Single mums help me!

[Littlechesnuttree]

I’ve cross posted because I’m desperate and I’ve literally no where to turn

So my husband of 7 years went on holiday and never came back (3 weeks ago, not dead just a shithead).

he’s left me with 2 young children. 4 and 2. I work full time. New role in probation strict 3 day in office rule.

im fucking drowning. I need to work to live. I need to be up at 6 to get breakfast before school and get ready for work myself. Im doing the bare min house wise meaning it’s all pilling up, like clean laundry etc. I tidy kitchen and kids tear apart lounge. I have no one, no village, no family (see other thread for dm situation). I’m not getting to bed before midnight most nights, I get back at 6 from work, get kids, reheat dinner, by the time they’ve tantrumed and then eaten it’s nearly 7. Then the bedtime routine, books, bath, tidying etc and then bed at 8/8:30

then I normally have to finish work I’ve not done in the day and then I need to properly clean up, sort food for the next day and before I know it it’s 11pm or later.

honestly I’m drowning

how do single mums handle it and work full time?

please if you’re a troll or love a pile on please don’t here, I feel so very fragile

I feel so angry for you and I don't even know you! 🌺

You're doing it already. You feel like screaming and you're exhausted but you're doing it and your head is above water. So it's about finding ways to make things easier and some of the suggestions here are great.

The thing is you must feel an incredible amount of hurt and rage and frustration at what's happened and it must be making things just seem that little bit more overwhelming! Get a CMS claim in immediately, with no thought or regard for whether he will be back or apologise. It might just be the shock to his system he's needing to let him know you'll not be there waiting for him crawling back. Use your anger as fuel to push you forward here. Also if his family have the audacity to support walking away from his family overnight then they are a disgrace and it's his behaviour is fitting to their attitudes. If you have joint savings then you use them to hire and pay for the support that you need in the absence of him.

Babysitters can be expensive but there are nannies available and with already paying wrap around you might find it's cheaper to use your free hours and then pay someone privately for both children for the extra. A nanny won't charge per child.

Batch cook, lower your standards and keep putting one foot in front of the other because it is going to get easier. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Once your children are in bed, give yourself an hour to prepare for the next day and the rest is wind down and self care if not sleep.

I know you're on probation but given the circumstances I wonder if it's worth approaching HR and explaining. You can explain and it will be confidential that you do not want this to affect your chances of a permanent position but you cannot cope and the last thing you want to do is take time off sick so is there anything that they can do to support you in the short term. I.e a few days unpaid leave, even an extra day from home to allow you to catch up during your lunch hour. I'd be very surprised if they couldn't offer you something.

You're going to be ok ❤️

My ex husband left me with 1 year old twins and a 4 year old - I work full time in a demanding job with lots of U.K. travel so here's what keeps me alive (just!)

• lower standards - I bath every other night - all Kids in together
• I start a tidy up whilst kids have their milk - they aren't allowed to get loads of toys out in the evenings - if they want something else then the first lot has to be tidied away
• I'll often eat just once a day - a large lunch so that during dinner I'll iron next to the table while they eat or I'll potter about wiping surfaces loading dishwasher etc
• I try and WFH one day a week - on that lunch hour I'll do the big shop or blitz an hour of DIY or tidy the garden
• I'll batch cook or have quick teas for office/travel days which can go in the air fryer - chicken dippers or nuggets or fish fingers. frozen veg or microwave packs of frozen mixed veg - microwave mash potato
• tumble dryer best invention ever 😂
• set one day on the weekend for family time and get out and about

Mine were the same ages. Now nearly 5 and 7. I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel, it gets easier.

Im sorry that doesn’t help you now and I’m sorry you are in this position.

Mine were 4 and 2 also so I get it.
You'll find your way, honestly. In the meantime:

1. Use any friend/neighbour/colleague support you can drum up
2. Explain the situation to your line manager and see if there's any leeway re hours, dropping half a day a week temporarily, taking special or unpaid leave
3. Lower your standards for a bit. Kids can eat rubbish for a while, it won't hurt short term. Spend the time saved in the kitchen on cuddles, stories, reassurance for the kids
4. Pay for help if you can possibly manage it. An extra pair of hands to clean, help with bedtime, etc.

Dig deep. Sending hugs.

