If you went NC with a parent did you ever regret it?

[Simpsonsfan]

I am struggling so much at the moment with whether to go NC with one of my parents. Currently we've had no contact for just over 2 months. They committed a harmful crime about 4 years ago which I've not been able to understand or really forgive them for but the way they've handled things since has also been poor. The last 4 years of my life have honestly been shit as a result of their actions while I've worked to get over the trauma they've caused me. The thing is until this all happened we were so close. And I do miss them. This is causing me torment every day. I don't really have anyone to talk to so I just wondered if anyone could share their experiences of going NC with a parent. Never thought I'd be in this position. I'm worried that when my parent dies, I'll have big regrets. Thank you x

I’ve been NC for about 8 years and have regrets in some ways. Regrets my children don’t have a grandparent or if I see my sister having that relationship that I don’t have.

But ultimately my life is better without the toxicity.

I think I’ll be sad when he dies but I don’t have it in me to reconnect.

Sorry to hear you went through that. I think it's exceptionally hard to forgive a narcisstic family member or any kind of abuse. I don't mean to judge anyone for not forgiving. I haven't fully forgiven people in my own life either. It is exceptionally hard.

I’ve been NC with one of my parents for over 15 years now, and have yet to regret it. I don’t think I ever will.

Ah. I would trust your feelings on this one in that case. The person isn’t who you thought they were and this has understandably shattered you to the point it’s difficult to have an ongoing relationship. Perhaps they used to be the person you once loved but for some reason something changed that made this crime possible.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I am sure it won’t be done lightly.

Last message I will post - I think forgiveness is important as it allows you to move on and heal. I did a lot of self healing work (through Catholicism - eek) last year. I just couldn't get over a hump and I realised that it all came back to my bitterness and resentment towards parents. There would be no peace until I forgave so I went through a process of buying books on forgiveness and trying to forgive. I did manage to forgive a good chunk and my life has felt better since. I think my relationships with friends and colleagues has improved as I'm not as easily hurt.

Which is great for you. But we're not all Catholic. It's great that you found a path to peace, but tbh I wouldn't go lecturing others on it coming from a Catholic standpoint. Ask all the victims of the mother and baby homes how forgiving they feel.

Again Daniel, please don't judge. Nobosy knows the full picture. My own mother was in a mother/baby home and had a baby out of wedlock in the early 70s in Ireland. The nuns were kind to her and took care of her. She doesnt look back with anger. Her own family rejected her. I think we have a lot of preconceived beliefs about people's actions and intentions.

Yeah, I sensed there was a religious aspect to your posts.

@BoundaryGirl3939 your posts come across as very judgmental here. I’m sorry.

I've been no contact with my dad since I was 18, so 18 years ago. No regrets. He brought nothing positive to my life and I don't miss him. If he died, I'd feel nothing. That's how I know it was the right decision.

Nope, never regretted it for a moment. He was dangerous and my life was
better and safer for not having him in it. He died a few years ago. It wasn’t sudden and I’d have had time to see him if I’d wanted to, but I had nothing I wanted to say to him. I didn’t wish him any pain & I’d let go of any anger and hurt I’d had many years earlier. But it would have been knocking on the door of a complete stranger.

When he died I didn’t feel anything for a few days, then I did get a bit upset, but part of it was sadness at the sheer bloody waste of the family he’d had and the rest was guilt for not feeling anything. I didn’t go to the funeral and I don’t regret that either. Nor did I accept any of the money left over once his estate was settled.

I know it sounds obvious but you can only go by your own feelings. There are lots of people who subscribe to the ‘oh but you only get one mum/dad’ or ‘I’d do anything to have my parent back with me’ but you absolutely cannot listen to them because they didn’t have your parent. And the same goes for listening to people like me. God forbid but you could cut ties and they could get hit by a bus the next day and you could be wracked with regret for the rest of your life.

The only advice I’ll give is to tell yourself they have a week to live. How do you feel? Is there anything you want to say to them? do you wish you could turn the clock back and hug them again? Or do you feel grief but resolute that those ties had to be cut? Would some counselling help, do you think? Not to advise you but to sort out your feelings in your own head?

Again, your experience was ok. But you must be living under a rock for the last 20 years if you don't know about everyone else. And tbh, it must be hugely insulting to the victims to hear someone come out with crap like 'nobody knows the full picture '. Babies dumped in sewage tank fgs. Just be thankful you weren't one of them and don't go around lecturing people. It's really not a good look.

