To think that an Irish funeral is a bit different to an English funeral?

[MargoLivebetter]

I'm looking for a bit of guidance, as I think that an Irish funeral will be different to an English Funeral and I obviously only have 2 days to prepare! My partner has been as much use as a chocolate teapot with clothing advice.

Firstly, this is a Catholic funeral for an elderly person, not someone who passed away at a young age or in tragic circumstances. They were in their 90s and had a long and well-lived life and died peacefully after a short illness. In England, from the funerals I've been too that are of similar types deaths, this would be seen as a celebration of that person's life and whilst it is unlikely that people would be wearing pink or red, it is unlikely that they'd all be in black.

I was chatting to an Irish work colleague this morning and she said that funerals in Ireland were much more traditional, particularly those in the countryside and that I should be looking to wear black, or navy at the very least.

So, firstly checking in with Irish Mumsnetters to see if this is the case? Secondly, if it is, I am thinking of wearing a black dress with small white polka dots and a black jacket and flat shoes for the inevitable standing around. The dress is a shirt dress, so modest, not clingy. Does this sound appropriate? I don't really want to have to buy an entirely black dress that I'll probably never wear again. I also don't want to be the clueless English fool who isn't showing proper respect.

I know it will be a wake with an open coffin, but I've done one of those here in the UK, so I'm prepared for that.

Anything else that are likely to be stand out differences?

Thank you.

I think your outfit is fine. Smart causal,no jeans is usually what we go for.

Depending on how many cousins your partner has you could be expected to help at the wake,do dishes,serve tea etc it's grand gives you a purpose for being there and there's always craic in the kitchen lol. Neighbours etc will arrive with sandwiches tray bakes etc. Sometimes people will make dinner for the immediate family,pot of stew,curry that type of thing.

Agree with all of this. Death is a natural part of life so I don't see why it needs to be kept a secret. I see the open casket as a chance to say goodbye to the person and gain closure. And having the wake with the casket in the house makes you feel as if the person is still there with you.

I've viewed open coffins since I was a child and have done the same with my own children - it takes away the mystery surrounding death.

It might seem odd to some, but we find the idea of having our loved one left alone in a funeral home or a morgue really uncomfortable. One of my uncles passed and for logistically reasons was going to have to stay at the undertakers for the night, so his sister and brothers went and stayed with him all night there. They hated the idea that he would be alone.

Yes, I know death is a natural thing and I can tell moving stories about seeing my mother in the care home after she died, and being there with Dad when he passed - but personally not in a generally social setting or with family who may not have been familiar with them really at all, nor seen them for the last few years.

At the wake, there is usually a space set aside for the body, a dining room or whatever. Most people go in to pay their respects, but it is not compulsory. I have only ever seen closed casket at the service.

Usually the priests comes and says prayers, the coffin is closed and carried to the church the night before the funeral.

What is the problem with an open casket though? I kissed my mother in hers. Also my grandparents. The children drew pictures and made cards for their granny and placed them in. I put in a letter. It is part of the grieving process.

It is odd to me that people seek to remove themselves so much from the dead so quickly.

How would you not know where to look in a bloody big church? Your friend is such a drama llama!

I was at a funeral just last month and they had a marquee up in the garden for the wake, folk he hadn't seen for decades were there to say goodbye and talk to his wife, told stories about him at his work.

It was something I found so brilliant, the neighbours and comminity supporting the family.

We're all different, what you want to do and feel right with is fine, it's just the terminology some folk use about Irish wakes and funerals that sometimes comes across a bit disrespectful (not you)

It's not always open casket at the service. My great-aunt was 95 when she died in 2022 and the coffin wasn't open during the service itself. Yes, it was a Catholic service in Belfast which is pretty much the only sign to outsiders these days my family is Catholic.

So, it varies as to whether coffins are open in Northern Ireland or closed. It depends on circumstances, family, etc.

From these posts it’s clear that oh’s not a bit different it’s a LOT different! I live in England, I might have to make sure I’m shipped home for burial …

‘So, it varies as to whether coffins are open in Northern Ireland or closed. It depends on circumstances, family, etc.’

I’m N Irish - the only closed coffin I ever saw was at the funeral of someone who’d been murdered in a bomb blast.

This is lovely. I put my mum's lipstick on because my niece said she wouldn't be happy with everyone coming to visit her and her without her lipstick. She was 4, and she was entirely right.

Same here.

Your outfit sounds perfect.

I was at a very rural GAA funeral recently (ancient relative, biiiig GAA family) and it wasn't sandwiches as expected - they had chicken curry, roast ham and turkey, and a million salads! Naturally everybody had everything all at once, which was quite the novel taste combination, but I was impressed - clearly funeral food standards have gone up considerably in the last 20 year or maybe it was just the GAA.

Strongly disagree with the "wear whatever you like". Smart and dark colours shows respect. "Whatever you like" MIGHT be respectful, if you happen to be a generally well-dressed person, but could be misleading for those of us sitting on the sofa right now in a pair of old leggings and a hoodie!

Oh, I meant at the wake

A relative murdered by PIRA obviously had a closed coffin at all times.

Others who died of old age, sure you could see the coffin open the day or two before. Same with a relative in England.