@Littlechesnuttree it will get easier lovely when you fodn your feet in a new routine.
Be kind to yourself though, you don't need to get it right straight away. You're going through a MAJOR life change.
You will realise what your priorities are when you realise you can't do it all. You are going to have to accept your life and routine is going to change and that will involve sacrifices. But I promise you, it will get better and it will get lighter.
This isn't how it's always going to be for you.
Fellow single mum here, you've got this! One day at a time ❤️

I bought cereal bars and small cartons of apple juice which I take to work for breakfast either before or at tea break.

I have a slow cooker (£17 from aldi) and have various go to recipies, but a friend recently recommended www.tamingtwins.com for recipes and the two I've tried have been great.

If you need to get out at weekends (reduces house mess) try playground safari - essentially you go from playground to playground! We manage about three (take drinks and snacks). I usually look up village playgrounds beforehand (but pretend we are just discovering them), or we sometimes just drive to the next village - most have them..

Good luck, it is exhausting, but you will find your way.

@berksandbeyond is right. Single mum of 13 years here.

Can you advertise for a cleaner/mothers help for Saturday mornings? Find someone who comes in and restores order while you spend some time with your dcs.

Someone who cleans the kitchen & bathroom, does a tidy up and nips round with the hoover.

And I have learned to turn out meals in 15 mins. Fresh fast food can be done.

Single parent since DC were 3&6 and they're approaching leaving home now. It's hard work but one day you'll be proud that you achieved it all. And you will find your routine, you won't always be drowning. (Maybe always a tad knackered though 🫠!)

What can you outsource - cleaner, gardener, etc. Hot dinners at school, easy sandwich/salad/cold teas. Get one job done a day so you aren't spending all weekend catching up. Have enough uniforms so you only have to wash them once a week.

If they're at wraparound care, do you need to be doing breakfasts, can't they have a single-wrapped ready-made item? Put them all in a basket on the side ready.

Each kid gets a box by the door for all school items, so you aren't searching for PE kits at 8am.

But you know, you will get it all done. And one day it'll seem easy.

With those ages I definitely recommend getting both children ready at the same time in the same room in the mornings. And agree with everyone telling you to bring your standards down to a more manageable level. Exhaustion and a break down is not going to help any of you, don't sweat the unimportant-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things stuff. You can do this and you can be a wonderful loving little family!

One tip is getting everything ready for breakfast the night before…so I’ll put the glasses and mats/cutlery out on the table before I go to bed, and prep the bowls of breakfast and put them in the fridge overnight. (Shredded wheat with berries and Greek yoghurt for example). I’ll even do this in the morning for the evening at times - everything ready on table and say plates of chicken salad cling filmed in fridge ready.

Get everyone’s entire clothing/bags/hair bobbles etc laid out night before…even searching for a brush can take precious minutes. Oh, have two spare brushes kept in an emergency drawer!

Clean the bathroom whilst they are having a bath, but reduce those down significantly and maybe make bedtime a little earlier…reduce ironing to true essentials…

Most importantly, when you feel the lump of feeling overwhelmed forming inside because it all seems so hard, so lonely, so unfair, always, always, stop what you are doing and just hug or tickle or read with your children. You’ll all ground each other.
Good luck.

(I was left with four, two pre primary, inc youngest needing a wheelchair, honestly it does get easier just do whatever helps you get through this first year.)

Have you spoken to citizens advice? They may be able to help you out with any benefits you could be entitled to.

I'm a part time single mum so I know your exhaustion. Check your council tax entitlements you may be able to get some back as he's left.

Also, hire someone to come do your washing once a week or some small tasks like hoovering or changing your bed sheets... even if its every other week. It will make you feel so much better.

Speak to your work as your situation has changed. You are entitled to put in a formal request for flexible working and they must consider it.

Take some holiday for yourself so you don't get too exhausted.

Good luck xx

Hey - wow feeling for you. What an utter shock!!
My advice would be:
Echoing a pp - if you can, do set clear boundaries with work about the hours you are working (if that’s why you’re working in the evenings?).
other things that helped me get a bit more sleep:
If can afford it, I had a home-help wonder who came every week and did all sorts around the house - some batch cooking, wrapping presents, tidying, washing etc. I’d go for this before a cleaner even.

Getting a really simple routine going (sounds like you are building it). Over time it genuinely got kind of cognitively easier - ie I rattled through essential tasks with a podcast after bedtime and actually wound down (and then later, while dc watched CBeebies, I could start before bed).

i literally didn’t bother with ANYTHING around the house that wasn’t essential but just tried to get the basics (washing up, washing, eating) under vague weekly control. And as things got less chaotic over time, we started to get a bit tidier etc

McDs drive thru every Friday :)

LOTS of time in soft play if you’ve got any suitable ones near you - we got a couple of memberships and got really familiar and comfortable there. It ended up being a win all round and really helped with my dcs social skills.

good luck sounds a bit trite here as you shouldn’t be in this situation… - but wishing you strength and also self-compassion!

