To feel really upset with my 5 year old

[Dumbleydork]

I know he's only 5, but honestly I could cry this evening. In fact I have and I feel so pathetic.

DS has been hassling me for weeks about putting him in this sports club. He did a trial a few weeks ago and loved it, so really wanted to go back. I was reluctant, because I didn't want to spend more money and it's a right pain to get to after school, particularly when working full time. But, he loved it, so after checking constantly over the past 2 weeks, I booked him on it. I've paid for the rest of the month (along with an extra £20 for some t-shirt...), and he left today going "actually, I don't want to go anymore. I've changed my mind." This is after I've paid. Fuming.

Anyways, that isn't what's really upset me. Apparently the reason he doesn't want to go is because at the end, they do a fun "race to your parent for a hug". He didn't want to hug me. I then asked "well if Daddy took you would you want to go", and he said "I like hugging daddy he's my best friend." He couldn't explain why he didn't want to hug me. He wasn't emotional about it, actually quite cold!

I have a great relationship with my DS, at least I thought he did, but he never wants to hug me anymore or give me a kiss or show me any sort of affection. Yesterday he told me Daddy is awesome and so much fun and I'm boring.

What's also really infuriating is when I asked "why don't you want to hug me?" and "are there other reasons you don't want to go back"... he just said "erm, ermmmm, erm, I don't know", followed by "I forgot." He always says this when I try and get him to explain how he feels. I know he's only, 5 but I want to understand what he's feeling and he can never tell me. Is this normal?

I think I'm particularly emotional about this because I try so hard. We have an 8 month old baby, I work full time but really long days just to make sure I can take him to the activities he wants to go to, and be there with him to play after school and sort dinner etc. I'm exhausted just trying to fit it all in. I know this sounds so stupid but, I just want my son to enjoy spending time with me. Or at the very least, be able to say more than "I don't know" when I ask him about his feelings 🥺

Just tell him he can race to high five you instead of hugging if he likes.

I'd try not to worry about the hugging thing. He's probably struggling with his feelings about the baby. Give it time.

He is five, and at that age they can be a bit brutal with their comments.

Glad you him excited about the high five. I have a sixteen year old and have had a few years of high fives to eye rolls back to amazing hugs 🤗.

He just caught you in a low moment. Now you didn't ask but do try and take a tiny amount of me time. You can't pour from an empty cup. It really helps us keep all the balls juggling.💐

He's 5.
You don't give him the option of wether he wants to continue. You tell him you've paid for it now so he will be going until the term you've paid for is done at least
You also don't pit emotional pressure on him to hug you or ask him about how he feels about you. It's confusing for a child. They sometimes favour one parent over the other at points in early childhood and that's natural. It's not something you need to feel bad about or try to sort out. He doesn't have the insight at his age to understand why he feels that way. Trying to discuss it will only frighten and confuse him. Just don't react to it. If he doesn't want to hug you just say that's fine and move on. You are creating an issue.
He's your eldest so I guess you wouldn't have experience of this at this age before. Anyone who has had multiple children will tell you it's really common. You don't need to worry. Just don't make a big deal out of it. He takes his lead from you.. so if you emotionally react he will start getting stressed. This is maybe why he says daddy is 'fun' it's maybe that he feels less pressure and guilt regarding hugging daddy.
I think you've fallen into treating your son like he's older than he is.

@Alwaysgothiccups yep I think you're spot on, especially where you say I've fallen into treating him older than he is. A lot to learn, but he's my eldest so I am experiencing it all for the first time! I can see where I've put pressure on, so going to be channelling a new chilled out version going forward!

@Dumbleydork you sound like a good mum and I didn't mean to come across as harsh as I said. Those of us who respond a bit emotively are probably reacting to our own childhoods.

I think that your son gravitates more towards his dad atm because your dh works away. Things will change in time.

None of us are perfect it's true.

I was going to say this too. Don't take it personally. He now has to share you and isn't sure about it. He'll come around and as baby gets older you'll be able to spend more time with him 121

OP, don't take it personally. It'll be because of the baby.
When DD2 came along, DD1 suddenly when cold on me and only wanted her dad. She was horrific to me and constantly hitting, kicking and screaming at me and would tell me that she doesn't love me, only daddy.

I found it hard to be around her and felt so rejected and upset but understood that she had big emotions about having a new sibling and didn't have the maturity to handle those emotions.

It took about 18 months to go back to normal and now we're 5 years on and she's an angel again.

Hang in there xx

@Dumbleydork

Oh parenting is bloody hard isn't it. I'd not make a big deal about him saying he doesn't want to go, don't mention it and then next week just take him again. They have short memories at that age and will forget if you dont remind them.

You've just brought back a memory of me doing this kind of thing to my own poor mum as a child. I'm trying to now articulate as an adult why I was doing it.

I knew my mum loved me but I craved my dads attention and always felt like he preferred my brothers. My mum was always there and did everything for us. My dad wasn't exactly NOT there - he just worked full time.

I think part of me thought that by saying mean things about my mum and saying nice things about my dad, my dad and I would become better "friends" and he would do more things with me and be around more. (again he wasn't an absent father by any means but I didn't feel quite as sure if his unconditional love).

I remember being about 6 and I was an awful sleeper. I used to want my mum to lie there while I fell asleep. When she tried to leave I'd cry (sobbing my heart out) and call for her every night which (rightly or wrongly) she responded to and she'd lie next to me while I fell asleep each night.

I remember one night telling her I didn't want her and I just wanted Daddy. I then hear him coming up the stairs and I look at my bedroom door, eyes wide, grin on my face, so happy my dad is about to do the delightful nighttime routine of lying there for hours. Of course instead he was just angry I wasn't behaving and going to sleep and instantly had no patience for me. He'd basically just come up to tell me off.

I was genuinely surprised by this. It hadn't actually occurred to me yet that my mum might not enjoy lying next to me for hours while I went to sleep. It hadn't occurred to me that she'd rather be doing something else. I was so sure of her and how much she loved me that I had somehow assumed she enjoyed it too. That she enjoyed everything with me. It hadn't even really occurred to me that she'd be sad when I was mean to her.

That's not intended to be a sob story. Of course I should have been able to go to sleep on my own at that age and of course its fine that it was expected of me. I know the majority would think my mum was being too soft with me and perhaps she was.

But at that age I was suddenly really becoming aware of and testing out what my parents love for me meant and how it differed to other relationships like friendships at school. I was only just realising that when they played with me with my toys it was for my benefit and that adults didn't enjoy toys like kids did.

Back to being mean, there was also a sense of wanting to experiment with my mums love. She was always there so unconditionally and I sort of wanted to see, in a curious way, what would happen if I was mean and whether she would still be my "friend".

Obviously I'm trying to put adult words to child feelings that I'm remembering through the filter of many years later.

I am incredibly close to my mum as an adult. I'm constantly telling her how wonderful she is. I see her all the time and I terribly dread having to live without her one day. She is absolutely the most positive influence in my life.

Not saying that it's anything to do with your DH or even the same reasoning as I had. Just saying that it could be lots of things and kid logic often doesn't make sense! I'd bank on the reason he's comfortable doing this is because he knows how unconditionally you love him.

Sorry you're getting a hammering here. I think it's fine to feel sad privately. Yes maybe ideally you'd have said this instead of that or whatever but you're human! All parents make mistakes. It sounds like you've dealt with it well and been kind.