AIBU to not pass on a message from my ex-stepdad?

[minnieot]

I’m going to have to miss out some context here so as to not be too outing, but I’ll try my best to explain the situation.

So, I’m a middle child with an older half-brother and a younger half-sister who is only 13 with additional needs. Our DM cut my brother’s dad out of his life, making him believe his dad walked out. She tried the same with my dad, but he fought for custody so got to still see me.

DM met my sister’s dad when I was young, and my brother and I saw him as a real father figure. They had my sister, but years later, broke up. DM then blocked him and my sister’s grandparents from seeing her. My sister now sees DM’s new partner as her dad and thinks her biological dad doesn’t care about her.

When I turned 18, I moved in with my grandparents, realizing the truth about DM. Now, pregnant with my first child, I’ve reconciled with DM because I need her support during my pregnancy and want my son to be able to have a relationship with his grandma.

Today, I got a message from my ex-stepdad, asking me to pass a message to my sister, saying he loves us and wants to fix his relationship with her. He has no way to contact her and doubts DM will help. If I pass the message on, DM will find out, and I don’t want to risk our fragile relationship so close to my baby being born. But I feel guilty keeping this from my sister, she deserves to have a relationship with her dad, and he equally deserves to have access to his daughter. I haven’t responded to him yet because I’m torn about what to do. AIBU?

(Also, I wrote this in my notes and copy and pasted here, unsure why it's a different font - please ignore that!)

Where’s the babies father and his family? Why aren’t they supporting you? Where are your grandparents? Why is the only person you’re going to for support one that’s wrecked three children’s lives and actively harmed your relationship with your father? Why are you even considering having a child before you’ve worked through all of that?

Honestly, I'd tell my sister and risk the relationship with the mother. You may think you need this woman, but when you have your baby and reflect on being a mother yourself, in time you'll realise you'll never need toxic people in either of your lives and you'll likely reduce contact anyway. Good luck x

@mminnieot you've had some really harsh replies on here. Right now, you and your baby are the most important thing. You're being asked to deal with other people's stress, tell ex stepdad that you want him to have a relationship, but that you can't help & let it go.
You've mentioned grandparents and your own dad, hopefully they can support you right now, so reach out. A PP added a link for Homestart, message them, get yourself a good support network and give yourself a break. In a few years, you may be in a position to help, but it's not now.

And be cautious posting on MN, it's easy for others to judge, but this is your real life 💐

Your mum sounds like an utter car crash 😕

Her point about stepdad being a sperm donor though… kinda true, no? Because he hasn’t done what your dad did, and go to court. So I’m not sure he’s really worth supporting.

This is a big leap… but I doubt your mother makes good choices in men. Even though your father did go for access, at 18 you end up living with grandparents not him, and now you’re turning to her not him. So sounds like he’s not great really. (apologies if he is dead, as I say - I know it’s a leap, it’s just the feeling I’m getting).

I think you need to speak to the perinatal MH team about how you get support in place not to rely on your mother. You say you have boundaries, but I don’t think you should expose your child to someone that you had to escape and that you need boundaries from!

What support is there from your grandparents, your father’s family, your baby’s father’s family?

Also, seriously and I mean this kindly: contraception. You’re 21, almost still a child yourself, having a baby in an emotional shitshow where you feel you need support and are prepared to accept real barrel scrapings to get it. Don’t be your mum!

Good luck being a good mum yourself - and please, do speak to your midwife if you’re not already doing so, about your support needs.

I wouldn't get involved. Your mum will cut you off. Your sisters dad should have gone to court to get visitation rights, he still can. I'd stay out of it all. No one will thank you for it and your mum will never speak to you again.

What your mom is like doesn't overly play a part in this, in my view. This predominately is about your ex step dad part.

Your ex step dad should never have asked you to be the middle person. That is entirely self-absorbed and selfish of him, given he will know how your mom can be.

The best thing to do is (as people have already said) is to text him back saying, "I would like to help. However, given the circumstances, it isn't possible. I can not put myself in the middle or this. My best suggestion is that you fill in the court forms online and go down the court route cos if you want to see them, that is the only way you will have a chance."

It costs about £300 for him to do that. If he is really interested in seeing them, he will make that effort. Actions speak louder than worse.

You passing on a message, even if your mom wasn't like she is, does what? It doesn't sort contact or the like. Words are easy and leave consequences with you.