No regrets, one is now dead, the other will likely pass away in the next year or so as I know they are very unwell.
I accepted that I was sad about the loss of the relationship I thought we had or I wanted to have not the one that existed, they were not the people I thought or hoped they were. The situation has caused me to be NC with siblings too as through it I realised they were also not the people I thought they were and we did not have the relationship I thought we did.
Once I took the emotion out of it and accepted this is just how it factually is I realised how much better my life was not having them in it.

YES defo

I’m NC with my Dad - it was a pretty mutual choice when I was 11 when our relationship just clearly wasn’t ever going to work and he tried to turn me against my Mum who’d raised me basically solo because he was useless.

I absolutely do not at all regret it and I am so glad I don’t have him in my life. He’s still alive so I can’t say how I’ll feel when he’s dead but he’s even less than a stranger to me now so I can’t see myself feeling any different.

Show me the evidence that babies were dumped in a septic tank?

The media lied about that case. All the babies died natural deaths. They were placed in a underground cript. Council knocked the home to build a housing estate. Bones were disturbed and pushed close to a septic tank during that building work. Media ran with the untrue story.

Rate of infant mortality was the same inside the home as outside during those bleak, impoverished times.

You seem a bit obsessed with my posts DanielG. Good luck.

NC with my dad and have been since childhood. No regrets at all. He's not dead. Can't be doing with all this waffle about "forgiveness being healing". It's really nothing to do with anyone else.

@BoundaryGirl3939 the ‘forgiveness’ line is the manipulation tactic that was used against me for thirty year by a religious mother who also happened to be a narcissist. Along with the old ‘honour your parents that it may go well with you’ it messed me up to the point I felt guilty even trying to have boundaries. Forgiving somebody doesn’t mean continuing to let them hurt you. Sometimes it’s not safe for a person to be in your life. NC isn’t always a sign of lack of forgiveness. It’s nice you’ve found some peace, or at least think you have, but that sort of judgement can be extremely damaging and I doubt it’s helpful for OP.

Edited to add: I’ve been NC since beginning of the year and although it feels strange a weight has been lifted. I only realised recently that I’ve stopped having almost daily intrusive thoughts and I feel resilient for the first time in my life. It’s given me the freedom to begin finding out who I actually am and what my own opinions really are.

I used to be very religious and “forgiveness” Is a common tool used by abusers in those circles to avoid taking responsibility. It switches things around so that the one impacted by poor choices has the highest moral burden to change, whereas the perpetrators are saved by grace or if not that, then transformed by your living holy example (heaping coals on their head).

I have concluded it’s a terrible way to live and left religion for my sanity. Taking responsibility for yourself (when your family members refuse to do so) and putting appropriate boundaries in place is the way to go.
Of course, if the family member has genuine regret and a sincere desire to work on themselves then that’s something you can actively support them with but if not and their behaviour doing your head in, there is no need to apply forgiveness and NC may be the most appropriate response for internal peace and wellbeing.

I'm really glad you found a route that worked for you and are happier as a result. It's definitely not a one size fits all though. Forgiveness isn't freeing for everyone. Sometimes peace comes with separation. DH was totally happy and at peace with his decision to go totally NC. He feels no guilt or bitterness. He's not angry. While he hasn't forgiven, he certainly has forgotten and they just don't factor in any part of his life anymore. That's absolutely fine, as is your decision to go a different route.

Haven't seen/spoken to my "dad" in 32 years. On a day to day basis I do not miss him. Special occasions like Fathets day, I miss having a dad but I don't miss him as a person

have been nc with "parents" for 5 years and is only since then i have been able to start to heal from a lifetime of severe abuse and neglect. long way to go but they are toxic and i don't want my children anywhere near that. i feel angry that they are healthy and well when other much kinder people their age have passed. also really upset me recently as health not great been in and out of hospital and i just wish i had a "mum" or what i thought that might be someone to look after me be there for me etc. i think the closest to that feeling i got was when in hospital a wonderful nurse on the night shift came in and i was crying and she stroked my hair and went to get me a drink. i felt so cared for. i feel so sad that so many have this kind of female caring relative in their life regularly and i never had that

You really feel it when you see what you don't have. When I was about 14 I went to stay in friends house and was totally unsettled by how calm it was. I was waiting for the shouting to start. It never did. It's always stuck with me.

Yes, me. Although the reason was different and a serious crime is quite another thing.

My mum was driving me bonkers, I had delayed anger with her over what she had done during my childhood and I found her really intrusive. I lived abroad and stopped taking her calls for about two years. Last conversation with her I told her to get out of my life forever. Maybe even that I hated her. Then she died suddenly and very young. Hardest thing ever. Had a proper breakdown. She’d been a very loving mum as well as someone often in terrible circumstances. I live in abject fear of history repeating itself with my own DD