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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend not responding to messages, drives me nuts.

84 replies

DeclansAFeckingDream · 23/06/2024 09:54

There is a group of 7 of us who have been friends for years, all in our early 40s now. We meet fairly often, as a group and separately and I love all of them. One of them is the loveliest woman but her lack of responding to messages is driving the rest of us mad. Someone will suggest a meal out/show etc and people will respond yay or nay, but she will either not open the message for a few days or read it and not respond. She is always on her phone.

We used to wait to confirm things when she hadn't responded but lost tickets, reservations etc and couldn't organise transport etc., until we knew if she was coming. The latest was last Tuesday when a friend asked if anyone wanted to go to a popular show and said 'I'm booking at the weekend, so if you're in, let me know by then'. A couple of us are going, friend didn't respond and is now pissed off that she was only '@' once and now can't get tickets. I'm so sick of having to chase after her when she's been invited to something. I think it's rude not to respond but not sure if IABU.

I'm aware this is long and so childish, so feel free to ignore, I'm just having a bit of a vent.

OP posts:
User8746422 · 24/06/2024 10:22

She probably has undiagnosed ADHD or autism and is too overwhelmed with stuff like this. If she doesn't respond then just make the plans without her. She won't mind. People with executive function issues will often stick their head in the sand and ignore a situation and hope it goes away. So if the planned meetup came and went and everything is back to normal without her needing to reply to a message then that's fine for all.

CruCru · 24/06/2024 10:24

User8746422 · 24/06/2024 10:22

She probably has undiagnosed ADHD or autism and is too overwhelmed with stuff like this. If she doesn't respond then just make the plans without her. She won't mind. People with executive function issues will often stick their head in the sand and ignore a situation and hope it goes away. So if the planned meetup came and went and everything is back to normal without her needing to reply to a message then that's fine for all.

I think the problem is that she does mind. She’s upset that she was only reminded about this event once.

NeedToChangeName · 24/06/2024 10:32

You can empathise without apologising eg "yes it's a shame you missed it" rather than "Oh, I'm so sorry we went without you"

And suggest solutions without criticising eg "next time, if you make sure to reply, then we'll get tickets for you", rather than "Well if you'd bothered to reply, then we'd have bought you a ticket"

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 24/06/2024 10:47

I'm a terrible replier.

I am self-diagnosed ADHD(because I'm still waiting for an assessment) and I read messages then have a think about what my reply is. Then something else happens and I forget. All. The. Time.

I get pissed off that things happen without me, but at myself because I know it's my own fault.

Your friend needs to realise you can't wait endlessly for her reply. She might change, she might not, or can't, but it's her problem not yours.

pikkumyy77 · 24/06/2024 11:43

NeedToChangeName · 24/06/2024 10:32

You can empathise without apologising eg "yes it's a shame you missed it" rather than "Oh, I'm so sorry we went without you"

And suggest solutions without criticising eg "next time, if you make sure to reply, then we'll get tickets for you", rather than "Well if you'd bothered to reply, then we'd have bought you a ticket"

Yes this is very good.

Original poster
DeclansAFeckingDream · 26/06/2024 21:09

pikkumyy77 · 23/06/2024 20:26

Ok, look, the problem isn’t your friend its that you are easily manipulated and easily—too easily—take some kind of ofd responsibility for her moods.

She doesn’t take responsibility for herself—if she is “having a tough week” and “it would be nice” to go out with friends it would be extremely easy for her to offer to get tix, make arrangements, call friends, adopt a cat, eat a pint of ice cream.

For some reason you and the more functional members of the group pity her, infantilize her, and resent her all at the same time. Thats not unusual. Its obvious that she presents herself as needy and unavailable. If you don’t chase her snd force her to accept hospitality she whines and moans, if you don’t include her she whines snd moans. But its also part of the group dynamic to accept her behavior, to work around it, and to bitch and moan behind her back.

If you want to salvage the relationship instead of watching it blow up zi suggest you functional types agree on a strategy snd stick to it.

Thanks for your input, but this is wildly inaccurate on so many levels. 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
DeclansAFeckingDream · 26/06/2024 21:14

TaraTories · 23/06/2024 23:39

Can you maybe ask her if she wants to be in the group or invited to events? To be honest I am in a group with a mum friend who has since invited about 20 new mums to the group - who I have never met let alone know their kids - and I mute their chat every week. I tried to leave, twice, and she added me back in!

She may find it too much and not want to look rude by leaving herself. I was having anxiety from a health issue and getting 40+ messages a day was not in the least helpful, for example.

We've been friends for years (10+) and we're not just mum friends anymore if that makes sense - the youngest of all our children is 16 now - most are young adults. While some of us may message individually (her included), there are only usually 4/5 group messages a month, give or take.

I think the posters who have said I'm more or less a bit of a mug are probably bang on the money. I'm a chronic people pleaser who hates conflict and I'm allowing myself to be manipulated here. Thanks for the replies, I do appreciate all of them and it's really given me food for thought on how to deal with her in the future.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 26/06/2024 22:57

How is it inaccurate? Its basically the situation you described.

PardonMee · 26/06/2024 23:08

youre doing the right thing by giving deadlines to respond. Just ignore her self pity, don’t respond to it.

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