If you went NC with a parent did you ever regret it?

[Simpsonsfan]

I am struggling so much at the moment with whether to go NC with one of my parents. Currently we've had no contact for just over 2 months. They committed a harmful crime about 4 years ago which I've not been able to understand or really forgive them for but the way they've handled things since has also been poor. The last 4 years of my life have honestly been shit as a result of their actions while I've worked to get over the trauma they've caused me. The thing is until this all happened we were so close. And I do miss them. This is causing me torment every day. I don't really have anyone to talk to so I just wondered if anyone could share their experiences of going NC with a parent. Never thought I'd be in this position. I'm worried that when my parent dies, I'll have big regrets. Thank you x

It really depends on the situation. I think the shock of finding out your parent had done something criminal would take a long time to get over. But if you previously had a good and close relationship, I think I'd want to understand why they had done the bad thing and find out if they were remorseful for the trouble it caused. As adults, we come to understand that our parents are human and flawed but we can still love them even when they've made a terrible choice, if they are regretful and want to make amends.

I went NC with my mother 15 years ago and have never regretted it. She brought not one positive thing to my life in fact she just was a source of anxiety and stress. It seemed her good in life was to make me either feel bad about myself or sorry for her.

Once I realised she was starting to become toxic to my DCs to protect them I went NC. I have heard that if she meets anyone she’s the victim that I cut her out, thought I was “too good for her” whatever that means. Of course she’s never going to say it was her fault.

I’ve told the DCs she was abusive to me growing up and I won’t want her to be like that to them. I miss having a mother/daughter relationship and miss that my DCs never had a lovely grandma but I certainly do not miss her in my life.

I went NC on my biological mother in 2013. I'd had enough of the appalling treatment. One thing that helped significantly was calling her by her name rather than "mum" when referring to her. A relative asked me if I was doing it to hurt her, I told them it was to protect me. Once I'd broken the use of the term "mum" I was able to see the relationship for what it was.

She was very sick and died in 2015. I was told she was ill the day before. I cried for a few minutes and then it was over. She died the next day. We've all done so much better since she died, no more walking on eggshells. Life is better with her not in it.

I'm not really into country music but when I woke up on the day she died (she died later on in the day) I dreamt about the song "Don't put dirt on my grave just yet" from Nashville. It gave me so much strength.

If you told anyone else about your relationship but it was in a romantic relationship, they'd tell you to leave. This is no different. You deserve better.

Also, after she died I was helping to clear out her things. A relative was gifted her relationship and her last search on FB was for me.

It was such a pathetic way to end up. She deserved it.

It's particularly hard when they have no remorse and don't want to make amends. It leaves you very confused as a child. My dad got his comeuppance dying alone etc but it's a horrible situation to be in as the adult child.

NC since 2019. It took a year of extreme behaviour from my parents who "wouldn't allow it" - trying to break into my house, standing behind my car while I was trying to reverse away, kicking off in public places - culminating in a legal letter to get them to leave me alone.

But it's been the most peaceful time of my life.

Teens have only really questioned it when they've been in a mood about something else. I told them a relationship with them wasn't healthy or safe - they've been given some details but not the life story. Exh also tells them they must stay away - I think since this is the only thing we have ever agreed on, the kids must know it's serious.

I think if your NC is a group decision it can sometimes make it easier to move forward with regards to out of sight out of mind.

You state the crime would effect their children which I read that you have siblings. If your siblings have also cut contact, along with anyone you have day to day interactions with such as a partner or adult children, I think this reduces the reopening of wounds each time they interact with/bring up in conversation that they have interacted with them.

Grieving the end of any relationship; longtime friendship, sibling, marriage is still awful. You have lost all the dreams and interactions through no fault of your own.

Whether you choose to get in contact in the future or not, remember it is not your crime. You are allowed to feel all the emotions of grief and stand by your decision.

You are doing the right thing for you right now.

I'm sorry you've been in that position 😔 I think there can only be forgiveness and reconciliation if true regret and remorse is shown.

I agree. What can I say though, he made his own bed and he had to lie in it. It was sad, but very much of his own doing.

I went NC with my 'mother' when I was 18. She attempted to contact me a few times in my late teens and early 20s which was horrendous. She died when I was in my mid 20s and, frankly, it was a huge relief. I didn't attend her funeral. Then from the age of 30 I gradually became NC with all my relatives.

I'm 50 now and have zero regrets.

I only regret not doing it sooner.

No regrets here. My father left when I was about nine. Heard from him intermittently for maybe ten years. Then when I was in my forties he had the cheek to write to my mother asking her to "help him to get to know me". I wrote to him pointing out that he'd had that opportunity when I was a child and was never interested, did he really think Mum would go behind my back like this (she had shown me the letter) and btw did his current wife - the woman he committed adultery with - know he was writing to us? I am glad to say I never heard from the old wretch again. He died a few years ago.

