AIBU to not pass on a message from my ex-stepdad?

[minnieot]

I’m going to have to miss out some context here so as to not be too outing, but I’ll try my best to explain the situation.

So, I’m a middle child with an older half-brother and a younger half-sister who is only 13 with additional needs. Our DM cut my brother’s dad out of his life, making him believe his dad walked out. She tried the same with my dad, but he fought for custody so got to still see me.

DM met my sister’s dad when I was young, and my brother and I saw him as a real father figure. They had my sister, but years later, broke up. DM then blocked him and my sister’s grandparents from seeing her. My sister now sees DM’s new partner as her dad and thinks her biological dad doesn’t care about her.

When I turned 18, I moved in with my grandparents, realizing the truth about DM. Now, pregnant with my first child, I’ve reconciled with DM because I need her support during my pregnancy and want my son to be able to have a relationship with his grandma.

Today, I got a message from my ex-stepdad, asking me to pass a message to my sister, saying he loves us and wants to fix his relationship with her. He has no way to contact her and doubts DM will help. If I pass the message on, DM will find out, and I don’t want to risk our fragile relationship so close to my baby being born. But I feel guilty keeping this from my sister, she deserves to have a relationship with her dad, and he equally deserves to have access to his daughter. I haven’t responded to him yet because I’m torn about what to do. AIBU?

(Also, I wrote this in my notes and copy and pasted here, unsure why it's a different font - please ignore that!)

If it was me I would pass on the message. Your mother sounds awful and I can't believe you'd want your child exposed to that, but that's a decision for you.

There's a lot of missing context, and I need my mum's support as I don't have any other family around, but I'm not going to allow him to be exposed to anything harmful from my mum. Boundaries are already in place. Thank you though

So you were so upset about your mum lying to you that you moved in with your grand parents, but you don't want to give your sister the opportunity to do the same and get close to her dad and grandparents in case it ruins your relatonship with your selfish mother?

Why don't you post an 'anonymous' letter from him to sis?

I'd respond to your sister's dad and say you really want to help but these are tricky times and you don't want to be in the firing line. Don't fully close the door.

There's no way she'd ever have that same opportunity, as, without being too outing, she has special needs alongside a very rare illness which requires extremely specialist support. She can't go to school because of her illness as she's in hospital a lot of the time, and therefore doesn't know anything other than my mum. My mum is her world, she well and truly believes that her dad was just a "sperm donor" who walked out. I either risk my relationship with all of them, or I'm left feeling guilty for the rest of my life and denying my sister a chance to reconcile with her dad, although I'm not sure if her mindset is already too far gone. I also don't know if I even want to add to her stress levels to have to deal with this when she's already going through so much, it's so complicated.

I don't get why you need the support from someone like her? Are you going to be a single parent? Are physically or medically impaired somehow? If not then there is no reason to need her so much as to justify keeping her in your life and to put her before your sister. Your first loyalty should be towards your sister

Thank you, I think this may be the best idea. I really don't want to just ignore him but I'm really struggling to see what the best course of action would be

Nah, that's not fair on your sister. Your mother sounds pretty awful.

If she’s 13 why can’t her dad go to court to get contact? He is an adult and has a responsibility to her. I don’t know your circumstances, but your responsibility is primarily to your baby now. So if you don’t feel like you can risk your relationship with your mum right now, then that’s okay.

He could also contact your brother and ask him to pass the message on. You are not the only option here.

You need support to deal with this OP. I’d engage your brother and your own dad if you trust him enough. The right thing to do is to let your sister know but with some support of someone too. You can’t carry this responsibility by yourself and your sister can’t manage such a huge thing by herself either.

Why would you prevent a child having contact with her father?
Tbh I wouldn't particularly want someone like your mother around any child of mine, given her previous behaviour.

I understand you don't want to fall out with your DM now you're pregnant but it's very hard on your Sister's Dad to refuse him. Would your DB help? I'm sorry to say it Op, but your DM's a nasty woman to deliberately lie to her children to cut them off from the Fathers.

Thank you for this. I don't entirely know how all of that stuff works, I'm not sure why he hasn't done that, I imagine it isn't the easiest process but I wish he would

Ime you are sadly deluded if you think the sort of dm you have will make a decent /half decent dgm. Protect your dc from her. As is your responsibility.. Pass on the message and rethink your ideas..

Thank you so much. I would try to involve my brother but I feel he's been "groomed" in the same sort of way as my sister has by my mum, he believes everything my mum says and also sees ex-stepdad as the one in the wrong now and I fear he wouldn't be any help. I have messaged my own dad now asking for advice now though

Ask my mum that - I don't know, and I'm not trying to stand in the way myself, it's just such a complicated situation and one I'm feeling very guilty and confused about to be honest

I would consider when your dc arrives you actually won't find you need your dm. Quite the opposite...

She has her good side, and I've really struggled with this pregnancy mental health wise. I'm 21 and don't really have anybody else around and she has been supportive during pregnancy. There will be limits in place when baby is here though, but I do feel I need a support system

I think you should speak to the ex stepdad, explain your situation and why that means you don't feel able to help him at present, but might be able to help in the future. In the meantime, if he wants to pursue alternative ways of contacting your sister, that's fine.

I think you've got a lot going on here.

You certainly don't need your mum, whatever you may think right now. She sounds manipulative.

I do think that it isn't fair to effectively ask you to sort this out though. He could write to your sister, go through court. Lots if options. You shouldn't be making the initial contact.

You do realise that your mother will treat you and her grandchildren as badly as she treats everyone else, Op? Goodness knows why you want your children to have to experience that.

Pass it on. Your sister has a right to know dont be so selfish

I'm really not trying to be selfish but I have to think about my own mental health and my baby right now too, it isn't easy

I think pp are being a bit harsh. Your mother sounds like she is dealing with a lot constantly in hospital with your sister. Supporting you with your pregnancy and mental health. She doesn’t sound like a terrible mother. Maybe one that didn’t always make the best decisions.
However, your Step-Dad is a grown man. If he wanted to have contact with his daughter there are plenty of ways over the years he could have done this. Putting it now on you when you are at a vulnerable time doesn’t make me think poor man. It’s lazy. And you are not selfish to say this is a difficult time for me. If he truly wants to see his daughter you are not his only option.