To ask if you think this was too harsh?

[myladybelle]

Second guessing myself and looking for opinions on whether this was an appropriate consequence for my 6 year old DS.
Yesterday evening before bed he was upset about something and hit me; as well as threw a small toy at my head. He didn't have school today and went out with our babysitter to soft play, and would usually get an ice cream afterwards. I told him in the moment he wouldn't get an ice cream tomorrow (today).
Today he woke up asking about the ice cream and crying and saying sorry. I'm still stuck at work so don't know how the day went but feeling really conflicted about it. Probably because I had to leave the house to crying and remorseful DS.
Too harsh?

Parenting isn’t a war.

He's 6!!

@Roseyjane I agree it is not. But hitting a parent is a big deal. He is old enough to know this is not okay. I did not hit my DCs and they knew they did not hit me.

Never ever ever ever threaten to take a story away. It's so important to a child's development and your relationship. Children need to feel secure and loved before sleep. The night can be long, dark, and lonely.

Also, always address the unwanted behavior, not the child! Make sure there is a clear distinction...the pp who said, "I don't want to sit and read to someone who's hurt me...(or words to that affect) that will be directly placing blame on the child rather than the behaviour.

While he was wrong and shouldn't have lashed out. He's still learning to regulate his emotions and feelings. He's still very young. It can come boiling out all at once and before bed when they are tired. It is the perfect time for those unwanted pesky emotions to flare.

I think you made the right choice of punishment. Yes, it was slightly delayed, but there wasn't anything you could do about it at that time in the evening.

If your nanny is a trusted adult and is integral to your family unit. I also don't see a problem with her dealing with the punishment. It shows a united front and cohesion within the family unit regarding behavioural expectations.

I think if he apologized then you should have let him have the ice cream. Obviously if it happens again there needs to be consequences so he knows it's wrong.

I wouldn't have made the babysitter deal with the punishment.

That just teaches him that you say sorry and the consequence does not happen.

I have a very well behaved six year old who occasionally will lose it like this at bedtime when she's exhausted and utterly past herself. Personally, I'd walk away, confiscate the toy and then come back for a chat when she'd calmed down, and probably cut the bedtime routine short depending on where we were with it and how much she'd calmed.

I wouldn't do the ice-cream thing because of the delay and someone else having to carry it out, but at the same time there's every chance I'd say it in the heat of the moment and then you do just have to follow through.

Yes, this is a good thought. I was going to weigh in agreeing that a quicker, more related consequence is generally better but was struggling to think of one for this scenario!

Generally better to have all consequences over and done with the same day and start with clean slate the next if possible. Otherwise the unpleasantness hangs around. Don't beat yourself up, though, it's hard to be both calm and creative with these things, especially when they test us last thing at night!

Once you made the threat, you had to carry it out or else he'll think you don't follow through.

But it wasn't an appropriate threat to make at that age. Consequences need to be immediate and related to the misbehaviour, not carrying on into the next day and totally unrelated. And not even enforcing the consequence yourself the next day adds to the inability to link it to the bad behaviour (and is also really shitty thing to do to the babysitter).

Just because he remembered the next day that he wasn't getting an ice cream, doesn't mean he's made the connection between that and why he was being punished.

The obvious consequence would have been to take the toy away, or remove yourself from the bedroom. Or you could have a reward and punishment system set up in the first place (eg sticker chart) so that you can immediately give a consequence even at bedtime.

Have a lovely day

I don’t think you were too harsh but I too prefer natural consequences.

Thrown toy would simply be removed (and could be had back possibly next evening after proper discussion), and a really, really firm and displeased ‘you do not hit me or throw things’ leaving him in no uncertain terms he’s crossed a line without shouting at him. Then I’d have tucked him in, said I love you but I expect better behaviour in the morning and left. I’d ensure I got time to see him before leaving for work if possible.

I’ve been in this exact position. It sucks and there’s times I’ve handled it well and other times not. Give yourself grace. You’re obviously a lovely Mum or you wouldn’t be here worrying about it. And don’t panic about your son either. He’s not going to turn into ASBO teen because he had one little wobble when he was 6!

The 6 yr old brain is only just starting to understand consequences - and if you're going to use consequences, it needs to be directly connected to what happened and not delayed.

