AIBU to not pass on a message from my ex-stepdad?

[minnieot]

I’m going to have to miss out some context here so as to not be too outing, but I’ll try my best to explain the situation.

So, I’m a middle child with an older half-brother and a younger half-sister who is only 13 with additional needs. Our DM cut my brother’s dad out of his life, making him believe his dad walked out. She tried the same with my dad, but he fought for custody so got to still see me.

DM met my sister’s dad when I was young, and my brother and I saw him as a real father figure. They had my sister, but years later, broke up. DM then blocked him and my sister’s grandparents from seeing her. My sister now sees DM’s new partner as her dad and thinks her biological dad doesn’t care about her.

When I turned 18, I moved in with my grandparents, realizing the truth about DM. Now, pregnant with my first child, I’ve reconciled with DM because I need her support during my pregnancy and want my son to be able to have a relationship with his grandma.

Today, I got a message from my ex-stepdad, asking me to pass a message to my sister, saying he loves us and wants to fix his relationship with her. He has no way to contact her and doubts DM will help. If I pass the message on, DM will find out, and I don’t want to risk our fragile relationship so close to my baby being born. But I feel guilty keeping this from my sister, she deserves to have a relationship with her dad, and he equally deserves to have access to his daughter. I haven’t responded to him yet because I’m torn about what to do. AIBU?

(Also, I wrote this in my notes and copy and pasted here, unsure why it's a different font - please ignore that!)

One of the main reasons you are in a bad place is due to your mothers actions.

and she is doing it again to your sister. You can see the damage done to your brother.

Struggling with a new born while trying to rely on someone who ‘grooms’ children into hating someone else, then trying to enforce boundaries on that person will not be good for you and your mental health or your baby.

and keeping this information from your sister is cruel to your sister. Your mum created this situation.

I understand that. But if she finds out youve kept her dad from her. Are you prepared to lose your sister?

You could just give him your sisters contact details and then he can contact her .... say he found them on social media?

You're making the wrong choice here. You're choosing a woman who was awful to her children and their fathers over a man who is desperate to see his child it appears. If you don't do all your mum wants you'll be cast out too.

But I'm afraid if I tell my sister I'll be cast out anyway and lose my mum and access to my sister myself. My mum is practically God in my sister's eyes, if I'm made out to be the bad guy, my sister will believe it too. I don't even think my mum would allow my sister to see her dad even if I do let her know, or I think my sister would be too afraid to say even if she did want contact with him in fear of upsetting my mum

Also, just to clarify, I haven't made my decision yet, hence posting here for advice. I'm really not trying to be selfish, I'm just so torn. I feel so sad for my sister and i feel heartbroken for her dad. No matter what I do, I hate to be in the middle of this and I'm just so stressed

Posters on here are already tapping into something you have expressed you’re not ready for. I would try your best to ignore those who are suggesting anything you are not comfortable with.

He is a grown man who has made his own choices and can use his brain to find a way in. Message him he needs to be able to build bridges with mum to be able to see your sister or go to court. I imagine you’re his easy option!

I understand this.

But do you realise what she is doing is abuse?

If you really can’t, then tell the father he needs to go through official channels as there’s no way your sister will remain in touch if you do this. And your mum will cut you off.

But please don’t rely on her with regards to your own baby. You do realise she could do the same to you and the baby’s convince them that she is god and you are just shit.

She already had yourself esteem on the floor. Do you really believe you will be strong enough to stand up to her if she starts trying to alienate your child from you?

Are you sure your mother's version isn't the correct one? After all, he left her with a sick and disabled child and doesn't appear to have made much effort to keep in touch.

Is your sister’s dad on her birth certificate? If so don’t pass on the message directly but the next time she is in hospital let him know immediately, I doubt they would stop him visiting.

I did t realise you were only 21. It’s a lot of pressure on you. I can understand not wanting to rock the boat in your situation.

But do stay firm in your boundaries. It sounds like your mum will try and take over your baby too.

@minnieot can you not get him to post something to your sister at your house then you hand it to your sister unopened? Not for you or anyone to intercept stuff so you wouldn’t know who sent it.

@minnieot I'm sorry I don't really know what I think you should do.
However your mum is not a good person, keeping 3 children from their fathers.
Not sure what sort of grandmother she's going to be.

I would do this.

