If you went NC with a parent did you ever regret it?

[Simpsonsfan]

I am struggling so much at the moment with whether to go NC with one of my parents. Currently we've had no contact for just over 2 months. They committed a harmful crime about 4 years ago which I've not been able to understand or really forgive them for but the way they've handled things since has also been poor. The last 4 years of my life have honestly been shit as a result of their actions while I've worked to get over the trauma they've caused me. The thing is until this all happened we were so close. And I do miss them. This is causing me torment every day. I don't really have anyone to talk to so I just wondered if anyone could share their experiences of going NC with a parent. Never thought I'd be in this position. I'm worried that when my parent dies, I'll have big regrets. Thank you x

This was the same for DH when FIL died. To be honest FIL was a complete stranger by that stage having been NC for years and years. He died in DH eyes long ago. We didn't go to the funeral and DH has no regrets. He did his grieving years ago when FIL was still alive.

It's interesting that your only contribution was to ask what the crime was...

My only regret is that I didn’t go NC sooner. Best thing I ever did.

I am pretty sure that when/if my mother ever dies, I will just feel relief that she can’t hurt people any more.

I missed the idea of having a mum, if you know what I mean. I cried once, seeing another woman's mum helping her with her baby, making her take a rest while the baby was looked after by grandma for a while. I never had that. My mother resented the fact that a baby made me less available to run round after her and reacted by trying even harder to be difficult. But I didn't miss her as a person and don't miss her now she's dead. I do sometimes feel a pang when I see grandmothers looking after grandchildren but remind myself that her presence caused increased stress, not an opportunity to take a break.

The reminders of what should have been are hard 😞

No regrets here. At all. There was a period of mourning, almost, at the start, but more for how I wish things could have been rather than how they actually were. Then it just felt a huge relief and weight off.

I went NC with my father in my early twenties and felt a lot of guilt and what ifs for nearly 10 years. After that length of time it felt as if he was already dead so when he did eventually die I felt absolutely nothing. No regrets though, he was a nasty man who lashed out at us all whilst being charming and lovely to strangers.

It's also difficult because a lot of posters have suffered life times of abuse from their parents so NC and death was a relief etc.

Reading between the lines this is not the case with you (or me) we had, on the whole, normal loving family relationships which were blown apart suddenly.

It's very difficult to get your head around and accept it.

I spent many years longing for the past to be my reality again, the only words of comfort I can give you OP is that it does get easier with time.

The poster probably felt more context was needed before offering an opinion. There’s lots of different levels of crime, and I guess some ‘crimes’ can be worked through with therapy and talking. But you don’t really need an excuse to go nc. If it’s what you want to do, and your life will be happier for it, then do it.

No regrets 15 years ago, should have done it sooner, frankly. Adult kids, they knew why, left it to them to decide if they wanted contact. Grandkids knew why as well. This was MIL, DH made the decision (although they imagined it was me) he added his siblings who surprisingly took her side . life is much more pleasant,he had serious phobias and anxiety before.

Dh is in a cycle of no contact with his mother and will go years without talking and then try and make contact again just to realise nothings changed, go through all the emotions all over again and decide no more.
And repeat.
He can't seem to accept that she won't change and although I've never met her I've seen her break his heart over and over from a distance.
I'd never say it but I think he would suffer less if he found the strength to walk away but he lives in hope that one day he'll find the mum he needs in her.
He will absolutely be devastated when she does because there will be no more hope.

Dies not does

No abuse and yes, great relationship that was completely blown to pieces overnight. I feel like I've spent the last 4 years in living grief as really, I lost my parent that day. Often I think it would have been easier if they'd died.

I wonder this too. I’m VLC with one parent. I think I would feel more peaceful if I was NC but can’t quite bring myself to do it. My biggest angst is worrying about them getting in touch.

Been NC with a ‘parent’ for 22 years. I it regret I didn’t do it sooner. Dread the impending death of a shared relative whose funeral I will NOT be able to avoid.

No regrets here. I wish I'd done it sooner. I got 15 years of NC peace before they died: I could have had 30.

That's fair enough, I'm really sensitive about it and felt they maybe were just being nosey which probably isn't fair.
I don't feel either way will bring my happiness, if I felt like I'd be happier and relieved going NC then it would be an easier decision.

It's hard to judge without knowing what the crime was. Some crimes are heinous, others are meh.
If you miss your parent, and they didn't set out to hurt you, then I would try to forgive. Doesn't mean you always have to be in their company.

My DM did something to me several years ago, everyone in my life said I should remove her from my life forever, I was incredibly hurt & for 5 years had no contact.

In the end I decided that the only way forward was to reconnect because everyone in the family was being harmed by the distance, I will never entirely trust her but I feel empathy for her I see her as sad & damaged.

It's hard when your parents who are supposed to support you & protect you make such awful decisions & fuck up to that degree. I am mid 50's & didn't want them to die without trying, I realised I had to live with myself & my decisions.

What she did created separation with other members of the family, which I think she quite likes but I don't get involved in the games.

It's your decision what you do, you have options it's not one thing or another though it might be somewhere in the middle. Is your parent making any effort with you to reconcile?

I am going to go against the grain here OP, and say that although NC can be the right option, it is really hard. I had a period of NC because my parents were constantly critical and selfish and in complete denial about how their actions in the past had affected me as a child. But I found it hard to not have that parental relationship, and I reinstated contact, but with clear boundaries and being very honest with them about what was not acceptable to me. I had a good relationship with them for the last 10 years of my mothers life, with one massive hiccup, but we were able to get through that, and I do feel my life has been better due to it.

I think it depends on the person tbh when it comes to LC v NC. I couldn't do LC, I'm really black and white. It was easier to just cut him out completely. But as I say, maybe everyone 's not like that.

I believe that unforgiveness towards parents blocks blessings and doesn't allow healing in your life. If parent has committed a crime, perhaps they feel like a pariah. I don't think I'd want to turn my back on an elderly parent when they feel rejected and vulnerable.

Perhaps they deserve to feel like a pariah? Being elderly doesn't absolve anyone of their past sins.

MIL was n/c with her father due to abuse as a child and when he died she seemed devastated and put it all over fb and pays tribute to him every birthday and Father's Day.
I think she regrets it based on that but then maybe that's her way of dealing with it.

I was VLC with my DM for 7 yrs, would have been NC if it hadn't have been for logistics of a sibling that lived with her. I had no regrets, she passed a couple of years ago and I made a point of visiting the hospital at the end and being involved with the funeral etc. I never forgave her but it bought her peace that I was there, there is nothing more I could have done, I didnt want to regret not showing up. Her family have since reminded me why I chose to go LC (their behaviours are very similar) and they're headed into NC territory as well.