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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this right that I can’t go on holiday without ex agreeing?

125 replies

Pertue · 19/06/2024 09:37

I have told ex me and dd (4) are going to Italy for a week in July. He hasn’t responded. It’s not during a time he would usually see her or anything like that (he sees her ad hoc, his choice, I tried to have a schedule). Am I not allowed to take her unless he agrees?

OP posts:
GerbilsForever24 · 19/06/2024 13:28

If you look at the UK government guidelines, you'll notice that they are suspiciously vague. so it specifically says that you need the permission of the other parent to take a child out of the country, but does not provide any details on what that permission might look like.

In REAL life, what happens is that any parent travelling without the other parent takes birth certificates as well as passports. There is a decent chance that said parent will be asked more questions than other people at immigration, but usually this appears to check that everything is fine, the children are travelling happily etc. I have been asked why my child's dad was not travelling with us once (but was not asked to prove that he was okay with it) and have been asked to prove my relationship to the children on a couple of occasions by producing a birth certificate (they have different surname to me and while we all have UK passports, I was born somewhere else so I suspect that makes it more of a flag. Especially with DD who does look like me, sort of, but has her father's dark hair, skin and eyes vs my red haired/ pale skin/blue eyes).

theoretically, if you have a volatile relationship with an ex, he could pre-empt your travel by putting a flag on you as traveling without permission. I have never heard of this actually happening, but I absolutely can believe it. But it does not sound like this is an issue in your case.

On MN, people are always terrified of this. In reality, in the very very unlikely event you're pulled over, they'd just call him.

edited to add: You should, however, ALSo check the rules of the country you're travelling to. As a PP says, South Africa, for example, has stricter rules. New Zealand as well I believe. POssibly the US.

needagoodnightsleep1 · 19/06/2024 13:28

Ive travelled loads with my ds, we have different surnames and have never been asked. I did worry about when we went to America, but it has never been a problem

BusyMummy001 · 19/06/2024 13:29

As I understand it, if you don’t have a custody agreement, one which requires his permission/prohibits overseas travel, then no he has no say.

My DH takes my kids to Europe for a week every year (skiing, which I hate) he has never once been asked to clarify where their mother is, his marital status or prove he has permission to remove them.

You are fine to take them on holiday.

DadJoke · 19/06/2024 13:34

You need his permission, and you should get a general letter of permission from him. If he refuses or doesn't answer, you need to go to court.

the2andahalfmillion · 19/06/2024 13:34

BusyMummy001 · 19/06/2024 13:29

As I understand it, if you don’t have a custody agreement, one which requires his permission/prohibits overseas travel, then no he has no say.

My DH takes my kids to Europe for a week every year (skiing, which I hate) he has never once been asked to clarify where their mother is, his marital status or prove he has permission to remove them.

You are fine to take them on holiday.

This is just not true. In the absence of a lives with order then you need the consent of all other people with parental responsibility. Or a specific issues order granting permission to go. That’s the legal position. Enforcement is a different matter.

SudExpress · 19/06/2024 13:35

BusyMummy001 · 19/06/2024 13:29

As I understand it, if you don’t have a custody agreement, one which requires his permission/prohibits overseas travel, then no he has no say.

My DH takes my kids to Europe for a week every year (skiing, which I hate) he has never once been asked to clarify where their mother is, his marital status or prove he has permission to remove them.

You are fine to take them on holiday.

You're wrong.
Read the govt guidelines in the link.

StansRealityStruggle · 19/06/2024 13:37

TakeOnFlea · 19/06/2024 11:31

Nothings going to happen.

Only on MN are people (imagining) being interrogated by the police at European borders.

I was 'interrogated' at Schipol airport in Amsterdam, despite having the same name as my DD. The single Dad and his son whom we'd been chatting too earlier were carted off to a side room as he didn't have written permission from his son's mother to travel.

