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Original poster

To feel really upset with my 5 year old

84 replies

Dumbleydork · 20/06/2024 18:43

I know he's only 5, but honestly I could cry this evening. In fact I have and I feel so pathetic.

DS has been hassling me for weeks about putting him in this sports club. He did a trial a few weeks ago and loved it, so really wanted to go back. I was reluctant, because I didn't want to spend more money and it's a right pain to get to after school, particularly when working full time. But, he loved it, so after checking constantly over the past 2 weeks, I booked him on it. I've paid for the rest of the month (along with an extra £20 for some t-shirt...), and he left today going "actually, I don't want to go anymore. I've changed my mind." This is after I've paid. Fuming.

Anyways, that isn't what's really upset me. Apparently the reason he doesn't want to go is because at the end, they do a fun "race to your parent for a hug". He didn't want to hug me. I then asked "well if Daddy took you would you want to go", and he said "I like hugging daddy he's my best friend." He couldn't explain why he didn't want to hug me. He wasn't emotional about it, actually quite cold!

I have a great relationship with my DS, at least I thought he did, but he never wants to hug me anymore or give me a kiss or show me any sort of affection. Yesterday he told me Daddy is awesome and so much fun and I'm boring.

What's also really infuriating is when I asked "why don't you want to hug me?" and "are there other reasons you don't want to go back"... he just said "erm, ermmmm, erm, I don't know", followed by "I forgot." He always says this when I try and get him to explain how he feels. I know he's only, 5 but I want to understand what he's feeling and he can never tell me. Is this normal?

I think I'm particularly emotional about this because I try so hard. We have an 8 month old baby, I work full time but really long days just to make sure I can take him to the activities he wants to go to, and be there with him to play after school and sort dinner etc. I'm exhausted just trying to fit it all in. I know this sounds so stupid but, I just want my son to enjoy spending time with me. Or at the very least, be able to say more than "I don't know" when I ask him about his feelings 🥺

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 20/06/2024 19:27

meltedchocolateandstrawberries · 20/06/2024 18:55

Surely just tell him he doesn't have to hug you at the end? I get it's upsetting but you can't put that onto him. He's too young to understand or articulate why he feels that way so you just need to take the pressure off. It's just a phase.

Yes to this.

Lammveg · 20/06/2024 19:35

I agree with PP he still needs to go to the activity as you've signed him up now but he doesn't need to hug you at the end.

Really hard OP, even when you understand that they're only 5 and are adjusting to a newish baby.

Tell me why these kids know how to break you down with one sentence lol

Original poster
Dumbleydork · 20/06/2024 19:36

Goldbar · 20/06/2024 19:21

You're overthinking this. Take a few smarties with you for him afterwards and tell him they're for your special boy, because he's doing so well at the club and he gives the best hugs, even if he doesn't want to hug you just at that moment.

Someone told me that when they love us less, we have to love them more. Corny imo, but there's some truth in it.

That's actually really sweet. And I like the smarties idea. Thanks @Goldbar 🙂

OP posts:
ThisNaiceLemonSloth · 20/06/2024 19:41

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LakesideInn · 20/06/2024 19:42

Agree it will be about the baby no matter how much he loves his sibling. And that he should continue with the club.

But could you offer a high five or fist bump instead of a hug?

jennywren08 · 20/06/2024 19:43

Op we had a new baby recently and my nearly 4 yo told me she loves her key worker at nursery more than me the other day 🤣 you are not alone! They don't mean it

whereistheplot · 20/06/2024 19:48

My 4yo went through the exact same thing when my now 15 month old was around 8 months old, apparently it's quite common at the 8 month mark because that's when it hits most children that the new baby is actually a permanent fixture after all. Don't stress about it too much op, shower him with love as much as you possibly can, he'll come out the other side soon

MalarkeyBollocks · 20/06/2024 19:49

I had a close, snuggly and giggly relationship with my DS, but he definitely migrated more to my DH when his little sister arrived. I felt incredibly sad that I’d lost the bond we had, but they honestly do come back to you. I now have the most fabulous and close relationship with him … even though he’s a teenager! I remember reading at the time that it’s quite usual for boys to favour male role models at that age. But it’ll change. Hang in there!

