To think that an Irish funeral is a bit different to an English funeral?

[MargoLivebetter]

I'm looking for a bit of guidance, as I think that an Irish funeral will be different to an English Funeral and I obviously only have 2 days to prepare! My partner has been as much use as a chocolate teapot with clothing advice.

Firstly, this is a Catholic funeral for an elderly person, not someone who passed away at a young age or in tragic circumstances. They were in their 90s and had a long and well-lived life and died peacefully after a short illness. In England, from the funerals I've been too that are of similar types deaths, this would be seen as a celebration of that person's life and whilst it is unlikely that people would be wearing pink or red, it is unlikely that they'd all be in black.

I was chatting to an Irish work colleague this morning and she said that funerals in Ireland were much more traditional, particularly those in the countryside and that I should be looking to wear black, or navy at the very least.

So, firstly checking in with Irish Mumsnetters to see if this is the case? Secondly, if it is, I am thinking of wearing a black dress with small white polka dots and a black jacket and flat shoes for the inevitable standing around. The dress is a shirt dress, so modest, not clingy. Does this sound appropriate? I don't really want to have to buy an entirely black dress that I'll probably never wear again. I also don't want to be the clueless English fool who isn't showing proper respect.

I know it will be a wake with an open coffin, but I've done one of those here in the UK, so I'm prepared for that.

Anything else that are likely to be stand out differences?

Thank you.

Yep, I'm Irish and this is very much what our family does.

The clothing, unless it's been specified for everyone to wear bright colours, pink etc (which happens quite often if it's what the deceased person preferred and left instructions), then it would be subdued clothing, example black, grey, navy, so your outfit sounds fine.

We are sad that the person has gone but its very much a community/family/bit of a party.

I have Irish family and English family so have been to funerals on both sides. I don't see a huge difference between the two tbh. The biggest difference that I have observed is that attendance at Irish funerals is much wider, e.g. my uncle's boss attended my grandfather's funeral despite never having met him and having to travel quite a long way. So typically bigger numbers.

I agree that bright colours are increasingly the norm at funerals. I think it's a positive change personally. I have already told dd that I want mine to be a celebration of my life and not a dirge!

I don't know why you quoted my post? :)

A wake - wear what you want (obviously as long as it's modest). A funeral you need to be formally dressed in a dark colour. I'm a bit puzzled by other Irish people saying 'wear what you want'. You need to dress properly at a funeral.

If there is a dress code it will listed on RIP.ie - most recent death notices | rip.ie

As it is family just be smart probably not orange/red/white etc.
somber colours
the friends, neighbours, work colleauges will be in causel dress

The thing that surprises me about English funerals is HOW LONG it takes to bury someone. it can be weeks. I couldn’t bear the thought of soneone I love being alone in some morgue somewhere for a week or 2…

@elizabethdraper that link is fantastic, thank you. Just looked it up. No specific code, so I think my proposed outfit will be more than fine.

I'm Irish and have been at a few funerals recently. Your outfit sounds fine.
Irish funerals are very personable and it is generally the done thing to either go up to the top of the church beforehand and shake hands to commiserate with the nearest family of the deceased or to do this immediately after in the church yard. Its a really nice and comforting aspect.

As @Crokepark said the funeral itself is generally dressy, so think formal around your chosen outfit.

Irish living in Ireland and yes black is for the best on the day of the funeral itself but anything the night before at the wake. I mean I would go dark colours but casual enough.

You don't need to wear your funeral clothes for the wake before. That is a casual affair. People pop in and out wearing just whatever else they are dressed for, jeans, work clothes, it doesn't matter. I would just look smartish if I were you, colour is not relevant.

If you want to be helpful, assist with catering the wake. It is easy as people will randomly drop in with baked goods, sandwiches etc, but all new arrivals need offered tea and food. Hands-on help will be appreciated by immediate family who have to host all the mourners. At my mum's wake, my friends and cousins took over the kitchen in shifts and ran a tight ship with catering and cleaning up. We appreciated it. People call from quite early until late at night.

