AIBU to not pass on a message from my ex-stepdad?

[minnieot]

I’m going to have to miss out some context here so as to not be too outing, but I’ll try my best to explain the situation.

So, I’m a middle child with an older half-brother and a younger half-sister who is only 13 with additional needs. Our DM cut my brother’s dad out of his life, making him believe his dad walked out. She tried the same with my dad, but he fought for custody so got to still see me.

DM met my sister’s dad when I was young, and my brother and I saw him as a real father figure. They had my sister, but years later, broke up. DM then blocked him and my sister’s grandparents from seeing her. My sister now sees DM’s new partner as her dad and thinks her biological dad doesn’t care about her.

When I turned 18, I moved in with my grandparents, realizing the truth about DM. Now, pregnant with my first child, I’ve reconciled with DM because I need her support during my pregnancy and want my son to be able to have a relationship with his grandma.

Today, I got a message from my ex-stepdad, asking me to pass a message to my sister, saying he loves us and wants to fix his relationship with her. He has no way to contact her and doubts DM will help. If I pass the message on, DM will find out, and I don’t want to risk our fragile relationship so close to my baby being born. But I feel guilty keeping this from my sister, she deserves to have a relationship with her dad, and he equally deserves to have access to his daughter. I haven’t responded to him yet because I’m torn about what to do. AIBU?

(Also, I wrote this in my notes and copy and pasted here, unsure why it's a different font - please ignore that!)

Seems a shame that your mum, who has proven herself to be toxic in regards to relationships, is going to be your main support. Where do your dad, partner and in-laws fit on here? Surely they could support too?

Your mother will turn your child against you when it gets older, my sister (and funnily enough our mother) is like your mum, she is first in everyone's life, she controls relationships, she decides who is in or out of the family. She has now started the same tactics on her grandchildren, her son gave her one warning to stop or she won't be near the grandkids again. She now doesn't see her grandkids unsupervised.

Are you sure that you didn't see your dads because of your mum? Or is just the usual case of the woman taking all the blame?

And why haven't the other dads had the gumption to sort out custody themselves?

I'd say this latest issue isn't yours to solve. Tell your sister's dad that he can go to court to get access, just like every other father. It's not your responsibility to act as the negotiator between your mum and dad.

From a mother who has gone through parental alienation and whose daughter ( now 15) has memories put into her by her dad please don't deny her . I'm rebuilding some sort of rship via messages with my daughter now but she has been so brain washed.
If your sister found out later that you knew and didn't pass the letter on how would she feel?
You mother has denied all of her children a chance to have a normal rship with their other parent and that in itself is child abuse.
Why don't you try and build a rship with your dad or your sisters dad?
Your mother really is manipulative and I would have cut her off by now.
Parental alienation ruins lives!

Pass on the message it would be unfair not to. But cant you pretend to your DM it wasn't you who passed the message on.

I regret even posting this. This post was supposed to be to get advice on what to do. I'm a 21 year old neurodiverse woman expecting my first child and going through the hardest time in my life mentally, god forbid I ask for a bit of advice on what the right thing to do would be. Nowhere did I say that I'm not going to tell my sister, hence why I posted her in the first place. I am not a selfish person and I just refuse to be labelled as such. I love my sister with all of my heart and helped to raise her myself, I would give my life for that little girl and she deserves the world and more. I appreciate everybody who has been kind and understanding, but the people jumping in and calling me selfish and saying I'm as bad as my own mum is just too far, I haven't actually done anything wrong, I was shell shocked to even hear from my step dad the other day after not hearing from him in years. I cannot explain why I need my mum as support and why I don't have any other support without revealing too much and that isn't what this post is about anyway. Sorry for the rant but some of the comments are just too far and too accusatory when I posted here to help me make a decision, not to announce what decision I had made.

You've obviously left a lot of the story out, but based on what you have said, I would pass the message on. Your sister has unfairly had her mind poisoned against her father and she deserves to hear his message if he wants to be in her life.
You add that your mum has a good side, but seriously? She's had three children each with a different father and cut all three fathers out of all three children's lives. Is that really someone you want support from? You might think she's supporting you because it sounds like you have no other comparison, but she will only do you more and more harm.
Could you seek support from your step-father? You must be in touch with him as he came to you with the message. Could you reconnect with your own father and seek support from him and your grandparents?

I would pass the message on.

You had a relationship with your own dad.
You know your mum deliberately tried to stand in the way of it, and she's successfully done so with the fathers of your siblings. That's terrible behaviour unless there was abuse involved.

I think you need to give your sister the same opportunity that you had: a relationship with her father who hasn't done anything to deserve being booted from her life.

Alternatively, tell him to go to court!

Your mum is an utter disgrace and I'd have nothing to do with her if I were you. You are not responsible for fixing the mess she has caused though so don't feel guilty about not passing on messages. There are other routes the father can take to establish a relationship.

I'm sorry you're getting some very insensitive replies on here. Fwiw I don't believe you're selfish, just been put in the middle of a horrible situation that is not of your making.

Can you ask your step dad why he hasn't gone to court for access in all these years, like your dad did? And suggest he does it now?

Because if he's serious about contact then I imagine he'll have to go down this route sooner or later. That one letter is not going to be enough, surely.

You aren’t selfish OP- you are prioritising your baby (as you should). Healthy mother equals healthy baby and at 21 in many eyes you are only just an adult yourself (and don’t mention the baby’s father so I’m guessing he’s no help). You don’t need this stress in your life and shouldn’t have been asked to be piggy in the middle by someone who should know better.

