To feel really upset with my 5 year old

[Dumbleydork]

I know he's only 5, but honestly I could cry this evening. In fact I have and I feel so pathetic.

DS has been hassling me for weeks about putting him in this sports club. He did a trial a few weeks ago and loved it, so really wanted to go back. I was reluctant, because I didn't want to spend more money and it's a right pain to get to after school, particularly when working full time. But, he loved it, so after checking constantly over the past 2 weeks, I booked him on it. I've paid for the rest of the month (along with an extra £20 for some t-shirt...), and he left today going "actually, I don't want to go anymore. I've changed my mind." This is after I've paid. Fuming.

Anyways, that isn't what's really upset me. Apparently the reason he doesn't want to go is because at the end, they do a fun "race to your parent for a hug". He didn't want to hug me. I then asked "well if Daddy took you would you want to go", and he said "I like hugging daddy he's my best friend." He couldn't explain why he didn't want to hug me. He wasn't emotional about it, actually quite cold!

I have a great relationship with my DS, at least I thought he did, but he never wants to hug me anymore or give me a kiss or show me any sort of affection. Yesterday he told me Daddy is awesome and so much fun and I'm boring.

What's also really infuriating is when I asked "why don't you want to hug me?" and "are there other reasons you don't want to go back"... he just said "erm, ermmmm, erm, I don't know", followed by "I forgot." He always says this when I try and get him to explain how he feels. I know he's only, 5 but I want to understand what he's feeling and he can never tell me. Is this normal?

I think I'm particularly emotional about this because I try so hard. We have an 8 month old baby, I work full time but really long days just to make sure I can take him to the activities he wants to go to, and be there with him to play after school and sort dinner etc. I'm exhausted just trying to fit it all in. I know this sounds so stupid but, I just want my son to enjoy spending time with me. Or at the very least, be able to say more than "I don't know" when I ask him about his feelings 🥺

Tell him he can race to ' high five ' you at the end. Doesn't have to be a hug

@TippedOverTheGravyJug that's a great idea, thank you. I'll suggest that to him tomorrow. He does also "run to hug" me whilst I'm holding the baby, so I might try and leave the baby next week, suggest the "run to high-five" and see how that goes!

Because it is putting pressure on a child to show physical intimacy when they may not want to do that. Children should never be made to feel responsible for the feelings of an adult. By respecting your child’s boundaries and not placing such expectations on them, they will grow up better equipped not to accept abuse in relationships or anywhere else.

Just asking why he didn’t want to hug you is a loaded question with pressure in it. Don’t make him responsible for your emotional wellbeing. He obviously feels secure enough to verbalise how he’s feeling towards you. Try not to take it personally.

Awwwww I’m sure he loves you loads! It’s a phase, I’d feel the same as you but just ignore for now. For what it’s worth our ds, 22, gave very ‘lukewarm’ hugs for more than 10 years (never made him) and now he’s graduated from University gives me hugs that take my breath away (literally!)

Its a weird age and the baby prob has something to do with it. We are a 1 child family and DD always talked about wanting a sibling... 5 years old and she kept seeking reassurance we wouldn't be having a second. Kids are fickle, hang in there.

@Dumbleydork if it helps, when she was around that age DD told me she knows magic isn't real when we were doing a silly wish on a dandelion/eyelash thing. I asked what made her say that. She promptly replied with "Because I wished another time for a better mummy and it hasn't come true. So magic isn't real.". My heart fucking broke ,but I kept it breezy and smiley while asking a few more questions so she didn't feel put on the spot. I also told her I'm sorry she feels that way , since she is the best daughter anyone could wish for and we'll see what we can do about it. She wasn't totally wrong tbh as what she disliked was how stressed and rushed I was all the time .

She's 13 now and cringes every time i tell her that story as apparently I'm the best mum ever. I even have a mug that says that.

I'm not Notreat, but I have a view on this too. It's about body autonomy, personal space, and safeguarding. Children should not be physically touched when they don't want to be. It is dangerous to teach children that if an adult tells them to touch them they must do it. I think a lot of us remember as children kissing relatives and hating it but having no choice because we were raised to obey adults. And some of us had worse things happen because of this same reason.

Ask yourself if your DCs want to touch, or be touched, by their grandmother, or are they only doing it because it is expected of them? And how would they react if another adult asked for a hug?

I think 5 is old enough that maybe he might just have felt a bit self conscious/ put on the spot by the whole running for a hug thing and was covering up his embarrassment? I don’t know but it sounds like fairly typical five yo behaviour to me, they can really push your buttons sometimes.

