Friend not responding to messages, drives me nuts.

[DeclansAFeckingDream]

There is a group of 7 of us who have been friends for years, all in our early 40s now. We meet fairly often, as a group and separately and I love all of them. One of them is the loveliest woman but her lack of responding to messages is driving the rest of us mad. Someone will suggest a meal out/show etc and people will respond yay or nay, but she will either not open the message for a few days or read it and not respond. She is always on her phone.

We used to wait to confirm things when she hadn't responded but lost tickets, reservations etc and couldn't organise transport etc., until we knew if she was coming. The latest was last Tuesday when a friend asked if anyone wanted to go to a popular show and said 'I'm booking at the weekend, so if you're in, let me know by then'. A couple of us are going, friend didn't respond and is now pissed off that she was only '@' once and now can't get tickets. I'm so sick of having to chase after her when she's been invited to something. I think it's rude not to respond but not sure if IABU.

I'm aware this is long and so childish, so feel free to ignore, I'm just having a bit of a vent.

This is attention seeking bs. Once she realises that you are not waiting on her reply she will start to get the message and get her answer in quickly. Do the exact same thing next time and see how it goes. Just give a deadline every time and if she hasn't replied just go ahead and book/ organise. Hopefully she will get the message that it is not all about her.

Similar situation here: 5 of us meet regularly for coffee after one has sent out routine "coffee anyone?" WhatsApp. One person tends not to respond. On an unusual week, none of us could manage it and all said so. Except her. She wondered into coffee place and sent out plaintive "Where IS everyone? I'm all on my own here..." message. She's been much more communicative since!

Oh she would never answer her phone, she never does. Her default if anyone rings her is to reject the call.

What we do on one of my friendship WhatsApp groups is one of us send a message saying 'I'm booking the tickets or restaurant tonight. Noreplier, I won't include you unless I hear otherwise because you haven't confirmed either way'. Easy.

I know what you mean but it's been going on so long now, we're all just getting fed up with it. It would be fine if she didn't get upset when she misses out but she's acted like she wasn't invited this time and that's just not the case.

Why are you feeling bad?

She's getting the same information as everyone else but not responding, what else are you supposed to do, book and pay for her and hope you don't end up out of pocket.

She allowed to feel upset, it's still not your fault. Don't react to the upset/pissed off behaviour. If she says she's upset just state she received the same message as everyone else and then change the subject. She's an adult and therefore responsible for managing her own diary, you do not need to do anything else to make her feel included.

The latest was last Tuesday when a friend asked if anyone wanted to go to a popular show and said 'I'm booking at the weekend, so if you're in, let me know by then'. A couple of us are going, friend didn't respond and is now pissed off that she was only '@' once and now can't get tickets.

Point out that, had you waited around for her to respond, none of you would have tickets. Your friend who was booking gave people a few days to decide and set a clear deadline for when she needed an answer. How much chasing should you all have to do?

I think I feel bad because she always seems to make me feel sorry for her. It's been a hard week/such a shame she's not getting to go/it would have done her good etc.

And by the way OP, she really isn't 'the loveliest person' if she consistently behaves like this. So stop letting that fallacy affect how you all treat her.

Living life on WhatsApp isn’t for everyone. Going out a lot and planning ahead likewise. If she really is disappointed she will engage more quickly but she might just not like all the messaging

Just remove her from the group. No point her being on it she dosent use it.

You don’t have to “live life on WhatsApp” to answer a simple message - and you certainly can’t get annoyed if you lose out when you don’t answer that message.

Just screenshot the original question and any chases back to her, then leave her to sulk.

Call me petty, but if she's complaining about this via Whatsapp (or text, or any kind of social media) then I would be tempted to just... not reply...

She sounds like a total pain in the backside. As many others have said - tickets are being booked at time X. If you don't reply before then unfortunately crystal ball isn't available to ascertain whether you fancied it or not.

"would have done me good after a hard week". Jesus Christ. Grow up.

I think I feel bad because she always seems to make me feel sorry for her. It's been a hard week/such a shame she's not getting to go/it would have done her good etc

Shes not the loveliest person. She's a manipulative gas lighter

Don't feel bad and don't believe her nasty little bullshits

The timeline for responding it too vague.
Start saying "If you want to be included when I try to get tickets online for X or Y, you need to reply by 9pm tonight. If I don't hear back from you by then, I'll assume that you have other plans"
The friends who are also getting pissed off by her inaction on responding will understand and you can always say "Oh, yes I got side tracked so I'm only putting the order through now" if they contact you after 9pm and they still want to go. By giving her the 9pm cut off, you're basically focusing her to get back to you sooner rather than "at the weekend".

It's probably about 4/5 messages a month. She's always on her phone and probably loves on what'sapp more than any of the rest of us.

Ok, look, the problem isn’t your friend its that you are easily manipulated and easily—too easily—take some kind of ofd responsibility for her moods.

She doesn’t take responsibility for herself—if she is “having a tough week” and “it would be nice” to go out with friends it would be extremely easy for her to offer to get tix, make arrangements, call friends, adopt a cat, eat a pint of ice cream.

For some reason you and the more functional members of the group pity her, infantilize her, and resent her all at the same time. Thats not unusual. Its obvious that she presents herself as needy and unavailable. If you don’t chase her snd force her to accept hospitality she whines and moans, if you don’t include her she whines snd moans. But its also part of the group dynamic to accept her behavior, to work around it, and to bitch and moan behind her back.

If you want to salvage the relationship instead of watching it blow up zi suggest you functional types agree on a strategy snd stick to it.

I think you chose to fall for a sob story every time. Stop being so easily manipulated.

I think you'll find the moment you stop giving her sob stories/ excuses attention she will start responding more promptly.

If she's had a hard week and really believes a social event would have done her good then she would have responded to the invitation.

Stop feeding the drama if you want it to stop.

You are completely wrong here.

She is not "a bit manipulative" She is TOTALLY manipulative, and more fool you and the other ladies for continually falling for it

Yeah

This is an argument in favour of natural consequences. Just take no notice when she complains about natural consequences because well that's just how it is when the work dries lot revolve around you.

And it doesn't.

Can you maybe ask her if she wants to be in the group or invited to events? To be honest I am in a group with a mum friend who has since invited about 20 new mums to the group - who I have never met let alone know their kids - and I mute their chat every week. I tried to leave, twice, and she added me back in!

She may find it too much and not want to look rude by leaving herself. I was having anxiety from a health issue and getting 40+ messages a day was not in the least helpful, for example.

I used to have a friend just like that. I danced to her tune for far too long - there was always a special circumstance why she missed the deadline everybody else managed.

The amount of guilt tripping and sob stories ruined making arrangements in the end.

The thing is, this is actually quite weird. Can you imagine seeing that a friend was ringing you and rejecting the call? ( Assuming that you aren’t about to go in to the dentist or similar.)