Single mums help me!

[Littlechesnuttree]

I’ve cross posted because I’m desperate and I’ve literally no where to turn

So my husband of 7 years went on holiday and never came back (3 weeks ago, not dead just a shithead).

he’s left me with 2 young children. 4 and 2. I work full time. New role in probation strict 3 day in office rule.

im fucking drowning. I need to work to live. I need to be up at 6 to get breakfast before school and get ready for work myself. Im doing the bare min house wise meaning it’s all pilling up, like clean laundry etc. I tidy kitchen and kids tear apart lounge. I have no one, no village, no family (see other thread for dm situation). I’m not getting to bed before midnight most nights, I get back at 6 from work, get kids, reheat dinner, by the time they’ve tantrumed and then eaten it’s nearly 7. Then the bedtime routine, books, bath, tidying etc and then bed at 8/8:30

then I normally have to finish work I’ve not done in the day and then I need to properly clean up, sort food for the next day and before I know it it’s 11pm or later.

honestly I’m drowning

how do single mums handle it and work full time?

please if you’re a troll or love a pile on please don’t here, I feel so very fragile

everything about this! Take it easy on yourself & manage your expectations

Firstly... you're doing SO SO SO well. 💓 The shock must be somewhat of a nightmare, sending you a huge hug. I was a single mother for 4 years with an incredibly energetic toddler whilst managing a huge project at work and completing a degree so to some level I understand.

Secondly... if your workplace is worth working for, tell them your situation and have your fingers crossed that they're also humans with souls. Take a week or atleast a few days to take your foot off the gas, get a few bits lined up for the summer and just process the massive life change that you're going through.

Thirdly... it will all get easier, I promise. You will find yourself falling into a routine and yes, sometimes you will feel overwhelmed but that's OK, and also why you need a quick break now.

You sound like an incredibly strong woman and you've got this - your children are so very lucky to have you.

Things I did...

Speed cleaned one room a day - was it spotless? Hell no. Was it liveable? Yes!

15 minute tidy once kids asleep. No more. 15 minutes is always more than you think, and doesn't feel overwhelming.

Stopped ironing unless ABSOLUTELY necessary.

Roasted a chicken every Sunday. Dinner sorted for three days with a quick carb and veg/salad/beans. Pasta and pesto with chicken is always good.

Always cook double. One meal to eat, and one to freeze. Busy day? Freezer dinner.

Those prefilled fresh pastas and sauce tubs are a lifesaver.

Go to bed by 10.30pm no matter what. Life is so much harder when you're exhausted. And pack your breakfast the night before.

Biggest tip of all? Teach your children my all time favourite game. It's called, "Who can stay quiet the longest?" Absolute life saver.

Gosh I feel for you. Your children are just at the hardest ages for him to pull this stunt.

Does he earn decently? Get a claim in for maintenance and then try to pay to outsource stuff. Cleaners, gardeners, the lot. Hopefully you can either get work to be more flexible or find something different long term.

And, as someone a year into solo-dom, you'll find your groove. The twatface will eventually have to take the kids for overnights or weekends (a whole other stress, but not for now) and eventually you'll get some time back for yourself, to sit dribbling on the sofa or to do something productive, whatever you prefer.

You need to buy in help - cleaner, babysitter or clubs for kids, ready made healthy meals any other conveniences.

You're married so you have lots of rights, have you already filed with the child maintenance service in the interim?
Have you moved money from joint account across?
Can you get him to pay for stuff eg your online supermarket shop? Or will his parents?

Anything in the house of value that you can sell on fb marketplace/vinted?

Can you befriend another parent that you can do childcare swaps with?
If you google gingerbread charity see if they have a local group?

I'd change the locks tbh. Just in case he thinks he can swan in and out.

I don't know much about childcare situation these days but is there any chance you can get an au pair? I've seen this suggested many times. I live in a town where I can't imagine there are such things but there are somewhere.

I have also seen healthy freezer meals advertised recently. https://stockedfood.com/pages/fill-up-your-box might be worth a try?

Yes to lowering standards, getting a cleaner, a dishwasher, a tumble drier, a robot vacuum.... anything you can do to rest a bit and not burn out.

Outsource as much as you can, as others have said. I have a cleaner once a week and I'd rather walk barefoot if I couldn't afford shoes rather than give her up. I do do general wiping/tidying up etc in the week but I know that she will do the rest so I don't have to.

Get into a routine, clothes etc sorted for the night before for you and the kids. I get home just after five from work and have twenty mins to get it all done before I need to pick dd up. If the kids have screen time whilst you need to get things done, then so be it.

Pp have said other people will want to help... I find I have lots of offers of help but when I actually try and take people up on them, they are suddenly very busy, so best to just get used to managing on your own. It's easier that way, believe it or not! (I also have literally no one else to help, it sucks, but it is what it is).

Also, you've made this far, and at the moment it feels impossible, and like you can't and won't be able to cope. You will. If I can, you can. Also, get that CMS claim in (although that's been fairly useless for me as her delightful father has so far managed to dodge any meaningful contribution with an ever dizzying array of excuses).

Ps you're not drowning because you're doing it wrong or because you're not organized. You're drowning and we all are- it's about readjusting expectations sadly. It's your prick of an exes fault not yours.