Going to court will bring in caffcass officers who will see the whole family, including the children.

Both parents need to be seen, including your ex step dad for suitability. Saying you love someone proves nothing. How far is your ex s.d prepared to go.

Your mom isn't a pleasant person, obviously. However, from my point of view (I have a legal background), for your sister's sake, not your parents, it needs to be dealt with by the family court.

The link is below, which will contain fees. It should be the FP2 form he needs out of that list. You can send him that and see what happens.

That way, if anything comes out, you can simply say to your mom, "You told him to go to court and not ask you to be in the middle."

He is wrong to ask you to do this. Give the responsibility back to him. I would say this even if your mom wasn't like she was.

You are not responsible for him or your mom reactions and actions. Yes, I've said more about your ex step dad than your mom as he never should have put you in this position even if you weren't pregnant.

Words are easy. Give his responsibilities back to him. It is not yours to carry

Sorry, I forgot the link

www.gov.uk/government/collections/family-law-forms

Your siblings Dad had the option to go to court and still does. He chose not to. Your Mum doesn't sound great but she's been there for you all. He is taking the lazy way. 'I want a relationship if someone does all the hard work for me'. It is not your problem to solve. I would block him.

I think it's completely unfair that your step father has put you in this position.

He is an adult. He can fight his own battles.

You have enough in your plate. Passing the message on will make no difference if he doesn't fight for access legally. Your sister is 13 and not in a position to force your mum to allow contact.

You are pregnant. You should focus on yourself and your baby.

Why in the name of hell would you WANT a relationship with such a manipulative nasty woman

She sounds horrific and has stolen children from their father's because their relationship didn't work

I would be keeping my baby as far away as possible

This is what you do. Tell ex-stepdad if he wants to get a hold of his daughter he needs to take it to court. You cannot help him at this time since she is a minor but a court can.

That way you help sister by guiding dad to court. But it’s also out of your hands. Now it’s up to him to do it.

As far as DM please be careful with her. I know you say you need her but don’t let her do to your baby what she did to you and siblings. And since you know she can do that just know she could do it to you with your baby. So be careful and keep your baby safe above all.

Are you still in contact with your grandparents?
Do you still live with them?
maybe get their support

I will say this, @minnieot - I had three babies, alongside depression and post natal depression, without a single moment’s help from my mum. My MIL helped when she could, but didn’t live close by, so could t help much.

I had support from dh, and from my local mum friends - I made friends in the NCT.

So if you do decide to hand on your stepdad’s message to his dd, and your mum does kick off, you will be well able to cope without her help, I am sure. You are stronger than you believe, especially when it comes to loving and caring for your own child.

Hi @minnieot I think you probably need to not be the one to make those waves, for yours and your babies sake.

Does he not know where they live? Could you perhaps send him this information and let him take it from there. Even tell him that you can't be involved and then send it anonymously some time later. He can do with the info what he wants and not have you pave the way. That way you've given your sister the opportunity but not been in the firing line

I can imagine how scary it can be being 21 and pregnant with your first child. You need to put you and your baby first so whatever you think that looks like

It’s really really hard to block a parent! So if that was the case then dad messed up HARD!

this shouldn’t compromise your relationship with your mom.

just be clear you can’t pass that along and he needs to find other means. Even if that means lawyers. Or just not at this time. If you like him keep the door open.

It would be nice for your sister to know the ‘sperm donor’ is thinking about her. So I hope he figures it out, if whatever he did wasn’t bad.

Trauma bond, manipulation, gaslighting, God like figure especially if she is causing injustice is abuse...your sister and yourself sound like your suffering from Stockholm syndrome psychologically

Yes you are being unreasonable and worse. So it’s ok for you to have contact with both your mother and father, but so as not to knock your comfy boat, you’ll deprive your sister of the chance. Take a long hard look at your selfish reflection and do the right thing.

@Lyraloo take a long hard look at YOURSELF leaving nasty comments like yours. You clearly didn't read my additional comments

To be honest, all of your additional comments seem a lot like excuses. Regardless of everything your sister deserves the same chance you had to meet her father. If she has all the info she can make a choice. I feel sorry that you have so little support you need this vile selfish woman in your life and I hope when things are better for you, you can rid your life of her! Whatever happens do not let her destroy your relationship with your sister. You both have rights.