I'm fairly sure that I didn't imagine the above. It may not happen often (only time for me) but it does happen. For peace of mind, OP, I'd definitely recommend getting permission or a Court Order.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 19/06/2024 13:45

It was Alicante Airport in Spain that I was asked to produce paperwork. Dd has my surname but there are reasons including colouring which probably makes us look more suspect. Thankfully I had the paperwork I needed but I definitely got the impression it was checked very thoroughly and a lot of talking about us going on.

SilverSilos · 19/06/2024 14:13

Hi OP,
I have been stopped twice. One getting onto a cruise, only just got on before sailaway and once in the airport, Stanstead I think. Myself and my ex are very amicable and I got him to talk to the cruise lady and send a mail (some messing about with that as he was also on holiday 1/2 up a mountain at the time) which she claimed to not have gotten. I flipped the lid basically and said to her I could go around the corner, write a letter of permission, and you would not know that I hadn't written it so what is the point?
It's nonsense and does not help the children it is supposed to help as it is too easy to fake.
What helped me was that my daughter was well able to say I was her Mam, her Dad knew she was going on holiday and had even given her some spending money to take with her. Appreciate that latter part might not be the same for you.
In fairness you would not necessarily know we were related as we have very different colouring and she has her Dad's surname.
In both instances we were allowed to travel so if he is acting the ejit I would take a chance but if you would like a copy of the "permission" letter I now use, PM me. Ironically since I have carried the letter I have never been asked for it.
Hope you have a great holiday.

skyeisthelimit · 19/06/2024 14:14

You do need permission so try and get it if you can, but when I went to DLP I didn't ask him for it. I took copies of marriage certificate, decree nisi, both birth certificates and my deed poll, so that I could show the name change trail and that I was her mother.

At passport control at Eurostar they just asked DD aged 11 who she was travelling with and she said my mum and my nana, and they let us through, they didn't ask to see anything else.

However, they could ask for the letter and they could refuse to let you go, so it is taking a risk.

theleafandnotthetree · 19/06/2024 14:16

NuttyNuthatch · 19/06/2024 12:28

I have been asked if I am the mum too (different name and colouring too). A simple yes was enough. I never had to show paperwork. Did you actually have to produce the paper? I have loads of friends who go alone away with kids and I have never heard that anyone has been asked..

No, I didn't have to produce it but always carry it all the same. Of course it could easily be faked but at least its another layer of security. I never thought to bring a copy/screenshot of the birth certificate also, must do that for the next time.

Pertue · 19/06/2024 14:18

What I don’t understand is that you could just write the letter yourself?

I do think ex will sign it as he won’t care if I am going abroad. But actually getting him to turn his attention to it is like a full on admin task in itself!

what happens to married women taking a child on their own? The same thing?

OP posts:
NuttyNuthatch · 19/06/2024 14:19

Pertue · 19/06/2024 14:18

What I don’t understand is that you could just write the letter yourself?

I do think ex will sign it as he won’t care if I am going abroad. But actually getting him to turn his attention to it is like a full on admin task in itself!

what happens to married women taking a child on their own? The same thing?

It doesn't matter in theory if married or not but you are overthinking. Just take the birth certificate in case. You will be fine!

CantFindMyGlasses3 · 19/06/2024 14:20

Definitely not a myth, I was asked if I was the children's mother when I stood in a different q to their dad at the airport... was told we should have queued together as they have his last name.

shearwater2 · 19/06/2024 14:22

I do question the checks being made though. Anyone could have written and typed or signed a letter. If he doesn't reply just write yourself a letter and take her birth certificate.

Pertue · 19/06/2024 14:24

Can it be an email or does it need to be a signed original?

OP posts:
Everydayimhuffling · 19/06/2024 14:26

When I needed a letter I also needed a photocopy of DP's passport showing matching signature and a phone number where they could reach DP to confirm if they wished. It's very dependent on country though. I've never had any questions leaving or arriving in England.

