AIBU over SIL’s personality transplant now she’s pregnant too?

[Lavenderqueeny]

DH’s sister & I have never been close - she spent the first few years of our relationship being extremely hostile & territorial over DH, and things never really improved. We live locally but don’t see each other regularly / never text etc. I find her extremely domineering, she constantly makes passive aggressive comments & she’s really competitive too.

Apart from replying to DH’s text to let her know I was pregnant, she hasn’t mentioned my pregnancy / her future niece or nephew at all - even when we’ve seen her, it was like the elephant in the room. I absolutely wasn’t expecting it to be all about me but for her not to acknowledge it at all was extremely odd. Any time it came up in conversation (like if PIL mentioned it) she would just change the subject. Very bizarre and the total opposite of how the rest of the family / our friends have been.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and she has announced she is pregnant & our babies are going to be a couple of months apart. Since then she’s been constantly going on about how the cousins are going to be ‘besties’ and do everything together & it’s started to really wind me up!! I don’t enjoy her company and I don’t want to be stuck doing everything with her from now on just because it now suits her to play happy families. AIBU to think that you can’t just do a 180 and suddenly be super close with someone when it suits you?

I think a lot of posters are missing that she has bene a bitch to you for 12 years - this isn't about any struggles to conceive or jealousy about your pregnancy. It's about someone treating you badly for the entire time you've known them and then suddenly playing nice now it suits them and she wants something from you.

Surely that would annoy most people. Even if she is entirely pleasant to you for the rest of your lives, I'd feel like it was fake and because she now considers me family or something with some warped logic, rather than because she likes me as a person. So yanbu and I'd keep my distance as much as I could (whilst still trying to keep the cousin relationship).

Going only on what you've put into your opening message @Lavenderqueeny, I would have to have a quiet word with her saying that when the babies are born, you will have no interest in facilitating them becoming 'besties' as they will be individual children with their own personalities and they may not even like each other. You'll also be terribly busy being mum to baby and any sort of forced relationships will be shut down straight away.
You could express a tone of faux-concern at her 180 personality shift asking if she is ok as before she became pregnant, she wouldn't have wanted you within 15 miles of her (at least that was your impression) that she couldn't stand you so why would she want to be spending quality time with you now? Is everything ok with her?

I'd also be letting my DH know that if his sister starts, he has to step in and shut her down to the same degree that she shut down your conversations previously. Also, any sort of 'bonding' will be done when your child is significantly older than newborn and will be organised through DH and you won't have to deal with her.

She sounds like she is a sandwich short of a picnic to be honest.

Ignore & live your own life

Its a no from me.

I wouldnt firmly close the door. But it would def leave it pushed ajar.

I also wouldnt be surprised if after the initial i want my baby to be close woth its cousin she starts getting jealous and competitive with the kids.

Your in laws will likely favour hers anyway though just due to consanguinity

Also get signed up from bump and me or nct and stick to them like white on rice so you dont have to waste your mat leave palling about with her

Sounds like she wants to make amends, could you forgive and move on? Lifes too short

To those of you who are saying that perhaps she was TTC - would that really excuse the SiL here being hostile/unwelcoming to the OP for 12 years????

Actually @Lavenderqueeny, why hasn't your DH put a stop to the way his sister has behaved towards you during those 12 years? Has he said anything to his sister at all to tell her that her tone/behaviour wasn't acceptable towards his wife???

Me too - no room for people like this in life. The cousins might not even like each other anyway.

I don't think she can be hostile to her sil for 12 years and then expect forgiveness/a close relationship. It doesn't matter whether she was struggling to conceive, it's not acceptable to treat other people like shit, just because she's having a hard time. Or to expect OP to fall into line now that it suits sil to be pleasant!

I had 2 sisters in law pregnant at the same time. Babies due at same time and one lost her pregnancy. It must have been absolutely awful for her, but she still managed to behave decently to the other sil.

Mind you don't get lumbered going to same ante natal groups or baby activities - make sure you develop your own separate support network and mum friends. I'd be civil but put a complete stop to any expectations of a share experience/upbringing. And if it comes up in wider family conversation I'd be factual about it - don't let her spin it as you rejecting friendship.

The hostility towards you for 12 years is real. This new her just suits her now.
Be busy in your own life, your own friends.
You do not have to create any space for her.
See her like you always did.
Make sure your husband knows that your lives are not now being hijacked by her, now that she suddenly wants to be civil.
That day has past.
You will see her at PIL's etc., but do not have her near your home.
Make sure you do NCT without her if you are, and keep your distance.
Women like her cause drama, avoid it and her.

