AIBU over SIL’s personality transplant now she’s pregnant too?

[Lavenderqueeny]

DH’s sister & I have never been close - she spent the first few years of our relationship being extremely hostile & territorial over DH, and things never really improved. We live locally but don’t see each other regularly / never text etc. I find her extremely domineering, she constantly makes passive aggressive comments & she’s really competitive too.

Apart from replying to DH’s text to let her know I was pregnant, she hasn’t mentioned my pregnancy / her future niece or nephew at all - even when we’ve seen her, it was like the elephant in the room. I absolutely wasn’t expecting it to be all about me but for her not to acknowledge it at all was extremely odd. Any time it came up in conversation (like if PIL mentioned it) she would just change the subject. Very bizarre and the total opposite of how the rest of the family / our friends have been.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and she has announced she is pregnant & our babies are going to be a couple of months apart. Since then she’s been constantly going on about how the cousins are going to be ‘besties’ and do everything together & it’s started to really wind me up!! I don’t enjoy her company and I don’t want to be stuck doing everything with her from now on just because it now suits her to play happy families. AIBU to think that you can’t just do a 180 and suddenly be super close with someone when it suits you?

YANBU but it would be nice for cousins to be close so personally for my kid and my partner, I would grit my teeth and see whether I had any common ground with her. Wouldn't do anything that took more than it gave but would try and build up a rapport - what does your husband think? Does he get on with his sister or does she grate?

Sure, but you were annoyed when she was distant, and now you’re annoyed that she seems to want to be closer to you? Isn’t it possible she didn’t want to talk about your pregnancy because she was TTC and nothing was happening, and now she’s relieved and happy? And if you don’t in fact like her, why weren’t you perfectly happy she was never in contact with you before now?

Obviously, you’re perfectly within your rights to say ‘Look, I don’t like you, and don’t want to become best friends just because we’re both pregnant’, but it’s not clear what you actually want here?

It's annoying! And such weird behaviour to suddenly change. Maybe she was really jealous & now she's also pregnant she's happier?

On the other hand it will be nice to be cousins close in age... you don't have to see her lots if you don't want to

it sounds like she was trying to conceive when you announced your pregnancy and she struggled with that. Now she is pregnant and excited and youre not happy

What do you want tho? She’s not close to you, fine, now she wants to be due to the babies but your cross? Just tell her you’re not interested if so!

YANBU, but I would suggest that your DH could facilitate a cousin relationship long-term. If your SIL is looking to mend bridges and is being friendly then I would give her a chance...but at an arm's length until she behaves that way consistently. You don't need to be best buddies but if your DC do get along in the future then that could be a lovely result of you being the better person.

Do you think there's any chance she may have been having fertility issues? It doesn't excuse her behaviour but it might explain it.

She's finally got something in common with you. My sister and I grew closer when I was pregnant. It's a life stages thing in some ways.

I think what the OP wanted was for her SIL to treat her in a friendly manner from the start, and to have acknowledged her pregnancy.

I imagine OP is not feeling particularly warm to her SIL. I’d feel like I was at last being treated normally because I was an incubator for the SIL’s baby’s future cousin, rather than a person in my own right, and I’d be thinking my SIL could go and get fucked.

She would already have known she was pregnant when we told them our news so I find it so odd that she didn’t even text me directly to say Congratulations, but now
it suits her she’s been extremely intense about doing loads of stuff together - she’s even bought the babies matching outfits!!

DH& I have been together over 12 years so it’s just irked me that she wants to play happy families now but has happily been really nasty over the years.

The problem is, if you've never been pregnant,it's hard to imagine how important it is for the women who are pregnant. And also, it's hard to be happy for people if you're struggling with infertility.

OP, take the opportunity and make anew friend. See what happens. It might be the "look at me, I'm pregnant show" with her, it might be the first step to a life long friendship.

@LunaNorth yes exactly !!! You can’t be hostile for years and then besties now you want that close family unit

Sounds to me like she was TTC when you got pregnant and had trouble handling her feelings. I think you should accept her offer of friendship with good grace. It will be amazing for the cousins to have that close relationship.

If you could do that after 12 years of hostility, you’re a better person than me. I’d be wanting a very frank and open conversation first, and possibly an apology.

Same thoughts as @Triskeline , is it possible that she was TTC and now she’s pregnant her attitude has changed because she’s relieved (or not jealous, take your pick).
Going through infertility (even though it was eons ago for me), didn’t make a better person when I was watching others get pg and I was going through the painful two week wait month after month.

Perhaps give it time and see if she becomes less territorial over your DH for the sake of the whole family in the long run.

If she doesn’t change, you’d be better off distancing yourself from her.

Just trying to say (not very well) that if you want to see if you tolerate her better now for the sake of DH and his family but you are of course under no obligation to entwine your life w her.

Congratulations on yr pregnancy, hope it all goes well!

Knowing you are pregnant is one thing, being fairly sure that it’s going ok and you have a good chance of having a baby is another. You don’t know what struggles she may have had to get to that point.
Cut her some slack!

It sounds like it’s been 12 years of being unpleasant which can’t be explained away with fertility issues and really points to a bigger personality issue. I would find this sudden friendliness really fake and contrived to be honest! If the SIL was so keen on having a strong family bond then why wasn’t she just nicer to OP from the beginning?

Even if she knew she was pregnant when you shared your news, she may have been terrified of losing the baby if she'd had previous losses.

Anyone else find it really weird when women are territorial about their brothers towards other women?

Perhaps she was TTC however I doubt it as she was super hostile long before that. No, I think she is jealous and probably sped up her conception to make sure she was 'better' than you. Don't be fooled that the babies will be besties, expect constant phone calls. "When did baby sit up? Oh mine did it at x weeks, earlier than yours." "Oh, is toddler not potty trained yet, mine is."
I an hopefully wrong but you are right to keep sweet AND your distance.

Does her ‘vision’ here actually include you- or just your brother/ the baby?

I agree with this I had a miscarriage last year and I struggled to be around anyone pregnant or with new babies, we hadn’t told anyone about the baby or the loss so to everyone else it seemed like I was just being a bitch to my SIL who was pregnant at the time.

You don’t have to hang around her for cousins to be close your DH could be the one taking your DC around them.

My immediate thought was she was struggling to conceive when you announced. That can lead to all sorts of irrational behaviour - jealousy, sadness, anger, despair (it did with me when I heard about pregnancy announcements), especially if it's within the family. And now she's pregnant too, she's excited about going through the experience together. Try to give her some grace.

I think that although it was a little odd not to mention it, when I was TTC it felt like there was a glowing banner over my head saying I AM HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX IN ORDER TO HAVE A CHILD.

I couldn't mention it, stayed quiet in conversations about it, and after I got pregnant but wasn't sharing yet, the sign changed to I AM SECRETLY PREGNANT.

Given that when you told her she must have been newly pregnant or trying to be, I'd assume this.

Yes, I think it’s very unhealthy. The least worst explanation is the sister wants her brother at her beck and call.

I don’t agree that the op should forget 12 years of hostility, there is something seriously wrong with the SIL, the op would be well advised to keep her distance.

I don't have a lot in common with my brother's wife but we did get closer when we both got pregnant. It gave us something to talk about.

I always thought she didn't like me but my brother said one time that she thought I didn't like her - in reality we just didn't click for a while. Not saying that's what happened here but it did make me rethink my interactions with her over the years.