To think that an Irish funeral is a bit different to an English funeral?

[MargoLivebetter]

I'm looking for a bit of guidance, as I think that an Irish funeral will be different to an English Funeral and I obviously only have 2 days to prepare! My partner has been as much use as a chocolate teapot with clothing advice.

Firstly, this is a Catholic funeral for an elderly person, not someone who passed away at a young age or in tragic circumstances. They were in their 90s and had a long and well-lived life and died peacefully after a short illness. In England, from the funerals I've been too that are of similar types deaths, this would be seen as a celebration of that person's life and whilst it is unlikely that people would be wearing pink or red, it is unlikely that they'd all be in black.

I was chatting to an Irish work colleague this morning and she said that funerals in Ireland were much more traditional, particularly those in the countryside and that I should be looking to wear black, or navy at the very least.

So, firstly checking in with Irish Mumsnetters to see if this is the case? Secondly, if it is, I am thinking of wearing a black dress with small white polka dots and a black jacket and flat shoes for the inevitable standing around. The dress is a shirt dress, so modest, not clingy. Does this sound appropriate? I don't really want to have to buy an entirely black dress that I'll probably never wear again. I also don't want to be the clueless English fool who isn't showing proper respect.

I know it will be a wake with an open coffin, but I've done one of those here in the UK, so I'm prepared for that.

Anything else that are likely to be stand out differences?

Thank you.

@Buryyiirwhat that made me chuckle, thank you. I'm far from young!

Aye, don’t drive - you’ll be drinking after. I made the mistake of driving once and ended up ferrying very drunk uncles here and there…

The wake is before, with the open casket, then the service is either later same day or next morning, then there will be something after, sometimes sandwiches, sometimes full on catered, may or may not have alcohol, likely to be in the church hall.

We found after the wake the family would have a drink but then go home after the church hall event.

Get yourself sat beside an older granny or fella, they’ll give you a run down on all the family scandals, rate the funeral out of 10, and tell you about all the odd things they’ve seen at the 5 other funerals they’ve been to that week.
’ A cardboard coffin it was! Cardboard! sure, with the money they have? They said it was because he was for saving the planet or something, but I was worried he was going to drop out the bottom before they even carried him out of the church! And what if it had if rained??’

An actual conversation I had with an elderly uncle at a funeral! It wasn’t cardboard, but it was an eco coffin, apparently…

🤣🤣

tbh these days I have a simple funeral outfit (black dress/tights/shoes) so I can’t offend. (Unless specific colours required obviously).

victorian colours of mourning and half-mourning were black, grey and all shades of purple is my random fact.

Your outfit sounds fine OP. My parents were Irish and I have lived in Ireland for years now so I have a bit of experience of funerals both sides of the Irish Sea. When my mother died, my father didn't have any black clothes at all and just wore his best suit. I was in black except for my shoes because I didn't have a suitable apir of black shoes with me as I'd come over from England in a hurry and been more worried about packing for my small son than myself. My mother had been ill for some time but she deteriorated rapidly and they bury them rapidly here, the next day if possible so it was all a mad rush.
The hurry to put the deceased in the ground and the fact that you don't need an invite to an Irish funeral are the main differences I have found. When my father died the priest wanted the funeral the next day but I said it was too soon- I hadn't got my head around it at all. He was very perturbed by this and insisted my father was buried the day after. I still didn't feel ready but I had to go along with it. Unless there are close relations who have to travel from abroad, they don't like to delay burying you in Ireland!
In terms of who comes, the local paper and radio stations have Obituary programmes and if you had any connection to the deceased at all, even if you just worked with their sister 20 years ago, you'd likely go to the funeral. Most people do have their relation reposing at home and people come round to shake your hand and say "Sorry for your trouble." but my son was still young so I had my father reposing at a funeral home and I had to get a babysitter and sit there for hours having my hand shook by hundreds of people, most of whom I didn't know and didn't know me, to the point that my cousin started telling them I was the deceased's daughter. I couldn't wait to get out of there. The next day there is the Requiem Mass in the Parish church and then everyone proceeds to the graveyard for the actual burial. There could be hundreds of people at the Mass and burial. If the deceased lived in a village , the entire village will likely be there. As the lady is very elderly, I'd say there will be hordes of people coming to give their respects whilst she reposes and then at the Mass and burial. There may well be people praying the Rosary in the room where she reposes , as we Catholics pray for the souls of our dead and she would likely have been devout if she was in her 90s.
After both my parents funerals, we went to a pub, but many families will continue with drinks and food back at the family home, with people coming and going or staying for the duration. It can be more like a party in a way. I would say that Irish funerals are less sombre than English ones but for the bereaved, the experience is heart-breaking and painful regardless of where they live or culture or religion. Just say "Sorry for your trouble" or "Sorry for your loss" and follow your DP's lead! You'll be grand!

Your outfit sounds fine. It's the wake rather than the ceremony itself that will feel different to a uk experience. Irish wakes can be very uplifting and a true celebration of the person and the lives they touched.