No regrets.
And you know what i found freeing?
NOT forgiving. I realised i didnt have to forgive. Cos i didnt want to. And i could still move on.
And i have. No regrets. I did what was right for me.

Damn right. You owe them nothing. Enjoy the freedom!

I went NC and six months down the line I see the dynamic causing the NC incredibly clearly. It’s amazing how much we tolerate, how much time it takes to process events and how we have to battle often alone. Sounds dramatic but if only anyone knew my thoughts and journey over the past months. Wishing everyone the best with their journey through NC.

Absolutely no regrets at all.

Went NC FINALLY 30 years ago with my mother and all her family including her vile husband and the half siblings she had with this man.

Most of them are dead now - except Mother's god awful sister and one half sibling. I found out about the various deaths through the internet. Felt nothing! It was like reading about total strangers.

Live your best life OP and don't let the thought/memory of these people drag you down.

You're so right there. You don't realise what you're going through until you're out of it. And that starts a whole new questioning phase. It's very difficult. But it's not insurmountable.

I always wonder if there was something I could have done to fix things. Even though I’d tried years of therapy trying to understand my mum’s behaviour. Unfortunately I’m saddled with a lifetime of guilt as I got married in the April (parents didn’t come to wedding, they were kind of invited but my mum had told me I’d need to keep my grandad away from her or she’d throw Prosecco over him so the invitation was quite a half hearted one) and then she took her own life two months later. I was subsequently blamed for her suicide by my dad and still am.

Mine is an extreme case and very messed up. I did my best at the time with the cards I was dealt. At the time, being in contact with my parents was causing me severe stress. So I did what I could to protect my peace.

I went nc 2 years ago and was lc for years before that. I have found it extremely liberating especially when I've been triggered when remembering aspects of my childhood - knowing that I have escaped from that oppression feels empowering and it's satisfying for me to know that I had the strength to walk away. No regrets at all.

@DanielGault

Be that as it may, there comes a point where you have to say enough now. You don't owe your parents a free pass to abuse you. Sometimes you just have to let them go if they're having a negative affect on your life.
THIS

It is true they are always explanations why a parent acts negatively.
but ti allow them to continue to do this to you is Abuse.
And you cannot allow that.
Forgive of course, but the only way to have a healthy relationship is with very strong boundaries (and I'm the kind of person to tell someone to fo if they push these boundaries) but it takes a lot.
Some of the batshit behaviour dish out by some parents and accepted by children/ adult children is very sad.

I went NC with a parent 12 years ago. No regrets. I have had a couple of wobbles over the years, but ultimately protecting my peace is worth it. Sending hugs. It’s a big decision x

I’ve gone NC with extended family and have no regrets. Therapy can help with grieving the parent you deserve but didn’t have.

I went no contact about 3 years ago with my father follow the sudden death of my mum and his actions. I couldn't actually believe his choices and actions and obvious lack of respect for my mum or his children in such a traumatic time. 8 don't regret it I just wish it had been him and not my mum. She was everything to everyone she was incredible . It does cause me anxiety and what ifs but ultimately you can't make someone behave how you think they should ? If someone impacts your life more negatively than positively it's ok to go NC when im doubting myself i ask myself if id accept this hurt off a friend or a colleague / basically any other human and the answer is no. Just because someone has a title in our lives and are related by blood doesn't actually have to mean that much when you break down their actions. x

You are absolutely right.
People get confused
They think to forgive means letting the other person get away with bad behaviour and having to have a relationship again with them.
It does not.
Infact the only way some people can go no contact with someone is to hate them and be full of anger. This is not healthy
Causes bitterness, resentment, depression
But forgiveness means completely forgetting about it.
Forgiveness is for you , not the dis functional person.
Good example:
About 2 month ago a sibling (on WhatsApp) wrote a long monologue about how he felt 'entitled' to a certain pot of money , we as a family have put aside for Granddad - shout he need care before he dies (he's 84 and in fairly good health)
Once he died we will split the money up, if there is any left.
But this person wanted their share now (dirty , grabby etc) it was very upsetting and more the way it was done.
Point is after 2 days of this messing with my head I let it go.
( we also got together as a family and firmly said no)
Not spoken to sibling since.
(It all about drama)
We're not no contact but I'm in a really good place and will not tolerate any batshittery and they know it.

I'm nc with both parents , I don't regret being nc with my mother at all, she is a narcissist and gave me the childhood from hell, she is a very nasty and twisted person. I gave her so many chances over the years to change and treat me right but she never could. I now know that I have to accept that she'll never be a mother and I have to live in this limbo of never having had a mother yet she's still alive.
I'm sad about my father but despite being separated for the best part of 3 decades , he is her enabler and flying monkey. Last time I removed her from my life , he was angry because she was sick. He then stopped contact for nearly 2 months , devastating my toddler, who cried for his grandad. That was a step too far and something I couldn't forgive. He made his choice and my child won't suffer the consequences. I'm more than willing to break my heart to protect my son. Hell never know the cruelty I did as a child