As PP have said, losing an ice cream the next day will make him sad but his brain isn't yet mature enough for that to influence his decision-making or his behaviour.

Consequences are quite a sophisticated concept and although your child may appear to superficially understand, at 6 years old they're not developmentally able to properly grasp the concept or link the two things in a useful and effective way. He may seem to know why he's not getting ice cream but it won't have any impact on future behaviour because his brain isn't developed enough yet to be able to do that.

That's not "letting him get away with it" or not having boundaries, it's about age-appropriate consequences rather than punitive consequences which don't actually have any effect.

One website had a good explanation of consequences for 6-10 yr olds:

"Use logical consequences: Otherwise known as cause and effect, these should be directly related to your child’s behaviour. If your eight-year-old is late for school because she had trouble getting up in the morning, make bedtime earlier the next few nights rather than revoking her TV privileges."

However, while I don't agree about taking away his ice cream, I think if you say you're going to do something you should follow through. So if you've said you're going to take away his ice cream, then I don't think you should backtrack. I think offering him the chance to "earn" his ice cream back is a good way to remedy the situation. I don't normally agree with food being used as a treat or a sanction, but on this occasion I think it's probably the way to go because of the consequence you used.

I've got two autistic DC and big emotions are hard for them to handle. And emotions are much more likely to come spilling out when they're tired and not as able to regulate themselves properly, which sounds like what happened here. For me, it's natural consequences every time, rather than a "punishment" that isn't linked to what they did.

I don't think having a punishment hanging over your head is ever very good for a child, but I also don't think what you said in the heat of the moment was totally unreasonable. A 6 year old should know it's not ok to throw a toy at someone's head even if they having 'big feelings' 🙄.

Maybe next time remove the toy that was thrown, not to be returned for a while, and be clear the behaviour is not acceptable and talk about others ways in which he could have handled it. But maybe this will have nipped it in the bud already and you won't have to deal with it again anyway!

I think removing a toy for a week is much worse. A week is far too long for a 6 year old.

I think it’s fine. Something closer to the event and related would be better but certainly don’t worry about him not having a treat.

So if my 5 year old gets upset and hits me, as happens sometimes, I will say ouch and say we don't hit mummy. I will empathise that I understand she was cross but she should be expressing that in other ways

What about when she kicks other people? I got kicked repeatedly on a plane by a little shit whose Mum kept saying in a singsong voice "It's not nice to kick Oscar!'

I would not expect my 5 year old DC to routinely hit me however cross she gets. This is something you stop by taking it seriously.

100% this. He sounds remorseful.

Not too harsh in my opinion, and even if it was you still need to follow through this time! (though I’d probably make the consequences more immediate next time).

He's 6 not 2. A 6yr old is perfectly capable of remembering something he did wrong 24hrs earlier. Therefore it's not an unreasonable punishment.

I was a single parent of a son. Any violence towards me or his sister was dealt with. At younger than 6. Possibly harshly according to how some people would think on here. But no way was I having a scenario where he could grow into a strong teenager and get his way with violence and aggression.

It worked out fine. He's in his 30s now and genuinely kind and lovely. We have a great relationship.

No that isn't too harsh.
If possible I would have gone for a more immediate consequence but maybe just remind him why he isn't getting any ice cream.
I have a 3 kids and the middle one is 5yo.. if she hit me she wouldn't be going to softplay as well as not having ice cream! I don't think it's harsh at all. Violence is a strong boundary for me. Not just towards me but towards each other and other children too.
Obviously not all children respond to consequences such as removal of treats.. i know some children won't be able to regulate their behaviour and need a bit more leeway. but it works fine with mine. Obviously I also explain the impact hitting has and will have in their lives if they continue hitting people whenever they are upset. I explain its not just for my benefit.. that they would have very difficult lives if they went around reacting to any difficult situation with violence.
I do think if your child is NT then 6yo is well old enough to understand that they will face removal of treats if they are violent.

Given that it was bedtime what would you suggest?

Is this an American thread? What’s a daytime babysitter unless you are in the US 🤷‍♀️

We lived in the US, I’ve never heard childcare called a babysitter for at care here

Who cares if OP is an American? 😵‍💫

Yep. This. At that age, the punishment needs to be immediate.