To think that an Irish funeral is a bit different to an English funeral?

[MargoLivebetter]

I'm looking for a bit of guidance, as I think that an Irish funeral will be different to an English Funeral and I obviously only have 2 days to prepare! My partner has been as much use as a chocolate teapot with clothing advice.

Firstly, this is a Catholic funeral for an elderly person, not someone who passed away at a young age or in tragic circumstances. They were in their 90s and had a long and well-lived life and died peacefully after a short illness. In England, from the funerals I've been too that are of similar types deaths, this would be seen as a celebration of that person's life and whilst it is unlikely that people would be wearing pink or red, it is unlikely that they'd all be in black.

I was chatting to an Irish work colleague this morning and she said that funerals in Ireland were much more traditional, particularly those in the countryside and that I should be looking to wear black, or navy at the very least.

So, firstly checking in with Irish Mumsnetters to see if this is the case? Secondly, if it is, I am thinking of wearing a black dress with small white polka dots and a black jacket and flat shoes for the inevitable standing around. The dress is a shirt dress, so modest, not clingy. Does this sound appropriate? I don't really want to have to buy an entirely black dress that I'll probably never wear again. I also don't want to be the clueless English fool who isn't showing proper respect.

I know it will be a wake with an open coffin, but I've done one of those here in the UK, so I'm prepared for that.

Anything else that are likely to be stand out differences?

Thank you.

Your outfit will be fine. I actually think Irish funerals are more laid back than English ones and don't have rules as such. Everybody is welcome one to pay their respects and you being there will be very much appreciated.

Any English or Irish funeral I've been to it's been normal to wear all black/dark colours so that's not an Irish thing, it's just a who you know thing

As PP said, your outfit will be fine. And Irish funerals are very laid back especially once the mass and burial are over.

Not sure there is such a thing as an "English funeral" these days tbh.

I have been unfortunate enough to have organised and attended several funerals of close family members over the last few years and none of them involved wearing black. They did not take place in a church or crematorium either, but maybe our family is unusual in this respect.

What does that mean @Welllllllnow ? I've been to plenty of English funerals and it has varied massively. I've found the older the person, the less likely it is to be black or sombre clothing. When you say who you know, what does that mean? My partner is a nephew of the person who died in Ireland. Does that have a significance?

Definitely not needed to wear black to an Irish funeral. Your outfit sounds perfectly suitable. I went to the funeral home for a reposing over the weekend and the daughter of the deceased was wearing a royal blue blouse and jeans. A clean and respectable outfit is all you need.

Your outfit sounds fine, don't stress it. Dark colours are the norm, but it doesn't need to be all black although close family will often wear black. Many people will turn up in their normal work outfits, but the fact they were there to pay their respects is the important bit, not what they were wearing.

Your outfit will be fine, my in laws were Irish, and the Irish funerals I've been to are more formal dress. But the wakes after I've been to have been great joyful occasions with singing once the Guiness is flowing.

You wear dark colours, generally dress nearly - the men will all wear black ties for example.

The coffin - open, and people generally go and sit with a bit with the deceased, but you don’t have to. We would have the person in an open coffin in a small room, some chairs around and people take turns sitting quietly.
The house will be full of people - it’s really common for extended family and friends to go. people rock up with food contributions, tea, coffee that kind of thing.
So for my mum for example, my best friend. Came but so did her siblings, our work colleagues all came, as well as mum’s work colleagues. Friends of my aunts and uncles came to the service.

Then afterwards at the wake of there is one that’s where people will have a drink and generally there’s as much laughing as crying as people chat , tell stories about the loved one etc. There will be children around usually, though it’s rare for them to see the body if they’re young.

If you’ve seen the funeral scene in Derry girls, that’s pretty accurate. It’s very much a community thing, open, and I find them very cathartic. Theres definitely no denial that someone has passed…

It wasn't a coded message don't worry 😂 I just meant that my Irish family regardless of age have been all black and any English funeral I've been to has also been all black. You've said you've attended more colourful funerals so it entirely depends who you know as to the type of traditional black vs if people would want colour etc rather than Irish vs English

Unless you're in the family I wouldn't worry about it. Something plain/sedate is perfect. I've worn cream to a funeral before in the summer. Something respectful is the biggest bit of it and that can mean anything. For my Gran respectful meant sparkly high heels and a wild outfit.

Ahh an Irish wake. Fond memories.

Ok, so that's another question. I thought the wake preceded the funeral? Is it the praying and sitting with the body the day and night before, or is that called something different?

Some of the best ‘dos’ I have been to have been funerals… sounds weird but it a very connected, joyful thing when the person has had a ling life and passed without tragedy. You laugh, cry and get it all out.
I find English funerals very stiff in comparison, as if people are so worrries about being respectful they almost can’t acknowledge the death.

@Livelaughlurgy I'm with my long-standing partner and he is a nephew. We've been over a fair bit over the years, so not estranged or distant. Does nephew constitute family or do you mean close family?

I've seen people turn up at funerals in anything from all black to denim shorts, all at one funeral. All black, if it happens, is generally for immediate family, I'd say. What you're planning sounds perfect, even for a more traditional, older crowd. You're absolutely right about the flat shoes

I would look as smart as possible, even glamorous. Could be a lighter shirt or scarf with blue grey lavender silver tones. Something dark somewhere and not bright red outfit but I think stylish and elegant rather than modest and retiring. Jewellery fine.
It's a celebration of their life, and a religious ceremony. So dress up if you are a close relative. Not in black from head to toe though!
(The last Irish funeral I went too, yes several casually dressed but they were the acquaintences distant neighbours, most closer relatives felt a sense of occasion)

I think your outfit is perfect for a nephew. I wouldn't wear cream but the white polka dots wouldn't matter. You'll fit in with the cousins.

Correct. At an Irish funeral the wake is before. Afterwards the ceremony and burial there will often be a reception with food.

Also the fact that you're posting implies you've put thought and effort in which is the most important bit.

The last funeral the widow (quite old) was dressed in a fabulous dress certainly not puritanical...I was impressed by the way she chose to honour the memory of her husband by being as glamorous as possible.

To add, I think your outfit sounds absolutely fine

When it was immediate family, I found it incredibly disrespectful and hurtful when some people turned up brightly coloured and I was in my 20s at the time so it varies so much

It’s all sort of the same thing. We bury quickly and often bring our lives one home.
My mum died on a Tuesday morning at home, was taken by the undertakers, and returned that evening back to the house.
Family then took turns sitting vigil, open coffin, day and night.
The house was full of people calling in the next few days. People bring sandwiches and snacks, tea coffee, even an urn was brought from somewhere for hot water.
we don’t lift a finger, kind friends and family took care of the kitchen.
she was buried in Friday morning. Then the mourners all came back to a local restaurant for the last part of the wake, and that’s where there was alcohol and food.

Some people came to the house, some just to the service and burial, by many came to all of it including the wake afterwards.

That’s all pretty standard. The level of merriment after depends on who died - my mum’s was a hoot, but the atmosphere is very different for a child’s
death.

Just make sure you get a lift, there will be lots and lots of booze.

I went to one funeral of a younger cousin, and it was specified - wear colour please.
Your outfit sounds fine to me.
Besides, if some aul one isn’t scandalised by some young one’s behaviour, is it even a proper funeral???