Mine were 2 and 12 when ExH was led out of the house in handcuffs. I was a single parent with a full time job for 5 years after that. No family nearby, ExH a psycho prick who saw the kids rarely and never overnight. I hear you, it's exhausting.

My tips are get a cleaner, do all shopping on the internet, don't take on any more than you can manage (kids activities and the PTA can wait.) Nurture your village, I always made sure my childminder and cleaner were treated and paid well. Research babysitters so you have a small group of good babysitters who you know and trust to call upon. Friends can be supportive but I always felt weird relying on goodwill, I preferred to throw money at the situation rather than rely on favours. Batch cooked meals in little portions were a godsend. I did what was required to keep my job but not enough to climb the ladder. And most of all, be kind to yourself, you're important too, don't be a martyr to the kids or the house, carve out some time, energy and headspace for yourself. Update us all in a few months to tell us how you and your little family have found your groove.

You’ve been given some really good advice already. The only thing I’d add which is more long term, is making mum friends or neighbour friends. If you do not have a village this will be vital - not just for quick babysitting but also for yourself to have people you can speak to.

Other than that, I echo lower your standards. There are lots of quick dishes you can make with pasta. Your children may also be acting out because the dynamics in the house has changed - get them to start helping out in the house and treat it like a game. My DD when younger loved mixing with me in the kitchen and quickly cleaning up. My DD also came into bed with me if I was super exhausted and didn’t do a bed routine - we would make up stories whilst falling asleep instead of a book.

I know your up to your eyes with everything going on. Have you had time to start CMS claim?
I'd recommend doing that as a matter of urgency and check if you're eligible for any benefits.

The crap he pulled out of the cupboards bag up and dump.

Lots of good advice on here OP, lone parenting for 14 years early years definitely the hardest.

This is going to sound counter intuitive but....work your arse off in the new job, money is the out you need, you can chuck money at a lot of these problems.

I outsourced a lot but was hot on discipline on quiet time and mess, the two things that will tip you over the edge is mess and noise. Don't let the DC wreck stuff, put them in time out if they do.

today has been a shit show with moments of peace.

my eldest will not tidy up, she refuses and just melts down, I don’t know how to get her too, and then just ends up getting more stuff out.

ive put all toys in the cupboard so all the remain out is the book box and the toy kitchen, so we can have our toys on rotation. I turn my back and every book has been tipped outside of the box, 4 times asked to tidy and told no each time. I had to go to the loo to cry in frustration.

Ah OP It’s a Friday we’re all tired and fed up. But it’s the weekend now. Good plan re the toys. I would now go to bribery. Can you please pick up the books and then we can have a chocolate button to celebrate etc etc.

you’re doing great. Hang in there.

It's very, very hard for a while when they're young.

But persevering with the little ones now, even if it does end up in a million fights, will pay off loads later on in life. So getting the book box tidied up is the hill you do want to die on. I worked on bribery and blackmail until they did what was needed, i.e. no Peppa Pig until you did x, but if you do it you can also have y. Do involve them in simple tasks like sorting the washing.

As for everything else, lots of good advice already. I, too, had no village.

Do not feel guilty for leaving the children in childcare for the time you have paid for - I used to pay for them to be in until 6pm and if I finished work at 4.30 I'd use the extra time to get something done in the house, then collect them for 6pm rather than 4.45pm which I could have done.

If you're a morning person, get up at 5/5.30 rather than 6. The extra 1h-30min - be that time to read, time to just sit with a cup of coffee or time to work - keep me sane even now they're much, much older. If you're an evening person, make a point of doing nothing for the last 30min before bed at least.

During the day at weekends, do what nurseries do (I've seen them all do it) and give yourself a break to get on with household stuff by using the TV for an hour. It's usually when they clean floors and you can also just get on with things that are more dangerous, like bleaching the toilet, in peace.

Your food routine also seems to be causing you issues. No need to batch cook and reheat all the time. Chuck things into the slow cooker and you have dinner pretty much ready by the time you need it.

Pre-diced meat, a few handfuls of vegetables, pepper, paprika, cinnamon, water. No need to precook, just leave it on at low heat from the morning and all you have to do in the evening is stir some gravy granules into it and ignore pasta while it cooks. Goulash.
More water, some barley added - stew.
With some pre-fried spices and onions, add coconut milk or tomatoes and only cook rice in the evening - curry.

