To ask if you think this was too harsh?

[myladybelle]

Second guessing myself and looking for opinions on whether this was an appropriate consequence for my 6 year old DS.
Yesterday evening before bed he was upset about something and hit me; as well as threw a small toy at my head. He didn't have school today and went out with our babysitter to soft play, and would usually get an ice cream afterwards. I told him in the moment he wouldn't get an ice cream tomorrow (today).
Today he woke up asking about the ice cream and crying and saying sorry. I'm still stuck at work so don't know how the day went but feeling really conflicted about it. Probably because I had to leave the house to crying and remorseful DS.
Too harsh?

We have a sticker reward chart, but for serious things stickers get removed (for minor things it's more "stop or you won't get today's sticker"), so that's probably what I would have done. I realise that doesn't help you though if you don't have that set up.

What kind of consequence would you have given if it happened earlier in the day?

Yes, I apologized to her. I separately know that's a shitty thing to do on my part.

I think people are vastly underestimating the cognitive ability and memory of a 6 year old. The only immediacy appropriate was to tell him it was wrong and what the consequence would be, which you did. I would have reminded him no ice cream and the reason for that before the outing. I'm staggered actually that anyone thinks a well cared for child who clearly has multiple treats, is 'harshly' treated by losing one ice cream after hitting his mother.

Personally I don’t use food as a punishment.

i also wouldn’t have left it for the babysitter to deliver the consequence - more effective if it had been you & you could have chatted about how you felt when he threw the toy etc, different choices he could make next time.

However there’s nothing wrong with setting a consequence & following through with it. It’s a very important part of parenting. Sounds like you did the best with what you had available to you, and it’s great that he was reflecting on it this morning & starting to make the connection between actions & consequences. Well done for sticking to it.

It is a shitty thing to do. I wouldn't expect another person to dish out punishments on my behalf.

Absolutely spot on, op. At 6, he’s able to remember what happened to cause the ‘consequence’ and as a nanny- carrying out that punishment wouldn’t bother me in the slightest, I’d be pleased that the behaviour was taken seriously enough as it often isn’t the case.

Yeah, maybe after she teaches him how to regulate his emotions, And when his brain develops to be able to think to do that in the moment, because of the children who are very tired and having outbursts, really, don’t know what to do, but if she guides him on what to do to calm down and maybe then if he chooses not to do
What he needs to do to calm down after being guided by her, then they can be punished

No. The timescale is fine for a six year old. Don't go back on your word.

What would a more immediate, natural consequence be?

Because I am often in the same boat and struggle to think of anything immediate.

Completely appropriate but not sure I would have done it myself as its going to be the babysitter dealing with the fall out. I'd have done a consequences on my time.

I can see how an immediate and related consequence is best but it wasn't possible here. It wasn't overly harsh and kids do need to learn not to lash out regardless of what they are feeling.

Do not restrict food as a punishment. Whether it’s a ‘treat’ or not. I’d have taken his favourite toy/game/book and let him earn it back. Plus it’s been a nice afternoon so no way I could sit and watch other kids have ice creams and not my own.

Hmmm as much as I believe actions have consequences, this was NOT fair to put on the babysitter.

If it happens again, make sure it's a consequence given by you, not someone else.

I would have told him not to throw/hit.

Seeing as it was last thing at night, I’d assume he was overtired and put him to sleep. No drama, no punishments.

How could there be an immediate consequence when he was about to go to sleep?
It's fine and he does remember why he's not getting an ice cream because he was reminded this morning.

Not too harsh. You set a boundary and he broke it. He will be fine without ice cream and learn an invaluable lesson about hitting mummy.

I don't think it was appropriate because it wasn't you carrying out the punishment - you left it to someone else (and left them to deal with the consequences).

A delayed consequence is fine but it needs to come from you.

Just to clarify on the babysitter. She has been our nanny for the longest time, now looking after my third child. She was DS's nanny when he was younger and she has done a lot of "parenting" of the three children over the course of the last 6 years. I still think it's not ideal to leave it on her but this is not a 20 year who DS has just met.

I still think it's not appropriate to have her carry out your punishment.

That's a way harsher, almost cruel punishment IMO, effectively withdrawing love (special time with a parent)

The ice cream next day is fine. The reason it's often stated it should be immediate is because DC won't connect the two things, but clearly he does.

Oh for heaven’s sake, losing the big story (or chapter) while still having the rest of the good night routine is not withdrawing love. Get a hold of yourself.

I think it’s more use than a consequence nearly 24 hours later, enforced by someone other than the parent, and related to food as reward or punishment.

But the OP was acting in the moment and that’s what occurred to her, and she was right to be consistent.

You did fine not too harsh. Might be harsh on the babysitter if he begs at her a lot

I think this is a good punishment. Reinforce it, and say if you hit or throw things at people, then you won't get your ice cream. If you like ice cream then don't hit people!
That was the closest treat you could realistically withdraw, unless you forbade soft play and made him just stay home, but that would have been a waste of good childcare!

I‘m of the natural consequences school of thought so toy goes “in the bin” if thrown as he clearly can’t use it to play nicely. Hitting isn’t nice and I don’t want to sit and do story time with someone who hits me, so a warning that if hitting happens again there will be no bedtime story just straight to bed.

In wouldn't personally have removed the unconnected ice cream.

Which would have been what exactly?