IAlwaysTellTheTruthEvenWhenILie · 20/06/2024 19:59

Ah op I was really feeling for you and then read about your little baby, it's definitely the baby. I went through a phase of this with my son. He was younger than yours but we had some distance for a while and it really upset me (he was 2.5 when his brother came along and suddenly his dad was doing so much more with him). He absolutely adored and still adores his brother but I could feel distance with us. I just kept reiterating I loved him, tried to spend that one on one time with him, when he said things like I want daddy ( which had never happened before), I just said ok darling, I'll get daddy, I love you. Even though I felt so sad inside. I'd make baby "wait" so I could attend to ds1, I just kept persevering.
Little brother is 17 months old now and my bond with my first is back to how it was! He's a mummy's boy again :) hang in there ,op. It takes them a while to adjust and as baby gets older, it'll change again.

clja · 20/06/2024 20:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

@ThisNaiceLemonSloth what?

@Dumbleydork hope you have ignored this ridiculous comment. Obviously you are not putting emotional baggage on your child by asking him why he doesn’t want to hug you. It is good for him to be encouraged to talk about his feelings.

clja · 20/06/2024 20:02

And yes I agree it’s the baby… your ds will get used to it x

Frangipanyoul8r · 20/06/2024 20:02

Just tell him he has to go to the club because you’ve paid for it now. And that he never has to hug anyone he doesn’t want to. And that you’ll love him just as much whether he wants to hug you or not.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 20/06/2024 20:02

If this was my ds he would definitely be going to that club if I'd paid for it! If at the end of the course he didn't want to go back then fair enough but he'd be going to the classes I'd paid for.

5yos are fickle, I wouldn't worry about the cuddle comment.

Bumblebeeinatree · 20/06/2024 20:03

Tell him to run and shake your hand, no need to hug if he doesn't want to, kids get funny about these things.

ladycarlotta · 20/06/2024 20:13

for what it's worth, I have a 5yo and no baby to divert attention from her, and she still thinks the sun shines out of her dad's arse.
It is hard to cope with when they favour one parent over another, especially when you are working so hard for them, but I try to console myself that my daughter feels totally secure in my constancy - if I am a boring, reliable presence for her then I'm probably getting something right, as demoralising as it feels in the moment. I'm certain that you are too. The wheel will turn and there will be a time at some point when your son thinks that you're the bees knees and his dad will be the one left out in the cold. So it goes.

Also, re paying for clubs I FEEL YOU. Daughter decided she didn't want to do ballet any more (previously loved it) after I shelled out for a full term. She relented and has been going in happily for most of the term but recently remembered she doesn't want to go so I've told her that I'll be invoicing her for the remaining 5 lessons if she refuses to attend. Not really seriously but she quite likes money and what it can buy, and is shocked that the £30+ she is proposing to waste could have bought her quite a lot of other things she likes.

nutbrownhare15 · 20/06/2024 20:16

My five year old regularly tells me I'm the worst mummy in the world, that she hates me, but then she says it to her dad too. I know she doesn't mean it and I don't take it personally, she's just acting out how she's feeling at the time. It will be a phase and yes linked to the baby.

Didimum · 20/06/2024 20:21

Dumbleydork · 20/06/2024 19:04

Oh I really wasn't trying to do that. I was trying to keep it really casual when I asked, with zero emotion in it (I've saved all that for here!), but I think I got that wrong then. I'm just still holding on to when he showered with me with affection and struggling a bit to accept he doesn't do that now

Show quote history

While you shouldn’t tell them off for things like that, I very much dislike the ‘don’t put your emotional baggage on your kids’ line.

Actually, sometimes they should learn that their words can hurt and begin to think about what words may hurt others.

Anyway, this is very normal, OP. My 6yr old twins much prefer daddy to me! It does sting when you’re sacrificing so much.

Oh, and absolutely insist he is doing the sports club for the period you paid for. They have to learn to take responsibility for this too. Your effort and your money aren’t to his whims.

