Friend not responding to messages, drives me nuts.

[DeclansAFeckingDream]

There is a group of 7 of us who have been friends for years, all in our early 40s now. We meet fairly often, as a group and separately and I love all of them. One of them is the loveliest woman but her lack of responding to messages is driving the rest of us mad. Someone will suggest a meal out/show etc and people will respond yay or nay, but she will either not open the message for a few days or read it and not respond. She is always on her phone.

We used to wait to confirm things when she hadn't responded but lost tickets, reservations etc and couldn't organise transport etc., until we knew if she was coming. The latest was last Tuesday when a friend asked if anyone wanted to go to a popular show and said 'I'm booking at the weekend, so if you're in, let me know by then'. A couple of us are going, friend didn't respond and is now pissed off that she was only '@' once and now can't get tickets. I'm so sick of having to chase after her when she's been invited to something. I think it's rude not to respond but not sure if IABU.

I'm aware this is long and so childish, so feel free to ignore, I'm just having a bit of a vent.

When I say she was tagged once, I mean once after the original message. She read it and didn't respond.

YANBU. Just explain to her that you're no longer missing out on things because she doesn't respond in time. It truly is that simple.

Keep setting time limits to book, if she keeps missing out she’ll learn. And don’t apologise.

If she wants to go, she will learn to tell you.

You're not her secretary, or her mum.

Bloody annoying. I have a friend like this but it’s not in a group, it’s one on one. Arranging anything is such a pain. She asks what dates I can do, I tell her, she doesn’t respond for a week, then those dates I initially said have been booked up.

I hope someone told her she has a damn cheek. Imagine not bothering to respond and then getting upset. Great that everyone went ahead without begging her.

Tell her to get her head out of her ass if she wants to go to these things it's up to her to make the effort.

People like this do my head in

friend didn't respond and is now pissed off that she was only '@' once and now can't get tickets.

I’d say something like “….and we are pissed off that you didn’t respond and we had to chase you and wait to buy our tickets.” In future, we’ll assume you’re a “no” unless you reply and tell us otherwise.

She’s one of those people who likes to hedge her bets and see if something better comes up, I reckon…..

She’s dealing with the natural consequences of not replying.

It’s fine for her to not read messages as soon as they come through, but she can’t then complain she’s missing out on things…

Just carry on as normal. Her actions are on her.

People have phones but never ring to confirm on the last day or maybe she needs to check in occasioanlly.

That’s her tough luck then isn’t it. She’ll have to learn the hard way that if she doesn’t respond, she misses out.

Don’t feel bad, she will learn to read messages and reply. It’s bad manners, especially if she’s always on her phone

Hopefully this will be a short sharp lesson for her that people won't wait around until she decides to grace them with an answer.

I do feel bad though (because I'm a mug). There's always a 'reason'. It's usually. Previously she said she hadn't responded because she was feeling overwhelmed at some bad news. So we were obviously sympathetic, offered support etc. Transpired that the bad news was that her neighbour (who she wasn't particularly friendly with) was moving out. I'm starting to feel like she's a bit manipulative.

That's her problem, not yours.

If she has actually complained directly to you and said it's unfair, then respond and say she had the same opportunities as everyone else, and actually what was unfair was when everyone else missed out waiting for her.

If she has just generally moaned on the chat, then reply with a smiley face, say it's a shame she didn't reply in time. Don't engage.

She has got used to everyone revolving around her.

It is manipulative.

Treat her like a toddler and tell her to use her words to describe what’s happening. You aren’t mind readers. If she wants to participate she needs to communicate.

Grow a back bone!

Everyone is invited, so she had chance - this wasn’t important to her, maybe she was waiting for a better offer.

I would message - I’m buying tickets for X on Tuesday - let me know if your interested in coming:

No backlash then.

No, just no

She's an adult.

Start booking without her, she will learn

"Susan its not our job to chase you for an answer before we make plans, you've had the same amount of time as everyone else. If you don't respond by the time we need to book I'm afraid that's on you"

That neighbour thing is just an excuse. She’s an adult, it’s up to her to respond - she saw the message! I’ve known a few people like this, one would be waiting to see if she got a better offer and another would complain she never did anything but she was the one not responding (soo annoying!). Friendships take effort from both sides so she needs to make the effort to respond without being chased. Can you set a clear expectation for her? E.g Friend, I know you’re busy but we will assume it’s a no unless you respond promptly. We want you to come but we can’t chase you every single time so you need to reply when you see the message

I wouldn't get worked up about it. Just be guest in the chat about deadline dates. Drinks etc don't matter so presume it's just for food / shows

If it's time sensitive "let me know today if you can and I'll book tickets/seats/restaurent for all who say yes"

Clear

This. She got natural consequences for her actions.