Imo Tell your sisters Dad you definitely can’t do anything until she is an adult - it is not your responsibility to deal with any ramifications of contact (good or bad) as she isn’t your child. It is up to him if he wants to try harder (ie. Via the court’s) to contact her while she is young.

If he’s hasn’t managed to make contact by himself in future, then you could always offer to give your sister her Dads contact details once she is 18 - and then it is up to her whether she is willing (or able) to make contact. It isn’t for a for a 13 year old alone to make that decision imo and it isn’t your choice or business.

It’s a shame all the adults in your life seem to have failed you and your siblings (apart from maybe your own dad and your grandparents)- please just do better for your own child and break the cycle. Good luck and try to let go of this stress now- you’ve got enough to deal with coming up and it’s time to focus on yourself and your baby

Being blunt, this isn't your drama to get involved in. Protect yourself first and foremost. Reply to him saying that sorry, you don't have any sway over your mum or sister and aren't in a position to act as go-between, parenting arrangements need to be made between him & your mum, or where this isn't possible, via the appropriate legal channels. Then block unless YOU want an ongoing relationship with him.

It sounds like telling your sister would be actively putting a child in an untenable position (from what you've said she wouldn't be able to directly facilitate contact regardless). If he is a loving father surely he wouldn't want this for his daughter?

You’re in a very difficult situation OP, and it’s all of your mums making. She’s had three kids with three men and tried to turn each child against their own father. Who is the problematic one here?

I think you need to be upfront with both your mum and your sister in a “don’t shoot the messenger” kind of way and tell the step dad you’ve done that. Is your sister likely to understand and be able to make her own decisions about this in years to come?

Or, if you decide ultimately not to pass on the message and want plausible deniability, then don't reply and if it comes up years down the line with your sister, oh dear you never received any message, maybe it went to the wrong number or into your spam.

And don't feel guilty about it if you decide to take this kind of route. That he has tried to use you as an 'in' is out of order and, honestly, I would be fuming if someone tried to drag me into their drama like this (but I am much older than you and waaay past the people pleasing stage of life most women go through).

Sorry if I’ve missed you answer I g this question but if he’s on her birth certificate why hasn’t he contacted Social Services or sued for access?

Could you reply to his message explaining that you can't get involved in the situation and tell him he needs to go through court etc to get contact? I think that is what I would do.

I'm sorry you have had some harsh replies to your post. It seems posters on mumsnet have real issues treating people kindly and just responding to the specific issues that have been mentioned.

Good luck with your baby 😊

You state your relationship with your mum is fragile. Is this because you have to constantly dance to her tune? Also you say you have boundaries in place for when baby is born. Do you really think these will be adhered to? Is all this toxicity really worth any 'support' you may get from your mum?
As far as the letter goes, I'd reply saying to act as an intermediary would put you under extreme stress and due to the complicated family dynamics, to seek contact through outside agencies.
Good Luck. Put yourself and baby first.

I would explain your predicament to your step dad then maybe he can think of another way to get a message to her?

But I am a bit concerned how you are going to rely on your mum for support when it sounds like she has enough on her plate with your sister already

It sounds like you’ve had a confusing childhood but learning how not to be from your mother will make you a great mum. Interestingly you say you’ve patched things up because you want your son to have a grandma. Do you really want your son to be exposed to someone so damaging? Your sister is still young, I think it’s important that you pass the message on. You’re an adult, have the courage to stand up to your mum if it all hits the fan!

Your stepfather is an adult man who can have contact with his child if he wants. Why has he waited many years to bother, and even then not done anything official?

Your mum probably is awful. But a father who wants to stay in touch has options. Even if he didn't succeed in seeing her, he definitely could have done enough that your sister would know he tried and isn't a "sperm donor who walked out".

OP, I think you need to tell you ex step dad that you can't get too involved in this because you have too much going on yourself. However perhaps you can also give him the up to date address or something so he can try to get access to his DD.
If he genuinely wants to rebuild this relationship it needs to start with your sister his DD. And he will need to go through official channels to get this. There is no way given what you've said that your mum or sister will just allow him back into their lives. And you can't facilitate that for him

So message him back and say thanks for getting in touch, that you can't facilitate access for him but that he may want to explore options for access through courts. There's honestly not much you can do really.

I think some posters aren’t really listening to what you say about your own position. The impact on you will be really big, if you do what your sister’s dad says. Your mum is not perfect, but does offer support and you need her, while also understanding how to protect your child. So it’s fine to keep your mum in uour child’s life. Too many posters say NC too quickly.

your sister’s dad has been a coward, and is now placing what is his responsibility, onto you. That’s not fair. He should have gone to court. If he goes to court, and there’s a Cafcass worker, you could have a chat with them to tip them off about the pattern your mum has of cutting dads off. But otherwise, this is his problem to fix not yours. And definitely not now.

and, even if you did tell her, there’s pretty much no chance she’ll believe you.

Could you pass on her address and ask him to write directly to her thereby removing yourself from the middle?

Get in touch with homestart who provide practical support for parents and carers of children under 5. Start developing external support networks now and keep your mum's help to a minimum.

https://www.home-start.org.uk/

This. Your follow up message doesn't change that. You won't get support from this lady - just more trauma and emotional abuse which will carry on through to your child.

You need to break the cycle and go it alone. Build your own world.