You know she will be a nightmare once the babies are here don't you? 12 years of unpleasantness will not just go away. It will become one big competition between the kids. I would stay away, let your DH facilitate contact between the cousins, for your own sanity.

What’s your DH’s role here OP?

Is he aware of her hostility and has he supported you on this in the past? Is he close to her?

I see entirely why you’d feel the way you do and I’d expect his support in being happy for you both to distance yourselves from someone who treats his wife like shit, and not expecting you to suddenly forget it all and play happy families.

I’d have more of a problem with my DH being close to a sister who was so dismissive of his choices and rude to his wife, than I’d have with the bitch sister in the first place.

She isn’t trying to set you up as childcare when she goes back to work, is she?

My SIL was exactly the same. Didn’t give me the time of day but now “we are sooo much closer now I’ve had Ben aren’t we?”

I mumbled ‘I guess’ but in my head I want to say “No. You were always a bitch to me and nothing’s changed. If anything works, it’s down to my forgiveness, graciousness and endless patience, not yours. And that’s only because I love my DH. And by the way, Ben is a spoiled and charmless individual who is an absolute pain. Funny how my kids had to sit still as statues at your house but Ben treats mine like soft play. Or my kids were given cheap hot dogs but yours wolfs all my strawberries while you smile indulgently. He says outrageously blunt things and you smile indulgently. He picks his nose and eats it and you smile indulgently. You are a cunt and I hate you.”

Family relationships aren't the same as friends. Sometimes you have to forgive behaviour you might not in a friend because so many other people are involved. I would use this as an opportunity to reset your relationship. You don't have to be as close as she's thinking at the moment, but it will at least give you some common ground for the next couple of decades.

The most sensible reply of the thread.

You know your SIL so you know what she's like. Having said that I spent the first 3 months utterly terrified I was going to lose my baby, I bled, was sick, it was dreadful. Do you know the first 3 months were plain sailing?

Also, unless you've been pregnant before you honestly don't see it as that important to keep mentioning. I certainly didn't.

She may have been very anxious in early days of pregnancy. Given that you didn't see each other often and it's now been announced, sounds like one or two meetings only, and is quite understandable with a little empathy, so you really need to let that one go.

The two of you not getting along before is rather different. I believe none of us can say based on snippets about how bad she has actually been and the impact on you. You could see if now you can get along or decide you've already burned all bridges, but nobody else can nor should make that decision for you. Be careful to be sure that you aren't turning down a positive bew family relationship due to some immature bickering that may be left in the past, nor the converse of forgiving truly awful behaviours and opening yourself up to being badly hurt again in future.

And the excuse for the behaviour of the last 12 years is what?

3 choices:

1. Go with it
2. Ignore and stay under the radar
3. Speak to her and tell her what you've told us

This! Amazed at some of the comments on here - pregnancy is not a magic-wand personality transplant.

The competition will move to the kids. Hers will be positioned as the beloved beautiful genius; yours as the also-ran.

her personality won’t change. If she’s domineering and competitive she will be the same as a mother. I wouldn’t want my child to be around such a personality all the time. Will be a horrible way to grow up, and forced to bond with a cousin. Sounds like hell. You need to start standing up for yourself as you’ll need to do it a lot more when you’re a mother. Draw a line now and just be frank. She was a bitch to you for years, her bed is made.

I don't think choices are as clear as that - there is also a DH involved who has relationships with you both. Not clear what he has been doing for the 12 years you've been in open hostility with SIL, though he obviously picked you as you married.

I think it is great for cousins to have a relationship but he can facilitate, you can duck out. I would worry about the comparing too - that you need to shut down fast if it starts.

Its the 12 years of hostility suddenly being swept under the carpet that’s wound me up, I just included about her ignoring my pregnancy to illustrate the 180!!

I’m very concerned that I’m now in for a lifetime of comparisons and her being competitive about the children

You’re not being unreasonable to not want to hang out with her or be besties with her, but she probably said nothing about her pregnancy and avoided the subject of yours she was worried hers wouldn’t stick.

I would smile and nod and keep the peace then only hang out with her when you want to, say no to the stuff you’re not interested in.

The cousins might end up being close - and it’s really lovely to have cousins.

Thats easy to fix though @Lavenderqueeny , strong boundaries on your part and just stay away from her. Let your DH sort the cousins relationship out. Concentrate on your friends and family, just do not give her the headspace.