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 19/06/2024 14:30

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 19/06/2024 13:45

It was Alicante Airport in Spain that I was asked to produce paperwork. Dd has my surname but there are reasons including colouring which probably makes us look more suspect. Thankfully I had the paperwork I needed but I definitely got the impression it was checked very thoroughly and a lot of talking about us going on.

I've travelled to Alicante with different surnames, twice, and never had this!

Clearinguptheclutter · 19/06/2024 14:31

A single parent friend who doesn’t speak to her kids’ do goes away all the time. She doesn’t have a letter though she does have the kids bc to prove they are hers (different surname).
she’s never had any kind of issue.

To be on the safe side either get a letter or the aforementioned doc. But otherwise just go anyway.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 19/06/2024 14:37

SilverSilos · 19/06/2024 14:13

Hi OP,
I have been stopped twice. One getting onto a cruise, only just got on before sailaway and once in the airport, Stanstead I think. Myself and my ex are very amicable and I got him to talk to the cruise lady and send a mail (some messing about with that as he was also on holiday 1/2 up a mountain at the time) which she claimed to not have gotten. I flipped the lid basically and said to her I could go around the corner, write a letter of permission, and you would not know that I hadn't written it so what is the point?
It's nonsense and does not help the children it is supposed to help as it is too easy to fake.
What helped me was that my daughter was well able to say I was her Mam, her Dad knew she was going on holiday and had even given her some spending money to take with her. Appreciate that latter part might not be the same for you.
In fairness you would not necessarily know we were related as we have very different colouring and she has her Dad's surname.
In both instances we were allowed to travel so if he is acting the ejit I would take a chance but if you would like a copy of the "permission" letter I now use, PM me. Ironically since I have carried the letter I have never been asked for it.
Hope you have a great holiday.

Because challenging airport security like that never backfires...

You could have found yourself arrested

It's not good advice to tell someone to commit fraud

parentfodder · 19/06/2024 14:41

Ex wouldn't have disputed it but I've been away numerous times with dd and never got asked

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 19/06/2024 14:41

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 19/06/2024 14:30

I've travelled to Alicante with different surnames, twice, and never had this!

Like I said there are reasons I can understand that we stood out, plus it was a very quiet time. I have also travelled abroad numerous times with no issues at all including the same airport. It can be very random but very difficult if its you and you don't have the right paperwork

Olika · 19/06/2024 14:45

Pertue · 19/06/2024 14:18

What I don’t understand is that you could just write the letter yourself?

I do think ex will sign it as he won’t care if I am going abroad. But actually getting him to turn his attention to it is like a full on admin task in itself!

what happens to married women taking a child on their own? The same thing?

I travelled with my DD while my DH stayed in the UK. My DD has his surname, I kept mine. I had a consent form from him. I took the template from internet and just altered it to suit our needs. As I mentioned ruined only one person even asked me about DD's dad. Nobody else cared.
I wonder if you could call him and tell him you are going abroad. Then email him saying as per our conversation blabla and should any official require any information from you I will provide them with your phone number xxx.

BarHumbugs · 19/06/2024 14:53

the2andahalfmillion · 19/06/2024 13:22

I did have a letter, yes. It has the other parent’s full contact details and also passport number. So, if they want to, they can check directly with him. Of course it could be an elaborate ruse with made up phone number, but in this case I was very glad I had it.

another friend was denied boarding when flying to South Africa as she did not have the children’s full birth certificates with her. SA has particular rules to prevent trafficking. People should use govt sources, and double check any country specific requirements with the consulate or FCDO for more potentially problematic countries.

I never took my kids to Mexico for this reason. If a parent travels there without the other parent a notarised legal document needs to be drawn up and translated into Spanish by a recognised translator... People do need to check before travelling.

I never would have thought of it for Germany as we went there so many times, thank goodness for Schengen and living in the south east!

Toooldtoworry · 19/06/2024 14:57

Years ago I lived overseas with my son who did not share my surname and I was always asked questions on my return to the UK as opposed to when leaving which I thought was odd.