell her you are there for her any time she needs to talk/leave. Does he need medical help? Is he controlling? She may well be defensive and deny any problems, or the dam might burst and she really needs to get away.
But have that conversation.

This seems to be a particularly masculine trait. Only ever come across men behaving like this to the wife’s friends never the other way round. Then if she goes first he will complain he is “lonely”.

I've noticed this too.

Be honest, but polite, say you've noticed he doesn't seem to enjoy the holidays/meals out so you don't want him to feel he has to come

Went on a long weekend with MIL and her second Husband. He humiliated her all the time, cutting up her food, talking to her like she was a simpleton. When home, he was challenged on his behaviour but she didn't seem bothered and said it was just his way. No more joint holidays for us.

Drives me mad. He adds nothing to her life. Suffering unfettered boredom for a house x

I'd be talking to him. After all you have known him for 30 years and are supposed to be friends.

Ask him outright ' you seemed really miserable and were sullen on that last holiday. Like you hated every minute of being with us all. What's all that about? It was supposed to be a celebration but you didn't join in and your sour mood took the edge off for the rest of us. We've been friends for 30 years and I'd appreciate an understanding of what's wrong.'

Then see what he says. He will likely deny but I think it's important to communicate with him, let him know how it adversely affects you and try to find out why. At the very least it may cause a blow up that means he no longer comes, which wounds like it might be a good result. Yes there is a risk that he's just a bastard and this will give him the reaction he wants but you are no worse off.

Maybe his wife can come without him in future if he really hates it?

How unbelievably passive. I cannot imagine myself or my quiet husband tolerating that for a minute. He would have asked that I see her on my own and count him out.
If the situation was reversed I certainly couldn't tolerate this.
To actually go on holiday and accept his rudeness is extraordinary.
She knows well what he is like, why are you all living a lie around him, terrified to put a name to his ignorance and rudeness.
Unbelievable.
I would just tell her the holiday was awful and won't be repeated.
That you will meet her for lunch.
If your other wet friends want to continue the charade that's on them.
If it's to your house, simply don't ask him.

Hard to believe you have all tolerated this for 30 years. It's not particularly English, but it is so wet.

She needs cutting lose. She doesn't sound like a friend, just someone very much suiting herself.

I have a relative like this who I'm sure has Asperger's. The reason he hates holidays is because it's a change in routine and social communication issues mean that he has trouble making small talk. He has got more cantankerous as he's got older and can be an absolute mood Hoover. Autistic spectrum conditions can overlap with other conditions such as oppositional defiance disorder which is an anxiety- driven need to be in control, which can translate in some cases into the kind of sulking that you're describing, though more often shows as a hair trigger temper and an inability to self regulate.
It's difficult because it is a neurodivergent condition however can make people very hard to live with and to feel as if they are treading on eggshells.

My sisters friend was really bloody rude to a waiter at her hen night meal. It was shocking and embarrassing. Nobody challenged her but I did. They've all be institutionalised not to challenge her but in reality she is a rude arrogant bossy bitch. I called her out in front of everyone, she lost her shit altogether. People will behave as they behave don't hang out with him, keep friends with her if you can but you don't have to put up with his tripe face.

There's also the possibility that she may not get to go if he doesn't come along. It might be a situation of control. I would be loathe to cut off a friend in that situation. We don't really know what's going on behind closed doors.

100 per cent.

If she's a lifelong friend I see no reason why you can't be honest with her

Honesty isn't being unkind

You can bring it to her attention without directly criticising him. When she asks about a joint holiday I'd reply ' just you this time? DH doesn't enjoy joint holidays does he?'.