If you went NC with a parent did you ever regret it?

[Simpsonsfan]

I am struggling so much at the moment with whether to go NC with one of my parents. Currently we've had no contact for just over 2 months. They committed a harmful crime about 4 years ago which I've not been able to understand or really forgive them for but the way they've handled things since has also been poor. The last 4 years of my life have honestly been shit as a result of their actions while I've worked to get over the trauma they've caused me. The thing is until this all happened we were so close. And I do miss them. This is causing me torment every day. I don't really have anyone to talk to so I just wondered if anyone could share their experiences of going NC with a parent. Never thought I'd be in this position. I'm worried that when my parent dies, I'll have big regrets. Thank you x

I've been no contact with my biological father for around 10 years now. I'll be going to the funeral to make sure the fucker is dead. Zero regrets.

My mother, I'm low contact. For some reason I can't quite cut her out completely. I'm not sure I even like her TBH. Despite the childhood I endured, I know it would definitely grieve me if I went totally no contact with her. I can't even explain why.

I do wish I had a 'decent' mother. If I was in your situation, I maybe wouldn't be as harsh, depending on the crime of course. But you can't ignore how you feel either.

I'm no contact with my mum for 18 years. It helps that she's fallen out with everyone so none of the family speak to her.
I'm sometimes envious of other people's relationships with their mums but I remind myself I have lots of 'mums'

• I have an aunty who has become my daughter's grandma in everything but name, baking cakes and buying gifts for her
• I have a MIL I have a fairly close relationship with
• I have the mum of a friend who takes us out for meals and afternoon tea
• I have the older woman I work with who's a shoulder to cry on when I'm upset and makes sure I wear suncream

For the last 18 years I've had numerous women mother me in so many different ways and I feel I incredibly lucky. I get all the joy and kindness of a mother and no drama or guilt

@OrdinaryMatilda your post struck a cord with me. Feel free to tell me to butt out but I used to be so yeah yeah when people mentioned therapy but I have had some since losing my mum to dissect that and the following NC with my father and it has been so so helpful, just thought it might help you understand why you feel you can't quite let go x

And some people are not confused at all about what forgiveness means to them and for them.
I have no anger and i have not fortgotten. Nor have i forgiven.
I will never forget because remembering makes me a much better person.
Im in a very good place because i neither forgave nor forgot.

Same here. Forgiveness carries too much implication of pardoning the wrongdoer, for me. I don't carry bitterness or resentment of my father. Nor do I forgive him (especially since he wronged others far more than me). I just feel scorn when I bother to think about him, which is rarely, and usually on threads like these. Oh, and satisfaction for having eventually told him exactly what I thought of him.

I'm not full of hate or resentment. Nor do I feel the need to forgive.

There is no "right" way to do things, it's very individual. What works for someone may not work for someone else and patronising lectures about "forgiveness" are just annoying.

Yes, being told to forgive is just an older version of Be Kind.

*Doteycat

No regrets.
And you know what i found freeing?
NOT forgiving. I realised i didnt have to forgive. Cos i didnt want to. And i could still move on.
And i have. No regrets. I did what was right for me.*

This is it - it is about moving on. Forgiving/Forgetting/not/NC/LC - the choice you make and the words you use are all are less important that how much you let the rest of you life be defined by relationships in your past. Its right you get to tell your story, and feel however you need to feel. But I have talked to people who bring every conversation back to their parent/ex/sibling/whoever. And you can see the damage it is doing to them in front of your eyes. When someone has been traumatized once, it is sad to see them inadvertently continuing to do it to themselves.

Forgiving doesn't mean you forget what they did,
It just means you're able to move on.

Holding a grudge is kind of like taking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die.

I've forgiven my mum for her crappy parenting, she agreed she didn't do a great job but we've moved on and have an adult relationship now

That's very much a personal choice. There's no right or wrong.

I don’t think it’s a binary choice of holding a grudge vs forgiving. I certainly haven’t forgiven my parents for the emotional and physical abuse that peppered my childhood, but I’m not holding a grudge. I don’t want anything at all to do with him or to have him anywhere near me or my family ever again but equally I give him very little thought (other than when threads like this come up!) on a day to day basis. I have, most certainly, ‘moved on’.

Nope.

@mrssunshinexxx oh I get it completely, and can reassure you I've had many years of counselling (including the amazing EMDR), and I'm still like it with her 🤣
I do however, have excellent boundaries with her, and she can no longer manipulate me.
It's never helped my circle of friends all have excellent relationships with their mothers, so that plays a role as well.

i went NC with my father when i was 21.
I miss my father. But then i realise who he is and that he is incapable of being a father. I miss the idea of having a father who loves you. I dont miss him.

In the future I will tell my son that he has a grandad but we don't talk. He has lots of family who love him. I will be honest but i will be trying to change the topic quickly.

I havent forgiven.
Ive completely moved on.
Im content and secure in my decision. No poison. In fact the opposite. Im a lot healthier because of it. Its made me very strong and ive raised strong women as a result.
I have, as dr phil put it, risen above my rearing.