DH not checking in when away

[Swiftie90]

DH is away overnight with work for the first time since I had DC1 6 weeks ago. He left this morning but hasn’t checked in with me all day. He’s out with clients this evening. Our DC is very colicky and it’s a nightmare settling them, so I thought he might at least send a quick message. AIBU?

Well we never did hear anything from DH. Got baby to sleep around midnight with wake ups at 1am, 3am and 4am. He’s due back later today so I’ll make sure he’ll be getting his turn with DC tonight. Hopefully he’s got a mega hangover to contend with!

Fuck sake man, all these people saying you’re being needy. We both work away on and off in jobs where you’ve gotta be charming and fun til late, we’ll text on and off throughout. Usually about mindless shit, same as we do on an ordinary day, and always a ‘good night love you’ - there’s not an expectation on frequency or content, but if he left overnight and I didn’t hear from him til he got back it would be WEIRD. And as for not texting around clients - nobody cares. They’re texting too!

We’re a very much well get in touch if anything’s wrong household so nether of us would text the one at home

DS is nearly 2 and DH will call me when checking into his hotel for 2 mins when he stays away. He does this to make sure we're ok because after a winter full of illness we know how much we appreciate the other being there for advice if there is anything is wrong. I do know it's much easier for men to compartmentalise things so he may be fully focussed on his work and not thinking about anything else. YANBU and need to explain to him that just because he's elsewhere he needs to find time to check in with you.

@rwalker
We’re a very much well get in touch if anything’s wrong household so nether of us would text the one at home

Isn't it great that we are all different. So you don't contact each other. The op would like her husband to check in with her to see how she and their 6 week old colicky newborn are getting on.

YANBU OP hope you and your baby got some sleep.

I had this with my DH. I just don't think they think. Tell him when he's back (nicely bit firmly) what you expect in future. It's hard when they're tiny & colicky & non stop crying & you're by yourself.

Why not just message him & say 'its not on not to check in. This is my expectation of you'

As you said we’re all different OP is a person who like contact and her DH is someone who doesn’t
2 people each with there own expectations of contact

Because he's a parent who's left his child overnight for the first time. Doesn't matter how competent the other parent is, surely as a parent he'd want to know how his sons day has been.

He could have used the hotel phone and paid for it or used a public phone box.

Unlike his wife who has to have the screaming back constantly as well as being at that awful bit post partum when the hormones are still awful and the sleep is awful. I think 6-14 weeks was just hellish with the crying and the boobs and the sleep dep. I'd have cried a river if DH had been away a night when our twins were that age

YANBU. I'm sorry you had a tough night. You need to be clear that in future he should be in touch and that it's not OK

He may not have realised he should be in touch but in future he will

But what can he actually do to help from that distance?

Nothing obviously. But it’s nice when someone’s like ‘hope all’s going OK’ isn’t it

and no phone call or text this morning either?!

@saraclara

Good grief. How did we manage before mobile phones?

He's at work. He's not on a jolly or on holiday. And you're a grown up.

Pretty needlessly horrible message to a first time mum struggling with a six week old colicky baby solo tbh.

@SpringerFall

But what can he actually do to help from that distance?

Do you never just feel better after a chat with someone?

I'm a grown woman but when I'm stressed I'll often ring my mum for a chat and feel lots better having had a bit of a pep talk and some sympathy / empathy.

If someone you love calls you upset or stressed and you're unable to go and physically help them, do you just end the call? No, you offer kind words and solidarity.

A "sorry it's so tough, you're doing a great job and not long now until we're home and I can share the load" would make OP feel happier than she would without speaking.

Offer a listening ear and emotional support

Yes, exactly. He can make his wife feel like they're in this parenting lark together.

So all those things are more important than checking on a mum and newborn with colic?

Really?

I’m fairly relaxed in with this stuff but even without a new baby, we always find time to send a quick text, even it times really short along the lines of ‘just checked in, hope your day has been ok. Quick change and straight to dinner. Speak soon’. Really not hard.

Literally - it’s unfathomable to me that in amongst the emails/chatting/catching up you don’t have time to send a couple of texts. You can WhatsApp from desktop!

I genuinely despair at those thinking women should suck it up while trying to keep their small child alive because the men are too busy doing important man stuff to see if their wife and child are ok.

Finally heard from DH at lunchtime today, I’ve been so busy with the baby I hadn’t checked the thread. He sent a few pics from the restaurant last night. Will definitely need to have words with him before he goes away again although disappointed that I need to!

DH works away on a regular basis and we also send each other short messages. Obviously if he is in meetings and presenting then I don't but normal morning/evening times are easy for a short message.