Friends husband a miserable git

[Lovegoingout]

We recently went on holiday with friends we have known for 30 years. 5 men and 5 women. 9 of us had a great time. My friends husband was miserable the whole time, never took his long trousers and long sleeved shirt off. It was 30C, kept himself separate from everyone else and never engaged.

Had a long face at every meal out. Lost his temper with a waiter about nothing.

I am done with him as in 30 years he has never asked us about us, our children or anything we have done. We have talked to him, asked him about his hobbies but he makes it plain with one word answers that he is not interested. When we go out as a foursome, he puts my friend down in front of us.

We have put up with it for 30 years but no longer. How do I extract from going out as a 4 some without upsetting my friend, who is lovely.?

i will still go out with the larger group of 10 but won’t sit next to him.

i love my friend and feel sorry for her being downtrodden by him. All the other 8 in the group feel the same but are frightened to upset and break up the group and won’t say anything to him so we continue going out with 1 miserable git spoiling the evening.

he is also very arrogant and knows it all

This is a good idea- her reaction to this will tell you everything. She may even express that she's unhappy with him. You can say it in a concerned way as in "Is X alright?- we all noticed he seemed quite unhappy on holiday and I was wondering if everything is ok?" It might be a relief valve for her

Didn’t any of you ask him “Wtf is wrong with you, man? You’re going out of your way to make everyone fucking miserable including your wife? Why did you even come? Why do you even come out with us ever?”

Seriously! bloody hell, why is everyone tiptoeing around this dickhead? Noone likes him, he's making everything crap for everyone else. Why hasn't anyone said something- if it's because they are scared of him, why are you holidaying with someone you are afraid to talk to?

Well, look what you've landed yourself in by pussyfooting around her? Jesus, Brits are ridiculously indirect. You're supposedly her friend, and yet no one out of all of you has ever addressed with this 'lovely' woman that her husband appears to suffer from MH issues?

Or are you doing that Mn thing where you say 'friend' when what you mean is 'someone I hang around with but don't know terribly well'?

My friend is a life long friend. Her husband has always been difficult but he has just gotten worse over the years. more cantankerous, money pinching and generally miserable. When he spoke on holiday it was to moan about something. We rented a villa which was not cheap either.

We asked on holiday, what was wrong with him and she just shrugged her shoulders. No one wanted to call him out on it on holiday as he has a temper as well.

The only time he was happy was when we said goodbye on arrival at the airport when we landed back.

I know it wasn't the main issue, but the fact that he sat around the pool in long trousers, shirt etc might have been a confidence thing. DP never, ever wore shorts and t-shirts on holiday because he was self conscious about being very skinny (was teased mercilessly as a child and, at 58, is still skinny, apart from a small amount of fat in his stomach area.) I used to try and reassure him but I couldn't shift his mindset. He felt comfortable In those clothes and that was that. And I would rather he was comfortable than self conscious. He also wore socks and lightweight shoes, like canvas - never flip flops or sandals. He didn't wear fur lined slippers though😬

No one wanted to call him out on it on holiday as he has a temper as well

No way would I be spending time with someone either on holiday or at a restaurant like this. If the wife wont talk about it or even acknowledge it then she cant really get annoyed that you refuse to hang out with him can she? She cant have it both ways.

As others have said, I’d just start inviting your friend to go out and if she suggests all four of you meeting up, be honest and say that you know that X doesn’t enjoy your company so it’s best if it’s just the two of you.

She’s a lifelong friend, I think you can be honest with her. Her DH sounds pretty pathetic, tbh, making it clear that he wasn’t enjoying the holiday the way that he did. It was a milestone celebration with his wife’s lifelong friends, and a mature person would have made the best of it for her sake. He sounds very selfish.

We asked on holiday, what was wrong with him and she just shrugged her shoulders

What I find weird is- she knows he doesnt like hanging out with you all, knows you have asked why and find his behaviour odd but wont discuss it and yet she keeps on insisting you all meet up together as a group-why?

be honest and say that you know that X doesn’t enjoy your company so it’s best if it’s just the two of you

This is exactly what I'd say- its clear he doesnt enjoy it so lets just meet the two of us.

How do I extract from going out as a 4 some without upsetting my friend, who is lovely.?

I don’t think you can. No one ever wants to hear “I don’t like your partner”, even if it’s only hinted at rather than being said out loud.

I agree with the posters suggesting you try to spend more time with her one on one. If she pushes to go out as a foursome, it might be time to do as others have suggested and say “Well to be honest, it seems like John doesn’t really enjoy it” or similar. Yes, your friend will be upset, but there’s no magic wand here.

Meet your friend alone from now on.
If she insists on a group be honest like PP have said and mention the fact he never seems to enjoy group meet ups so far better for you guys to meet alone.

