To ask if you think this was too harsh?

[myladybelle]

Second guessing myself and looking for opinions on whether this was an appropriate consequence for my 6 year old DS.
Yesterday evening before bed he was upset about something and hit me; as well as threw a small toy at my head. He didn't have school today and went out with our babysitter to soft play, and would usually get an ice cream afterwards. I told him in the moment he wouldn't get an ice cream tomorrow (today).
Today he woke up asking about the ice cream and crying and saying sorry. I'm still stuck at work so don't know how the day went but feeling really conflicted about it. Probably because I had to leave the house to crying and remorseful DS.
Too harsh?

Oh "toy in the bin" is useful, thank you. I'd probably just put it on a high shelf for a week rather than throw it away. Wish I'd thought of that.

You don't get to have special time with someone you've just hit and thrown something at. I'd say by carrying on with the special time you're just teaching them that it's fine to attack someone you love cos they'll just carry on as normal anyway.

Taking the toy away for a set amount of time as he can't play with it nicely.

And for hitting?

Getting rid of the bedtime story?

I wasn't disagreeing with you that that should have been a consequence.

So she should have just been fine with him hitting her and throwing shit at her? No consequences at all because hitting is a completely acceptable way to express "big feelings"?

No wonder schools are full of out of control brats if this is how we're parenting now 🙄

Yes too harsh because it's not going to have the slightest impact on his future behaviour. He reacted badly in the moment punishing him the day after when it has no link to the behaviour is pointless. Also it will make thing more difficult for the childminder as she is responsible for the punishment for something that had nothing to do with her
You need to work with him to help him control his anger.

Its fine. This is MN where so many people don't believe in punishments though! You are fine and he should think twice next time.

Would you mind saying what you think that could have been in this case?

By a "natural immediate consequence" are you suggesting hitting back? Yes I've seen dogs gently nip their puppies back if their puppies get too nibbly, but I don't think that's approved of by humans now. Apart from anything else hitting back is a little incompatible with the core message of "violence is not the answer".

While food as a punishment is slightly dodgy ground, missing one ice-cream is not overly harsh and you have to follow through. What would have been harsh is saying "you won't get the ice-cream tomorrow, you'll have to watch the nanny eat it in front of you."

The point is he probably won't behave differently next time.
The hitting, throwing is because he can't regulate his behaviour. It was in the moment he didn't think about it. Not having an ice cream when he is out with his babysitter will make him sad but it won't help him to regulate his behaviour

personally would not have given a punishment that was going to affect others. The poor childminder has had to deal with an upset child. Punishment should have been on your time not childminders time. Probably ruined the whole day for childminder and other children.

A natural consequence would be "mummy won't sit and read you a story because you hit her". Or "you don't get your toy now because you can't play nicely with it".

Not using food as a punishment.

Why won't it? You don't think it will make him think hang on when I do bad things I get nice things taken away? I parented my kids like OP and I have wonderful teens now who I literally haven't had to "tell off" for years and years, they are just good kids who are growing into lovely young adults.

Ice cream is a treat, it's not exactly depriving him of a meal. Have you seen the kick offs on here when people say they wouldn't read a story because of bad behaviour?

How do you know he can't regulate his behaviour as oppose to simply choosing not to? Because we'd need a great deal more information about the child than we've been given to know that. If OP had told us that he does this regularly, in all sorts of situations, to anyone he feels like, regardless of consequences, then you might be on to something. But most 6 year olds can and do manage to control their urge to hit people. Otherwise none of our children would be safe in school, and teachers and parents the world over would be black and blue. On this occasion he chose to hit. He needs to be deterred from choosing to again.

I just don't agree with using food as a treat or a punishment - there's too much risk of it causing issues down the line. An ice-cream should just be something children get as part of a normal diet, not something that's taken away for bad behaviour or given for good behaviour.

It's not food it's a treat in this instance.

It's fine OP given the actions/age and all the relevant information.

But don't worry there will be many people along to tell you how to parent better....which will generally involve pandering to poor behaviours and treating a 6 year old like a toddler.

So I don't think punishment needs to be part of discipline. I discipline by teaching my children what behaviour is acceptable and unacceptable. I've learned a lot from Laura Markham who is a child psychologist about how to make this work for our family. So if my 5 year old gets upset and hits me, as happens sometimes, I will say ouch and say we don't hit mummy. I will empathise that I understand she was cross but she should be expressing that in other ways eg stamping her feet. That's it. We'll have a cuddle and move on. I was parented very similarly and do ok in life! If you are interested in this approach these are resources which may be helpful, lots more on the website: https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/child-hits-parent

https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/6-year-old-with-explosive-temper

My six-year-old has ADHD, so I have experience with kids that age having a hard time regulating their emotions. I think taking away the ice cream is perfectly fine. It’s good he feels sorry now, but he shouldn’t get to have ice cream back just because he’s sorry.

OP I don't think it is a big deal. Yes he will be upset. But hopefully it will stop him hitting you in the future. I think hitting does deserve a harsh punishment, it is totally wrong. You do not hit a parent. And I am always a bit shocked when I see children 5 plus hitting their parent.

I think it was absolutely fine what you did.

Inspired actually. 😇

If you go back on it he will know a few tears and he will get his way. Stay strong.

I didn’t ever punish. Although I know some posters love punishing and little is too harsh. Nor was I a gentle parent.

my view was talk to your child. What was causing him to do that in that moment.

for me if he hit and threw and was upset, it shows how upset he was, and how he is too little to regulate his emotions.

so the next day I’d have talked to him about it. About how it hurt, what he can do to stop his self lashing out. About how you felt. About how he would have felt if you hit him, and threw a toy at him. I’d spend time with him and talk it through.

and then I’d see if he did it again, stop him, remind him or your talk.

for me this worked. Every time.