Friend not responding to messages, drives me nuts.

[DeclansAFeckingDream]

There is a group of 7 of us who have been friends for years, all in our early 40s now. We meet fairly often, as a group and separately and I love all of them. One of them is the loveliest woman but her lack of responding to messages is driving the rest of us mad. Someone will suggest a meal out/show etc and people will respond yay or nay, but she will either not open the message for a few days or read it and not respond. She is always on her phone.

We used to wait to confirm things when she hadn't responded but lost tickets, reservations etc and couldn't organise transport etc., until we knew if she was coming. The latest was last Tuesday when a friend asked if anyone wanted to go to a popular show and said 'I'm booking at the weekend, so if you're in, let me know by then'. A couple of us are going, friend didn't respond and is now pissed off that she was only '@' once and now can't get tickets. I'm so sick of having to chase after her when she's been invited to something. I think it's rude not to respond but not sure if IABU.

I'm aware this is long and so childish, so feel free to ignore, I'm just having a bit of a vent.

Post the plan, the time you will book it, and go ahead with whoever has confirmed.

I'd maybe post a reminder a day before booking, but only @ her if she hadn't seen the initial message.

She's been flakey because she's been allowed to be. If that stops, and she wants to come, she'll sort her shit out

I'd answer this one with a fairly banal "it's a shame but hopefully we'll all be able to do something together next time" sort of message.

Next time anyone arranges anything, I'd add the following to the end of their message "I will book this by <date>, so you need to please give me a reply by then. @ Cheeky Friend, that goes for you too - you have been warned! 😛"

She'll be pissed off but you'll have made the point.

Not your problem Op, carry on as you are and don't make it an extra job communicating with her all the details. She sounds a bit nuts, like one of those people who won't commit to a plan unless they're virtually begged to come along for their own importance.

She has the same chance to respond as anyone else so carry on setting the deadlines so you don’t miss out yourself.

Well she's an absolute twat isn't she!

Upset and overwhelmed by the news that a neighbour is moving!!!!

Has she ever visited the Sistene Chapel?

It's been refreshing to read the responses as sometimes on MN the responses to people not responding to texts is a load of people defending it. But you're correct it's rude.

It sounds like you've got the measure of her @DeclansAFeckingDream , I think the only thing you can do is exactly what the group have started doing - not waiting for her and going ahead at the time that you said you would. She needs to take the consequences, not you and everyone else. Hopefully this will be enough to jolt her into taking responsibility.

At most, going forward I would tag her a reminder next time but no pandering and waiting around.

Nah, don’t feel bad, it’s on her not you. And I speak as someone who never replies to messages. I have lost some relationships this way and it’s fine- it’s my issue not theirs. It’s a bad personality trait and I accept the consequences of not fixing it. Lost relationships and missing things. My responsibility.

This.

She sounds like an annoying twat to be honest. What does she actually bring to the table as friend?
She doesn't respond, doesn't even apologise for late responses when you've missed out on things, probably holding back from responding incase she gets a better offer but from who if there's 7 of you in this group already? Then has the audacity to bitch at you when you book stuff without her!!!
She doesn't value you, your friends, your time etc.

It's OK to let "friends" go and move on!

Group of 5 of us that meet up and do stuff. I’m normally the organiser. One is absolutely useless re plans and another can be flakey. Honestly, if it’s something that requires a reservation and I don’t get an enthusiastic response, I just presume they aren’t coming. If they want to join in, and have missed me sorting out the booking, then they have to change it themselves/ get their own tickets etc. No-one has fallen out over it yet.

I don’t know why you feel bad . If you waited till she replied you wouldn’t be going .

I wouldn’t waste my energy replying to her upset . Let her sit with it .

natural consequences … do keep date you are booking by on plans . She will learn

As a matter of practice try to find it funny. Just keep letting her experience the natural consequences of missing out but take it very lightly. After all its no big deal. If it had mattered to her she would have made the effort.

So before you text or talk to her instead of getting angry or ranty just look at the funny side. This will enable you to keep your texts or interactions happy, non judgmental, and cool.

Don’t give her any room but to laugh at herself and accept her own responsibility.

