AIBU over SIL’s personality transplant now she’s pregnant too?

[Lavenderqueeny]

DH’s sister & I have never been close - she spent the first few years of our relationship being extremely hostile & territorial over DH, and things never really improved. We live locally but don’t see each other regularly / never text etc. I find her extremely domineering, she constantly makes passive aggressive comments & she’s really competitive too.

Apart from replying to DH’s text to let her know I was pregnant, she hasn’t mentioned my pregnancy / her future niece or nephew at all - even when we’ve seen her, it was like the elephant in the room. I absolutely wasn’t expecting it to be all about me but for her not to acknowledge it at all was extremely odd. Any time it came up in conversation (like if PIL mentioned it) she would just change the subject. Very bizarre and the total opposite of how the rest of the family / our friends have been.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and she has announced she is pregnant & our babies are going to be a couple of months apart. Since then she’s been constantly going on about how the cousins are going to be ‘besties’ and do everything together & it’s started to really wind me up!! I don’t enjoy her company and I don’t want to be stuck doing everything with her from now on just because it now suits her to play happy families. AIBU to think that you can’t just do a 180 and suddenly be super close with someone when it suits you?

The issue is that if this person has a character / morals that allow her to behave as she has to you and if competitiveness is/ has been a factor, she may not be the best influence on your child. She may be one of those people who constantly compare - to your child's detriment. Time will tell.

Would there be any harm in saying to her calmly and with no animosity that given she has previously made no effort to include or be in any way pleasant to you, it's odd she imagines you'll be happy to spend time in her company or to have your child do so as its conduct you wouldn't want modelled to your child. Of course if she's turned over a new leaf and would like things to be different and more civil going forward then you'll embrace that with caution.

I barely spoke to my SIL in the first 10 years DH and I were together until she had her first child, we'd had a fall out years ago over something she had done and we were civil when we needed to be but didn't ever go out our way to speak. I already had a 2 year old and so when she had her first she often came to me for advice, it brought us closer and although not super close we do talk and we often meet up for playdates with the children. I've never had an apology for why we fell out years ago but tbh it's water under the bridge, I think it's important for cousins to have a relationship so was happy to move on. I suppose it depends how much of a relationship you want your children to have op, and if you're willing to put your feelings aside for that.

The key here is definitely your DH and I would be setting out my stall very clearly there.

Shes been awful to you ever since you’ve known her.
You don’t like her and with damn good reason. She may be family but she’s made it clear she doesn’t like you and now that feeling is of course mutual. And that’s her doing.
You don’t want her around any more than you have to and you don’t want her intruding on your pregnancy or maternity leave. You don’t want to start spending time with someone like this when you have a new baby.
How dare she think SHE can just decide she’s ok with you now and expect you to fall into line? Matching outfits? FUCK OFF.
Id also be pointing out how dismissive and rude all this is towards HIM. She’s so sure of her ability to treat her brother like shit and have him suck it up that she thinks she can reject his wife for years, be really rude, and then just change her mind when she feels like, click her fingers and he and his wife meekly go along with it. Where’s his spine? Where’s the ‘what the fuck do you think you’re doing treating my partner like this?’
All this shows is that she has ZERO respect for either of you. She’s so sure of her position as his sister that she can throw her weight around and expect you both to suck it up.

All of this will hinge on how your DH feels OP and I would push back hard because it’s going to make a major difference, whether the dynamic is him putting your unit first - he should be, he should be furious at her and have distanced himself already - or whether he tries to placate her. Honestly I suspect the latter because that’s how these things usually work - the sibling acts the way they do and is ‘territorial’ because they know they can be and the other sibling will let them get away with it, try and keep the peace.
That’s ok ish when it’s just the two of you and you can direct your own response - quite another when there’s a baby. So nows the crunch point - where you say to him, this is my child as well as yours, and she may be family but I do not want someone around my child who has spent the entire time I’ve known them being hostile to me. And he needs to firmly be on your side and let this be known, and that if his sister does want to build bridges then she’s got some heavy lifting to do.

Even if she was struggling to conceive, she could've said congrats and been happy for her brother and OP. She didn't even acknowledge the news, which is rude. I wouldn't want to suddenly be friends either. OP also mentions that her SIL is domineering and competitive so I imagine SIL will be constantly comparing the cousins and boasting.

She can't win, can she?

It is really nice for your children to be close. I'm far closer to my cousins than my siblings

Focus on that rather than your dislike for her.

I think you're getting more worked up than the situation merits.

You don't need to commit to anything. Meet up as suits you, keep doing it if you enjoy it, find a reason not to if you don't.

You might find you do value having someone with a baby of similar age and that she changes when her baby comes along. You might still find her intolerable. You don't need to decide now.