The immediate family will take shifts in sitting with the deceased. They are never to be left alone. We did it round the clock for 3 days, 2 nights. So I also appreciated the friends who reminded me that I had not eaten. It is easy to get caught up with all the chatting to visitors.

Your funeral outfit sounds perfect.

Perhaps I'm missing something here but the fact it's an open coffin/casket and you will be looking at a dead body is the overriding difference it seems to an English funeral, given everything concerned. If this is how it is at the wake I'd give it a miss, likewise I understand it can also be an open casket at the funeral service itself? Can't get my head round that - a long-standing family friend showed up to her mother's funeral in Northern Ireland and was gob-smacked to find on arrival that it was open casket at the service, least that's the way she tells it. She didn't know where to look.

The wake is the night before the funeral, usually in the house and is the biggest difference to an English funeral. Usually very informal, some praying and in the West we wouldn't leave the body alone overnight. I live on the east coast now, and it's not the traditional here.
As family your DH might be asked to do a reading at the funeral.
There will usually also be "afters" following the funeral. Usually a full meal or a buffet. This is the bit UK people call the wake, but isn't.

@NewspaperTaxis I have never been to a funeral with an open coffin myself but being Irish (not NI) I have seen that many dead bodies it would not bother me. Your friends response to seeing it is a bit OTT mind.

You don’t have to see the body, they aren’t in the front hall with everyone traipsing past!

They’ll be in a separate room, quiet away from everyone and it’s entirely up to the individual whether or not to go in and sit or pray or whatever. Not compulsory at all.

In my experience most Irish people DO see the body, and it definitely gives closure seeing the body.

I have seen many bodies in my lifetime, which English friends find strange but equally I find it odd that some of them have NEVER seen a dead body.

I am thankful for the one black dress in my wardrobe, I only wear it to funerals. I never need to think about what I will wear to funerals. Helpful if you have no warning. Got it when my dad died when I was 33 and I’ve worn it 6 or so times in last 15 years.
I don’t have an extensive wardrobe. But this seems like a practical addition.

I'm fine with the dead body thing. I've seen my own father when he was laid out, a great aunt and and a granny. They all looked so peaceful. We have nothing to fear from the dead. The living are a whole other matter altogether 😉.

Wear what you want , that outfit sounds perfectly fine. I'm irish , the most important thing is that you are there not what you wear. Bring hand sanitiser for after all the hand shaking .

I forgot something. All of the UK funerals I attended were cremations. Very few Irish ones are. The family will usually walk from the church to the graveyard following the hearse. Pack sensible shoes and a rain coat just in case.

🤣

Watch the film Waking Ned.😁

I've seen posts like this before on here and it puzzles me, again maybe because our family (Irish protestant) bring our loved ones home, after the funeral parlour, for us they are in an open casket in their bedroom and friends are in and out of the house all day. If they don't wish to see the deceased they don't have to, but quite honestly it was my mum and dad, the only difference was that their life force had gone.

Maybe the difference is that its not a horror movie but a very natural thing, we are all born and we will all die.

I appreciate of course that some folk may find it uncomfortable, but in Ireland it's a very normal thing, and I find it a positive and comforting thing.

I was 14 when I saw my grandmother’s body, and I found it comforting because Inknew she wasn’t there. She was such a vibrant & lively person that I knew that her spirit/soul/ life force was gone and it helped me realise that SHE really was gone. Gave me real closure.

My parents were Irish. My experience is that Irish funerals are not prescriptive. Wear whatever you like.

My husband is English (I think of myself as English too). Funerals on his side, where people are non-religious and go to church only for weddings and funerals, are far more uptight and people think they have to wear Victorian mourning garb.

Thanks for your post. My son was 12 and daughter 14 when my mum died. She was like your grandmother, a huge personality.

I made absolutely sure they actually wanted to see her, and they did, and sat with her for a long time, my daughter was brushing her hair as she said the funeral director has parted it wrong and her geannie would have been raging!😁

If they hadn't wanted to, I wouid have completely understood.