To wonder if addiction is a choice

[BarbaraAnnee]

I am sorry if this sounds insensitive to some people but I just wondered what people thought of this. A relative of mine is an alcoholic and due to her being unfit, her parents have had to permanently look after her DD. I feel so bad for her and just wondered if she really loved her DD she would just stop drinking?

I think Matthew Perry explained it well when he said he was in control of the first drink, but after that he was not in control. Addiction hits very differently. I know that I can have a drink and not need another, my thirst is quenched. But for the addicted, the need for another and another is real. I recall a morbidly obese man who was addicted to eating explaining what it was like to have a bucket of KFC - even though he was actually eating chicken all he was thinking about was how he wanted the next piece of chicken in the bucket. Awful, brutal and so hard to end.

i struggle to just have the 1 drink to be honest

Saying that I can go out and just have 1 beer and thats it but if i open wine, I generally finish the bottle

This has to be one of the most judgmental and ignorant threads on addiction.

Addicts/Alcoholics who are struggling - do yourself a favour: get professional help, or support from someone who’s ‘walking the walk’ and ignore the ‘addiction porn’ twats.

And for those of us in recovery - together, we are amazing, one day at a time x

So easy to say when you are the one who gets to choose whether or not your going to bring everyone down with you, again.

Has anyone ever just ruined your day, every day, for months and years on end because they had to focus on their golden child; their one true love.
How would you feel if your spouse brought their OW to live in your house, and used your money to give her everything; and told your kids how preferable she was compared to you?

You’ll guard your sobriety, you’ll treat your good days as being important, and you’ll recognize that those who would sabotage your life as people who shouldn’t be in it. But no matter how many times you Step-5, you won’t touch the sides of the havoc you wantonly wreak on the lives of those who are not your one true love.

Now obviously like all good Al-Anon Handmaidens/Enablers I don’t say that the one who does Step-5 at me. But I’ll tell you as your asking: No I don’t forgive; No, this isn’t amends; This is still selfish, childish, Me Me Me.

we are amazing well actually no your aren’t, drunk or sober you’re absolutely obsessed with yourself, and can’t believe that anyone wouldn’t choose to dedicate their lives to telling you how amazing you are.

@AlbertVille Yeah, because it's that black and white. Ever thought there are people who have been on both sides? Anyway, I hope you feel better after your rant.

My mum ruined my life with her selfish choices. She’s not amazing.

The problem with addicts is that addiction is all-consuming for those around them—even the functional alcoholics. DP had an employee who fell off the wagon. Cost his business thousands to deal with the fallout on two particular contracts.
Yet the sophistry employed by the employee was worth an Oscar. As a result, employees are vetted for issues now.

Sorry about your dm's choices .

No, Iv'e never met an amazing addict either, whether a current user or an abstainer. They all seem to share the same personality traits though of being selfish, deluded and self pitying.

Addict patronizes someone who won’t sing along in the audience, holding their lighter aloft to The Addicts Choir with their original hit We are Amazing? No surprise there.

No I don’t feel better after my rant. Like most people any interaction with an addict leaves me wishing I hadn’t bothered. They are simply not able to accept the reality of the destruction they cause. It always, always has to be watered down to “Poor You, let me give you some more attention.”

Thank you.

Shes improved now, as in appears clean and is trying to make amends for her mistakes. I’ve forgiven her on the surface but she still wallows in self pity all the time. As if her misery is the only misery that there ever was.

Being clean now does not erase what growing up with an alcoholic parent does to a child, yet I’m expected to celebrate her as though she’s achieved an amazing thing being a normal functioning member of society…

Thanks for your comment @AlbertVille

As it happens, I think that the suffering experienced by friends/family is, more often than not, utterly devastating. I’m sorry to hear of your pain; that sounds very hard indeed.

Sadly, for everyone concerned, no one can turn back time. However, for addicts/alcoholics in recovery, ‘making amends’ is a central part of the process.