The 12 years of hostility is enough for you to put down boundaries/be low contact. The not mentioning your pregnancy could be a long list of things - she may have suffered losses and didn’t want to get excited for anyone’s pregnancy until she was certain everything was ok with her own. Nothing more awful than being pregnant at the same time as other women and you suffer a miscarriage, believe me.

Yes she could have totally won by just being a normal friendly human being when she met OP. Instead of a nasty bitch for 12 years.

Definitely do not feel obliged to spend time together on mat leave.

But leave the door open incase you are stuck for company or do become closer over pregnancy.

I wouldn’t confront her. This won’t help imo. I would be friendly and keep her at arms length. Make sure you and your dh are a team. If she is prepared to act hostile for 12 years, I would think she is capable of doing the same to my child as they grow up. Babies don’t stay babies for long and competitiveness may be the least of your worries. However, she may prove herself a decent sil after all. Only time will tell. I’d be quietly optimistic but on my guard.

I think op you don't really know the circumstances around her pregnancy or how she was handling it all if she was very early pregnant at the same time as you. My friend and I were pregnant at the same time, hers went smoothly and I was having regular bleeding and was high risk for miscarriage which was massively anxiety inducing. We were very lucky things went smoothly but few people really know how bad it was because we hadn't announced the pregnancy yet. You also don't know if they've been trying for a while or had other losses so I would put her lack of interest in your pregnancy to one side tbh.

If you don't like her and don't want to spend time with her then don't, be busy and do other things. But realistically your kids will be cousins so it'll be important for them to have that sense of family especially if she is willing to make the effort and let by gones be by gones and does change her approach. I'd just watch and wait and let it wash over you and see if she really has softened a bit or if this is temporary. You can adjust how much you see her to suit you and what you're comfortable with. Sometimes we have to put up with people we don't click with so our kids can have good connections.

Perhaps she’d had a scare with her own pregnancy and things were looking like it might not continue? There are lots of possible scenarios which can cause anxiety early on (spotting, low or slow rising HCG levels, cramping, a scan with no heartbeat yet or measuring behind for dates, etc.). It can hard to be genuinely excited about someone else’s pregnancy in that situation.

Maybe she’s realised life’s too short to be a cow and she wants to turn over a new leaf. Obviously it’s up to you but I’d give her one final chance.

Maybe give her a couple of chances but if any hint of evil sil reoccurs, bin her.

This really is so much easier to type out or to say than it is to do.

It is exactly what you should do.

This was my thought. Flowers in the Attic vibes.

I’m very concerned that I’m now in for a lifetime of comparisons and her being competitive about the children

This is going to happen regardless with them being so close in age.

Give her a chance, it would be nice for the cousins to be close. If it doesn't work out then you've tried.

What, the DIL imprisons the OP in the attic and feeds her poisoned doughnuts?

I’d not change the distance you currently have, you can be polite but you don’t need a new shadow. The cousins can be “close” at common family spaces like grandparents/ family parties. Your husband can facilitate more with his sister if he wants. No need for you to suddenly be besties with her. She’s been unpleasant to you for over a decade and I imagine you’ll have ten future years of “oh but my child is already walking/ oh we didn’t use the dummy/ oh I found breastfeeding easy/ oh you bought that car seat…”

Urghhhhh... I feel you on this!! When I was pregnant with my second DD a neighbour of mine was also pregnant, i think with her first child. We weren't friendly until we both had bumps then she was at my door constantly, suggesting we go out and do things together and go shopping together and all that shite. Then it was "oh look at my travel system" "oh look at this little designer outfit" thank fuck they moved away a wee while later, it's stressful. Protect yourself, OP, and your baby - yes it would be nice for the cousins to grow up together and be close, but that doesn't mean you need to be BFFs with her!

Just for some balance on the whole 'wonderful to have cousins' narrative, mine are fucking awful like their parents, and my life is much improved by not needing to see any of them now I'm an adult!

No kid needs to be put in a situation where they are constantly put in competition and compared with another child or forced to be together.

It’s like you’re useful to her now so you suddenly exist.

Be too busy with your real mum friends.

@Lavenderqueeny if she’s always been hostile and obviously so, just be straight with her

”why are you being nice to me now, when the entire time I’ve known you you’ve gone out of your way to make it very clear that you think I’m something you’ve stepped in.

i hope our kids will be close, it’s nice when family looks out for you, but you and I have nothing in common other than marriage and I’m not about to forget all the awful things you’ve said/done, just because you’re pregnant at the same time as me. Of course if you’re prepared to own your behaviour and apologise and make amends, that’s different but I don’t trust you until I’ve seen real change”

You have nothing to lose by stating your boundaries and telling her you see her for what she is.

My advice is keep baby talk to neutral subjects. Do not discuss baby names what ever you pick she will want. Make sure DH is onboard.

WRT matching baby outfits say nothing - there is no obligation to wear something you are given. I would at some point subtly drop into the conversation how you hate matching sibling outfits.