to wonder if a high ponytail sends a message I'm unaware of?

[AuntieWithAttitude]

I was watching a friend's kid after school and told her about a summer camp where I used to work. We often helped the kids put their hair in 'camper buns'—a messy bun right on top of their heads. She asked me to do it for her, but didn't like it, so we ended up with a super high ponytail instead. She loved it and had fun swishing it around.

When her mum saw it, she commented on how high it was and then lowered it.
I didn't really think too much of it, until today on TV a character wore a high ponytail, and other characters remarked on how high it was, saying things like 'erm, are you sure you want to wear your hair like that?'.

Am I missing something about the significance of high ponytails? I can be bad at this stuff, subtle cues and such, I'm wondering if I've caused offence to my friend somehow. She seemed really weird about it. Don't want to make the same mistake again if I've misunderstood the significance of something.

I really like the idea of just asking - and updating us!

I think it's about spheres of influence. This generation in particular socialises online, has information at their fingertips , (not always authoritative), no tedious library research for them.
The old adage is..at 16 I knew everything but as I got older I realised how little I knew. Live and learn.
My family and friends range from 90 year olds who still embrace the world to toddlers who find the whole world hilarious or traumatising. It's mainly the teenagers who are a bit jaded but they'll get over it like we did I hope.

We're both in our mid 30's, but I've spent most of my life taking very little notice of fashions and trends. Mostly I've worn the things I like and was happily surrounded by friends who did the same. There probably were those around me who followed the trends but I'm not highly observant, quite like my little bubble, so either I chose not to notice or haven't commited it to memory. Not sure. Based on me now I probably chose not to notice. I don't enjoy shopping so the ebb and flow of charging styles goes over my head. In hindsight theres probably some gratitude which should be felt for growing up in an age without social media where I had the freedom to just be me and not be burdened with whether that was a positive or negative thing or something to be improved.

I mostly wore my hair down (whilst at school and beyond I remember most of my friends doing the same), as I was frequently told by family members that it looked prettier than way, which as I child I translated to mean I didn't look attractive with my hair up so it took me till I was about 34 to be brave enough to start doing that (after therapy). I've never really watched much television so people like the characters named in this thread didn't spring to mind. The thing we were actually trying to create in the moment was the high messy bun, the ponytail was just the end result. My friend wasn't rude or anything in the moment, she just looked very surprised and commented on the hair being high, then a little while later took it down so it obviously bothered her in some way but in the moment I assumed it was just that she wasn't used to seeing her daughter with that style and wanted her to look more like herself (which after this thread I'm inclined to continue thinking tbh), it was only then hearing the multiple references to the ponytail on Grey's anatomy which made me ponder if there was something I was missing. I can often misunderstand things, part of being unobservant I presume, and if a thought pops into my brain sometimes I like to check if I should be learning something about the world which i had previously missed.

Think what I've concluded from this situation is that in Grey's anatomy the hair way commented on because it is associated with a type of character over there which didn't suit the character sporting it (thanks to be person who explained that!) and in the case of my friend she probably just wasn't used to that style on her daughter and so changed it so she looked more like how the mum was used to seeing her. Might have been a headache/traction thing but as someone kindly said that would just be speculation.

Really grateful to all the people who have taken a moment to consider a response and try to help me understand the world a bit better. Doesn't come naturally to all of us but I'm doing my best :)

Absolutely agree with you.
The Internet also means that people of all ages are more aware of trends and attitudes of younger generations, in a way they weren't before. It's not a new thing for teenagers to be rebellious and strident in their views.

Thanks for update op.

The big takeaway is, whatever she thought, it’s not a biggie and no harm done. It doesn’t sound as though her mum made a huge thing of it either.

If it’s a style thing then it’s just superficial and if it’s the traction alopecia, I don’t think you caused either in that short time. But I respect the fact you were curious and open enough to ask .

