Is this right that I can’t go on holiday without ex agreeing?

[Pertue]

I have told ex me and dd (4) are going to Italy for a week in July. He hasn’t responded. It’s not during a time he would usually see her or anything like that (he sees her ad hoc, his choice, I tried to have a schedule). Am I not allowed to take her unless he agrees?

Many people mentioned it on here but we actually know jack shit about the OP's situation. They could have gone through amicable separation and the father doesn't even think that there is a problem with his kid going on holiday just didn't bother replying. Or OP could have just messaged him to say they are going without asking him for permission and he doesn't even know he needs to reply and just took it as "information given - information received".
I am assuming the father is perfectly fine with it so is not suddenly going to wake up and start ringing the authorities and, without that, nobody cares. My partner has a daughter and both him and her mom take her on holiday all the time and nobody in 14 years once asked them to prove that the other parent is in agreement.

That may be

However other people reading this might be in different circumstances

With a partner who would report them because its just another way to be able to abuse and control their ex

Or because they do have genuine concerns they might be trying to abscond with the child

It was general advice to be careful

https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

There's the official information.

Yes, you need the child's father to give you consent. In the same way that you would need to give consent were he to take the child abroad.

Do not listen to incorrect, and potentially dangerous misinformation.

All you need for the majority of countries is a signed letter with his details saying he has no objection. You can download templates.

Surnames have nothing to do with it, beyond acting as a potential red flag if there were already suspicions raised at API or check in stage.

Think of it as like a customs check. We all know you aren't allowed to bring certain things into a country, some people are stopped and checks made, others not. That some people have never been stopped, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. "Only on Mumsnet" do you see people thinking this.

I live in Italy and come back and forth several times a year. DD is now 20 but I was probably stopped about a dozen times in the years when she was a minor. Never any issue because I had the consent letter. I was questioned more times leaving Italy than entering the UK. (Both of us on British passports)

Before I came to live here, I actually worked in this department and at my interview it was the very first question asked. Why should border control pay special attention to a child travelling with just one adult.

Don't worry about it @Pertue , but do get the letter. And have a great holiday.

My DD’s surname is hyphenated (same as yours - my name, hyphen, partner name). I have travelled abroad with her via ferry and plane multiple times without my partner. The first couple of times, I took her birth certificate and was then told by someone on the check in desk that this wasn’t necessary as my surname appears in her surname too, albeit hyphenated. She’s six now and we’ve never been asked for a birth cert or had any difficulties whatsoever. You’ll be fine.

My son and I have different surnames due to my remarriage. I was asked about his relationship to me at border control at Folkestone when talking the Eurotunnel in 2015. He was about 15 at the time. I had a letter from his father with me giving permission to take him abroad but I don't think they asked to see it.

It's nothing to do with surnames and you were given wrong information by check in staff.

The gov link above contains the correct information.

So what do I do if he won’t give permission?

If he actively refuses, then you'll need legal advice and possibly a court order.
But cross that bridge when you get to it.
You do have the right to take the child abroad as you have parental responsibility. The other parent however, does need to give consent for this to happen unless you have a court order in place iyswim? That's the bit that confuses people sometimes.

@SudExpress it’s more a problem that he won’t respond in a timely manner to anything. He won’t actually have a problem with it but getting him to confirm in writing is a whole other problem

Type it out for him and ask him just to sign it.

I, XX, father of YY, born on ZZ give my permission for AA (YY's mother) to take YY to Italy on holiday from date to date. They will be returning to their home in the UK on date. I can be contacted on the telephone number/email address below should further clarification be needed. I am aware that AA is travelling with my daughter's birth certificate confirming we are her parents.

Signature.

Just seen the link from @SudExpress and additional advice provided and clearly they are right.

I think your chances of an issue or being stopped remain very low, but there’s no doubt that technically the letter is needed. I think it’s good advice to write and print it for him and then just ask for his signature if you can.

Sorry that it’s such a pain for you and hope you can get him to sign it without too much hassle.

Maybe I've been unlucky.....of the maybe 8 flights I've taken with my children, I have been asked twice if I am my children's mum (different surname). Both cases I was with my daughter who has, to be fair, very different colouring to me. Both times returning home to Ireland flying via Dublin Airport. I carry a signed letter from their Dad saying he is aware they are travelling with me and have permission to do so.

Where do you recon she will have to show the agreement? Border police does not check it. Nobody does check if. I have been dozens of times alone abroad with the DC and there is no check for it.

OP, just go and don't overthink it.

Nothing to do with surnames.

ime they only stop people with the same surnames- the last sports trip I went on they stopped two (separate) parents with the same names, and asked to see letters of permission from the dads. One managed to get hold of him on the phone, the other couldn’t and very nearly wasn’t allowed to travel.

meanwhile I have never been stopped in 20 years despite having a different surname.

the sports club now mandates everyone has to have a letter from any parent not travelling to avoid this.

If he hasn't objected OP then I think you can take that as having permission. Yes it helps that your name is hyphenated with theirs but just to be on the safe side you could take birth certificates. I am with my kids dad but have a different name to the kids. I have travelled abroad with the kids without him numerous times. I've been asked I'm their mum once and I just said yes. They have my name as their middle name. No one has ever asked if I'm with the father or if he has given permission.

In your shoes, the only way I'd be concerned, is if he actively withdrew his permission eg wrote an email back saying he does not give his permission and if you attempt to go anyway then he will regard it as abduction. If he is not likely to do this, or get solicitors involved, or call the police if he finds you've taken them away, then honestly please just pack their birth certificates, and enjoy your holiday!*

I've never heard of a single parent with birth certificate and no issue with their ex trying to actively prevent travel, having any issues going on holiday, other than possible a standard question at border control.

*I'm assuming you're from the UK and have booked a holiday to a 'standard' holiday destination with return flights. Border control may be slightly more concerned if for example you're from Mexico and are flying to Mexico with your children and no return flight booked as in this situation its more likely in their view that you may want to stay, compared to a UK resident booking a package holiday to menorca.

I have been asked if I am the mum too (different name and colouring too). A simple yes was enough. I never had to show paperwork. Did you actually have to produce the paper? I have loads of friends who go alone away with kids and I have never heard that anyone has been asked..

You have now.
On this thread.

Irresponsible answer. People can be asked . My children have been asked when I’ve travelled alone with them - just ‘who are you travelling with today’, not an interrogation. My parents have been questioned when alone with their DGC - different names

I would chance it. Take the birth certificate. They very rarely ask. I have never been asked. You will be fine!

@Pertue please ignore the people giving you bad advice. You will be fine, and chances are, you won't be questioned. But as you've seen from the actual govt information as well as people on this thread, you may be stopped.

Well if an ex is going to be that much of a dick, they're not going to be reasonable as regards giving consent.

The OP just needs to write a letter to the ex, sent by Recorded Delivery signed for, a month before going on holiday, giving all the information (flight departures and arrivals, hotel details, period of stay) then they won't have a leg to stand on. And who would the ex "say it to". One can only hope someone like that gets done for wasting police time.

questioned or having to produce a written permission?

Just take her birthday certificate.
I've only been asked returning to England which is odd and I show the birth certificate and they once asked my son who i was and he said mummy.
But definitely take the BC.

I've taken My son abroad about ten times.

Usually when children are older, border officers will ask the child themselves.
Otherwise if they've been selected as part of the sample checks, they'll be asked to show the letter and/or birth certificate.
The letter is usually fine. And yes, obviously, it can be forged, at least in the UK. (Some countries' immigration depts insist on a notarised consent letter)

There is no border control on exit from UK airports. That doesn't mean you haven't been monitored in some way before leaving.