To feel really upset with my 5 year old

[Dumbleydork]

I know he's only 5, but honestly I could cry this evening. In fact I have and I feel so pathetic.

DS has been hassling me for weeks about putting him in this sports club. He did a trial a few weeks ago and loved it, so really wanted to go back. I was reluctant, because I didn't want to spend more money and it's a right pain to get to after school, particularly when working full time. But, he loved it, so after checking constantly over the past 2 weeks, I booked him on it. I've paid for the rest of the month (along with an extra £20 for some t-shirt...), and he left today going "actually, I don't want to go anymore. I've changed my mind." This is after I've paid. Fuming.

Anyways, that isn't what's really upset me. Apparently the reason he doesn't want to go is because at the end, they do a fun "race to your parent for a hug". He didn't want to hug me. I then asked "well if Daddy took you would you want to go", and he said "I like hugging daddy he's my best friend." He couldn't explain why he didn't want to hug me. He wasn't emotional about it, actually quite cold!

I have a great relationship with my DS, at least I thought he did, but he never wants to hug me anymore or give me a kiss or show me any sort of affection. Yesterday he told me Daddy is awesome and so much fun and I'm boring.

What's also really infuriating is when I asked "why don't you want to hug me?" and "are there other reasons you don't want to go back"... he just said "erm, ermmmm, erm, I don't know", followed by "I forgot." He always says this when I try and get him to explain how he feels. I know he's only, 5 but I want to understand what he's feeling and he can never tell me. Is this normal?

I think I'm particularly emotional about this because I try so hard. We have an 8 month old baby, I work full time but really long days just to make sure I can take him to the activities he wants to go to, and be there with him to play after school and sort dinner etc. I'm exhausted just trying to fit it all in. I know this sounds so stupid but, I just want my son to enjoy spending time with me. Or at the very least, be able to say more than "I don't know" when I ask him about his feelings 🥺

Poor you, you sound tired out. Take a deep breath, it's really normal at that age for kids to have a preference for one parent or other. It sucks for the non-favourite parent, and it can really hit a nerve, but the best thing is to act like it's no big deal, remember that it will pass.

As for expressing his feelings, you've got to take the pressure off! "I forgot" means "I don't think I want to talk about this because I'm worried i'll upset you". Get your other half to give you a big hug instead.

How was he before the baby came along? Do you think he's a bit jealous as you are doing a lot with a newborn so his Dad is now his go to parent.
I'm sure he loves you just as much as he always did. This sounds completely normal.

Aww it's completely due to the baby op. He's also going through a huge change and you being his safe space for so long, well he's lashing out. Really don't take it so personally as I'm sure many will tell you the same.

Surely just tell him he doesn't have to hug you at the end? I get it's upsetting but you can't put that onto him. He's too young to understand or articulate why he feels that way so you just need to take the pressure off. It's just a phase.

Totally normal at that age. You’re his mum, your love is taken for granted and isn’t something he needs to think about because it’s there unconditionally. Don’t try and get him to quantify his love for you.

Have you taught him how to speak about emotions and not just the good ones? If he doesn’t have the words to describe his feelings then he’s not going to be able to tell you anything. One of mine needs to do other things while having difficult conversations so I give him space to do that when I’m talking to him about how he feels.

Normal, OP. I read somewhere that they push away the parent they are the most secure with when they start wanting a bit of independence.

It will 99% be due to the new baby, even if he seems fine or like he has adjusted. Mine was younger but was just a fuming ball of rage at me for well over a year. Loved her brother, loved daddy and everyone else but was cross at me.

They should not say to anyone .. race to your parents for an hug.
You should never make a child hug anyone..
A child should be asked.
Not all children like hugging.
But I'm sure this is a phase.. kids swap and change like the weather.

My 5 year old DD changes her mind constantly about her clubs. We ended up taking her every week because we have paid for it and she loved it, trying to teach her that when you make a commitment, you follow it though. And she ends up loving it and doesn't stop talking about it. But for a long time we went through the same thing, she would say she didn't want to go but when we got there she was happy to go in and loved it.

As for not hugging, dd constantly tells me she misses daddy and wants daddy more than me. One day she even said "I don't even really like you" but then when she is with DH she gets fed up and says she wants mummy. Kids a fickle. Try not to let it bother you.

Oh I did don't worry, I didn't act the same emotional mess with him that I am here! I reassured him he didn't have to hug me, and I've always said to him he never has to hug people if he doesn't want to (applies to family members when we see them). I just never thought it would apply to me! I did then ask "why don't you want to hug me?", but in a really casual way... but perhaps that wasn't the right thing to do! I just thought maybe there was a feeling he wanted to express and I was trying to give him an opportunity to. I don't know, but I definitely didn't put any pressure on.

A child should never be told he has to hug someone.
Also it's not unusual for young children to say I don't know when asked.why they don't like something. It's hard to explain feelings at that age. I think you are expecting too much from him and taking what he is saying much too personally.

He sounds totally normal. He’s probably on some level feeling a degree of irrational resentment at you probably having spent so much time with the new baby lately. All super normal, he loves you.

Oh I really wasn't trying to do that. I was trying to keep it really casual when I asked, with zero emotion in it (I've saved all that for here!), but I think I got that wrong then. I'm just still holding on to when he showered with me with affection and struggling a bit to accept he doesn't do that now

@Dumbleydork sounds like you've done and said all the right things then. I'm sure it's just because of the baby and it'll pass. Does his dad spend more time with him than you because you're busy with the baby? It's just natural that this will happen. He'll adjust to the new normal soon I'm sure :)

Tell him you've paid now so he has to go for the time you have paid for. Afterwards he can stop if he wants. He'll probably end up loving it.

Sympathies, my daughter gave up on Brownies a day after I'd bought the full get up... 🙄

My son used to tell me quite often he 'loved daddy a bit more than mummy now' when he was around that age, I think it's probably pretty normal. From 7 I started winning again😆

He’s 5. He’s very unlikely to be able to casually tell you how he’s feeling - a lot of adults couldn’t do that!

The crux of your post was sort of dropped in like an afterthought - you’ve got an 8 month old. They changed his life. I’m sure he’ll love them completely and they’ll be the best of friends soon enough but right now, it’s absolutely normal that he’s a bit on edge and jealous, and that he’s finding it strange to “share” you.

The club… if he doesn’t want to go and it’s inconvenient for you to take him, I’d probably write it off.

@meltedchocolateandstrawberries yeah his dad is spending a lot more time with him and doing his bedtime more often, which I think is also why I'm reacting this way. I feel like I'm losing him, because so much of my time is being spent with the baby.

I didn't really think the baby was the reason because he absolutely adores him and I've tried really hard to keep a normal routine going for him, so he's never seemed at all jealous or upset. But maybe?!

Urgh, five year olds. So adept at finding the phrasing that really gets to the heart of your own worries. It sounds completely normal based on DS1, but I find it incredibly tough, so solidarity.

You're overthinking this. Take a few smarties with you for him afterwards and tell him they're for your special boy, because he's doing so well at the club and he gives the best hugs, even if he doesn't want to hug you just at that moment.

Someone told me that when they love us less, we have to love them more. Corny imo, but there's some truth in it.

I agree this is almost certainly about the change in dynamics with the baby. I also think you need to tell him he has to continue going for the time you've paid for. You don't want to set up a habit of him always wanting to start these things then dropping out as soon as you pay.

I would tell him he doesn't have to hug you but he does have to attend the class he bugged you to sign him up for, until the end of term.

He's 5.

He doesn't have the capacity to explain why.

Give him a break. It's not about you, it's about him