Single mums help me!

[Littlechesnuttree]

I’ve cross posted because I’m desperate and I’ve literally no where to turn

So my husband of 7 years went on holiday and never came back (3 weeks ago, not dead just a shithead).

he’s left me with 2 young children. 4 and 2. I work full time. New role in probation strict 3 day in office rule.

im fucking drowning. I need to work to live. I need to be up at 6 to get breakfast before school and get ready for work myself. Im doing the bare min house wise meaning it’s all pilling up, like clean laundry etc. I tidy kitchen and kids tear apart lounge. I have no one, no village, no family (see other thread for dm situation). I’m not getting to bed before midnight most nights, I get back at 6 from work, get kids, reheat dinner, by the time they’ve tantrumed and then eaten it’s nearly 7. Then the bedtime routine, books, bath, tidying etc and then bed at 8/8:30

then I normally have to finish work I’ve not done in the day and then I need to properly clean up, sort food for the next day and before I know it it’s 11pm or later.

honestly I’m drowning

how do single mums handle it and work full time?

please if you’re a troll or love a pile on please don’t here, I feel so very fragile

OP are you on a decent wage? Lone parent for 15 years here.

Low £50ks so about 3k after tax and deductions but looks like im responsible for everything now

Talk us through current childcare situation etc and honestly they do not need a bath every night.

Sending solidarity to you! It's particularly hard when kids are pre-school. I was solo from when mine was a baby, which made it a lot easier as i could plan ahead! You've had this dumped on you very suddenly, so it's no wonder you're in chaos at the moment.

You will honestly, honestly, find your routine and it will settle down. If ypu possibly can, i'd suggest dropping a day a week short term, just so you can catch up with yourself (although i know others will disagree). You can absolutely do this longer term. It's just you're in a shocked and crisis state ATM

Firstly check what you are entitled to - especially if you dropped a day - you should be able to claim some support with childcare if nothing else

It sucks OP - my youngest was under 6mths when I became a lone parent of 3 - can you get signed off with stress for a week or so so you can get sorted?

Seriously lower your standards no-one needs a bath every night

Audio books batch cook meals remove toys let them play with a box at a time when they are finished get them to throw it all in the box lid on job done

Laundry can be farmed out there are still laundrettes about pay for a big bag wash and dry all at once some places even offer ironing

Do you have space for a dishwasher? Even a "tabletop" one will do

What meals are you giving? There is nothing wrong with something on toast or fishfinger chips and veg even the veg can be prepacked ping veg it's just as good as any other

Can you drop half a day at work to give yourself two days where you finish earlier? At your salary you might find post tax etc you lose less than you think and it might be the difference that stops you cracking.

I can’t reduce my hours at all, when I was with dh I asked for condensed for childcare and was told they don’t do it it’s FT or nothing

childcare is 30 and 15 hrs. Both in 5 days a week with wrap around

So sorry, it’s exhausting I know. I work 4 days spread over 5 now in order to keep on top of everything/be available. Must admit I don’t love it (I’d rather have a day off on my own!!) but it’s what works best for the DC right now. Any chance you could go to 4 days? Appreciate this might not be possible. Sending solidarity

You lower you standards while you adapt and outsource as much as possible.

Cleaner, online delivery order - meal plan for the week and eat the same meals on repeat if needed until you find your grove.

what kind of childcare are you kids in? Could a nanny be a better option? One that helps with the kids cooking/ cleaning/ washing?

i know you said you were in your probation period but I would book yourself some time off when your kids are in childcare for whenever you can to try and get things in order and then just survive until then. My kids are older now but it’s brutal.

Oh crossed messages, sorry 😬

I’ve got a big chest freezer and try to do a big batch cook every fortnight or so.

This is good advice I used to cook two meals from scratch every night one set for DC one set for me & DH. I’ve made the children’s meals easier and it’s a game changer.

We have pastry breakfast it's brioche or croissant not the greatest nutrition wise but it can be eaten in the car if needed cereal is for weekends or holidays

Clothing is set out the night before bags packed the night before sandwiches can be frozen

School uniform goes into a seperate drawer no searching for the right school socks or tie it's in the drawer all ready

oh I feel for you - it's so hard when you have very young children. Really it's just about getting through the toddler years, it does get easier.