Jyst breezily say things like “Oh, Sue! We are so used to you not bothering we didn’t notice you hadn’t responded!” “oh did you want to come? We thought you were busy!” “Oh, well, better luck next time!” Etc..etc..etc..

It's a good thing that she's annoyed that she missed out because it was too late for tickets and she didn't bother to get her arse in gear when she had the chance. Keep going like that and she'll have to buck up her ideas or risk missing out on other occasions. Her being pissed off doesn't trump everyone else being pissed off.

I can't abide flakes - can you tell?

I am like your friend (except I'm not on my phone much and am not the loveliest woman.) I often don't respond to messages and never quickly, BUT I don't get shitty if I miss out on stuff, because it's my fault.

We used to wait to confirm things when she hadn't responded but lost tickets, reservations etc and couldn't organise transport etc., until we knew if she was coming.

That is madness. Carry on doing what you're doing with the recent tickets. and organise stuff only around who have responded, whether it's booking tickets or arranging to meet more casually. If she can't make it that's on her, not you. I wouldn't even chase her, at least not specifically. She's an adult and can sort herself out.

You are not being childish btw. It's a very valid thing to be pissed off about.

I don’t understand why you feel guilty.

She sounds very irritating and you should continue to give reasonable deadlines to respond by.

I think we just have to accept this is the way she is and she has to accept that she'll miss out on things if she doesn't respond.

We've learned to give a time limit already but it just doesn't seem to make a difference. 🤷 It's infuriating.

Setting a deadline for a response was exactly the right thing to do!

Friend is pissed because she's used to being chased and it being all about her. This time no-one chased her, and she's butt-hurt.

It hurt her feelings. So actual what? She'll do better next time.

All that being said though, why didn't someone just phone her up and have a conversation with her all this time? Especially if she's always on her phone anyway. And you were missing out on stuff because of her.
"Hi Julie, we noticed you haven't responded about coming to that show with us. Amy needs to book the tickets tomorrow. Did you want a ticket or not?"

But honestly, I think you're past that stage. She missed out. Oh well.

Just say. Ill book at 8pm. Tonight. So can everyone respond before then. If she responds later tell her to add herself to the booking

I am that friend. If I miss out it's my problem, not yours. Ignore her if she moans about it.

'Please respond by xxx. Anyone not responding by this date will be assumed to be not attending.'
Bottom of every message. If she misses out, it's her own fault.

I have a friend like this too and I agree it’s infuriating. I also find it rude as the implication is that she is always either waiting for a better offer or just can’t be bothered and in either situation it’s kind of insulting.

I am not excusing this but I think some people find it very hard having to keep to someone else’s schedule. I asked her about it once and she said she found it very triggering being “told what to do” because it reminded her of her overbearing mum.

The psychology of organisation is really interesting. Some people are natural “planners” and can’t function spontaneously while others prefer to wing things. Many people find it hard to keep to a timetable they feel is being imposed upon them. I have this to a much lower degree sometimes: I have one friend who is at the opposite end of the spectrum and will confirm social appointments multiple times and overthink things and I find it stifling and stressful. I am not a naturally organised person and I feel like it’s not my job to deal with someone else’s planning neurosis.

But there does come a point where refusing to respond to reasonable communication like this tips over into selfishness and as an adult you have to grow up and accept that some planning needs to take place.

I can't understand your annoyance or your guilt.
"Get back to my by X if you can do Y, as I will be booking it for those that can make" .
That would be it for most people.
I wouldn't offer an excuse nor an apology.
She couldn't/didn't confirm so that's it.
So silly loosing out on stuff because of one flaky person.

Theres only 2 scenarios here:-
A) Everyone misses out
B) People who confirm get to go out and have fun!
I prefer B, why should everyone else miss out because one person is too lazy to respond.

I had a friend like this - she was a nightmare to confirm anything - it was partly because her DH had a Big Job so she was rarely 100% sure whether she'd be able to make it or not and also she was very much a last minute merchant for any arrangements anyway and liked doing stuff on the spur on the moment.

And as a result the group started doing fewer and fewer things together as nothing ever got organised and if last-minute-friend was around, then usually someone else wasn't as they'd made other plans by then.

I wish we'd just started doing stuff without her while she never got back to anyone.