That's really helpful @Blubbled . They were / are very religious. Although nominally Catholic myself (and very lapsed these days), they seemed to have a whole other brand of Catholicism going on! I was always amazed at the statues in the house, which I've never seen here in England and the many different types of church type things they seemed to go to - Angelus?. I'd only ever heard of Mass, but there were so many things and so many rosaries too!

I think the entire town will be there for the actual funeral mass. Again DP is useless on helpful information about the wake, but I'm guessing the entire extended family (which is a lot in itself) and family friends and neighbours. They were a very well liked couple and I guess like most people in a small rural town, fully involved in all the community activities.

Yup, sounds like you’re in for the full experience… just go with it. It’s how we mourn though it may not seem like mourning at times…

Honestly unless you are immediate immediate family the dress code is very relaxed. As we are having fine weather people could turn up in just about anything. You have to remember that people will go to the funeral who are neighbours or old neighbours or work colleagues of family members or ex work colleagues etc etc and they just just go in between the school run or take an hour off work or an early lunch and will be wearing whatever is they are wearing and not necessarily dressed up for the funeral if that makes sense.

I second this. When I think of my mother’s I overwhelming remember the laughter and celebration, and she died too young and suddenly.
I was torn between devastating grief and pride in the joy she clearly brought on many, many people.

You are all so helpful. I have another question:

Can I wear the same outfit for the wake as the funeral mass - even though they are different days?

We've only got carry on luggage, so I can just about get a hanky in with one outfit change! If I could wear the same thing for both, that would be a great help.

I'm glad it was helpful OP!
I grew up with very devout Irish Catholic parents so we had a fair few holy statues and pictures but not as many as my grandparents and other relations here in Ireland, who we'd visit every Summer. Also, there holy statues and shrines all over Ireland, including in the village I live in which you wouldn't see in England at all, except perhaps at Walsingham. I suppose as I grew up with it, I'm used to it and personally, I love it and now have a few holy statues around the house myself and would like more!
RTÉ and the radio broadcast the Angelus every day at 6PM so I'd be used to that too, although I don't watch RTÉ anymore. I do say the Rosary nearly every day and hear Mass every Sunday myself now as I have reverted after decades of being lapsed. I have even signed up for Eucharistic Adoration but will only be able to go occasionally due to commitments. It's an aspect of Life in Ireland that I love anyway!

Of course! But actually, I would wear ‘normal’ clothes to the house and save the ‘funeral’ outfit for the church/ wake … but as people have said before, there will be people leaving work to pop to the service and they’ll be wearing whatever they wear for work anyway

I usually wear black and glam on my mums side (they're city and rich), and then more casual and sometimes colour on my dads side (rural and don't like formality). My grandparents deaths have been a great celebration - they were happy to go and it was great to catch up with the extended family. had a couple of premature ones which are just so sad, but still great to catch up with everyone and there is usually tears mingled with laughter (and my uncle's boot filled with amazing wine as he lives in the south of france).

And yeah usually wear normal clothes for the wake, but a bit more presentable than usual as you see so many people you haven't seen for ages and get the inevitable haven't you got fat/grey/old comments!

Greetings from Dublin.

You can wear what you want op, no one cares.

When did they pass because we bury our dead very quickly here, often within three days.

Aw @Blubbled that's lovely. I'm glad you have found happiness with your faith.

Lol, @OhFensa the "haven't you got sad / fat / old" comments seem to be universal. Definitely get all those delightful observations here too! That said I am looking forward to seeing everyone. They are the loveliest family (I guess that's where DP gets it from) and I'm genuinely honoured to be having the chance to say goodbye.

I'm always a little surprised when I read things saying that everyone wearing black is unusual these days... I've never ever been to or even seen a funeral where anyone doesn't wear black! So strange how these things can vary so wildly. Rural England for reference.

I'm from the west of Ireland and things have changed in the last 20 years, the whole black clothes thing isn't as strict anymore. Generally immediate family might be in dark clothes (suits) or well dressed, but at not every funeral and dress code is more casual for non-family. Some people call in on their way to or from work also so it's not possible to get dressed up.

Great progress when you compare it to when my brother died 30 years ago: my mother and grandmother would have worn black for a whole year afterwards and this was not unusual.

I'm Irish and buried my dad last year. I didn't notice what anyone was wearing. But I had black trousers and boots and a dark top and black coat. As long as you don't turn up in work overalls it's ok. And my dad wouldn't have cared if you turned up in a bright pink outfit!

some of the replies here are baffling! Glamorous?!! Your outfit sounds perfect, I think some ideas here (incl your colleague's) are possibly a bit outdated or just odd. Only the family/chief mourners tend to be very formally dressed in my experience. I always just try to be soberly/ quietly dressed iyswi.

The wake is before the funeral, the funeral is followed by the burial.

Repeating what others have said - wear what you like for the wake as it is a casual 'pop in' affair. I'd dress up a bit more for the funeral mass and graveyard afterwards and wear dark clothes for that, but not necessarily all black (unless I wanted to look like one of the chief mourners).

Be prepared to eat your body weight in sandwiches as well 😁

I'm Irish in Ireland btw.