To feel broken by 12 year old DD and to ask for help

[Edenspirits73]

Year 7, 12 year old DD is pushing every boundary and I am struggling to manage it all. It feels relentless and she won’t listen to anything we say. On Friday we had a call from the school to say she had been in pastoral talking about self harming which was like a bolt from the blue- I didn’t handle it very well as I got really upset when she got home as it felt like i don’t know my child anymore.

She started her periods right at the start of year 7 and it’s felt like since then it’s been an out of control battle as she is desperate to push every boundary. She started bunking lessons quite early on, is quite wild in school and doesn’t take it seriously. She wants to do stuff after school every day that feels too grown up (we live in a small city) and it’s all about being out and about. She’s only interested in her phone, wants to be in her room on her own constantly, Won’t do school work, won’t do any activity that she used to do. She talks about wanting to vape, wanting to try weed. She’s 12 FFS.

We grounded her and took her phone after she got into trouble in school for a weekend and that made no difference- she just doesn’t care. She speaks to me like I am an idiot and just doesn’t respect any boundaries. She feels out of control and it’s come from nowhere. She doesn’t care about school at all.

i just don’t know what to do - I feel broken and a failure. My 16 year old DS is just coming to the end of GCSEs and it’s put a strain on him too. He’s been the total
opposite. We are going on a family trip in a few weeks on Europe to celebrate the end of exams and I am dreading it as DD is just so horrible to us all. My DH is at the end of his rope too.

I am trying to get her a counsellor for the
self harm - that has come out of the blue also and she has said we aren’t allowed to talk to her about it. I am scared to do anything - we are just trying to understand what is happening to my lovely child.

She told me yesterday that one of her friends parents doesn’t believe in punishment and that we are awful parents for grounding her but we were just trying to put some boundaries in place. I have been trying to have rules around phone use but she kicks off about that too- my rule is no phones in bedrooms after 9pm- I just want her to have a break and have proper rest.

I feel broken - she knows she is loved- we tell her all the time that we are here for her no matter what etc. Nothing seems to make a difference.

It’s affecting my mental health - I am so worried all the time and I am not enjoying life as I am in a constant state of anxiety about what will happen next. It’s making me ill. I feel like crying all the time. I know it sounds ridiculous but I sometimes feel bullied by DD.

Aibu to ask for some advice - I feel lost. I have emailed a counsellor for DD so hoping that will help.

My daughter went through an extreme version of these behaviours. I was a young mum and her dad was absent and anyway he was not responsible enough to be any use. She began at the age of 12 and the whole episode increased in intensity as she grew older. Unsuitable people, drugs and running away., self harm etc. I sought therapy for her. I think physical and hormonal factors were definitely to blame. Often a kind of psychosis like might happen in a postpartum situation. It was as bad as you can imagine. I could write a book. I was the main target for her hatred. I would not let her go even when she lied about her home life to teachers and social services. The therapy she had helped her and it began the long road to recovery. Including things I regard as miracles. She became interested in psychology and trained as a psychiatric nurse. I later discovered that she had been sexually assaulted so do try to discover a cause for a sudden behaviour change. I am happy and proud to say she is now a Child and Family Therapist working abroad and highly respected in her field. She also loves me now and has said sorry often. I think the main thing I did was never to leave her or reject her. I just wanted to share a compact version of our story and to let you know if you maintain your courage and stick by her and get a therapist involved you mend this frightened angry child and help an amazing woman to develop who is able to help other trouble kids.
iIt was the most challenging part of my life and we got through and have a close relationship. I may join her abroad soon if the country lets me in.

Thanks so much for all your comments and suggestions - really helpful and I really appreciate all your insights so much 🌺🌸

It’s been a super stressful week but we have found DD some counselling, I am going into school next week to talk to them and they have put in place a plan. So stuff is happening and DD actually seems relieved! The phone is an issue tho and I do think it affects her behaviour too.

My periods really affected my mood badly, I think PMDD but was never diagnosed (and gave me significant debilitating pain) and I now take the progesterone only pill and don’t get them any more. The levelling affect on my mood has been miraculous. I’m not sure if they’d want to do that for a 12 year old but might be worth exploring.

@Edenspirits73 that’s great to hear. Just one thing about the phone - I agree that they definitely have a massive impact on the lives of secondary age kids, but I’d be wary about removing it completely. Even after my DD had put herself in massive danger through something she did online and I called SS, when they visited they advised not to remove her phone. They all have them and it’s the main way they socialise these days, she’ll definitely be the odd one out if she doesn’t have one. But it’s absolutely ok to limit the time she has on it/what she can do on it, and of course check it whenever you want to. If it’s an iPhone you can set up parental controls very easily, I turn my DD’s screentime off via my phone whenever she’s being particularly difficult and refusing to do something I ask of her. I can also set it so that she’s only able to use it between certain hours.

I wish you courage and strength. My daughter is now the most emotionally intelligent woman I know. This was the most terrifying experience of my life, one I never felt adequate to. She is a wonderful mother of two. My 10 year old grandaughter emails me everyday and it’s like the love affair I never quite managed with her mum. With funding, my daughter has built a small therapy centre where she spearheads innovative treatment for broken families and disturbed children. The challenges were huge, the rewards have been massive. I wish you a similar outcome. The therapists we found were angels.

It's good to hear from you again OP, been thinking about you.

I'm sure it's been mentioned already (I haven't read every post) but have you thought about the possibility that processed food might be causing an issue? I know it can affect behaviour in some cases.

Also, well done to the MN community. I've been quite stunned by the detailed and empathetic replies on this thread, which I'm sure have given the OP some comfort. And gives me comfort for the future when and if any of us might need such support 🙏

Remember OP all behaviour is communication. I had a friend who cut herself at school. She used to say it made the inside stop hurting when the outside hurt. Good job on getting her into counselling!

Both my girls struggled with secondary school transition and developed debilitating OCD, self harm, depression. Both are now on an SSRI medication which I NEVER thought I’d be giving a child but it’s been transformative for them. We are still working to get youngest back into school but change only really started when we stopped trying to fight them and realised that their behaviour came from fear. Its taken a lot to win my youngests trust because I was effectively pushing her to do the very thing she was terrified of (school) she has been subsequently diagnosed as ASD and ADHD which has startled most people as she masks so well, even within the home. Teenage girl parenting has challenged us in ways I didn’t think we could recover from as a family but, slowly, we’re getting there. As will you.

Bit late posting here but just wanted to give you a hand hold. How awful for you, sounds really stressful.
I’ve been through a similar thing, and have now come out the other end. When my daughter was in year 8 she suddenly changed. We went through hell, she was self harming, drinking alcohol, vaping, smoking weed, inhaling nitrous oxide, putting her self in risky situations. I had CAHMS input, ended up going on a parenting course, support from the school. The lowest point was a suicide attempt. Everyone kept telling me she would come out of it at the other end & we just had to ride the waves.
And they were right. I now have an amazing, sensible 16 year old who is sensible, reliable, hard working & lovely to be around! She a completely different person!
I really hope this is also a temporary state for you, I remember well how worrying everyday was. Sending love

How are things now OP? Xx