He's only 5. When he says "I forgot" he basically means "I don't have the vocabulary to express it or the ability to analyse my own feelings".

Do the high five thing. Everything will work out in time.

And 5 year olds don't really understand money either, so the fact that you've paid a month in advance will be a bit much to grasp.

I dont even think it's due to new baby, kids are so flippant, my 5 year old daughter has said twice today she wants to go and live with her dad (who she normally cries about going to sleepover with) because I've told her no to something. I remember all of mine doing similar at this age. It's just something they say in the moment and don't mean when they can't explain their feeling so try not to take it personally!

This place is wild.
No, I clearly didn't invoice my 5yo. I literally said not seriously. Where is she going to acquire money from???

But I discussed it with her before paying and she said yes she wanted to do another term of ballet, and that she knew she couldn't bail once I'd paid. She is a total mercenary and really likes having some coins to spend in charity shops, car boot sales etc so yes, money is meaningful to her. My point was that 5yos change their minds like the breeze - OP's kid doesn't want to go to sports club BC he didn't feel like hugging his mum; mine doesn't like to go to ballet because the teacher has banned sweets beforehand since it makes the kids crazy. They are old enough to be introduced to the concept of sticking it out.

He could be a little jealous that you're giving the baby a lot of attention or it could just be a phase.
I remember when I was about 5, telling my mum I loved my dad more than her and that he was really funny and nice. It was definitely a phase and I've always been really close to my mum. I couldn't love her anymore than I do.

A normal little boy. Do not comment if he says he does not want to hug you - just laugh and say "Well, I'll have to have a hug with Dad then!"

As to the activity - children often want to do something then go off it (applies to music lessons a lot!). They do not grasp the financial aspect or the concept of commitment at that age,

Treat it casually - don't make a big deal of any of it. He is dealing with the world as a 5 year old does.

Because DH also works full time away from home, so leaving the baby with someone else requires my mum to drive a half hour at a time that clashes with something she does each week. Does that answer your question sufficiently? How about try and help rather than looking for every possible opportunity to criticise.

It's more than likely a phase op. Dad's are usually seen as more fun and their dcs "buddy". Mum makes you eat healthy, take baths, go to bed on time, etc. I wouldn't worry so much about it. I have a 6 month dd and 5 year old ds as well. Its tough. I always ask first if I'd like a hug or kiss from ds, if he refuses "Well that's ok! Maybe later you'll feel like a cuddle." It's more important to me to teach him he's allowed to say no to people about invading his private space than me getting a hug. No worries op he'll grow out of it.

Poor little boy. You are projecting your insecurity and guilt onto him. No way should he have to explain who he gives hugs to. At 5, children do this, or don't instinctively.
You may think he 'adores' his new sibling but his world has been turned upside down. Do you do anything 1 on 1 with him without the baby there? If you don't now is time to start.

@HcbSS yes I do try, we have certain activities that are just a "me and him" thing we do at the weekend, as I was quite conscious of that.

I think I was just really low yesterday and so knackered that I completely lost perspective. I'm not perfect, and I'm learning every day. I'm going to do things wrong, it's just nice to come here for a bit of support rather than be told I'm damaging my child.

I spoke to DS this morning. I said we'll keep going for the time I've paid at least, and that he's a fantastic high-fiver so if he'd rather do that, it sounds great to me. He was very keen to do that instead and is now excited to go back, so thank you to everyone who suggested that. It's a small thing but clearly made all the difference, so for that I'm really appreciative

You are allowed to get things wrong sometimes - all parents do. We all reconsider something we have done and wish we could have done better - it goes with the territory!

I am so pleased you have found a middle way that he is happy with and that he will keep on going - well done.

OP I feel for you.

two kids, working full time, harassed - I am
the same (kids are 6 and 10 though).

the juggle is endless, the kids can be ungrateful and hurtful at times without realising it. Your feelings are your feelings and children know how to push your buttons!

sending a big hug

That is good that you are prioritising that time just you and him (so many mothers don't and just expect their kid to be fine with being palmed off while they deal with the baby). Good for you for not taking that approach! He sounds very normal and he will come round. He has had huge changes in a year. New sibling, starting school.
TBF not sure I like this activity of running to hug a parent. It sounds a bit like teaching a puppy recall.

@ThisNaiceLemonSloth your points are valid, but your communication style is pretty combative. Because of that, you don't come across particularly helpful. You could have offered the same advice in more sympathetic manner, given I was really struggling last night. If you compare your comments with other people's, you'll see what I mean.

Nevertheless, I'll take your points on board. Perhaps you can do the same.