As it happens, we cannot demand or expect an outcome of forgiveness from those we have hurt or damaged. But this is no reason to avoid acknowledging the damaging consequences of our actions on a family member/friend.

Not everyone lives to see recovery, so those of us who do are pretty amazing. But that doesn’t mean we’re off the hook. No, it’s just the start. It is possible to turn away from the habitual, self-obsessed ‘me, me, me’ behaviour and direct one’s mind and purpose to being useful - within the family, the community, society. Better late than never.

I can only speak for myself, but I’m grateful to be reminded of perspectives such as yours. Thank you again.

Yes I read his book and saw some of his interviews. A lot of his experiences really resonated with me because he had anhedonia and didn't find enjoyment in anything in life. I feel the same, like there is just a big void. No wonder I turned to addictions for a buzz I wasn't getting out of life.

I don't think any of us want pity we're just trying to explain what it's like being one. Addicts are in control the same way anyone "normal" can go a week without eating-that's perfectly in everyone's control, just stop eating for a week-easy right? And if you don't do it you're clearly selfish and don't love your family 🙄

Well done for being in recovery but I agree with another pp who says the addict does not understand how they are destroying those around them. My ex was an alcoholic and whilst I spent years after we split traumatised by it, he doesn’t even know why he was one in the first place and barely remembers any of it. He was in a drunken fug while me and our children’s lives were being torn apart. I had the sense to get us out of it while they were young. I’m glad he went into successful recovery but I’ll never forgive him for it (although we are ‘friendly’ and civilised with each other now).

Yes I’m afraid addicts are very self-centred. Whether in full blown addiction or in recovery the whole thing is all. about. them.

Until I went NC with my Mum, she absorbed so much of my life. Every conversation with my sister ended up as a discussion about how to deal with Mum. Every family event, how are we going to deal with Mum. Every time I saw or spoke to her, “will she be drinking? What state will she be in?”.

It was the same when she had sober stretches. “Hasn’t she done well”. “I need to prioritise going to AA tonight”. “This is what I need to stay sober”. Constantly fearing whether something we did or said could trigger a relapse. Constantly wondering when or if the relapse would happen.

My whole life has been centred around my mother’s alcoholism.

So I’m sorry but addicts are not amazing. Even when sober they are only ever “recovering” and don’t we all fucking know it. I respect those who recover, I really do. But I just can’t applaud it in the way they always seem to want us to. It is so unbelievably difficult for those of us whose lives have been torn apart by the addiction.

God forbid that those of us whose lives have been ruined by these people, have needs above those of the addict’s.

Thanks for your comment @willWillSmithsmith I absolutely hear you and I’m sorry that you and your children suffered so. The fact that your ex cannot remember (not uncommon btw) makes the trauma no less real for you. I hope you managed to get meaningful support and understanding. (The pain and worry I caused my own family was terrible).

Chronic, active addiction is not a choice that anyone with a sound mind would make. It’s a process, often starting as a coping strategy for historic traumatic event(s) and mental/emotional pain, taking hold over time with its own compelling logic:

Nothing will get in the way - not family commitments, not health concerns, not job losses, not roof over one’s head - nothing. At some level addicts/alcoholics may suspect that the dysfunctional way they manage daily life is impacting on others, but where to begin sorting oneself out feels terrifying, impossible and beyond reach. It is a protracted nightmare. Not least, of course, for long-suffering family/friends who cannot understand why the person in question cannot ‘just stop’.

After (often many) years of arrested development, it can take a looong time to learn how to function drug/drink-free, get well and become ‘human’ again.

I can’t comment on Forgiveness as it’s such an individual process for each and everyone of us throughout life, be we recovering addicts or non-addicted people. However, I believe it’s helpful for those of us in recovery - however anguished our using was - to recognise that we don’t have a monopoly around pain, distress, betrayal etc. We are not that “special, unique and different” and there are probably similarities with non-addicted people in how we now try to make sense of difficulties, challenges and hurt.

