DH not checking in when away

[Swiftie90]

DH is away overnight with work for the first time since I had DC1 6 weeks ago. He left this morning but hasn’t checked in with me all day. He’s out with clients this evening. Our DC is very colicky and it’s a nightmare settling them, so I thought he might at least send a quick message. AIBU?

Yanbu.

It takes about 10 seconds to type “how’re things? Hope baby is settling ok” or similar.

Being “at work” is not an excuse to be a thoughtless arse and conveniently forget about your wife and new baby.

In all honesty, would it have made you feel better?

‘hi honey, just wanted to check how you and the baby are before I head to dinner with the clients. Love you’

Theres a good chance, that would have pissed you off even more.

I am on my way home from a two night stay with a friend.

My husband is home alone. I sent him a message when I set off this afternoon to let him know I'm on my way back, but I didn't call or message him at all yesterday. Am I a bad wife? While I have been eating, drinking and laughing with my friend, has he been thinking I don't care about him? It's unlikely.

Every year since we met (and before we met) he goes abroad for a week with a group of friends. He calls me a few times during the week he's away, but by no means every day. This has always been the case, even when our daughter was a baby.

I've never been precious about it, never thought he didn't love or care about me.

I think being confident in the strength of your relationship makes these things seem less important.

I disagree with posters who have suggested OP's husband doesn't care. I suppose it's possible he doesn't, but I think it's more likely that he and OP have a different idea about how important it is to stay in touch when he's away.

Also, phones work both ways. If it is important to OP to hear from her husband every day, she could call him.

He’s not working 24/7. Most decent adults and parents would check in with their partner especially with a new baby.

Am I a bad wife?

Have you left him home alone with a 6 week old colicky newborn who is difficult to settle? Presumably not.
So your 2 days away are completely different to the op's situation.

My ex worked away every week for 2/3 or 4 nights from when ds was two weeks old it was hard as he was a very unhappy baby. He wasn't a great partner but he checked in with me every day when ds was that little and he would ring most evenings. We both found it really difficult to cope with the crying so he knew to make sure I was doing okay, which I rarely was but it helped to have someone to talk to who understood and who could suggest a different thing to try. It's just common sense really, in the early days with a constantly crying baby on your own it definitely warrants the other parent staying in daily contact. My parents used to visit too and hold crying ds whilst I showered. I hope you're okay OP, it will get easier!

Personal perspective: when I’m away with work I struggled to find time, unless there wasn’t a meal in the evening, to catch up with my son. By the time you travel, get to hotel, check up with emails and urgents, go into the local office, speak to people, get the randoms chatting to you, back to hotel, turnaround of an hour (with again checking emails), socialising* professionally, it’s honestly not fun*

Basically everything else is prioritised over your family

My husband goes away for work and doesn’t text for a couple of days at a time and that’s fine. But I have much older teens. With a six week baby I would expect my husband not to go away, quite frankly, never mind keeping in touch by phone or text.

Yep. I am very independent and we don’t have a relationship where we are in touch during the day. But when the babies were young, we would never leave the kids overnight without checking in with each other. Esp at six weeks. My husband would never have left then full stop.

I know there's v divided opinions on this but I'm totally with you OP. It's one of my red lines when DH goes away that we check in - not constant contact, just a quick note.

My husband is home alone. I sent him a message when I set off this afternoon to let him know I'm on my way back, but I didn't call or message him at all yesterday. Am I a bad wife?

How old is your baby at home? If they are over one/two, this is a disingenuous and irrelevant comment. We are talking about a new mum of a newborn here who might be struggling for the first time alone. It’s nothing about the security of a relationship.

It would have been nice if he’d thought to text or call but YABU to make a big thing of him not doing it.

I think my relationship is very different from some of the ones on here

OP, my husband has to go away quite a bit for work. He's away now. He texts me every morning when he gets up, and every night before he goes to bed. Because it really does take seconds to check in with someone. And my kids are young but by no means newborn!

Id personally be upset if he didn't get in touch at all. But we have the type of relationship where that would be unusual. I think regardless of how much you would usually text when he's away, in your current situation he SHOULD be checking in on you.

Hope you managed to have a chat with him about how it made you feel.

No you won't. Are you taking on board its a 50/50 vote?

Presumably because he's supposed to be a functioning human who can focus on more than one thing at once and presumably gives a shit about his wife and new baby?

Seriously, the pedestals some people put men on. Bloody hell.

Our baby isn't a baby anymore, but when she was I didn't expect my husband to call every day when he was away. If he didn't call and I wanted to speak to him, I'd call him. I didn't sit helplessly waiting for him to call and complaining when he didn't.

I certainly didn't think he didn't care about us because he didn't call.

I did actually message him a couple of times yesterday, with pics of baby but he didn’t actually read or reply. So not just sitting helplessly waiting for him to call.

I think regardless of the outcome of a vote, the OP obviously felt unsupported last night and it's always best to express how that made her feel so her husband understands and is on the same page.
All relationships are different, and people have different expectations of what they need from their partner. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a little check in when she's been faced with a screaming baby for hours for the first time on her own overnight. She's only 6 weeks from giving birth. I think the like it or lump it attitude on here is sad. Shes still very much within the perinatal period.

Regardless of a relationship, I would find it weird of a new dad not to proactively check if his partner and his new baby were ok on his first night away from them. My husband never went away but I know he would have checked we were ok if he had. Esp with a tiny colicky baby.

And your wide-eyed ‘am I a bad wife’ comment for going out and not checking in when you don’t have a baby is just cringeworthy.

Yanbu he should've sent a quick text, it takes minutes to do

That's even worse IMO. Good luck with chatting to him. Hopefully he realises it's not ok

Surely if there had been any issues shed have contacted him is another way to look at it

Are you sure he actually has his phone on him if he didn't open yr texts?

It never ceases to amaze me how low so many MN women’s standards are. A decent dad doesn’t need asking to get in touch when he leaves his wife and colicky newborn baby for the first time. He just does it.

@HavingABall

Regardless of a relationship, I would find it weird of a new dad not to proactively check if his partner and his new baby were ok on his first night away from them. My husband never went away but I know he would have checked we were ok if he had. Esp with a tiny colicky baby.

I completely agree. My partner would have been actively thinking about us and want to check in, not see it as a chore or something low priority versus work. Anyone can find time for a text unless working in an emergency situation. If you've got time to go to the loo at some point, sending a text is absolutely possible. And not replying to pictures of your new baby, when you've had a whole day to do so, is frankly bizarre.