AIBU over SIL’s personality transplant now she’s pregnant too?

[Lavenderqueeny]

DH’s sister & I have never been close - she spent the first few years of our relationship being extremely hostile & territorial over DH, and things never really improved. We live locally but don’t see each other regularly / never text etc. I find her extremely domineering, she constantly makes passive aggressive comments & she’s really competitive too.

Apart from replying to DH’s text to let her know I was pregnant, she hasn’t mentioned my pregnancy / her future niece or nephew at all - even when we’ve seen her, it was like the elephant in the room. I absolutely wasn’t expecting it to be all about me but for her not to acknowledge it at all was extremely odd. Any time it came up in conversation (like if PIL mentioned it) she would just change the subject. Very bizarre and the total opposite of how the rest of the family / our friends have been.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and she has announced she is pregnant & our babies are going to be a couple of months apart. Since then she’s been constantly going on about how the cousins are going to be ‘besties’ and do everything together & it’s started to really wind me up!! I don’t enjoy her company and I don’t want to be stuck doing everything with her from now on just because it now suits her to play happy families. AIBU to think that you can’t just do a 180 and suddenly be super close with someone when it suits you?

Tbh I’ve been accused of this with my brother (by some of his many, many girlfriends) and they have always been the slightly batshit jealous ones because I assure you I am not territorial of him at all and think any woman who goes near him is fucking insane with his track record of ‘have a baby with them then leave, never see them again and pay nothing’

Its why I often take threads like this with a pinch of salt.

This is very true. I have a competitive SIL and it has been HARD. We have a girl and a boy of the same age. Who adore each other by the way but have been allowed to enjoy that bond due to the wider family (huge). I shut her down straight away or tell her to move on, she's been saying the same stuff for 12 years, is she not bored/tired yet? The difference is I love her. Apart from the awful competitiveness she is amazing and has stood by my side through some awful times and vice versa. It also helps that she is the same with her other siblings, the cousins and everyone else she comes across. She just cannot stop herself. I know to avoid her at the end of a school year for example due to grades, reports etc. The thing is, if my child is doing better than hers I don't trust her not to be awful about it so it's easier to shut it down.
Her dd and my neice currently attend the same after school activity so that's taking up a lot of her mind space at the moment. It must be exhausting.
I would not find it as easy to deal with if we didn't have a good relationship before the kids were born. As it stands, I can happily tell her to zip it.

I would assume that you’re right about the comparisons. This is why I think you need to be busy with your own life and let her wonder why the cousins aren’t close.

Hi OP,

Firstly congratulations!!! 🎊👏💐

Yes this was my thought- the risk of a lifetime of comparisons.

So I would ensure to build a wider group of mum friends with babies the same age BUT VERY IMPORTANT - do not introduce SIL and her baby to these friends.

Keep separate groups so if you do need to pull away from her then she is not intertwined with your other Mum friends and their babies.

Also as other MNs suggest get DH to facilitate cousins playing together. Does not have to be you xx

Good point - keep friends and hobbies separate. If her kid does ballet, encourage yours to do karate. If hers does gymnastics, encourage languages and art.

Keep things at a distance. She’ll be asking you to look after her dc because you live close and are family. Get ready to say no. Use the reasons of bonding, quiet time with your baby to fend her off. This asking will happen so get ready to not be her go to person for childcare.

@changedwwyd absolutely yes.

Ruthlessly keep your friends separate, especially new baby friends.
She may well be pushy but you push back.
I really wouldn't be upset about causing drama, if needs be.
I would be making it so clear to husband that I want to keep seeing as little as possible.
See grandparents at your house too.....on their own.
Expect them to be far more interested and engaged with her and her baby, be prepared for that.

A price well worth paying not to have her overly involved.
Keep your plans quiet.
Avoid suggestions of joint holidays etc.
It can be done.

Cousins are lovely to have close by, but if the cost is tolerating their toxic parents best to choose friends every time.

She was obviously trying to get pregnant and was jealous. She is happy now it's happened. Let her and brother do things with the kids together bonus time for you to have rest

I don't think this has anything to do with fertility issues or miscarriage but everything to do with the op stealing her thunder.

She didn't want to discuss the ops pregnancy because they got in first. Betcha.

@PyongyangKipperbang yup based on my history with her I think you’ve nailed it. And now she’s trying to control thr narrative by making it all about cousins being besties

I don't think having a baby will suddenly make her a nicer, more approachable woman Op. After 12 years of hostility I'd make it clear to your DH that his DS won't suddenly be your new best friend. Keep her at arms length Op until you're sure she's really changed

@PyongyangKipperbang is correct.
12 years she has been hostile. This is who she is.
A relationship with you may only NOW suits her.
I would be seeing her strictly on your terms and I would make that so clear to your husband not to dare impose on YOUR boundaries in this matter.
You have the measure of her.

Maybe OP was territorial. She sounds a bit jealous of the closeness of SIL from her OP.

Why is it when a woman objects to another woman being rude, someone will alwayssay "oh you sound jealous "?

Or maybe SIL is a fucking bitch who doesn't like not being the centre of the universe and resented the op being her brothers no 1 priority and not her.

You need to realise she was unhappy because she also wanted a baby. It was wrong of her, and clearly she’s being over the top but perhaps you now need to give her the benefit of the doubt and at last cut her some slack. Just don’t go running to her, let her do the leg work for a bit till you feel comfortable

@RedHelenB absolutely not jealous - she was territorial over him e.g endless comments over him spending more time with me than the family… personally don’t think it’s a normal expectation as an adult that you would spend more time with your sister than your partner….

@Lavenderqueeny I don't think you're in the wrong here. Plenty of MILs are possessive about their sons but having a SIL whose the same is a bit much. I don't believe she's been cool towards you for 12 years because of fertility problems, she just didn't think you were the woman for her DB, which is one thing, but wanting to be your best mate now you're both pregnant is just strange.

For 12 years? From day one?!

So she was a bitch to the OP for all of that time because one day the OP might have a baby?

Maybe she just felt awkward discussing pregnancies and babies while ttc or knowing they have conceived?
Now she feels more comfortable.