I personally didn't find huge differences in the actual services in NI & England. The difference seems to be before the service, e.g. brought home, paying respects, night vigil, etc.

Be prepared that it will be a full scale requiem mass so you'll be in the church a long time-an hour or more.

I amfor going home to be buried. I am not lying in a funeral parlour or sitting in some fridge. In my head, that happens people who have no family and noone who loves them. It is unheard of. I did't know a single person it had happened to until I moved and I just don't like it.

Your outfit sounds fine.

The only advice I have is to practise saying sorry for your trouble whilst shaking hands. It's traditional for everyone to line up and shake the hands of the immediate family who sit in the front pew. Be prepared to be drawn into a hug.

I’m Irish and raised Catholic and honestly, I’ve only seen this traditional Irish wake stuff in films and tv programmes. Every funeral I’ve gone to, people have just been wearing something vaguely dark and sombre looking and/ or tried to look neat and tidy. When we’ve had the body laid out in the house (which we haven’t done for decades since my grandmother died), the form was to be respectful and quiet. You went in for a while to sit with the body and say goodbye or a prayer or whatever. There was drink and food put out but nobody ever got drunk with the body in the house. Some people might go to the pub afterwards but close relatives often don’t especially if the person died young or tragically or following a long illness. Sometimes people book a room in the local pub for after the funeral with sandwiches etc available instead of a wake. I’ve seen people get drunk at these things and I’ve had too much myself on occasion but I’ve never had a good time at a funeral or wake and personally I don’t understand how anyone can. There’s never been anything like a party atmosphere or celebration so I would play it by ear and take the lead from the close family. There’s often people who turn up at a wake or funeral afters, get pissed/ act inappropriately or make a day out of it, usually when they’re not close to the family, but that doesn’t make it a party.
What you’re planning to wear sounds absolutely fine.

I'm in Ireland and every funeral I've ever attended has been at a funeral home. I've never seen someone laid out at home and I've a huge extended family.

We definitely had a house full of people with the deceased laid out for my grandparents and their generation. A few drinks at the house and often on to the pub for some while others stayed and chatted over tea or a small sup. My townie brother was taught a hard lesson though when he went for "a couple" of pints with some extended cousins the night before my grand uncle's funeral 😂

@SparkyBlue what part of Ireland, I live in the west and its the norm here to lay the dead out at home if possible.

It can vary depending on the region but expect

• initial night after death - usually Rosary in the house with immediate family (usually you might have the body)
• night before the funeral mass EITHER lay the body out at home (wake) OR in funeral parlour. Funeral parlour is more formal, immediate family sit or stand in designated areas and while community lines up to go one by one and shake hands, say prayers by the body, more rosary, the body might be transported to the church overnight or home where someone will sit up with it. If it's a wake at home it will be more informal but a priest will call by to do the rosary. Or old ladies will - you might have several long rosaries!
• on the day of mass get to the church 45 minutes at least before the mass. Usually family sit on left hand side of church in the top 10 pews (as it's a nephew pick 3rd/ 4th row). Again the community will line up to come shake hands with immediate family in front row. This is always an issue when family are late for mass. After the mass you usually carry the body direct to graveyard if closeby OR load into the hearse and there is a procession up the town with immediate family and friends walking behind the coffin if they are able, and other mourners driving behind the walkers. This is a strategic one - you don't want to walk and end up miles away from your car and then be late going to graveyard.

Always have umbrella for this walk and graveyard. Graveyard will be more prayers, a bit more rosary, and take a half hour or so and someone will announce where to go after for lunch. Full lunch usually provided in nearby hotel and that completes it. 1 month after the death you have the months mind, a special memorial mass that the family gathers for.

You need an outfit for the funeral home/ wake and one for the mass/ burial. An umbrella. Tissues. Shoes you can walk in. A willingness to make tea and a good sense of timing if you want to get out of the numerous rosaries.

Yes, the wake is the day before. Sometimes there is a proper wake in the house or sometimes the body is brought to the church instead. In that case people come shake hands with the family and pay their respects, say prayers. Its usually just for a few hours.

For a house wake, the house is open for a few hours for friends and neighbours to pay their respects, and then in the evening it usually is just close friends and family. The priest usually comes and say the rosary. Expect endless cups of teas, and hot whiskies. I think its just very close family staying with the body into the wee small hours.

After the wake, the next morning the body is taken to the church. Then mass, then the burial, then pub where you stay long into the night drinking.

Your outfit sounds grand, its not very formal. Bring a rainjacket or warm coat for the standing around outside bits.

I would have 2 outfits if you can.
The wake will go on for hours ( in the house or funeral home) and your partner will probably be there for most of it as a close relative.

Neighbours, friends etc dress casually for a wake, some very casually. As a member of the extended family I'd dress a bit more formally but dark trousers/skirt with a muted blouse/top is fine (white top is fine too).
The wake is the bit before the burial to me.

Dress perfect for next day. Yes to umbrella, light jacket etc. Keep an eye on the forecast at least.

Also, customs differ depending on the part on the country you're in. I've never seen an open casket at the funeral Mass as people in NI seem to have. Where I am, the casket is always closed at a point during the wake/at the funeral home - it's one of the hard bits for the family and close family are given privacy with the deceased at this time.