The possibilities for this are endless, but none are requiring you to think about food for more than 15min a day. Batch cooking is fine if you have time to do so and decent re-heating facilities, but it seems to take you more time than it would to throw a qucik meal together.

I had two under two when my ex left very suddenly. It's absolutely devastating.

There's a great book called 'how to keep house while drowning' - it's really practical and compassionate. I'd recommend it if you have any capacity.

If your employer is sympathetic, explain what has happened and ask if there is any short-term flexibility they can give you. If they are not sympathetic, it is probably worth looking for a different, part-time, job, if possible.

Try to limit the number of challenges you can face. So if you want toys to be away, could you put them in a locked box?

I'm sure you know this, but your oldest will be confused and upset. Their dad is not around, you are upset and anxious - some of their behaviour will be due to this.

Be so kind to yourself. Do the minimum necessary. Focus on spending enjoyable time with your children. Try to get some time to yourself as well.

I still struggle - my children both have additional needs - but you can get there.

Instead of nursery/preschool, find a childminder that does breakfast, dinner, and school runs. Childminders follow the same EYFS curriculum as nurseries. It sometimes costs more than wraparound care but worth every penny imo.

My childminder used to look after my child from 7am until 6:30pm on my office days (4 days per week). Back then, I was a single parent with a long train commute. She used to serve homecooked meals for the children around a big table and it was such a nice environment. I used to pick up, go home, bath/story/cuddles/bed.

It was an EXHAUSTING few years. Without the support of my childminder, I could not have done it.

Yes yes to a childminder. When I ran late for nursery pick up they'd have the lights off and my kid stood there in a coat, it was awful. With the childminder I'd get the side eye and had to grovel a bit but my kid was unaffected. I'm still friends with her now, she was amazingly supportive.

Be kind to yourself OP. This has just happened and it feels too much. It is normal that you feel overwhelmed, you are in shock
Live simply. Forget a strict routine and set times to get everything done. Surround yourself with good people.
All the best. He is a shit.

Kids the age yours are little animals for tearing the place up, and their behaviour is likely to be tricky for a while as they get used to the new normal.

Kind but firm as much as you can. Tidy up and we can go to the park. I couldn’t be arsed with star charts but we had a wall calendar and if they did what was asked they got a smiley face drawn on. Actual naughtiness led to a cross.
Enough smiles led to a treat at weekend, nothing overly fancy - a magazine, or a hot wheels car or something.

I used to sometimes go in the garden and kick their football really hard against the fence!! I also got into Davina’s cardio box on DVD (aging myself a bit) because a daily punching and kicking session after they went to bed did wonders for my frustration levels.

It’s hard going. I’m a single parent, they are all grown up now though, 30,19 and 16. My ex (father of younger two) went to work overseas for 7yrs of their childhood after we split so I did a lot of it on my own. I worked 3 days then, as I had a serious illness, that was really hard as I needed someone to care for them whilst I was in and out of hospital having procedures. I went back full time after a major surgery made things a bit easier health wise and by then youngest was 10 and only needed 1 more year of wrap around club. I did the essential cleaning wise, I’ve got a cleaner these days which helps, largely due to my illness.

A lot of the time when young they ate at after school club so they didn’t have a majorly nutritious meal in the week but they survived. They had a school dinner too which helped with no packed lunches to make. Make life easier anyway you can, fresh mash etc, I find that makes my life easier not having to peel and mash spuds etc. Just small things. Maybe take out once a week. I find meal planning helps too, and food shopping is delivered every Sunday. I eat the same lunch for work, again helps with not having to think what to have etc.

Your ex - unbelievable he went on holiday and didn’t come back, and his family are defending him - wow.

Sorry you're in this situation OP. My Ex H left when DS was 2.5 and it was so hard in the early days but did get much easier over time when I found my rhythm. I needed help from honestart in the early days so don't think you're failing if you can't do this all alone.

Get your CMS claim in today and use that cash to make life easier and help you survive!

Use bribes, make tidying a game with a timer etc, lower your standards and if needed just push all the toys to the side of the room ready for tomorrow. Lower your standards for everything for the time being.

In time, try to carve out some time just for you, to keep yourself well. If you have leave, use it for you while DCs are in childcare. If you have any leave available now, use it to get on top of admin tasks that need sorting from the split.

You can do this!