DH not checking in when away

[Swiftie90]

DH is away overnight with work for the first time since I had DC1 6 weeks ago. He left this morning but hasn’t checked in with me all day. He’s out with clients this evening. Our DC is very colicky and it’s a nightmare settling them, so I thought he might at least send a quick message. AIBU?

@Gogogo12345

Surely if there had been any issues shed have contacted him is another way to look at it

I think it would be really weird and cold for a father to only want to engage with the mother of his brand new baby (let alone one that has been colicky) if there are 'any issues'?

@Gogogo12345

Are you sure he actually has his phone on him if he didn't open yr texts?

He worked from the office, went to the hotel, will have been there for a little while and then went out.

I think it's giving someone an odd level of benefit of the doubt they haven't seen a message for that duration of time.

And as I said, wouldn't a normal loving dad be actively checking messages, or sending them to his partner, every now and then during what is basically a working day just somewhere else, to say hello / I'm here safely / hope you're both ok?

I'm shocked at the low bar for men on here sometimes.

New territory for you both. Best person to be communicating with is your partner. These things take practice. Some people leave the family home, don't think about home and the partner at home doesn't want bothering. Others need regular updates or random check ins. Both are fine, but you are the two who need to discuss and agree what you need as individuals to make it work for your family. Anything anyone else says or does is just examples of how it could work.

For example in my house if I go away my partner doesn't expect to hear from me and would actually rather that I didn't check in. When the kids were very small this didn't work for me, I needed regular updates. But now it's great as I can mentally commit to being in a place and often switch my phone off. On the other side if I'm home alone with the kids I like to be checked in with, and it doesn't upset the household if we have a facetime or whatever with my partner and the kids. We've worked this out by talking with one another, often, as opinions and expectations can change with the situation (if someone was sick for example then we'd all want more updates).

I had an agreement with my, working-away DH that he would phone me every night at 7. It would be rare that you wouldn't be surrounded by women, family, friends in the baby stage for support. When my Mum had me you had six weeks of support if needed. She was in hospital for ten days (ten days lying in), I was in for three and then we had good MW/HV/drop in baby clinics. Women wasn't expected to just get on with it.
The bar is extremely low for men.

yup the standard for men are so low and the expectations for women are so high

You are not unreasonable OP. Even my friends would check in more than that!

My DH would send a text or call at the end of the day before going out for the evening or, if one merged into the other, a bit later.

'Good grief!' Always said by cold-hearted automatons.

You are not being unreasonable, OP.

'Good grief!' Always said by cold-hearted automatons.

Absolutely.

Writing a dismissive, patronising and mean spirited post to a first time mum with a six week old colicky baby is needlessly nasty isn't it?

Basically telling them to grow up.

I can't imagine being so nasty to someone who is clearly having a difficult time and navigating no sleep, hormones and everything else that comes with having a six week old (let alone a colicky one).

I'm usually a bit surprised by the threads were posters seem to want to hear from partners alot when they are away. I'm not bothered, both my dp and me don't text each other much when away ..we are away a lot.
However I don't have a 6 week old baby and I think it's very poor he hasn't bothered to check in with you. Just a moral support text.

It also sort of sets the tone..."you are a woman therefore the baby is your responsibility...I am the man busy being important at work and I will not have to think about anyone or anything else , except myself"

I'd try to stay calm and express yourself when he returns. Explain that the baby is a joint responsibility and you expect communication when you are parenting solo

Not only is having a baby together a joint responsibility, but he is your husband. The least I would expect from any partner (husband in particular) is regular check ins when they’re away -even more so when wife’s just had a baby. I think it is poor and needs to be raised with him.

I suspect he’s treating it as a bit of a break from baby? not helpful at all to new mom.