If people are telling you they understand the world they are either lying or ignoring the bits they don't understand.😁
You say you helped out at a summer camp,. Sounds like a good life experience, I might suggest it to my 18 year old, he's not a happy bunny at the mo' and needs something to take him out of himself.

@quantumbutterfly I'd really recommend it! They have some in the UK too I think so don't necessarily need to go all the way to the states. I learned a lot about myself, made great friends some of whom I was in business with in later life. Still in touch with some of the campers even (thanks to the connectivity of the modern world!). People went back every summer for years. Was kind of a gentle intro to travelling, we met a group at the airport so flew over together, they told us the transfers/how to get to camp so we had a bit of adventure (rather than being picked up from the airport directly) then had one evening and one day off a week to explore which was lovely. Lots of people travelled afterwards with the people they met. For me it was a great experience.

It actually sounds perfect for an unhappy 18 year old bunny @quantumbutterfly .

Do you have any helpful links? I remember Camp America from my BUNAC days.
I also know of an American org. called 'up with people', but that's expensive...and a bit happy,clappy for him.

@quantumbutterfly my knowledge is a good 15 years out of date I'm afraid 😟

Google is my friend.😁

If it’s actually on top of the head then it looks ‘chavvy’. But tbh I think it’s cute on very little kids. It does have a ‘look’ which is different to just a high ponytail.

Aaahhh the pineapple, unfairly maligned by cruel comments.

what a load of b wear your hair how you like it discrimination about hair now - look at horse riders they wear pony tails - be yourself forget others opinions

The higher the ponytail, the more common you are when I grew up 😂

Oh and it was the fifteen year olds with boyfriends in their twenties who had them right on the top.

It is also quite bad for the head and hair. The highest it should go is in line with your chin.

Although I think your camper buns sound quite "common" too as it was the high-pony crew that had them... 😂

I've always wore my hair in a high ponytail to keep it off the back of my neck. The longer my hair is the higher the ponytail is.

As long as you don't pull them too tight you don't get headaches or traction alopecia.

I don't give a shit if people think I'm common. It's comfier than having sweaty, sticky hair stuck to the back of my neck all day.

I've never heard of this. I've been wearing my hair in a high ponytail a lot lately as it's quick and easy to do and it stops my newborn from grabbing it.

Oh? 😳

In line with your chin is really quite low. I’m ckearly more chav than I realised !
😱😲🧟‍♀️. 😂

I think middle of the back of the head is fine …

I shall hoist my pony tail higher than a pair of mumsnet judgey pants and embrace my chavtasticity then, but not when I'm cleaning the cat's litter tray obviously.

Anyone remember the 'girls world' toy, that's about the placement I'm aiming for.

😂😂😂

Not really directed at you, Caliopespa but your takeaway from this thread is that 'shush' is rude? I think it is dismissive but, on the grand scale of things, it's completely mild considering the vile assessments and horrible names being bandied about on this thread.

I go back to the OP; she's talking about a child... it's hard to believe that grown women, presumably mothers, are happy to cast real slurs are women for something as non-issue as a hairstyle, equating it with blow jobs/sex work at the like. Misogynistic doesn't even cover it.

I guess that if and when posters own daughters are ridiculed for some foible they make in their dress or bullied for having the wrong hair style they will be on their high horses right enough. Plus ca change...

I agree that none of it is right.

But op had asked - reasonably enough - if there was a reason why the mum might not have liked the style.It wouldn’t be fair not to explain if we happen to have an idea of what we think it is.

None of us on this thread can “ unhappen” stereotypes. Chav isn’t a nice concept but it is, at least, equally applicable to men. To that extent I think the misogynistic aspect is just because this happens to be a female hairstyle on this thread. The close shave and let us not forget ( how could we forget?) the mullet come in for equal criticism on a class based assessment.

I don't care?

Well that’s not a surprise because it’s a natural corollary of not being “desperate for approval,” as you put it ( aka not giving a toss about how your behaviour comes across or impacts others.)