That is not rude at all, and if she’s as lovely as you say, she’ll understand. Thing is, this isn’t about you disliking him out of the blue, it’s the fact HE is acting like he hates group outings so you are just being respectful to his feelings as well as your own. Genuinely think it would be hard to take offence to that - she can hardly argue and say no he loves it can she? 😂

Can't you just all ignore him for the sake of your friend

I have a couple of lovely women friends who I see regularly for walks, coffee, lunches and days out. I occasionally have to tolerate their rather pompous /boring OHs, such as at a wedding we all have been invited to. It just emphasises to me how important our single sex outings are!
See your nice friend on her own!

I'm going to say it.
Husband sounds like he has a ND and is being pressured, for whatever reason, either from wife or from himself to do things that he actually doesn't want to do at all and probably absolutely hates it.
As soon as you said that he wears long trousers it's the first thing I thought.

Maybe make sure you let friend know that she will always be included even if she wants to participate in get together/ holidays, without her husband. Say that you understand that not everyone is into the same sort of things.

You don't know how the husband is when not in this type of situation. Don't jump to the conclusion that he is awful to your friend just because he is awful company.

Aah the arsehole husband problem. Friend’s husband is a moron. I know he is. She knows he is. Doesn’t stop her foisting him on all her friends and their partners. Digging those old heels in. Can’t break up. Doesn’t want to have to split the house. I avoid as much as possible. I owe him nothing.

He sounds like a twat but I'm not sure why he's turning up to these things if he doesn't want to be there. I would have to ask him/tell him.

The way he acts doesn't seem fair on your friend and I'm sure she gets more shite from him at home. I'd be asking to meet just her from now on.

Just start arranging more holidays with just the women. The holidays of 10.of you, can't they just be shorter breaks? I assume you all have your own holidays with your DH/DPs?

I had a similar situation but with a very good friend's wife. She had to be tethered to him 24/7. No one in our friend group could understand it. She was the cause of the breakup of his first marriage and all I could assume was he stayed with her out of guilt. He even lost work (Chef) because she was a complete limpet and couldn't understand why anyone would have an issue with her sitting in the kitchen - getting pissed and smoking. She wouldn't let him have a conversation with anybody. Unfortunately, I gave up trying to maintain a relationship.

I think just do stuff with her, not as a couple. It will mean the relationship changes but I wouldn't spend any precious free time with him.

I am having this with a friend whose DH is a drunk. He's fine Mon-Fri but when we go out for dinner or go to theirs for dinner, he will drink and drink and drink and he drags out the night for ages. He embarrasses himself and us. I refuse to see him now. When he's sober, he's absolutely lovely. She sees no problem with his drinking so there's no solution really but to see her occasionally, on her own.

If the relationship is abusive, doing this could give him the ammunition he needs to isolate her from her friendship group. He will tell her that she's being disloyal to him by spending time with people who have been rude to him. Logic doesn't help much in these situations.

If she can spend time with you without him that's a great solution but he may find very effective ways to prevent that, including saying he supports it and then always having some sort of meltdown or fabricated last minute disaster that means she has to miss seeing you.

This.

Just keep making excuses until she pushes back. Then something like 'I'm sorry but your Dh was really unpleasant on holiday and Dh and I decided we don't want to spend time with him anymore. I realise this is awful to hear, we still love you as much as ever but want to just spend time with you.'

She'll either accept it or be conditioned that the attack means you must be cut off from both of them. It's really hard to navigate.

I would try and see your friend on her own if she’s trying to arrange a meet up with 4 of you just say something like ‘I don’t think Derek really likes coming out with us, he hated the holiday we went on. Let’s just go out and have a girls night/lunch instead’

She knows he’s a nob. See her without him and if he has to be included on the holidays at least he’s diluted by other people

I cant stand my best friend's husband. Not without good reason- he has betrayed her several times (not cheating but something just as bad) and she stays with him. I think she could do way better but I have no choice but to respect her choice to stay with him. I cant stand being around him and though I've not said a word to her about my dislike of him, she knows me well enough to know I find it awkward considering his past behaviour.

So, we just meet the two of us. My DH doesnt like him either- her DH behaves like a petulant child when we are all out together so I just steer her towards meeting up alone. I would say there are some occasions when we have to suck it up and put up with him but it's rare- probably once every three years or so, so thats bearable. I certainly wouldnt ever be going on holiday with them both.

It's not an issue at all- I just arrange times to meet with her when I know he's at work or make a point of saying let's just have a girly chat and she doesnt push it. Problem solved.

I totally agree with this.
There are an awful lot of posters really willing to slag off a person they have never met and whose mental health or personality disorder they know nothing about. They know nothing about how his relationship with his wife is. They are jumping to conclusions.
If the OP finds his company obnoxious she is entitled to feel like that. She doesn't HAVE to be in his company. There are ways of maintaining the friendship with his DW without involving meeting up with him on social occasions.
I find some of the judgemental comments really disconcerting.