On a separate note, I would think very carefully about including your mother in your child's life. I can't think of any reason good enough to include someone this manipulative and abusive. I fully appreciate you want a support system, but utilise your friends, join baby groups etc and make your own support system (something I have done myself). I made the mistake of 'letting my mother in' under different circumstances and it has made cutting her back off very difficult.

I'm so sorry you don't have anyone in your life to give you any support to the point you've had to go to a neglectful and abusive mother who fucked you up.

I can't imagine how hard and lonely that must be. Not to mention frightening to have to rely on someone who's shown you they are not someone to rely on and to have them able to access your infant and try to protect the baby while needing your mother.

I won't pretend to have any solution to suggest because for you to find yourself in this position means you literally have nobody else and it would be arrogant of me to come along with have you thought of this, this, this, this or this like you're an idiot who would choose this if it wasn't your only option!

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are in this position and to say, for the little it's worth, that I wish you well and hope that things go well for you.

I am truly sorry you find yourself in this situation but I would caution against your DM having anything to do with your baby. She has already irreparably harmed 3 children and 3 fathers - she will do the same with her GC.

This isn't your responsibility
And if he knows how things are with DM then he should never of asked you
He needs to take actions of his o2n and get in touch with Miam and then if she refuses Mediation then he can apply to court.
It will be then up to caffcass to speak with your sister and evaluate the situation from her point of view.
If I was you I would stay out of it.

You have also been groomed by your mum.

You are prioritising your mum over your sister, even though you know your mum to be dishonest and not to have your best interests at heart.

I think you should be honest and honourable - which means telling your sister. If this would jeopardise the relationship with your mum, that says everything about your mum.

Yes its beyond unreasonable, immoral and down right horrible to keep this message from her. You are enabling your mother for your own selfish needs. I've no idea why you want such an repugnant influence in your child's life.

If you saw your step dad / your sisters dad as a father figure and you also have a relationship with your own father, can you not rely on these two men for Support?

From your description your mother is manipulative and abusive with all relationships and that will not change because you give her a grandchild. You need to break that cycle.

Your sister and her father have a right to form a relationship and he is reaching out to her hoping for contact. Unless there are more sinister reasons that he lost
contact in the first place it’s only fair to allow them to form the relationship you did with your dad. That doesn’t have to mean being the messenger for him but you can advise he uses official channels to gain some access to time with your sister in a way that perhaps he will also be there for you and your baby too. It’s what father figures do.

You do not need the anxiety and toxicity of
your mother. You’re convincing yourself you have no alternative but you do. Sometimes even going it alone is better than living under fear of what your mother might do next if you displease her.

your priority is now your baby not your mother and you’ll soon realise how odd
your situation was growing up - hopefully
it will motivate you to give you a difference experience growing up. Allow your sister the opportunity to have a different experience too. Expand her world

You seem to believe that it is on your shoulders to sort out all the relationships - reconcile father and daughter etc. It isn’t. It sounds like your sisters parents broke up years ago so her father has had years to go through official channels for contact if he wasn’t getting anywhere asking directly.

It doesn’t sound like he has done anything about contact and (telling you to tell sister he loves her while doing nothing to have contact and take care of her) he sounds pretty lazy and flaky.

I would stay out if it. If you start passing on messages you could get your sisters hopes up and then he lets her down. Ask him why he hasn’t gone to court for contact.

I appreciate that you want your mother's support, but to not pass on the message would be selfish and hypocritical of you.
Your mum is awful, frankly, to manipulate her children so much and to withhold contact from father's who want to be involved in their children's lives. What a piece of work.

You have to do what you think is best for you, especially at the moment. It's good to have other people's opnions for perspective but only you know the intricacies of your family interaction. You need and want your mum at the moment - understandable.
I agree with a PP you should contact the dad in question tell him what you've told us. It's wrong of him to involve you when you are in a stressful situation- he should deal with this himself.

I think you should tell your stepfather that if he is serious about this, he needs to go through the proper channels, ie Court. A letter is unlikely to achieve anything.

I also think that you are wildly optimistic about maintaining boundaries with your mother, although you feel she is useful to you at the moment.

I agree. It is unreasonable of this man to involve you in this way. If he wants access to his child, there are official, legal routes he can take.

There’s no way you won’t end up the bad guy in this. I would say you are not able to become involved and point him in the direction of a good family solicitor.