My tips:

• the weekend is key - clean then, meal plan and shop, and batch cook as much as you can
• lower your standards re meals. Pasta, butter and cheese is fine for dinner. Weetabix is fine for breakfast.
• get as much ready the night before so you can be calmer in the mornings. Lay your and the children's clothes out then.
• can the children eat at the childminders or childcare? Then you don't have do do dinner
• lower your standards re cleaning. Start teaching the children that they put their toys away at the end of the day. Start teaching the children a one toy out- one in rule.
• Get routines for everything. I have different days for washing different items. I have a morning routine where I do breakfast, empty dishwasher from the night before and put a load of washing in. I also clean up the kitchen in the morning. I have an evening routine where I sort the washing.

And yes your ex is a shit. Assuming he'll be back in the country, sort out Child Maintenance as soon as possible. He doesn't get to stop being financially responsible for his children.

Well oven meals I don’t do because of the time I get back from work would delay things even more so I tend to batch cook the night before and then heat up the next day to save time

ivr got a dishwasher so will use that

they come back from nursery filthy, dirt in hair fingernails they need a quick wash at least, honestly

h before he left went on a mad one trying to find ‘his case’ and took everything out of the cupboard, so it’s a huge task. And the mess, oh god it’s triggering and he just left me to deal with it all

So what contact is this bell end intending to have with his children? First step, tell him to step the fuck up! Get a cms claim in immediately. Speak to a benefits expert at citizens advice. What a prick. But you'll be fine I guarantee you that...despite him.

The @Theunamedcat has described most of it. I know you are on probation so probably can't ask at the moment but I compressed my hours a couple of years ago (10 days into 9) and this has helped.

Lower your standards and remember young children need stability, routine and love not a spotless house and complex meals.

Try and sort out your budget if you can. This has been the biggest issue for me.

Take care and good luck.

How do you do anything on the weekend? They just tear everything apart and make mess. I try to put clothes away and they are either fighting or then chuck all the clothes downstairs and out of the drawers. I wash up and pick the food off the floor and then they’ve trashed the lounge.

im so close to screaming.

i can’t reach him, either his phone is off or he’s blocked me

Can you contact any of his friends/family? Surely they’d be ashamed of him.

Of mummy’s little prince? I don’t think so, the nasty naggy wife was mean to his royal highness and said don’t go on a lads holiday right now I’m in probation and it’s unfair to blow our holiday budget on it when you got 2 kids. The big mean lady was mean to the little prince and he was such a good dad who baby sat, washed dishes and even wiped his own arse would you believe. Such a hero deserved to be knighted not told he can’t go on a lads holiday

Oh this is a very tough situation. I’d say the first thing to do is sort out maintenance, pronto. If he acts up, go through CMS.

Then use some of it to buy in all the help you can get, starting with a cleaner, but if you can send laundry out, get a gardener, whatever would make your life easier.

Batch cook and use a meal box like Hello Fresh to take the decision fatigue and meal planning out of the equation.
And lean into any possible friends - this will pay dividends down the line.

But mostly… take the pressure off as much as you can. If you have freezer tapas on a work night, fine. Likewise, plonking them in front of CBeebies after nursery, fine.

Try and do something nice with them at the weekend - quality over quantity.

And breathe. I’ve raised my two solo since a similar age. They are young adults now, and they are proud of me.

You’ll be winging it… a lot. And that’s fine. We all are.

Sending love 🌺

Try to batch cook for several days, not just the one day. Nothing better than not having to cook.
It doesn't matter if the house is messy every night, your children won't care or notice.
You honestly don't have to bath them every night, just scrub their fingernails if they're dirty from nursery. I never bathed my children every night.
At the weekend take them out first, to the park or whatever, and make them tired so you can put the TV on for them and get stuff done when you get back and not feel guilty that you should be doing something else.
It will get easier!

Re weekend… get them out of the house!! All the time they spend outside they aren’t tearing the gaff up.

I got to quite like hanging out in soft play on my own with my laptop. It was a break. We became park tourists, trying out all of them within a 20 mile radius. The science museum was free. Anything but stay at home 😂

Okay first of all, deep breath. You’re going to be okay.

1. lower standards - ‘something on toast’ is fine, as pesto pasta. Keep it simple until you’re out of the immediate shock.
2. outsource absolutely everything that you can - at least at first. Get a cleaner, online shopping, babysitter to help for a couple of hours at the weekend
3. don’t be afraid to ask for help - friends, neighbours, staff at the kids nursery? Most people will want to help