DH not checking in when away

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DH is away overnight with work for the first time since I had DC1 6 weeks ago. He left this morning but hasn’t checked in with me all day. He’s out with clients this evening. Our DC is very colicky and it’s a nightmare settling them, so I thought he might at least send a quick message. AIBU?

I'm sorry for you. Our first was a cmpa baby - swimming/flight ear plugs help take the edge off the screams.

I'm the working away parent, and evenings are in my tech field a jolly. I check in often, particularly in the evenings (by message to not disturb anyone), it's not hard. People are quick to forget how bewildering and scary it can be the first times alone, especially with a screamy baby, and especially so early on.

I don’t think we need to be in constant contact either but he knew I was dreading/nervous about this evening. I just hoped we might have crossed his mind 🤷🏼‍♀️

The witching hours are bloody awful early evening until midnight. My children were born long before texting was normal. I just got on with it but understand your frustration! Husband pissed off skiing 24 years ago and still feel bloody resentful years later!!!

I’m not sure if or how to bring it up with him either?

Send him a whatsapp asking him if he has forgotten that you exist?
That's what I would do.

I totally feel for you op

he is showing he doesn’t really care (two seconds is all it takes to send a love heart emoji or anything at all)

make sure to factor in some time for yourself soon to get out and have some late night shopping or a swim or meet a friend very regularly!!!!

Well I would message him and tell him you know he is having a busy time but you are disappointed that he hasn't been in touch because it would have been nice to feel supported.

I mean maybe he's just enjoying the peace. Don't take it to heart. If he's been dealing with a screaming baby every night for 6 weeks then maybe he just wants to sit in silence in his hotel room without ping ping ping every 2 mins. I know I would.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. My husband always texts me when away, as I do to him (although have to admit I sometimes get carried away and forget as I leave my phone in my bag and he’s much more consistent!). We did this without children. Even tonight, he was only out for a few hours and asked how we all were at home.

I guess it depends on your relationship, and your relationship with your phone. My husband and I usually check news/sport/emails on our phones when our so it’s not any extra effort to text each other to see how we’re getting on.

If he's been dealing with a screaming baby every night for 6 weeks then maybe he just wants to sit in silence in his hotel room without ping ping ping every 2 mins. I know I would.
So the OP is meant to suck it up and deal with the screaming baby without as much as a single message from her husband?

I remember when DC was 2 weeks old we were all staying at my mum's house and DH went back to our flat for a night (we were.estate agents come over early next morning and our flat was about an hour away from my mum's). I remember he never messaged and I was super upset. Turns out though he had fallen asleep on the sofa immediately after getting in and just having a sit down - it was those early days of no sleep!

It could be something similar with your DH now.

Anyway, YANBU. And you should tell him the least he can do is check in.

I know I am loved, without needing phonecalls or messages though.

However, those colic months are awful OP

Personal perspective: when I’m away with work I struggled to find time, unless there wasn’t a meal in the evening, to catch up with my son. By the time you travel, get to hotel, check up with emails and urgents, go into the local office, speak to people, get the randoms chatting to you, back to hotel, turnaround of an hour (with again checking emails), socialising professionally, it’s honestly not fun.

When either of us are away we always checkin. Sometimes it's not easy due due being at work, signals, but type a message that will be sent eventually. We understand this but yanbu, a simple text is not difficult. Xx

Of course, and I'm hoping you will get lots of texts that have been delayed due to lack of WiFi. Xx

I would be upset by lack of contact. I think I would send an update of how your evening went. And then say to him tomorrow when he's home how upset and disappointed you were.

I also think a "hope baby has settled miss you both xx" would have been enough but nothing is rude

Well good. Im glad you are so secure in that knowledge. But every one is different and their situation's are different.
OP is only 6 weeks post partum so I think she is entitled to actually have a bit of practical demonstration that she is loved if that what will help her atm.

I find this surprising. Between us, DH and I have done hundreds of international trips over the years and I can only think of maybe one or two times one of us was unable to find the opportunity for a quick contact with home. I've always just said to clients or the team, go on in, I'll join you in 5 minutes, just going to call home and make sure everyone's in one piece. Or in the taxi from the airport to the office/hotel/meetings, we've always been able to find a minute for a quick call or text.

As I said before we do a similar job and I have experience of these sort of evenings, there is always a bit of downtime and the dinners etc are quite casual. I’m probably feeling doubly annoyed/sad/put out because before I would have been enjoying a nice meal in a restaurant entertaining clients and feeling like I had an identity (I do love my new baby very much!)!

What about when travelling, making a coffee, getting changed in the evening etc etc? It honestly takes about 3 seconds to send a message

I would expect him to check in, yes. Even if out with clients he could excuse himself for a matter of minutes to see how you’re doing.

It’s a huge life change but I actually came to like it when DH went away for work.

Hope you are doing okay, it’s early days and you will find your feet.

That’s cool.

The OP would prefer a quick message.

In human relationships it’s quite normal and expected to check in with each other or to do small things that show you’re thinking about each other when you’re not together. It’s very standard, normal behaviour. Not at all unusual, needy or odd.

But you know that. As does everyone else carrying on the silly hyperbole about a quick message being ‘constant contact’, needy or a sign of not coping.

The idea of being in a nice restaurant, entertaining clients is probably misleading.

I used to do a lot of that stuff and the client will expect to be hosted, they are probably in a noisy football bar, with the client telling long boring football stories and watching Scotland. Don't imagine it will be much fun at all.

Fuck me. She on her own with a 6 week old baby, who doesn't sleep. A quick text of hope it's going ok is t going to take any time from his big important job. The pick me mentality of I'm happy for no co tact with my partner, despite having g a broken leg, 6 children, and 2 of them are newborns is getting ridiculous. No. It's not unreasonable to ask to be aknowledged by your husband who is not working 24/7- unlike you. I'd be upset too.