Can you get a cleaner to take some of the pressure off? Don't tidy up whilst they're up. Quick shower, book, bed. Then have a quick tidy up when they're not around.

I’m on my own but with older kids.

I’m up at 6, cup of tea and organise myself for the day, check my diary, sometimes read a chapter of my book. Kids up at 7.30, out of the house by 8.30. I’d get both kids ready in the same room - literally take them both through the morning routine together, that way one can’t cause havoc while you’re sorting the other.

Easy meals, I batch cook sauce based meals at the weekend (chilli, spaghetti sauce, chicken casserole) and freeze in foil containers that can go into the oven from frozen if need be. Write a meal plan including at least two easy meals a week - throw in some frozen peas, carrots, sweetcorn to up the veggie count.

Don’t stress about baths, top and tail wash will be fine with scrubbed nails, hair washed in bath twice a week. There’s some really good no water shampoo for days their hair is more grubby - not dry shampoo, stuff you rub in and brush out.

Set very clear boundaries with work, do your contracted hours for a while until you find your feet, if they don’t flex for you, don’t you flex for them.

It’s going to take a while, and the kids will sense somethings wrong so will be playing up, draft in help where you can. You’ve got this.

Sounds like you’re blessed to be rid of him in the long run. Hopefully you work out a system to get you into a routine that works for you. Sending you all the best 💐

I'm really surprised at this as Probation (civil service) are normally very good with flexible working. It might be worth another application given your change in circumstances? I feel for you though, depending on your role in probation, it's a tough job!

I used to allow myself a 'day off' on a weekend. Now and again. I'd make a pledge that I didn't have to do anything. Or as little as possible. I'd prepare ahead. Lunchables in the fridge and other easy food. I'd get up and loll about in the drudge for hours. I didn't even pick up a plate. Eventually, usually around 4, I'd suddenly have a bit of a burst of energy and puy some things away.

Firstly I will say YOU CAN DO THIS. Really really loudly. Because MN does love to tell people to quit or cut down and go on benefits. You don’t need to do that. Because I promise it is totally doable.

firstly, you’re in the shock phase of imagine ( he sounds like an utter shit bag - but let’s not let this be about him)

second, breathe. Because you’re already doing it. Everyone is safe and fed and alive and so that’s a brilliant start.

i know you’re exhausted. But just be calm ( as much as you can) write a list. What do I need to do on a week night. What do I need to do on the weekend?

I forget the ages of your kids but even teenies can ‘help’ to pick up toys etc. all you need to do is a quick tidy round at bath time. Then I used to wipe the kitchen, toilets and sinks as I went to bed.

As you’ve not had prep time I would also suggest taking some secret leave. Tell no one. Spend the time sorting the kids clothes so everything in their rooms fits etc, clearing out anything you don’t need. Less stuff? Less to deal with.

slow cooker, egg on toast, no one is judging.

hang in there OP - it’s all going to be absolutely fine I promise!

Personally, I would be reconsidering my lifestyle / work balance, as it sounds unsustainable in the longer term! If you're dependent on the money for a mortgage, could you downsize / get a lodger or something? Then take one day a week off perhaps? Look for part time roles? It's not worth driving yourself into the ground if it is in any way avoidable. As a single parent I had to take a step back from working so many hours as I was sacrificing my mental and physical health and sanity, and it has helped so much. Then again, if you can manage to get some good routines going then good on you. Just be realistic about what one person can achieve and don't beat yourself up if you can't do it and there's a way around it - you are a human after all.

You have had good advice on here. I second letting standards slip. Don’t beat yourself up about housework during the week. As long as the children are fed it really doesn’t matter if the house is a bit of a tip.

Buy in as much help as you can afford. Even if it doesn’t feel like you can afford it. Anything which allows you to keep your job is ultimately an investment, even though it may not feel like it makes financial sense.

And above all be kind to yourself and know it will get better. You are well shot of this man and you will realise this before too long. I kicked my ex out when my daughter was four. I felt as if I was drowning for about a year and then slowly it came to me that my life had massively improved in every way (including financially). You are doing fine. Keep on keeping on.

Also be sure to check if you're entitled to any UC or anything like that. And claim it! If it helps to ease the burden a bit then it is worth claiming.

Great advice here!

I'm sure he's left behind loads that could be sold... 😊

Are you the poster whose mother took all of the meat from your fridge for her dogs?

Oh I’m not a probation officer I’m in my probation period ie a new starter

Hi yes

Where are the fuckers kidneys when you need them

Lone parent for years and in the end I had to give up work (dc with complex needs and no other family)

I tried to play by the rules. It doesn't work. They are selfish, self serving pricks.

Move money out of any joint accounts. You can argue about it in the divorce.later.
Change the locks - not allowed to technically but do it anyway. You can't help that you lost the keys.
Start a CMS application ASAP and base it on no contact not shared care. He can change that once he's proven he's actually having them.

Do an Entitled To calculation to see if you can get any top up benefits. Put a UC claim in for childcare if you can.

See a solicitor and make sure your ducks are in a row re any assets.
Consider getting signed off with stress to give you some breathing space. It's a huge life adjustment and you need to heal.

Finally if its a joint mortgage he is equally liable over and above any child support. If he doesn't pay apply to court to force him. My ex was raging but the judge was having none of it.

Grey rock. Do not get drawn in to arguments and be very careful what you text.

Good luck!