We do not have an automatic right to forgiveness, but we do have a responsibility not to perpetuate more chaos. That’s all we can do.

Wishing you and your family a peaceful week.

As to ' The scientists' ; I have just finished reading " The urge : our history of addiction" by Carl Erik Fisher, who is himself, both medical professional and an alcoholic. A fascinating read for anyone seeking clarity on some of the issues mentioned here.

'So I’m sorry but addicts are not amazing. Even when sober they are only ever “recovering” and don’t we all fucking know it. I respect those who recover, I really do. But I just can’t applaud it in the way they always seem to want us to.'

Yes they all seem to want constant applause. Of course support yes if family and friends have the energy and motivation to go through it again, but not the 'we are amazing' narrative. I hate the term 'in recovery' as if they had chemo or had major surgery. No, they are controlling their compulsions.

‘Controlling compulsions’ is, largely, part of early recovery.

Yes, addiction is a very self-centred and destructive condition. But recovery takes a tremendous amount of effort, and many of us don’t make it. It’s nice when people are encouraging, but we don’t need applause from people who don’t understand the mechanisms of addiction and the process of recovery.

Being engaged with society and contributing to one’s community is a reward in itself. I think people might be surprised that there are many of us amongst you, in all walks of life, but you may just not be aware… 😆

I almost never mention my past history, unless it’s safe to share - and, if so, people are genuinely surprised that I was a heroin addict for 25 years. So, yes, I have recovered and become the person who I was meant to be. Active and fully engaged, though still with work to do on myself - like everyone.

Sometimes this is a message that people still struggling with addiction need to see/hear - that change and transformation is possible.

Have a great day!

Thank you for that very informative reply. I still see and speak to my ex (we do share children after all). Although I will never forgive him, the knock on effects financially and the fact our kids didn’t have a functioning good role model for a father while they were growing up, are still there even though we split years ago and he’s been in recovery for about sixteen years now. To forgive him would mean to me that all the trauma and stress I went through doesn’t matter. I’m not actively bitter or anything but forgiveness would be a step too far and it wouldn’t make any difference to him if I forgave him or not. I’m glad though that we can be civil and share the same space at events (such as Uni graduation etc).

Thanks for your reply @willWillSmithsmith I now realise it can be a very lonely and shameful experience for family, living alongside someone in active addiction/alcoholism, with all the consequences racking up. And, as you say, the knock-on effects can continue long after the person has got into recovery.

It must have been exhausting having to shoulder the load of parenting single-handed, without a decent role model for the children. It’s not just your ex who lost a part of his life, it’s also you and the family who lost part of theirs.

You, and many of the families/friends on this thread are truly heroic in what you’re been through, and in trying to rebuild shattered lives. You’re absolutely entitled to your very understandable feelings about your story.

(I was advised by my therapist to “Let your son be as angry as he wants about what he has been through - don’t attempt to explain or excuse your behaviour, just let him vent”. For me it was an uncomfortable dose of humility, but it was his time to talk, not mine. He did also have therapy, but I can still see how his upbringing affected him).

I hope you now have good people in your life who are ‘there for you’. It’s the very least that you and the children deserve. And huge congratulations to you in getting them thru Uni - amazing!

Best wishes for a happy day.

Thank you so much. Well done for all your progress and the fact you are so self aware. ❤️

@willWillSmithsmith thanks, I couldn’t have got this far without help. And thanks for our meaningful conversation together ❤️

'Being engaged with society and contributing to one’s community is a reward in itself. I think people might be surprised that there are many of us amongst you, in all walks of life, but you may just not be aware'

Yes I'd be very surprised. Managing compulsions or as some call it being in recovery is something folk tend to love to overshare. Adding in how amazing and brave they are etc. It's all very weird. Nope I don't understand, I've seen the same personality traits in all those without self control to know you don't need to understand it, just distance yourself and not believe any of their tales and excuses.

We've all had challenges and traumas.

Getting bogged down in descriptors isn’t always constructive. Action speaks louder than words.

Have a good day.