HollyKnight · 20/06/2024 20:28

Would "race to your parent for a hug" mean running to you and the baby? His behaviour does sound quite typical for a young child trying to adjust to the changes a new sibling brings to his life. He just doesn't understand that it is necessary, and not just a choice, to spend less time with him.

Gymmum82 · 20/06/2024 20:33

I don’t allow mine to just give up clubs I’ve paid for. I tell them well I’ve paid now so you have to go until the money runs out.
Usually by then they actually realise they do enjoy it and want to continue.

The hugging thing is normal. Probably because of the baby or because he doesn’t see daddy as often as he sees you so he’s more on a pedestal. He’ll change

Pickled21 · 20/06/2024 20:35

Change things up re your routine with baby in the evening. If your partner is home then get him to take over so you can do your bedtime routine with your son. Cuddle up in bed and read to him. If you work full time then maybe do this 3 or 4 times a week. Don't be so hard on yourself, it's often just a phase. My 2 year old dd often tells me she loves daddy best , I don't take it to heart. Anytime she's ill or wakes up in the night it's mummy she wants then (mores the pity).

Onomatofear · 20/06/2024 20:40

At this age, he won’t understand things from an adult perspective and it’s therefore unreasonable of you to expect him to appreciate things like money you already spent etc.

Why are you taking this personally? You cannot make your child responsible for how you feel - he didn’t ask to be born and it’s your job to nurture him, not the other way around. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you must try your hardest not to give him emotional baggage which stunts his development and causes him problems later on.

INeedAPensieve · 20/06/2024 20:41

Notreat · 20/06/2024 19:02

A child should never be told he has to hug someone.
Also it's not unusual for young children to say I don't know when asked.why they don't like something. It's hard to explain feelings at that age. I think you are expecting too much from him and taking what he is saying much too personally.

Show quote history

Hi @Notreat I'm just wondering, sorry if this is a daft question, but what is the reasoning behind that suggestion? That a child should never be told to hug? I've never thought about that question properly before you said that, and have suddenly realised that my MIL asks both my DCs to give her a hug all the time! I've never given that a moments thought before. They oblige, but should I say something?
I think she would be angry and hurt if I asked her not to say that, so it might cause an argument if I do. So much so that even if I don't mention this, I'd like to understand the psychology behind why asking for a hug is bad. Genuine question, no tone or cheekiness behind this, I promise. I just want to know, thanks!

ZippyDenimBear · 20/06/2024 20:42

Keep going with love. It all sorts itself out, honestly x

Onomatofear · 20/06/2024 20:44

ladycarlotta · 20/06/2024 20:13

for what it's worth, I have a 5yo and no baby to divert attention from her, and she still thinks the sun shines out of her dad's arse.
It is hard to cope with when they favour one parent over another, especially when you are working so hard for them, but I try to console myself that my daughter feels totally secure in my constancy - if I am a boring, reliable presence for her then I'm probably getting something right, as demoralising as it feels in the moment. I'm certain that you are too. The wheel will turn and there will be a time at some point when your son thinks that you're the bees knees and his dad will be the one left out in the cold. So it goes.

Also, re paying for clubs I FEEL YOU. Daughter decided she didn't want to do ballet any more (previously loved it) after I shelled out for a full term. She relented and has been going in happily for most of the term but recently remembered she doesn't want to go so I've told her that I'll be invoicing her for the remaining 5 lessons if she refuses to attend. Not really seriously but she quite likes money and what it can buy, and is shocked that the £30+ she is proposing to waste could have bought her quite a lot of other things she likes.

You told your 5 year old that you would invoice her? Really? At this age it’s normal for them to suddenly decide they don’t like ballet. It’s not your daughter’s fault that you had paid for a full term.

Icanttakethisanymore · 20/06/2024 20:45

I’m sorry you’re upset OP, of course he loves you and will want to hug you again one day soon. I gave a 3 yr old snd s 7 month old DS3 seems to have really taken to DS7mth but he still really acts out sometimes and can even be aggressive towards him. Emotions aren’t easy for them and he may well be struggling with the transition to life as a family if 4.

It’ll get better, you’re doing a great job.